The Opposite of What to Do

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The Bachelorette S14 E05: The Roses are Dwindling, Dwindling, Dwindling

Real talk: I’m very conflicted after this episode of The Bachelorette, and not because I’m sad so-and-so went home, or cranky that whatever-whatever happened. I’m conflicted because this season is beginning to glamorize and normalize clearly abusive behaviors towards women.

You can read my full dive at the end of this recap.

In the meantime, the show—whether we wanted it to or not—went on. And outside of the horror of the upcoming Chris Circle of Craziness (TM), it was an episode rife with all the nonsense we’ve come to know and love about the Bachelorverse.

Let us begin.

We open with the bros bouncing down the Vegas Strip, overjoyed at their good luck to be jetted off to Sin City, where mistakes are made, money is lost, and what happens there never truly stays there.

But ignore all of that, because they have a HOTEL to explore! I can only assume that they’ve all only stayed at Motel 8s, because they’re so excited by this 3.5-star hotel that they can’t help but scream in excitement when they first walk in the door. It’s like my dog getting overly delighted to find a half-eaten hotdog on the side of the road. Whatever floats your boat.

Becca is lurking creepy in the Bro Suite, Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett warbles on about how excited he is to see her, and then we fittingly cut to a bleak morning view of the Strip, in which all of its dazzling lights are off and it looks as it actually is—a sad strip of cement in the middle of the goddamn desert, unsupportive of life beyond the often-poisonous beasts that skitter between the shadows. 

Fitting.

Wasteland courtesy of Meme Generator (yep) and ABC lbr

Now it’s time for the episode’s first date! Which is a cluster—and yet the perfect summation of all we know and love about the Bachelorverse—on every front:

First: The date is with Colton, who Becca apparently forgot she deeply mistrusted, given his Deep Love for Tia (#ToltonForever).

Second: This is compounded by the fact that [SPOILERS] Bachelor in Paradise has already more than confirmed Tia and Colton finally make it “official”. So they’re really just both going through the motions, which is painfully obvious when you watch them together. 

Third: We all know Colton’s not a virgin, but MAN are they ramping this absurd reveal up. The camera pans to a shot of a “Virgin River” sign and lingers longingly, riling up every watcher into a frenzy of “OH GOD SHOW US THE CONVERSATION ALREADY!”

Fourth: Becca is now, apparently, a smitten kitten, and awaits Colton with baited breath for a camel ride and inexplicable hot tub dip in the middle of the goddamn desert. I gotta give credit where credit’s due: the Bachelorverse is shockingly talented at dropping hot tubs in places no one in their right mind would ever have a hot tub. God bless.

After drying off and I would assume drinking several gallons of water, Becca dons her 3940948449th sequined dress of the season and attempts to keep the slowly dying carcass of her relationship with Colton alive. They make out, she exclaims “the chemistry with Colton is good!” (it is not) and then the date comes to a grinding halt. They awkwardly try to communicate, but it all feels so bland and forced. Becca could literally not show ANY less emotion with Colton, which is painfully clear when he rattles on about something deep (or whatever) and announces “you’re making it easy for me to let my walls down,” and she replies “Thank you” with all the enthusiasm of one of the camels that had to just spend an hour dragging them out to a hot tub. 

I’m sorry, that’s not fair to the camels. They’re much more complex and interesting creatures.

Colton ends the evening on the perfect note, claiming “Our relationship has grown…I want that to last forever,” which is rich, given that he’s about to run back to Tia the first chance he gets.

So close and yet so very, very, very, very far courtesy of Giphy

Back at the hotel, the remaining suitors are fretting.

“Roses are dwindling, dwindling, dwindling,” laments Chicken David.

His words ring extra true when word comes about the next group date. Rather than one suitor left out for a 1:1, it’s—GASP!—going to be a 2:1 with Jordan and David! I could hear the excited squeals of a thousand delighted fans from my humble little apartment. 

The two spar romantically for a bit (David throwing out the fact that Jordan received the last rose at the last Rose Ceremony, Jordan defending his Golden Underpants, David claiming that Becca is an intellectual and Jordan is an idiot, David asking (seriously) if Jordan is going to wear his “golden underpants tomorrow, or any special underpants he should know about,” and Jordan fretting that “David’s head is in my underpants” and my GOD I cannot wait for them to hook up on BiP) before it’s time for the Group Date, which includes Lincoln the Sexual Assaulter, Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett, and Connor the Red Flag, just FYI.

Feeling our pain, it’s clear that ABC has just given up this season, because we’re treated to the SECOND round of “hey, let’s drag in a washed-up celebrity musician, make the super untalented suitors write and perform their own songs, and blast it across national TV to really up the humiliation ante!” Hooray! 

And speaking of second go-rounds, this week’s experiment includes another dying husk of a carcass, this time in the form of “Wayne fucking Newton,” (thank you, Connor). The man’s had so much work done that we can’t be sure if he’s reacting to anything at all, which works in the suitors’ favor as they can’t tell when he’s so horrified by their utter lack of talent that he’s debating just diving off this mortal coil once and for all. 

Mr. Wayne fucking Newton warbles out several verses of Danke Schoen, Wills lounges in what I can only assume is a romper he knit out of his grandmother’s sofa, Chris is torn between having already done this date and being incredibly smarmy about having the talent to blow all the other suitors out of the water, and here we are. Watching Wayne Newton attempt to breathe and stay alive right now is just as depressing as watching this date and the entire Bachelorette franchise attempt to breathe and stay alive right now.

Wayne fucking Newton, courtesy of ABC

But since we’re all masochists, and ABC is our aggressive Dom, we find ourselves watching the suitors screeching out their self-written lyrics in a horrifying montage of hopelessness. John goes on and on about singing in the shower, Garrett is still racist, there’s Danke Schoen-rhymed lyrics of “Becca Dear,” Leo hates Lincoln (hey, that’s a bright spot!) and Chris starts going off the deep end with his singing and bringing up Arie YET AGAIN.

Honestly, what part of Arie’s season made ANYONE think that recycling ANYTHING from it would make a good season of The Bachelorette? 

At the after-party, Becca wears more sequins, sits in an empty ice rink (?) and snuggles with Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett, is told by Blake that he loves her, yada yada yada. 

And then there’s Chris. Until now, Chris was the slightly annoying doppelgänger of Eddie, Chandler’s Crazy Roommate from Friends. However, he’s slowly starting to unravel, getting riled up about the fact that Becca dared not to give him 1:1 time after the last group date. He’s beginning to say she owes it to him, and that he doesn’t want to be there. He says Becca needs to prove herself to him. He claims he’s “embarrassed and disappointed” that she didn’t give him solo time. He angrily gnashes out, “I can’t sit here thinking that everything’s good and dandy, and she’s doubting me? I’m way better than the majority of those guys, if not THE best guy out there. I have to look out for myself.”

OH, COOL. Lots of sane, calm, and rational thinking there. It’ll get better, surely, right? Right??

Uncanny realities and foreboding courtesy of Comedy Central

But out of the darkness, a light finally, blessedly appears. That’s right, it’s time for the Epic Captain Underpants vs. Chicken David Date Match of Doom! “May the best man win for Becca,” Jordan utters solemnly.

The date card explicitly tells them to meet Becca in “The Valley of Fire” which they gleefully, excitedly do. And oh, is it a valley of fire.

“Becca invited me on the 2:1 for a reason,” David says smugly, which is hilarious because I don’t think he knows what the 2:1 date is. “David can’t control my realness,” counters Jordan, and then they clamor into a Jeep and bounce across the desert. Jordan calls shotty and gleefully tells the camera “The day’s just started, and the chicken’s already taken a backseat, literally and figuratively,” which is impressive because 1. That’s funny, and 2. Jordan actually used the terms “literally” and “figuratively” correctly. The man is an enigma. (Chicken Count: 1)

Things rapidly deteriorate into an epic pissing match (of course) with the boys aggressively vying for the love, attention, and validation of their own worth from Becca. Honestly, she doesn’t even need to be there, so deep is the boys’ need for validation. But it does begin to emerge that while they’re both utterly ridiculous and their #1 priority is taking the other down, Jordan does seem more genuinely interested in Becca, while David really just wants to destroy his arch, golden underpants-clad nemesis. 

Epic showdowns and rosé courtesy of ABC

He blatantly lies to Becca (without even caring that he’s about to be called on it), claiming Jordan this, and Jordan that. Now Jordan’s an idiot, but he’s a mostly harmless idiot, and he’s not that stupid. So when David cackles, “I exposed him as a Golden Underpants clown,” we know the dude’s just being a real asshole.

Jordan is suitably horrified to hear all of this, though, rather than running off after Becca and soothing her, he first rushes over to David to defend his honor. “Being me is my greatest power!” he shouts, impassioned. “Being you is not your greatest power, that’s why you gotta talk about me!”

He…he’s not wrong?

Impassioned rant courtesy of Giphy

Jordan finally goes off after Becca to apologize and plead his case. He gives a maybe-true peek into his life, talking about his mother’s mental illness struggles and how his father has stuck by her side through it all. I want to believe him, as I don’t think Jordan’s creative or vindictive enough to lie about that, but hey, it IS The Bachelorette, people. 

In the end? It turns out that the chicken is fried. 

Becca sends David packing, much to his shock and Jordan’s utter delight. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Jordan crows. “To get his ass buried in the desert!” Tickled pink, he can’t help but follow up with “He talked too much and got his head cut off!” (Chicken Count: 3).

But alas, Jordan’s triumph is short-lived. I had high hopes for him in the post-date dinner round, but rather than asking Becca genuine questions about herself or giving real insights into his personality, he blathers on and on about his gym regime, and modeling, and his face, etc. etc. etc. It’s far too little too late, and Becca dashes his dreams by walking him out.

RIP, Captain Underpants. 

Greek tragedy courtesy of E! News

Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony! We begin our cocktail hour with…oh. A big bucket of Giant Fucking Crazy. Awesome. Chris’s descent into madness has significantly speeded up, taking him from kind of a weird dude to a Fucking Horrorshow in less than 10 minutes. 

While some men are anxious, Chris has gotten so out of control that he’s just ceaselessly ranting, going on and on and on about how Becca owes him alone time, and how he’s so disrespected, and how he’s just going to leave if she doesn’t see his massive worth, and so on and so forth. Look, IDGAF if this is just malicious editing—ABC is showing clear signs of abusive, grandiose behavior and not backing down. And honestly, watching Chris’ tenuous grasp on reality break is really fucking frightening. He’s freaking out the other guys, who are telling him to either calm the fuck down or get the fuck out, but he’s so hyper-focused on what he’s “owed by a woman” (for what? Breathing? Being around? Having a dick?) that he’s inconsolable. 

Becca does eventually grab him for some alone time, but by that point it’s only to ask him WTF is going on, and how his behavior is rattling everyone. Chris plays the I AM UTTERLY SHOCKED card and tries to drag out his time with Becca, laying it on thick about how sad he is that he didn’t get to talk to her alone before, how all he wants to do is show her he cares and see that she cares, and all sorts of frightening behavior that abusers glomp out before they really start a’ rockin’.

Becca wisely cuts and runs to Wills, while Chris stews and fumes and declares he cannot possibly let the opportunity for his greatness go unnoticed and unrealized. He then marches over to Wills and Becca and demands more time. Wills is clearly not having it, and Becca is clearly uneasy, but she finally agrees to 2 minutes. Wills, smartly, stays nearby, because LBR, we’re all waiting for Chris to snap and try to murder Becca at this point, sooo.

Chris pleads his case and freaks us all out, but luckily Wills swoops back in after 2 minutes and declares that Chris’ time is O-V-E-R over. Chris is INCENSED and begs, pleads, needles for more time, and it’s so painfully awkward and creepy that an entire nation cringes. Wills, however, stands his ground like the boss he is: cool, calm, and collected, he knows it’s clearly a bad idea for Chris to be alone with Becca, and he absolutely refuses to leave, at once defusing the situation and letting Chris know he Will Not Be Fucked With.

Finally, a GOOD FUCKING GUY courtesy of Anna Marie's BachelorTV and ABC

Chris and his tattered ego/unfettered anger finally get up and leave, while Wills smoothly and kindly calms Becca. WILLS FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

At this point, even Chris Harrison is anxious, and he shows up to soothe the remaining suitors and ease everyone into the Rose Ceremony.

THE ROSE WINNERS
Colton “I Love Tia” Underwood is already safe, along with Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett, Jason who I can never remember, Wills the Amazing, Lincoln the Sexual Assaulter, Leo with the Good Hair, Connor the Red Flag, Blake of the Mountains, OH AND CHRIS THE FUCKING CRAZY.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, after nearly 1/4 of an episode spent showcasing how abusive, angry, and potentially dangerous Chris is, BECCA GAVE HIM THE LAST ROSE. Because when it comes to women’s safety and well-being, fuck it if it gets higher ratings! When we cave to support women and keep them save from abuse, we ruin all the fun of good, wacky ratings. 

THE ROSE LOSERS
Everyone on earth.

Also, John of Venmo, because why would you want a good, smart, kind, wealthy man when you could have a psychotic abuser with a fleeting grasp of reality? Oh and RIP to Chicken David and Captain Underpants again.

Courtesy of ABC and all the times I have to watch my ex Venmo stupid shit

THE PROMISED RANT
This season of The Bachelorette is beginning to glamorize and normalize clearly abusive behaviors towards women. Regardless of whether or not some of this is the editors working their magic, the ultimate result is a TV show airing behaviors that are clearly problematic, and allowing airtime for men that have been legitimately convicted of sexual assault, and who have had to publicly delete their social media accounts because they went double tap-crazy on posts that were misogynstic (as well as xenophobic, bigoted, racist, etc.).

But it doesn’t, staggeringly, end there. This episode’s Chris Circle of Insanity (TM) spent the better stretch of two hours showcasing how absolutely insane this guy was acting. He was insisting that Becca owed him her time and attention; he was adamant that she see him as the best suitor and lavish attention on him accordingly; he was getting exceedingly heated and threatening to walk because she didn’t understand his excessive worth.

Whether or not this is just “creative” editing on the already over-taxed producers of this train wreck of a season, we were inundated with wave after wave of grandiose, narcissistic, and borderline emotionally abusive bullshit. The Bachelorette needs to get its shit together and stop airing content that makes abusive behavior okay. If they don't clean up their act soon, I'm out. 

Not out entirely, I'll just petition myself to go on the show and whip it up into the feminist, woman-first powerhouse it should be, obvi. Who's with me??

Until next week!