The Bachelorette S14 E04: You Can't Sleep in the Game of Love
Was it mere coincidence that the skies opened up and began crazily spewing thunder and lightning in Boston just before the start of this week's episode, given the amount of stormy insanity going on in Bachelor Nation over this last week? Or was it a sign of more to come?
In case you missed it all, let's do a quick recap:
- First up: Bachelorette in Paradise Lost Gate '18 which was a raucous Twitter debacle between former Arie's Angel Bekah and Nick’s Ravishing Raven, who duked it out in 280 characters or less over the [SPOILERS] revelations that Colton and Tia got together in Bachelor in Paradise. In true Twitter and 12-year-old fashion, Bekah promptly rolled out a series of spoilers, Raven deleted Tweets and blocked Bekah, and everyone's feeds went temporary insane because oh, the humanity!
- Up next: In less exciting and way more horrifying news, we learned that not only was Garrett not the only douchebag doing douchebaggy things outside of the Bachelor 'verse, but he wasn't even close to the douchiest. Oh and by douchiest, I mean the rapiest, because everyone's least favorite shrill, Lincoln, somehow scammed his way onto the season despite having been charged with indecent assault and battery IN FUCKING 2016 and subsequently CONVICTED OF IT one week before the season premiere. Turns out this pile of festering excrement groped, grinded on, and assaulted a woman on a harbor cruise in Boston. Awesome job, agency doing background checks. Two strikes already, guys. Who wants to bet on a third?
Photo courtesy of ABC and women everywhere
But this is the Bachelorverse, ladies and gentlemen, so there's no swift justice or satisfying resolutions. Instead, we leap right into the episode and land sprawling in the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party still lingering from last week.
Jordan, a true gift from a higher power, kicks it off with a satisfied, “The chicken crossed the road and got hit by a bus.” I’m not sure he understands what buses are or what actually happened to David (let me remind you that he fell out of bed and broke his own face) but when you’re this entertaining, do you really need common sense? (Chicken Count: 1)
Speaking of gifts, after Jordan prattles on about wearing a “shirt that’s cut out for a tie here, and I’m not wearing a tie, it tells her this guy could go anywhere,” Becca bestows upon him a pair of gold shorty shorts, and he lights up like a 70s porn star in a backroom of Studio 54. I can already smell the judgement and jealousy from the other men, especially as Jordan delightedly declares “Looks like I’m the golden boy right now!”
Jordan's future courtesy of Movie Props Group
But alas, Jordan’s excitement is short lived as David hauls his broken face out of the hospital (seriously, his nose is like 6” away from where it was that morning) and triumphantly, if shakily, returns to the Bachelor Mansion in time to get a pity rose and pass out.
What Jordan mistakes as a Dali for a Picasso (?) courtesy of ABC
(Chicken Count: 2)
Jordan’s face clouds over and the poor dear is torn between deep optimism and mounting terror. “All I know is, I’m Captain Underpants, and that’s all I’ve got,” he says, looking off into the distance. “That’s all I’ve got.”
A few other random things happen, include Blake mistaking Becca’s uterus for a clown car with his announcement that the wants 3-5 children, and then it’s FINALLY time for the Rose Ceremony!
The Rose Winners
Who the hell is even left at this point, other than racist garbage and sexual assaulters?
The Rose Losers
The Banjoist (who was a real letdown, given the fact that he had such a good schtick) and #ManBunMike are booted out. Goodbye, voluminous golden locks, and whatever it was that the Banjoist brought.
Dashed dreams courtesy of ABC
Jordan is still steaming that David lives to see another Rose Ceremony, gritting out “Tomorrow, I’m gonna make my scrambled eggs, and I’m not gonna even look at the skillet! This is where I go from Captain Underpants to Captain Stole Everyone’s Girl!” (Chicken Count: 3)
Honestly, the man is a national treasure, and must be protected at all costs.
But enough of Jordan for now, because the group is about to JETSET! That’s right, they’re headed to Park City Utah, where no-one will bat an eye over a woman dating 15 men. Just kidding, they will, but they wouldn’t if it was a man dating 15 women. Onwards!
Our batch o’ bros are whisked away to still-snowing Utah, where they first cozy up around the way-too-woody living room and debate whether or not the earth is flat.
Yes, you heard me correctly. A mind-blown and shirtless Leo (sure, why not) debates with woman-assaulter Lincoln about whether the earth is flat or round. Because of course the man that doesn’t understand that sexual assault is wrong also doesn’t understand that the earth is round. He vehemently protests that it’s flat, thats why the horizon looks flat, and claims that friction is what keeps us from slipping off it.
Let’s put this into perspective.
A man that sexually assaulted a woman and then lied about it to get onto a reality TV show believes that the earth is flat and that friction is the only thing keeping us from slip-sliding off its surface on a second-to-second basis.
You know this bitch voted for Trump.
Leo’s so horrified he can barely say anything, and instead delivers the Best Side Eye of the Season—and perhaps of all-time in the Bachelorverse.
Side eye courtesy of ABC
I want to say we blissfully end the night’s stupidity on that high note, but then it’s time for Becca’s 1:1 date with Garret, he of the “I’m a racist, misogynistic, bigoted, xenophobic assmonkey” status, because this season is all about showing us how smart women can be easily tricked by serpents masquerading in man suits.
I think there’s a biblical analogy in there somewhere, but I’m Diet Jewish, so I tend to get those things confused.
The only good part about the 1:1 is that Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett learns that they’re going bobsledding (yay!) but that the instructor he needs to work with or could face serious injury is a lesbian married to another woman. Watching him attempt to squash his Deep Southern Thinking Lunacy is a gem of a moment.
GIF courtesy of Giphy
After their bobsledding bonanza, Becca and Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett dash off to dinner, where he admits that he was married before and that it didn’t work. Becca is way too concerned about this fact and his ability to be in a solid relationship, which is rich, given that she got engaged after like a month on a reality TV show, was dumped by her fiancé less than a month later, and now is back on reality TV to attempt to find another man in the span of a month in which to marry.
What’s that saying again? Those that live in glass houses shouldn’t catapult boulders?
Becca gets over her fears quickly, and then the two inexplicably walk into a music venue and are treated to, YES, YOU GUESSED IT, LIVE MUSIC THEY AWKWARDLY DANCE TO IN FRONT OF AN AWKWARD CROWD OF STRANGERS. I have no idea who the singer was. Country lovers seemed to recognize them, but given that I have working ears and good taste, I did not.
The date finally, mercifully ends, and now it’s time for good ol’ Dick Metaphors once again! Phew!
Metaphor courtesy of ABC and SB Nation
That’s right, it’s time for The Lumberjack Date, in which all of the remaining men (sans Wills, who gets the next 1:1 and maybe David, whose face is still mending itself back together) strut out into the woods to disappoint Becca after all their claims of having big wood and being real men are proven to be nothing more than falsities and blasphemies.
It is nice, however, to watch them sawing and hurling axes at their metaphorical dicks. Now that’s an unexpected way to crush the patriarchy.
The only one who surprisingly stands out is John (that dude who maybe started Venmo?) who climbs a pole quickly to beat Blake (who apparently lives in the wood and does this shit for fun?). Also surprising is that John is still on this show, as I had no idea.
But enough of wondering who on earth is on this show, because it’s time for the post-date cocktail party!
Jordan blesses us all with his little golden plum smugglers, sashaying around the Bachelor Mansion like he was born to do so. Which, I think we can feel secure in saying, he was.
“You can’t sleep in the game of love!” he exclaims, bending over for the camera.
Jean Blanc, resident Colognoisseur, gets some alone time with Becca and promptly hands her a bottle of Miss Becca Blanc perfume. This is kind of creepy and something I definitely wouldn’t want, and Becca seems to feel the same way, despite having been feeling Jean Blanc earlier. He awkwardly kisses her, and she is NOT into it, and quickly makes her escape.
But oh, moments later he swoops back in to steal her, and Bachelor Nation collectively cringes along with her. She reluctantly goes to talk with him, only to have him launch into a grand declaration of (falling in) love, going from 0-60 on the crazy scale in no time at all. Becca is suitably horrified, and, sensing her reaction, Jean Blanc backpedals and basically says he only told her he loved her because it’s what he thought she wanted to hear. Then he sort of asked her for the perfume back.
Ladies and gentlemen, men!
Finally showing some semblance of sanity, Becca kicks his ass out and then refuses to give a group date rose, leaving all the men to panic. Get it, girl.
Bye bitch courtesy of ABC
There’s a lovely little 1:1 with Wills worked in here, in which he shows genuine emotion and depth, opens up about insecurities, gives Becca a sweet kiss, and redeems this show just a little.
But no one cares about that, because we’re all here for the train wreck, whether we admit it or not. Onward to the Rose Ceremony!
The Rose Winners
Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett and Wills are already safe from their 1:1 Date Roses.
Also safe are Leo with the Good Hair, Colton “I Love Tia” Underwood, Blake of the Mountains, Jason who I can never remember, Conor the Red Flag, John of Venmo, Chris aka Chandler’s Evil Roommate Eddie, David the Broken Chicken, Lincoln the Sexual Assaulter, and Jordan the Gem of the Universe.
The Bachelor Interns try to *~up the dramz~* by making it look like Jordan was going to go home, despite just having received the Golden Underpants of Glory, but he’s still suitably rattled that he was given the final rose. It’s like he just realized his own mortality, which would possibly be a move towards maturity, but instead he declares about David, “Being me is my greatest power, being you is not your greatest power!”
I can’t wait for those two to get together on Bachelor in Paradise.
The Rose Losers
Nick that dude who wears tracksuits goes home, as does Christon. Not surprised about Christon, given that he was handsome, smart, mature, well-mannered, kind, thoughtful, and had no interest in getting caught up in drama. Adios!
To Recap:
Connor, Lincoln, and Garrett all got roses. So:
- The one with clearly abusive tendencies
- The convicted sexual abuser
- The proven racist/bigot/xenophobe/homophobe/misogynist
Awesome.
Photos courtesy of ABC
Coming up, on The Bachelorette: VEGAS, BABY! What happens in Vegas definitely won’t stay in Vegas, and I cannot wait for the upcoming meltdowns. It looks like Colton and Eddie duke it out, Colton and Jordan may duke it out, David and Jordan will definitely duke it out, Red Flags will be ignored everywhere, and Becca will be ultimately disappointed. Hooray!
I leave you with this gem from Jordan, who has no qualms about recycling his brilliant one-liners, and honestly, bless him for it:
“I’m much like a sponge—you can squeeze me and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. This is where I go from Captain Underpants to Captain Just Took Everyone’s Girl.” --Jordan
Until next week!
