The Bachelorette Season 14: Let's Do The Whatever Whatever Already
Has anyone ever been less enthused for a season of The Bachelorette? Just when we thought we'd finally hit rock bottom with Arie's season of The Bachelor and could finally look towards a hopeful future, ABC had to recycle jilted love interest Becca Kufrin, who's already so tired of her own catchphrase "Let's do the damn thing!' that she's retired it before the first episode even airs.
We do, however, at least have the endless parade of clueless men to look hopefully upon. Will there be another perfect Peter Kraus lurking in the wings? (Probably not.) Another racist Lee Garrett? (Probably.) Another Adam Jr. doll? (Please god, no.)
Photo courtsey of ABC.com
Alex, 31
Occupation: Construction Manager
From: Atlanta, GA
Alex leads with describing himself as a country music lover, which I can only interpret as meaning he enjoys jokes with racist undertones and lamenting the fact that Confederate flags are becoming frowned upon. He does add that he enjoys boating and skiing "out West" so at least he'll try to cushion his comments with a "bro" in an attempt to not be a complete stereotype.
Photo courtsey of ABC.com
Blake, 28
Occupation: Sales Rep
From: Bailey, CO
Per his bio, things that Blake likes:
Using exclamation points instead of periods!
Being independent to truly love each other!
Being a modern romantic!
Swing dancing!
Anyone who spells out that two people need to be independent in order to truly love each other is either A) a cheater, or B) incredibly co-dependent. Very excited to see which direction Blake takes us.
Photo courtsey of ABC.com
Chase, 27
"Occupation": Advertising VP
From: Sanford, FL
Here I use the term "occupation" loosely, because:
He's 27
No actual VP is 27
His LinkedIn shows that his company is "Vergason Sojourner & McWaters" (spoiler alert: his last name is Vergason)
His LinkedIn now says he's CFO, so he may have gotten a little nervous VP wouldn't be as impressive after his bio went live
It's his only job
I'll put money on his co-founders being his frat bros
Photo courtsey of ABC.com
Chris, 30
Occupation: Sales Trainer
From: Orlando, FL
Not to be confused with Christian or or Christon. Chris, shockingly, "is extremely passionate about health and fitness" which means he's a complete original in Bachelor Nation.
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Christian, 28
Occupation: Banker
From: San Diego, CA
Not to be confused with Chris or Christon. Christian used to play semi-professional soccer, which explains why no one has ever heard of him.
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Christon, 31
Occupation: Former Harlem Globetrotter
From: Los Angeles, CA
Not to be confused with Chris or Christian. He's a professional Former Harlem Globetrotter which I assume entails trying unsuccessfully to get into clubs, being mistaken for someone else, and sliding into DMs on Insta.
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Clay, 30
Occupation: Pro Football Player
From: Chicago, IL
Clay is a free agent who's so forgettable that he played on the Patriots (GO PATS) and I have 0.0% idea who he is. He also doesn't curse, so looking forward to lots of "fricks" and "dang its" before he goes in Episode 2.
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Colton, 26
Occupation: Former Pro Football Player
From: Denver, CO
I want to hate Colton because was named after the Indianapolis Colts and has a dog named Sniper (so I can only assume he takes Fox News as gospel) but supposedly he dedicates his time now to a charity helping children fighting Cystic Fibrosis.
However, it is 2018, so it's gotta be the former.
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Connor, 25
Occupation: Fitness Coach
From: St. Petersburg, FL
The third "pro" athelete in a row, Connor played for the Braves before, of course, becoming a health and wellness coach. He's also from Florida, so Bachelor Nation Bingo!
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Darius, 26
Occupation: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
From: Sherman Oaks, CA
Darius is from humble Midwestern roots, has dedicated himself to a life of philanthropy and service, and has been to 11 countries in the past few years, thus cementing himself as the runner up to whatever idiot Becca mistakenly chooses.
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David, 25
Occupation: Venture Capitalist
From: Denver, CO
David describes himself as a "successful businessman" despite being 25 years old, and says he "loves guacamole, but hates avocado." I hate him.
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Garrett, 29
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
From: Reno, NV
Ah, our next Whaboom! (TM). Garrett explains that he's perfecting his Chris Farley impression, and that he's "excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!" so get used to lots of awkward belt grabbing and lots of horrible catch phrases. He'll likely stay until at least mid-season, when Twitter will collectively be screaming for his head.
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Grant, Doesn't Matter
Occupation: Doesn't matter
From: Doesn't matter
Grant is the villian of this season, based solely on his face. Everything else is irrelevant.
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Jake, 29
Occupation: Marketing Consultant
From: Minneapolis, MN
I'm not saying that Jake is a sentient Picasso painting, but I'm also not saying he's not a sentient Picasso painting. He also likes writing poems, so expect lots of horrible poetry hurled Becca's way before she puts us all our of our misery and sends him home post-international trip.
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Jason, 29
Occupation: Sr. Corporate Banker
From: Buffalo, NY
Jason is so insecure he describes himself as a "successful banker with a heart of gold" and has to add the "Sr." onto his job title. He also threatens to "sing his way into the Bachelorette's heart" with tunes from his "favorite Disney movies" so that's great.
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Jean Blanc, 31
Occupation: Colognoisseur, which, apparently, is a thing
From: Pensacola, FL
Apparently colognoisseur means that he "continues to add to his impressive cologne collection" so now we're all a little more educated.
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Joe, 31
Occupation: Grocery Store Owner
From: Chicago, IL
Idk, I'm torn. He's described as "formerly one of the youngest traders on the Chicago stock exchange, Joe turned a successful career in big finance into a successful career in small business." So I want to hate him, but now hes following in his family's footsteps by working in the "grocery store world" so maybe he'll be an interesting redemption sto--
Who am I kidding, he's probably a monster.
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John, 28
Occupation: Software Engineer
From: San Francisco, CA
Whe John isn' working you can find him "wine tasting, playing guitar or making his world-famous banana bread" and also going home on the first episode.
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Jordan, 26
Occupation: Male Model
From: Crystal River, FL
Jordan describes his smizing as "giving his best 'pensive gentleman' look" and brags that he has a personal best mile of 4.24. Well jokes on you, Jordan, I ran a 6-minute mile in flip flops and white jeans in middle school to clinch the Presidential Physical Fitness Award so I'm a better final candidate than you are.
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Kamil, 30
Occupation: Social Media Participant
From: Monroe, NY
Kamil is so pathetic that at 30 he's a "Social Media Participant" (not even "Influencer.") Next.
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Leo, 31
Occupation: Hair model and romance novel cover model
From: Milan, Italy
After a succesful stint as a hair and romance novel model, Leo enjoyed a lucrative career as a spokesman for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! and Old Spice.
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Lincoln, 26
Occupation: Account Sales Executive
From: Los Angeles, CA
Lincoln has a solid story: originally from Nigeria, was named after Abraham Lincoln, moved to Boston as a teenager, went to college, dreamed of living in Cali and work brought him there, and wants to have a big family and make his mom proud. We can expect him to make the final 3 or 4 but he sent home pre-Fantasy Suites, where Becca picks miosgynstic asshats to spend the night with her instead.
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Mike, 27
Occupation: Sports Analyst
From: Cincinnati, OH
Turn ons: Loincloths, vines, gutteral forms of communications, brunettes
Turn offs: Modern society, unethical hunters, convincing women to make terrible life decisions
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Nick, 27
Occupation: Attorney
From: Orlando, FL
In Nick's own words: "you can catch him in his signaure tracksuits being the life of the party" and he's a self-proclaimed "weekend warrior who loves brunches, barbeques, and the beach" so there you go.
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Rickey, 27
Occupation: IT Consultant
From: San Diego, CA
Like many a Bachelor(ette) alum, Rickey has his own successful online personal training company, which means he'll be hawking slimming teas and body wraps on Instagram within a month. He wants a woman to be "his best friend first, and lover second" which means he'll pressure a woman into sex on the first date.
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Ryan, 26
Occupation: Banjoist
From: Manhattan Beach, CA
Banjoist.
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Trent, 28
Occupation: Realtor
From: Naples, FL
Trent was on the cover of a romance novel entitled "Texas Destiny" (no, seriously) and if that's not reason enough for him to win, then I just don't know what is anymore.
Photo courtsey of Trent's Instagram
Photo courtesy of ABC.com
Wills, 29
Occupation: Graphic Designer
From: Los Angeles, CA
Wills went to UC Davis, loves his job as an Editorial Designer, and loves Harry Potter, which can only mean two things: 1) He will be the sweetest, most adorable and down-to-earth contestant, and 2) be brutally rejected post-Fantasy Suites.
