The Bachelorette S14 E01: Chicken, Venmo & Mr. Wrong (Reasons)
"Nightmare" is a word high on everyone's list in the country this year, and we collectively find ourselves asking "when will we wake up from it?" as we delete our Twitter accounts because of tiny-handed racist presidents and delete our men because of #MeToo. So it only seems fitting that the first episode of The Bachelorette begins with a grainy, nightmare montage of Arie's traumatic dumping of Becca (if one can deem being dumped by the human equivalent of skim milk "traumatic.")
But we're not ones to dwell on the past! (Except for often and always, and as a neat-o ice breaker for 75% of the men spilling out of limos and minivans--more on that guy later.) For this is the inaugural episode of the season, and we get to watch former Bachelorettes awkwardly pretend they know and like each other as they sage the Bachelor Mansion, and then bear witness to the glory that are the introductions. And this year we have chickens! And evil oil tycoons! And lots of references to male genitalia!
See? Photo courtesy of ABC
It's a clusterfuck per usual, but there are of course some standouts.
David sashays out of a limo in a chicken suit, screaming "Be-caw!" (get it? GET IT?) but does spend the rest of the episode rather endearingly fretting about in the costume and annoying sentient Malibu Ken Doll Jordan in the process.
And speaking of sentient Malibu Ken dolls, Jordan has rapidly become my Absolute Favorite Human Being of All Time (TM). As empty headed as he is attractive, Jordan's endless stream of one-liners less sets him up to be the Krystal of this season, and more marches him firmly down the path of ANTM-era Tyra.
He uttered some real gems (including "My brand is the pensive gentleman" and "I wanted her to hear the tapping of the shoes I wore because it's like the heartbeat of a gentleman") but perhaps the best was in a preview for later in the season, in which he gives his impassioned speech to a #Hater:
"It's funny you think I'm a joke, because guess what: attached to me is professionality. It's my face. So if you want to wreck my image, it's actually pretty serious."
God help me, I'm in love.
Photos courtesy of ABC, Mattel, and truly a higher power
We also had Professional Former Harlem Globetrotter Christon (not to be confused with Chris or Christian) literally slam dunk over Becca's head and into our hearts; boring AF John claim he founded Venmo and suddenly become interesting for like a minute; resident Colognisseur Jean Blanc declare he's going to "blow [Becca's] nose away"; Leo, the man-bunned love child of Jason Momoa and Fabio; and death-defying Trent hurl himself out of a hearse and declare "When I found out you were the Bachelorette, I literally died!"
Then there were a bunch of forgettable nobodies who insisted on beating the Arie dead horse into a sticky, bloody pulp. Luckily, just when my interest was fading, the DRAMA came!
DRAMA courtesy of ABC
This season's #NotHereForTheRightReasons kicked off unusually early with the dramatic revelation that Chase (our greasy resident 19th-Century Oil Tycoon) had dated (read: ghosted) a woman for a month or so, and that said woman was friends with Chris (Chandler Bing's evil roommate Eddie's doppelgänger) and texted him to tell him that Chase was there For The Wrong Reasons. I already forget the reasons, because I'm too fascinated by their appearances.
Uncanny realities courtesy of ABC, NBC, and TV Tropes
ABC then made it a one-two punch with the EXTRA DRAMA of Jake, the One Who Sort of Knew Becca from Real Life. A true smooth criminal, he claimed multiple times he barely remembered Becca and didn't remember meeting her on several occasions, despite a frustrated Becca clearly remembering. Although I can't blame him, really, because I'd also be distracted and forgetful if my face was melting off.
Melting courtesy of ABC
However, in a display of badassery, Becca sent Jake packing before the first episode even ended. I dig it.
Now, onto the evening's War of the Roses!
The First Impression Rose
Despite the heavy foreshadowing (including all of the former Bachelorettes chirping endlessly about how their First Rose Recipients all became their at-least-temporary fiancés), all of Bachelor Nation is now praying Garrett, he who tooted up the always-wet driveway in a minivan stocked with soccer balls and carseats and snagged himself the First Impression Rose, is sent packing in episode 2. Turns out that Garrett's been a bit of a problem on social media, and has since deleted his accounts after double tapping a number of Instagram posts that were misogynistic attacks on women, portrayed the Parkland shooting survivors as paid actors, and praised she-devil Tomi Lahren as actually beneficial to this world in any way (among other lovely topics). Here's to hoping he crashes and burns faster than Megyn Kelly's talkshow did, because remember folks, she's fucking terrible.
The Rose Winners
A gaggle of men that mentioned Arie/carried cardboard cutouts of Arie/wore Arie-style leisure suits upon meeting Becca all lived to see another day. We're also going to be blessed for at least one more episode with Malibu Ken Doll, Chicken Guy, Venmo Guy, the Banjoist, our beloved Harlem Globetrotter, Colton aka Diet Malibu Ken, Wills with the Expecto Patronum tattoo (!!), the Colognisseur, that dude in the hearse, and Leo with the Good Hair.
The Rose Losers
We already know that Jake was sent packing, but joining him were Chase the #WrongReasonOilTycoon, Darius who was too pure for this franchise, Grant of the Evil Face, Kamil the "Social Media Participant" who thinks women should do all the work, and Christian (whoever the hell that was).
The Rose Heartbreak
But alas, there was one more man sent home in a cruel twist of fate akin to plunging a dagger into Bachelor Nation's heart. Joe, the lovable grocer, was sent home likely due to his stammering awkwardness at the crucial first impression point. But it really is a shame, because he proved himself to be a sweet, kind, charming, and intelligent man over the course of the episode. Joe, I know how heard breakups are, so if you need a shoulder to cry on or a woman to marry, please feel free to slide into my DMs anytime.
Photos courtesy of ABC
COMING UP, ON THE BACHELORETTE.
This season is looking like a ripe diaper of disaster if the preview was any indication, and boy am I excited. Things we're gonna see:
- More of Leo’s hair
- Lots of kissing in the ocean
- A glorious abundance of Malibu Ken's epic one-liners
- Colton's maybe true/maybe not admission that he's never had his credit card swiped (ifyaknowwhatimean)
- And so much more
See you all next week!
