The Bachelor Season 23: Lambs to the Slaughter
Jesus fucking Christ, have we STILL not started Colton’s season? How long has this been going on for? A year? Two? Fifty? This is the never-ending saga of the never-getting laid, and my god, are we already so sick of him that we’d legit take anyone else at this point. Dean? Sure. Chicken David? Whatever. Nick Viall for his 56th run? Why the fuck not! Literally anyone but Colton.
But forget that boring, insecure man child, and instead feast your eyes on the hilariously awful buffet of this season’s contestants! That’s right, we finally have our lineup of listless, lust-crazed, potentially lethal ladies ready for your viewing pleasure.
Are you ready for January 7? Of course not. Now get the fuck in here and suffer with the rest of us.
(ABC)
Alex B
Age: 29
Occupation: Dog Rescuer
Hometown: Vancouver, BC
In Her Own Words: Alex is the proud owner of a successful dog rescue business, which takes her all over the world in search of four-legged friends to save. To date, she's saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter. Luckily for Alex, rumor has it Colton is a dog lover too.
Not sure why she left out her neat party trick of being able to fit an entire toddler into her mouth, but whatever.
My Prediction: Eh, the dog angle is nice, and she’s almost 30, so she has some staying power—but that’s too old and too heartwarming to win, so I think she’ll be brutally cut right before Fantasy Suites, and for that, she should be grateful.
(ABC)
Alex D.
Age: 23
Occupation: Sloth
Hometown: Boston
In Her Own Words: A New England girl through and through, Alex was born on Cape Cod, went to college at University of Massachusetts and now lives in Boston. When she's not cheering on the Patriots or the Red Sox, she's working as an account manager for an IT staffing agency. Alex talks fast, but tends to move slowly...verrrrrrrrrrry slowly.
Wow, okay, so the Producers have just decided to go balls to the fucking walls with this occupation nonsense. Fuck it, right? Be whatever the fuck you want. Sloth? Sure. Fuck you. Anyway, two things:
1) Cape Cod! UMass! Pats! Red Sox! All we’re waiting on is her horrible "Pahk the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd!” joke as she oozes herself out of the limo and we'll have Boston Bingo.
2) However, I call fucking shenanigans, because anyone that doesn’t walk faster than a fucking sprint through the streets of Boston is messily murdered and turned into a bloody, trodden-upon pulp right there on the concrete.
My Prediction: 23, caricature-ish, has a schtick…she’ll stick around until mid-season at least, hopefully with some Annaliese-style black-and-white footage showing the horrors of her slowness.
(ABC)
Angelique
Age: 28
Occupation: Marketing Salesperson
Hometown: Hamilton, NJ
In Her Own Words: Angelique is a small-town Jersey girl with a love of corny jokes. Here's one for you, Angelique: Why did Colton cross the road? To meet you, of course!
That’s not a corny joke, that’s a fucking pathetic excuse for a string of consonants and vowels. But joke’s on you, girl, your goddamn Bachelor is Colton. Next.
My Prediction: Gone on the first night.
(ABC)
Annie
Age: 23
Occupation: Financial Associate
Hometown: New York, NY
In Her Own Words: Annie grew up on a farm in Wisconsin where she learned to ride horses. She competed in nationals for horse riding before attending the University of Alabama to study finance. Annie loves country music and swing dancing. She's hoping to sweep Colton off his feet!
Ah, small town girl set loose in the big city. Trying to fit in at swanky Manhattan bars while wishing she was kicking her heels up at the rodeo or whatever the fuck it is people do in the country. She’s going to be overly Southern Twanging despite her Wisconsin roots and she’s probably going to be heinously passive aggressive, and honestly, I’m here for it…
My Prediction: …until about Episode 5 when all of the women want to kill her, and she’s blessedly sent packing in a flurry of tears and “y’alls.”
(ABC)
Bri
Age: 24
Occupation: Model
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
In Her Own Words: A model from Southern California, Bri is much more than just a pretty face. She played soccer for eight years, enjoys hiking and camping, and loves to hit the snowboard slopes. Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly. (Don't worry Bri, we won't tell Colton.)
Wow, I hate her so fucking much. First of all, it’s just fucking “slopes” not “snowboard slopes,” just say you like snowboarding for fuck’s sake. Second of all, EVERYONE FUCKING FARTS, BRI, THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU QUIRKY OR CUTE.
My Prediction: She’ll be sent home sometime mid-season with a gaggle of other unremarkable blondes, and no one will remember her from that moment on.
(ABC)
Caelynn
Age: 23
Occupation: Miss North Carolina 2018
Hometown: Charlotte, NC
In Her Own Words: Caelynn grew up in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and attended Virginia Commonwealth University, where she got her degree in broadcast journalism. She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen. She once flew to Japan for a first date! Luckily, she'll only have to travel to the Bachelor mansion to meet Colton.
Oh look, a Miss [Insert State Here] with a broadcast journalism degree! How unique for this show! I bet no contestant in the history of the Bachelorverse could boast such illustrious, out-there accolades as a pageant queen or journalism major. I cannot wait to see what numerous breaths of fresh air however-the-fuck-you-pronounce-her-name is going to bring!
Also, wait, what the FUCK she flew to JAPAN for a FIRST DATE? Way to bury the damn lead, ABC. She’s fucking crazy, and it’s going to be glorious.
My Prediction: What’s-her-name is a Bachelor Producer’s wet dream, so you better believe she’ll be in the Final Three. Then she’ll get hilariously left behind on an island somewhere, but c'est la vie.
(ABC)
Caitlin
Age: 25
Occupation: Realtor
Hometown: Toronto, ON
In Her Own Words: Caitlin is a successful realtor from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, who enjoys photography, painting and singing in the shower. Here's hoping she musters the courage to belt out a few tunes in front of Colton...or, maybe not?
OF COURSE SHE’S A REALTOR. Good thing she’s so successful, because this bio is so fucking boring I’ve already forgotten who she is. Next!
My Prediction: Booted out after a humiliating obstacle course date on Episode 2.
(ABC)
Cassie
Age: 23
Occupation: Speech Pathologist
Hometown: Huntington Beach, CA
In Her Own Words: A true native Californian, Cassie grew up at the beach and is an avid surfer. She is currently completing her degree in speech pathology and hopes to one day open up a private practice to work with kids. Maybe in the meantime she can teach Colton the language of love.
Sounds wholesome. I hope she’s a monster.
My Prediction: She’s going to be sickly sweet and passive aggressive to the point of fisticuffs with the other contestants. She’ll be kicked off, to her “shock,” on the delicious 2-on-1 date and left during a dramatic montage of her slowly wandering the beach.
(ABC)
Catherine
Age: 26
Occupation: DJ
Hometown: Ft. Lauderdale, FL
In Her Own Words: By day, Catherine is a successful commercial real estate agent. By night, Catherine is DJ Agro—an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene. Along with her dog daughter, Lucy, Catherine is hoping to spin her way into Colton's heart.
Nope.
Prediction: Her plastic surgery collapses in an off-screen emergency, prompting her untimely departure from the Mansion.
(ABC)
Courtney
Age: 23
Occupation: Caterer
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
In Her Own Words: Courtney was born in Wiesbaden, Germany, but grew up in McDonough, Georgia, with four younger siblings. She turned her passion for food and cooking into a successful catering business, crafting healthy meal plans for athletes. Now she's just hoping she has the recipe for love with Colton!
Cute? Check. Seemingly successful? Check. Health conscious? Check. Ties to Colton’s occupational past? Check. Gonna be lovely and sweet and yet booted out without an explanation despite being a really, really good match? Check.
My Prediction: Gone far before her time. Goodnight, sweet princess.
(ABC)
Demi
Age: 23
Occupation: Interior Designer
Hometown: Red Oak, TX
In Her Own Words: Demi grew up in rural Texas and is a proud country girl. She loves ATVing, fishing and watching WWE. She can also drive a stick shift. She's ready to put her pursuit of Colton into overdrive! Keep an eye on this one, Bachelor Nation!
Goddamn is Demi a fucking “I’m not like other girls!” or what. Anytime there’s a fancy date or one of the other women dares to like something girly, we can count on Demi to roll her eyes and say well SHE’D just be happy pile driving someone and then relaxing with a solid afternoon of dirt biking, but hey, to each their own.
My Prediction: Winner, because there is no god.
(ABC)
Devin
Age: 23
Occupation: Broadcast Journalist
Location: Medford, OR
In Her Own Words: Devin graduated from Arizona State University with a Master of Arts in sports journalism. She currently works as broadcast journalist for a local news station in Medford, Oregon. When she's not reporting, you can find her doing her best sun salutation in yoga class. Namaste, Colton!
OH, LOOK. ANOTHER BROADCAST JOURNALIST. AND LOOK, SHE WENT TO FUCKING ARIZONA STATE. AND SHE DROPPED A NAMASTE.
My Prediction: Sent home two episodes before Hometowns, despite her bragging about making it to Hometowns, and she’ll lose her shit at the Rose Ceremony. Nama-fucking-ste.
(ABC)
Elyse
Age: 31
Occupation: Makeup Artist
Hometown: Soldotna, AK
In Her Own Words: Elyse grew up outside of Anchorage in Soldotna, Alaska, where she spent her childhood ice-skating and snowmobiling. She found warmer a climate when she relocated to Scottsdale, Arizona, where she now works as a makeup artist. She also he enjoys hiking, reading and spending time with friends over good food and wine.
Bernadette Peters seems a little too relatable and normal, so the other women will immediately turn her into a scapegoat and she’ll get the dreaded Here For The Wrong Reasons Card viciously thrown at her face.
Also, “warmer a climate,” interns? For fuck’s sake, just download Grammerly.
My Prediction: Gone by Episode 3, much to the glee of everyone else.
(ABC)
Erika
Age: 31
Occupation: Recruiter
Hometown: Encinitas, CA
In Her Own Words: "The Nut," as she's known to her friends, is a ball of energy with a great sense of humor. Erika boasts that one of her talents is being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight. What's your secret, Nut?
Okay sad Bachelor Intern writing this bio, you just said it was “The Nut” not “Nut” so get your shit together. Also, WOW you guys are gonna run with “Nut” and “Nutting” jokes all season long, huh. Because, in case you forgot, COLTON IS A VIRGIN.
My Prediction: Viciously rejected Runner Up, because nutting jokes will be the hallmark of this season.
(ABC)
Erin
Age: 28
Occupation: Cinderella
Hometown: Plano, TX
In Her Own Words: Erin works full time for her stepmother's home improvement business. She's not afraid to get her hands dirty but cleans up nicely. When she's not working, Erin enjoys ballroom dancing (as long as it's not too late of a night). Erin also loves expensive shoes but admits she can do a better job keeping track of them. She loves pumpkin spice lattes.
Well this charade of a human being has already spent too much time taking up space in my brain.
My Prediction: Sent home in the same mid-season gaggle of other easily confused blondes as Bri.
(ABC)
Hannah B
Age: 23
Occupation: Miss Alabama 2018
Hometown: Tuscaloosa, GA (Um, Interns—Alabama is AL, Georgia is GA. I know they’re all the same basket of hell, but still.)
In Her Own Words: Born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Hannah was bred to be a proud member of the Alabama Crimson Tide. Following in her parents' footsteps, she recently graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in communications. She currently works as an interior designer and never misses an Alabama football game. Oh, and in her spare time this year, she won the title of Miss Alabama USA 2018. Roll Tide, Hannah!
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. We have a psychotic Alabama fanatic who, OF FUCKING COURSE, is another Miss [Insert State Here]. Judging by this and her overly aggressive eyebrow arch, ladies and gentlemen, we have our villain of the season!
My Prediction: After aggressive battles with the other women, and the Producers making it look like she’ll get to Hometowns after all, she’ll be dramatically cut the episode before.
(ABC)
Hannah G
Age: 23
Occupation: Content Creator
Hometown: Birmingham, AL
In Her Own Words: This sweet Southern belle definitely isn't camera shy—she's both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business. Apart from planning the photo shoots for her next posts, Hannah enjoys being a foodie and glamping. Hopefully Colton "likes" what you're putting down, Hannah!
If you’ve ever been confused as to what the hallmarks of Gen Z are, look no further than Hannah, our walking billboard of #blessed.
My Prediction: #Blessedly gone in the mid-season blonde dump.
(ABC)
Heather
Age: 22
Occupation: Never Been Kissed
Hometown: Carlsbad, CA
In Her Own Words: Born and raised in San Diego, California, Heather is a Southern California girl through and through. She's a thrill-seeker who enjoys bungee jumping, skydiving and river-rafting. But out of all the thrilling things Heather's done, there's still one thrill she's yet to experience—she's never kissed a boy!
Yeah, we can tell.
Prediction: Aggressively rejected on the first night, then sobs about still not getting that kiss.
(ABC)
Adrianne “Jane"
Age: 26
Occupation: Social Worker
Hometown: West Hollywood, CA
In Her Own Words: A native to Los Angeles, Jane is a free spirit with infectious energy. As a social worker, she uses her positive vibes and good nature to help care for seniors at an elderly day care facility. When she's not at work, Jane loves spending time with her mom and her dog, Bella.
This “free spirit” with “positive vibes” and a “good nature” is going to be a fucking villain and a half. She’s going to constantly use her *~good vibes~* as an hilariously faulty excuse for why she can’t possibly be a bad person, while the rest of the contestants wonder aloud how the fuck anyone lets her around seniors that need care.
My Prediction: But since she’s a brunette and older than the fetus that is Hannah B., she’ll be booted out first while Hannah gloats endlessly—before promptly being sent home the next episode.
(ABC)
Katie
Age: 26
Occupation: Medical Sales Representative
Hometown: Sherman Oaks, CA
In Her Own Words: A lifelong dancer, Katie attended Louisiana State University where she competed on the dance team. After moving to Los Angeles to work as medical sales rep, Katie settled in Sherman Oaks, where she enjoys yoga and sushi. She still dances in her spare time, and hopes to teach Colton a few moves.
Ughhhhhh these girls are all so fucking predictable. LSU, dancer, medical sales rep, Sherman Oaks, yoga, sushi. Seriously, they’re not even sentient, breathing entities at this point, they’re just cardboard cutouts of people that the producers manipulate around every scene.
My Prediction: Gone by Episode 3.
(ABC)
Kirpa
Age: 26
Occupation: Dental Hygienist
Hometown: Whittier, CA
In Her Own Words: This beautiful and spunky California girl works for her dad's dentistry business as a dental hygienist. She loves hiking, reading, cooking and swimming. Her one deal breaker? Colton better floss.
Who the fuck uses the word “spunky” anymore? Other than a mass of producers hell bent on using every single far-reaching dick joke and semen reference in the fucking book. Who would’ve ever thought I’d miss conch jokes?
My Prediction: I don’t even fucking care.
(ABC)
Laura
Age: 26
Hometown: Accountant
Occupation: Dallas, TX
In Her Own Words: Originally from El Paso, Texas, this beautiful girl-next-door once moved to Spain on a whim. Luckily for Colton, she moved back and is ready to put her heart on the line for love.
How the fuck can you make something like moving to Spain on a whim sound so fucking goddamn boring? Jesus Christ, I just want to die already. Laura is going to insist she’s so interesting and exciting and what the fuck ever, all while puddling around with all the personality of a gelatinous bar of wet tofu.
My Prediction: Final Four, because they need a token brunette, and also because the Producers love torturing us with boring as fuck contestants (looking at you, Lauren B.).
(ABC)
Nicole
Age: 25
Occupation: Social Media Coordinator
Hometown: Miami, FL
In Her Own Words: Nicole is a fun and energetic Miami native who loves salsa dancing and singing a capella. Her family is originally from Havana, Cuba, and she's extremely proud of her roots. She lives at home with her brother, mom and grandma and can't wait for Colton to try some of her grandma's cooking.
Holy fuck, that nose job. Nicole is going to be a screeching stereotype, playing up the loud Cuban roots and waxing endlessly on about the importance of family ties. Colton, who’s a 26-year-old virgin with significant intimacy issues, will blithely entertain her for a few episodes, before awkwardly forgetting her name at a Rose Ceremony.
My Prediction: Gone by Episode 6.
(ABC)
Nina
Age: 30
Occupation: Sales Account Manager
Hometown: Raleigh, NC
In Her Own Words: Nina was born in Croatia and moved to the United States with her mom when she was nine years old, fleeing the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs. Amongst her many hobbies, Nina enjoys kayaking and hiking. She's also watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years.
Ah, this season’s Kristina. Nina is going to be sweet, deep, intelligent, kind, and compassionate. She’ll discuss the hardships of her formative years, opening up with surprising candor. She’ll talk about eating some sort of makeup product to survive, and all of Bachelor Nation will be rooting so hard for her.
My Prediction: Colton will seem absolutely smitten by her, before brutally rejecting her for someone entirely fucking AWFUL, and will then shrug his shoulders and promptly forget who she is.
(ABC)
Onyeka
Age: 24
Occupation: IT Risk Consultant
Hometown: Dallas, TX
In Her Own Words: Onyeka grew up in Manhattan, Kansas, in a loving family. Her parents are originally from Nigeria and have been married for 35 years. Fun fact: Her parents got engaged after just two weeks. Onyeka is hoping to have that same kind of luck with Colton.
I mean, her parents sound interesting and all, but why is there literally fucking nothing about her in her own goddamn bio? Is she really that staggeringly uninteresting? Does she literally have no life and no interest and no identity of her own?
My Prediction: Onyeka is going to be the one going on and on and on about how her parents got married so quickly and yet it’s lasted so long, and how love at first sight exists, and how she just KNOWS she’s meant to be with Colton, and then he’s going to send her home on the first night.
(ABC)
Revian
Age: 24
Occupation: Nurse
Hometown: Santa Monica, CA
In Her Own Words: Revian is an esthetician from Los Angeles. When she's not helping people feel beautiful, she loves to attend music festivals. She's also fluent in Mandarin.
Is fucking EVERYONE from California this season? Jesus Christ. That aside, I…want to believe that she’s a nurse esthetician who performs advanced skin care procedures and the likes, but I assume she’s just a standard esthetician and the producers are really fucking reaching. Looking forward to a handful of episodes where she angrily fights anyone who dares call her out for not being a nurse, and her frenzied insistence that facials are VERY IMPORTANT MEDICAL PROCEDURES, PEOPLE.
My Prediction: Gone in the mass mid-season blonde executions.
(ABC)
Sydney
Age: 27
Occupation: NBA Dancer
Hometown: New York, NY
In Her Own Words: Sydney has danced since she was three years old and is currently a professional dancer for an NBA team. She's had great success in her career, but hasn't been as lucky in love. She's never had a boyfriend!
So she’s going to have deep emotional issues, be completely unable to connect with someone on an intimate level, and entirely unable to form a healthy, lasting, fulfilling relationship. Which makes her perfect for Colton!
My Prediction: Not that he cares, cause she’ll be gone by Episode 5.
(ABC)
Tahzjuan
Age: 25
Occupation: Business Development Associate
Hometown: Castle Pines, CO
In Her Own Words: Tahzjuan grew up in Houston but moved to Colorado with her mom, brother and two dogs. She loves reading, outdoor concerts and shopping with her mom. Fun fact: She has a tattoo that say "I love bad ideas." Hopefully, Tahzjuan only sticks to her good ideas when it comes to Colton.
Well that tattoo is the most fucking meta thing I’ve read all day. She’s going to be a fucking lunatic and overly aggressive with all of the other women—and especially with Colton, who’s going to be fucking terrified of her.
My Prediction: Booted out on Episode 3.
(ABC)
Tayshia
Age: 28
Occupation: Phlebotomist
Hometown: Corona Del Mar, CA
In Her Own Words: This Southern California girl is definitely not the squeamish type—she draws blood for a living! When she's not filling up vials for her patients, she volunteers at her church and goes wine tasting. Unlike her patients, Tayshia hopes Colton feels faint when he sees her!
Ah, there she is, the religious one. She’s going to be fodder for nonstop blood rushing jokes, wax on about God and His purpose for her, exclaim that she “can handle this!” anytime anyone so much as gets a paper cut, and generally annoy the fuck out of everyone around her.
My Prediction: Gets blandly sent home post-group date sometime mid-season.
(ABC)
Tracy
Age: 31
Occupation: Wardrobe Stylist
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
In Her Own Words: Originally from New York, Tracy relocated to West Hollywood to pursue a career in wardrobe styling. When she's not helping celebrities look their best, she's traveling the world with her sister. She'll be helping Colton with fashion tips all season long.
Tracy is way too chic and sophisticated for Colton. Plus, he’ll be afraid of her independence, confidence, and audacity to be over 30. RIP, Empowered Woman.
My Prediction: Sticks around until Episode 7.
