The Bachelor S23: Beating Off a Dead Horse

You know how you had that one friend in high school who was the “comic relief,” yet was painfully unfunny and just screamed out the same joke over and over again, and no one could remember ever inviting him to anything but he was always exactly wherever you were when you least wanted to see him or hear his shitastic jokes?

All of those friends grew up and joined The Bachelorverse’s marketing team.  

“I’ve got it: Let’s send the bastard to the Virgin Islands for the fantasy suites!” (Pexels)

We’re still over a month away from the premiere and already so collectively sick of this virgin schtick that people were outright rioting in ABC’s Insta comments.    

For a show that’s attempting to say it’s celebrating someone’s choice to remain a virgin, and isn’t using the angle as a marketing ploy, they’ve cut out the middleman and just beat that virginity horse into pure liquid glue. 

(Somewhere in Hollywood, a Bachelor producer just pricked its ears up.) 

ABC, you have to pick a side. Are we celebrating Colton’s personal choice to stay abstinent, and showing the world that it’s okay to wait to have sex until you’re completely ready/have found the right person? Or are we celebrating with utter glee the fact that Colton’s still a card-carrying member of the V Club and has inumerable hang ups when it comes to women and dating? 

“Fuck if we know!” (ABC)

Although the real question here is why am I even bothering? They’re going to parade around this entire season pretending like they’re super cool with non-religious men in their late 20s still being virgins, while hurling virgin jokes left and right, presenting a few token sad virgin women that Colton will (of course) reject immediately, and ultimately showing the world they literally just don’t give a fuck about anything.

God, I love this dumpster fire.