Uh, yeah. So here we are again. I’m not really sure what to say, after last season, other than I had to google Zach like 15 times to remember who he is. Why is this man so forgettable? I know he was on Gabby/Rachel’s season, which I watched every episode of, and and yet I stare at pictures of him blankly, wondering who he is and what he was doing all season long. When was he sent home? Why was he sent home?

After going to Wikipedia yet again, I determine that he made it to Rachel’s Top 3 and was booted the morning after his Fantasy Suite, because 26-year-old Rachel didn’t think 25-year-old Zach was ready for marriage. Now let me further crack your sanity by clarifying that Rachel is literally only four months older than Zach. 

Of course Zach wasn’t ready for marriage—and neither was Rachel. Both of these people were born in 1996, when I was already a wisened 6th grader wearing Adidas track pants and screaming along to the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe”. I was probably more ready for marriage then than they were, despite the fact that I carried an aggressive torch for Labyrinth’s David Bowie character and decided I was going to have two daughters and name them Aspen and Sierra. Preferably with David Bowie’s Jareth, but I was fine having them with someone else, as long as he came to kidnap them and take them back to his castle in the goblin city so we could eventually be together.

Anyway, it’s unsurprising that our latest Bachelor is yet another wildly forgettable white man with less personality than a jar of warm mayo, but my googling DID unearth a tidbit I’d completely forgotten about—Zach’s uncle is Patrick Warbuton, aka Puddy from Seinfeld and Joe Swanson from Family Guy! And we got to see him on camera during Hometowns! Of COURSE I remembered him being on the show, but right after the episode promptly forgot it was Zach he was related to, given that every time I try to focus on thoughts of Zach all I can hear and see is TV static.

Why won’t the Producers finally man up and give the people what they want—a season starting Patrick Warburton! I literally do not care what role he takes, he can be the Bachelor, he can be the host, he can be literally every single contestant, just set me afloat on a sea of Puddies and let me drift off in peace.

But alas, we’re stuck with Zach. As we reluctantly continue, let’s take a quick look at this season’s stats before we meet our already-distressed damsels:

• 4 Contestants from Florida

• 3 Contestants from Texas

• 3 Contestants from California

• 2 Contestants in their 30s (okay fine, they’re 30)

• 6 Contestants without fully developed frontal lobes

• 4 Nurses and 3 healthcare-adjacent contestants

• 2 Vi(c)(k)torias

• 2 Olivias

• 1 NBA dancer

• 1 Rodeo racer

• 1 Iowa State Farm Pig-Shower

• 1 Mom

• 1 Contestant who dreams of going to Stagecoach

So. Yeah. There’s a lot of diversity, which is awesome, but once you read these bios it won’t even matter. Reader beware, you’re in for a scare.

Aly

Age: 26
Hometown: Atlanta, Georgia
Job I think She Has: L’Oreal Kiosk Model
Job She Actually Has: Healthcare Strategist

Official Bachelorette Bio:

With a beautiful smile and a personality to match, Aly is a Southern sweetheart ready to find love! Aly is a hopeless romantic and has even ended serious relationships because her exes weren't ready for the real deal. She's the full package and is as passionate about her work in healthcare as she is about Disneyland. Aly hopes Zach can match her energy and is excited to meet a man who's ready for marriage. Nothing makes her happier than her goldendoodle named Texas, so hopefully, Zach can handle a little puppy love because these two are a package deal!

Fun Facts:
• Aly is a proud collector of porcelain dolls.
• Aly went to the same high school as Beyoncé.
• Aly loves broccolini but hates broccoli.

My Take: How the fuck do you love broccolini but hate broccoli? It’s the same damn thing. 

My Prediction: Gone Week 3 after a 1:1 dinner where Zach has broccolini but she has broccoli, and he won’t swap with her

Anastasia

Age: 30
Hometown: San Diego, California
Job I think She Has: Micro-influencer specializing in dog fashion
Job She Actually Has: Content Marketing Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Anastasia is really someone special. She comes from a big, loving Greek family and is ready to find love of her own! When it comes to finding a husband, Anastasia is looking for a mature man who has his life together and knows what he wants. In her free time, Anastasia enjoys watching the "Harry Potter" movies, visiting her family in Greece and vibing out to Rufus Du Sol's music. Anastasia is done wasting time when it comes to dating and is ready to jump into love with both feet. Will Zach be the man to take the plunge with her? Only time will tell.

Fun Facts:
• Anastasia loves animals but is intimidated by monkeys.
• Anastasia has always felt a strong connection to Cleopatra.
• Anastasia fears the day low-rise skinny jeans become fashionable again.

My Take: This woman is a caricature of what Gen Z Bachelor fans think an actual human being is.

My Prediction: Storms off in a flurry of tears and righteous indignation after a fashion shoot group date where she’s forced to wear low-rise skinny jeans

Ariel

Age: 28
Hometown: New York City, New York
Job I think She Has: Toddler Vibes Therapist
Job She Actually Has: Marketing Executive (NO 28-YEAR-OLD IS AN EXECUTIVE, GIVE IT UP. Girl has spent LESS THAN ONE YEAR as a Marketing Director.)

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Ariel is a thrill-seeker, and here at "The Bachelor," thrill she will find. Ariel is adventurous, sophisticated, unapologetically herself and is looking for a man who can match her energy! Ariel comes from a big, loving Ukrainian family and is looking to find love like her parents have. She is a woman of the world and has traveled everywhere, from Europe to Asia to South America and more! When she's not jet-setting, she loves exploring her hometown of New York City by going on long walks and listening to SZA. Ariel is truly hoping that Zach is her perfect match!

Fun Facts:
• Ariel loves to read Architectural Digest.
• Ariel doesn't do tarantulas under any circumstance.
• Dancing to Abba makes Ariel smile.

My Take: I highly doubt she loves to read AD, as I highly doubt she can read

My Prediction: Gone in the Mid-Season Massacre along with every other remaining brunette

Bailey

Age: 27
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Job I think She Has: TikTok Stay at Home Girlfriend
Job She Actually Has: Executive Recruiter 

Official Bachelorette Bio: 

Bailey is the perfect combination of loving and loyal. She is truly ready to settle down and meet her dream man! Bailey isn't on dating apps because she says she's not looking to date around; she is ready to find the one and thinks "The Bachelor" is the perfect place to do just that. Bailey is passionate about health and wellness and hopes to one day own her own business in the wellness world. She loves traveling and going on an adventure and hopes Zach is also looking for an adventure buddy. Bailey is extremely down to earth, gets along with everyone, and hopes her future husband will bring a similar energy to their relationship. We can't wait to see if Bailey and Zach hit it off!

Fun Facts:
• Bailey would love to be a professional skydiver.
• Bailey likes her margaritas spicy!
• Bailey named her dog Charlie after Charlie Brown.

My Take: I don’t even care

My Prediction: Sent home in shame after it’s revealed she’s been active on Tinder, Bumble, The League, Hinge, and Facebook Dating for years

Becca

Age: 25
Hometown: Burbank, California
Job I think She Has: Horticulture Apprentice
Job She Actually Has: Nursing Student

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Becca is incredible. She is a nursing student who has always put others before herself and dedicates her life to helping people. She comes from a close-knit Mexican American family and was raised by her mom, who she says is the person she loves most in this world. When it comes to what she wants in a partner, Becca is looking for someone she has a natural chemistry with who isn't afraid to be goofy sometimes. She is hoping to meet a man who is as loyal, honest and supportive as she is. Becca is here to find her perfect match and hopefully return home with Zach by her side.

Fun Facts:
• Being outdoors relaxes Becca.
• Becca is a sucker for forbidden romance novels.
• Becca wore a lot of beanies in high school and gave off a skater-girl vibe.

My Take: “Becca is incredible.” Who the fuck writes this shit?

My Prediction: Genuinely seems nice and red-flag-free (other than describing herself as having given off a skater-girl vibe) so will make it to the Final 2 and then be aggressively dumped for a super, super problematic lunatic.

Brianna

Age: 24
Hometown: Jersey City, New Jersey
Job I think She Has: One-Time Hoboken Historical Museum Visitor
Job She Actually Has: Entrepreneur (sure)

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Brianna is a boss woman looking to add some love to her life! She is smart, entrepreneurial and creative, which lead to her owning a successful beauty company at just 24 years old. Brianna is giving She-E-O vibes! Now that her career is in such a good spot, she seems to have everything in place except for a man. Brianna is a woman of the world and even lived in Paris for a few years growing up. So, she is looking for a ride-or-die partner with whom she can travel to new places. Brianna has high expectations, but she's truly hopeful that Zach could be the man for her!

Fun Facts:
• Brianna hopes to go cage diving with sharks one day.
• Brianna created her own language as a child.
• Brianna does not do "Netflix and chill."

My Take: Every time someone uses the term “boss woman/babe/etc.” a misogynist gets his wings

My Prediction: Finally Netflix and Chills with Zach during Fantasy Suites, only to be immediately eliminated in the next Rose Ceremony. 

Brooklyn

Age: 25
Hometown: Stillwater, Oklahoma
Job I think She Has: Miss KKK 2022
Job She Actually Has: Rodeo Racer

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Brooklyn is a rodeo country girl ready to saddle up for the love story of a lifetime! At just 13 years old, Brooklyn discovered her passion for horse barrel racing and went on to study animal science. One day, she dreams of being a professional rodeo cowgirl and horse trainer. But now, Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice where she custom designs teeth for life-changing dental procedures. Zach, get ready to say cheese and show off those pearly whites! Brooklyn hasn't had the easiest path when it comes to her relationship history, so she's ready for a fresh start with the Bachelor. Will Zach be the perfect cowboy for this fun-loving cowgirl? Only time will tell.

Fun Facts:
• Brooklyn would love to be able to teleport.
• Brooklyn is a two-stepping pro.
• Brooklyn loves to start her day with a delicious breakfast burrito.

My Take: A horse girl/dental assistant named Brooklyn who already has a path of dating destruction at 25? We’ve found our villain, people! 

My Prediction: Wins the fucking season

Cara

Age: 27
Hometown: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Job I think She Has: Sorority Meme Account Admin
Job She Actually Has: Corporate Recruiter

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Cara is as ambitious and driven as she is beautiful. She really has her life figured out, from her career to her social life, but there's one major piece missing ― a husband. Cara has tried dating apps and being set up, but she is way more excited about this new, unique opportunity to find love with Zach. When she isn't hustling in the office, she's jamming out to Justin Bieber while walking around New York City. Cara is hoping to meet an ambitious and intelligent man and hopes she feels sparks flying with Zach!

Fun Facts:
• Nothing upsets Cara like seeing garbage on the sidewalk.
• Cara loves Christmas movies.
• Cara is not a good cook, but she is great at “assembling meals.”

My Take: I, too, am very good at assembling meals. I just pop open that cork, slide that large straw into my bottle of wine, and voila! Dinner is served!

My Prediction: Gone Night One

Cat

Age: 26
Hometown: New York, New York
Job I think She Has: Vintage Polly Pocket Reseller
Job She Actually Has: Dancer

Official Bachelorette Bio:

When it comes to living life to the fullest, Cat likes to just go for it! Cat is a free spirit who isn't afraid to be silly and always tries to keep a positive attitude. Cat loves living in New York City, is passionate about dancing and enjoys a picnic in the park. Cheese and crackers in Central Park with Cat? Sounds like a dreamy one-on-one date to us! Cat is ready to find someone who accepts her for who she is and will make her a priority. Cat believes true love is within reach, and we hope she's right!

Fun Facts:
• Cat LOVES hot dogs.
• Cat doesn't do dinner dates.
• Cat was a sailing instructor in high school. She dreams of sailing around the world.

My Take: …is she a sociopath?

My Prediction: Ends the season early by murdering Zach

Charity

Age: 26
Hometown: Columbus, Georgia
Job I think She Has: Designer Dog Chiropractor
Job She Actually Has: Child and Family Therapist

Official Bachelorette Bio:

It's easy to see what makes Charity such a great catch! With a smile that lights up the room, a great career and a sweet personality to match, Charity is the total package! The Georgia beauty takes her name as a call to love and care for people and has built her life on that purpose. Charity is a mental health therapist and is extremely passionate about helping people live their best lives. Now, she is ready to receive the love she gives to so many others! Charity hopes her future husband is honest, loyal and shares similar morals. She says she is really excited to meet Zach and thinks the two of them could be a perfect match on paper. Time will tell if they're also a perfect match in person!

Fun Facts:
• Charity's all-time favorite movie is "The Notebook."
• Charity wants to move to Walt Disney World one day.
• Charity throws a mean axe.

My Take: Why do seemingly smart people go on this show? What trauma have they endured that has forced them in this direction? Is it deep childhood trauma or recent head trauma?

My Prediction: Makes it to the Top 3, gets an incredible dream date at Walt Disney World where Zach tells her he loves her (first I Love You of the season!) and then promptly gets dumped during the next Rose Ceremony

Christina

Age: 26
Hometown: Nashville, Tennessee
Job I think She Has: Antebellum Apologist
Job She Actually Has: Content Creator (sure)

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Christina is ready for her perfect, fairytale love story! She is a mom to her amazing 5-year-old daughter, Blakely, who she lives to make happy. Since getting divorced, Christina has been searching for her perfect man but must be selective since she and her daughter are in this together. Christina is looking for a partner she can trust unconditionally and is open-minded to whatever life throws their way. Will Christina get the fairytale ending that she has always wanted with Zach? Only time will tell!

Fun Facts:
• Christina wants to learn how to hula dance.
• Christina considers herself a grandma to her daughter's pet turtle.
• Christina's favorite sport is CrossFit.

My Take: if I’ve learned anything in this world, it’s that the only people you can trust less than Bachelorverse contestant are CrossFit enthusiasts 

My Prediction: The red herring villain of the season who causes pure mayhem for the first two episodes before bailing early and claiming it’s because she misses her daughter, not because all the other women threatened to bodily hurl her from the roof

Davia

Age: 25
Hometown: Charleston, South Carolina
Job I think She Has: Reporter for the ABC Charleston affiliate’s 3am News
Job She Actually Has: Marketing Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Davia is a bold and strong woman who is ready for Mr. Right! While Davia's life hasn't always been easy, she's always persevered and is ready to receive the love she has given to so many others in her life. Davia loves dancing, listening to Lizzo and reading romance novels like "The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo." Davia is ready for marriage and wants it soon! She is looking for an honest man who will prioritize their relationship above all else. Hope you're ready, Zach!

Fun Facts:
• No one has helped Davia through breakups more than Taylor Swift.
• Davia could live on oysters.
• Davia says she can out-burp anyone.

My Take: Davia is like god drunkenly filled out a Millennial Mad Libs during a blackout, then saw it the next morning and decided to just roll with out

My Prediction: Gone in the Midseason Massacre

Gabi

Age: 25
Hometown: Pittsford, Vermont
Job I think She Has: Organic Cat Food Model and Instagram Spokesperson
Job She Actually Has: Account Executive

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Gabi is ready to find the one! She comes from a very loving family, and her parents' marriage has been the blueprint for the kind of love she hopes to find. Gabi wants an honest, outdoorsy man who will always put her first. While it may take a little time for Gabi to come out of her shell, once she does, Zach will learn that she's adventurous, loyal and driven. Gabi is so ready for marriage that she even has her dream wedding venue picked out in Italy on Lake Como. Hope Zach is ready for a destination wedding!

Fun Facts:
• Gabi's favorite Kardashian is Kris.
• Gabi loves to tailgate.
• Gabi hopes to own her own Pilates studio one day.

My Take: I, too, had a dream wedding venue picked out in Italy on Lake Como when I was 25. Then my frontal lobe finished forming and I realized I didn’t have $200,000 set aside for a wedding, and also I wasn’t ready for marriage

My Prediction: Final 2, and after being whisked away to Lake Como and promised she’s getting a proposal, is brutally dumped on national television for all to see

Genevie

Age: 26
Hometown: Baltimore City, Maryland
Job I think She Has: Adobe Stock Photography Model
Job She Actually Has: Neonatal Nurse

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Genevie is definitely the full package, with a smile that lights up every room she walks into! Not only is she a registered nurse, but she's hoping to be CEO of a hospital one day. Boss moves! When she's not working, Genevie loves reading Colleen Hoover books, playing sports and spending time with her family. The Maryland native is looking for a loyal and adventurous man and only dates to find the real deal. When Genevie loves, she loves hard and is looking for the right partner to settle down with.

Fun Facts:
• Genevie fears animals that are larger than her.
• Genevie goes hard for the Baltimore Ravens.
• Genevie can drive a stick shift … kind of.

My Take: How many dick jokes can you work into one bio?

My Prediction: Sent home Night 1 after scaring Zach with lots and lots of references to going hard, driving stick, how firm she likes it, etc. 

Greer

Age: 24
Hometown: Houston, Texas
Job I think She Has: Nerd who takes off her glasses and lets down her ponytail and becomes hot and popular
Job She Actually Has: Medical Sales Rep 

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Greer is a bold, hilarious woman who isn't afraid to speak her mind. She was born and raised in Houston, Texas, but took a risk and moved to New York City, where she loves living life to the fullest. Greer is loyal and confident and is looking for a partner who can keep up with her quick wit and big personality. She is a hopeless romantic and is a sucker for forehead kisses. Zach, take notes! Will Greer and Zach have the love story of a lifetime?

Fun Facts:
• Greer loves to shop at flea markets.
• Greer says she is never embarrassed.
• Greer can tell a lot about someone by their sushi order.

My Take: Gonna be the next Katie; has good intentions but is SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND POLARIZING IN HER APPROACH that she becomes an inadvertent villain

My Prediction: Zach sends her home with a sigh after she reads his fortune via sushi order on a 1:1 dinner date

Holland

Age: 24
Hometown: Boca Raton, Florida
Job I think She Has: Serial D-List Celebrity Dater
Job She Actually Has: Insurance Marketer

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Holland is a spunky and confident woman who needs a man who can keep up with her energy! The top things Holland is looking for in a relationship are unwavering commitment, loyalty and a genuine personality. Oh, and he also MUST love wine and sushi. Hope you're listening, Zach! Pilates and spending time at the beach in her home state of Florida are also important parts of Holland's life, and it would be a huge plus if she could meet someone to enjoy her favorite things with her. Holland knows what she wants, and good luck to anyone who tries to stop her!

Fun Facts:
• Holland loves yachting with her girls.
• Holland does not function without air conditioning.
• Holland's favorite TV show is "The Bachelor."

My Take: Wine, sushi, pilates, the beach, yachting—Bachelorverse Bingo! I loathe her.

My Prediction: Marooned on an island after threatening to murder Jess on a dramatic 2-on-1 date 

Jess

Age: 23
Hometown: Winter Springs, Florida
Job I think She Has: High School Junior
Job She Actually Has: E-Commerce Coordinator 

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Jess is a sweet soul from Orlando, Florida, who says Zach is her dream man! While Jess is one of the younger women, she is mature, knows what she wants in a partner and doesn't want to settle for anything less than her soul mate. Jess describes herself as a hopeless romantic and is ready for her fairytale romance worthy of a Taylor Swift love song. Jess comes from a big Puerto Rican family and hopes Zach is ready for her to spice up his life. Jess hopes Zach is as excited about her as she is about him!

Fun Facts:
• Jess's favorite date activity is playing with puppies.
• Jess doesn't leave the house without sunscreen. Ever.
• Jess could play Bananagrams all day and never get bored.

My Take: SHE’S ONLY TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD

My Prediction: See above

Kaity

Age: 27
Hometown: Austin, Texas
Job I think She Has: Soul Cycle Front Desk Staff
Job She Actually Has: ER Nurse

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Kaity is 100% wife material! The Canadian nurse is not only passionate about her career but she's got a great sense of humor and is extremely down to earth. Kaity is looking for her forever Prince Charming and says, "I truly hope to find love. I have so much love to give to the right man." Hopefully, Zach is the right man for her! Kaity can't wait to start a family and said that if a man didn't want kids, that would be a dealbreaker for her. Will Zach be the one to show this beauty that true love is out there? Only time will tell.

Fun Facts:
• Kaity grew up figure skating.
• Kaity isn't afraid of sliding into the DMs.
• Kaity LOVES roller coasters. Like, looooves them.
• Kaity enjoys swimming but hates that sharks may be swimming underneath her.

My Take: It REALLY bothers me that her name is spelled “Kaity” but I guess it’s better than, like, “Keighteigh”

My Prediction: Top 8 but sent home in a *~DRAMATIC~* reveal when 3 bros show up and show Zach how she somehow commandeered a phone and has been relentlessly DMing them

Katherine

Age: 26
Hometown: Tampa, Florida
Job I think She Has: Trust Fund Baby
Job She Actually Has: Registered Nurse

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Katherine is a vibrant go-getter with a witty sense of humor and a glass-half-full attitude. She loves spending time with her nieces and nephews and can't wait to have a family of her own. Katherine's career as a registered nurse is extremely important to her, but her No. 1 priority is to find her perfect match. Katherine's dream man is loyal, trustworthy, a great communicator and, most importantly, her best friend. She is looking for a real man who will enhance her life, and she's ready to put it all on the line to pursue love.

Fun Facts:
• People tell Katherine that she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.
• Katherine doesn't camp; she only glamps.
• Katherine could live off breakfast pastries.

My Take: It’s always shocking to me just how many of the nurses on this show I wouldn’t trust putting a bandaid on me, never mind taking care of my life 

My Prediction: Makes it to the Top 5 then is sent home after Zach won’t stop calling her Kaity

Kimberly

Age: 30
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Job I think She Has: Content Idea Enthusiast 
Job She Actually Has: Hospitality Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Kimberly is not here to mess around! She was in a serious relationship that lasted six years, but she was ready for her forever, and her ex was not. Kimberly has been single for the past few years and doesn't want just to date around. She is waiting for her perfect man. The Puerto Rican beauty's ideal date night would include watching the sunset at the beach with a picnic dinner. Zach, save that idea for later! Kimberly is ready to find her husband and start a family of her own. She is excited about the chance to fall in love again and can't wait for her "Bachelor" journey to begin!

Fun Facts:
• Kimberly loves to drink wine in her PJs.
• Kimberly can't wait to be a mom one day.
• Kimberly's favorite music is old-school hip-hop.

My Take: A 30 year old?? On The Bachelor??? 

My Prediction: Sent home Week 3 after Zach realizes how old she is, because he doesn’t want to marry an elderly woman

Kylee

Age: 25
Hometown: Charlotte, North Carolina
Job I think She Has: Exotic Pet Doula
Job She Actually Has: Postpartum Nurse

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Kylee may best be known as an NBA dancer, but this girl has way more going on than just her killer dance moves and beautiful smile! Outside of her love of dancing, Kylee is a registered nurse who works in a postpartum unit. She is passionate about helping new mothers and can't wait to have a baby of her own ASAP. She may only be 25, but Kylee is ready for the soccer mom life, so hopefully, Zach is on the same page! Kylee admits that she falls in love hard and fast, so time will tell if this hopeless romantic will be able to find her soul mate in Zach.

Fun Facts:
• You will never see Kylee with frizzy hair—Olaplex oil for life!
• Kylee likes her popcorn smothered in butter and mixed with M&Ms.
• Kylee's celebrity crush is Jimmy Garoppolo.

My Take: Wait, does anyone actually know or even recognize a single NBA dancer?

My Prediction: Yet another casualty of the Midseason Massacre

Lekha

Age: 29
Hometown: Miami, Florida
Job I think She Has: Adult Man Nanny
Job She Actually Has: Financial Advisor

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Lekha is a woman of the world! She was born in Chennai, India, and moved to the United States at 7 years old. Since then, she's lived in California, North Carolina, New York and Florida. It may take a little while for Lekha to come out of her shell, but her exuberant personality and top-notch belly dancing skills are worth the wait! Lekha is ready to find "the one," and while her parent's marriage was arranged, they are supportive of her journey to find love and happiness in her own way! Her close-knit family has her excited to start a family of her own. She can't wait to meet Zach and says, "I want nothing more than to be a great mom and find my person to share a life with."

Fun Facts:
• Massage is Lekha's love language.
• Going to Stagecoach is on Lehka's bucket list.
• Lehka's biggest turn-on? Abs.

My Take: WHY IS THIS WOMAN ON THIS SHO- oh, she has Stagecoach on her bucket list

My Prediction: Self-ejects after learning she’s supposed to go on a humiliating lingerie-clad group date

Madison

Age: 26
Hometown: Fargo, North Dakota
Job I think She Has: Serial Killer
Job She Actually Has: Business Owner (“business”)

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Madison is ready to receive the love she gives to so many others! While growing up, Madison took on the role of caretaker for her two younger sisters. So, when it comes to her love life, her little sisters are part of a package deal, and Madison wouldn't have it any other way! She hopes to meet an honest, empathetic, loyal man with a caring family. Madison has worked extremely hard to get to such a great place in life and says she is more than ready to find someone to share it with. She is serious about finding love on this journey, so Madison, let the journey begin.

Fun Facts:
• Madison was a Presidential Scholar in college.
• Madison dislikes ALL sauces.
• If Madison could have any superpower, it would be the power to pause time.

My Take: Look…her bio is actually pretty legit and makes her sound like a good person, but everyone who signs up for this show is objectively insane, so only time will tell

My Prediction: Fools everyone into thinking she’s a kind, gentle soul until the Top 4, where she sabotages the other three’s Fantasy Suites and nearly kills another contestant 

Mercedes

Age: 24
Hometown: Bloomfield, Iowa
Job I think She Has: Mercedes Dealer Showroom Model
Job She Actually Has: Non-Profit Case Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Mercedes is a fun-loving, bubbly woman ready to spread her wings! She has four jobs and works extremely hard to support herself, but she is ready to prioritize finding her perfect match. Mercedes is very close with her mother and will definitely be looking for her approval the next time she brings home a man! Mercedes has been in two serious relationships, but both ended because she knew those men weren't her person. While Mercedes loves a night out on the town in Nashville, she also enjoys staying in and cuddling with her dog. She says she's looking for a man who will make her laugh and is someone she can bring to family dinner on Sundays. Mercedes says her love language is giving and receiving gifts, so hopefully, Zach is ready to be showered with tokens of her love!

Fun Facts:
• Mercedes' hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair.
• Mercedes loves to drive around with the windows down, blasting country music.
• Mercedes would rather order in than cook.

My Take: Okay so no 24 year old can have two serious relationships, because you’re barely out of college, but whatever 

My Prediction: Gone Week 5 after declaring her love to Zach and begging him to to just propose to her and end the season early

Olivia L.

Age: 24
Hometown: Rochester, New York
Job I think She Has: Weekend Vegan
Job She Actually Has: Patient Care Technician 

Official Bachelorette Bio:

For Olivia L., basketball has always come easy. The one game she's yet to win is Oliva vs. True Love, and this baller is here to find her teammate for LIFE! While basketball was her first love, she's built a life outside of her sport, working full-time in healthcare, and has her dreams set on helping others as a physician assistant. Olivia has traveled to almost every state in the U.S. but still hasn't met her perfect match. She is looking forward to meeting Zach and is hoping to find a relationship that will stand the test of time.

Fun Facts:
• Watching "Grey's Anatomy" inspired Olivia's desire to work in the medical field.
• Olivia will yell at people who litter.
• Olivia comes from a family of jet-skiing enthusiasts.

My Take: Look, I get it—I was so obsessed with the X-Files as a kid that I heavily debated going into the FBI, but then I gained some common sense 

My Prediction: Booted during the Midseason Massacre

Olivia M.

Age: 25
Hometown: Cincinnati, Ohio
Job I think She Has: 4x American Idol Reject
Job She Actually Has: Stylist

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Born and raised in a small town with a loving family, Olivia M. is looking for the love of her life! She may be a city-slicker now, but Olivia will always be a small-town girl at heart. She studied fashion and has a passion for all things style and design. Zach, get your suit ready! When she's not working hard at her career, Olivia loves going to hot yoga, trying new restaurants and cuddling up on the couch to binge-watch TV. Olivia is hoping to meet a loyal, loving and driven man. Will Zach be her prince charming?

Fun Facts:
• Olivia's special talent is sounding like a dolphin.
• Olivia loves to read and has color-coded her bookshelf.
• Olivia loves carbs.

My Take: Oh my GOD she is so fucking ANNOYING

My Prediction: Top 5 or 6, who cares

Sonia

Age: 29
Hometown: Long Island, New York
Job I think She Has: Shot Slinger at Coyote Ugly
Job She Actually Has: Project Manager

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Sonia is the life of the party! This outgoing Long Island girl is ready to settle down and put her dating days behind her. After multiple serious relationships, Sonia knows she's ready for marriage and hopes Zach is her future husband! She says she's looking for a head-over-heels kind of love and truly believes her soul mate is out there. Sonia is extremely close with her family and hopes her future partner is as family-oriented as she is. And while she's a city girl, for now, Sonia is hoping to move to the suburbs one day with her man and raise three golden retrievers. Hopefully, Zach is ready to be a dog dad!

Fun Facts:
• Sonia has been bungee jumping. Twice.
• Sonia never says "no" to a game of truth or dare.
• Sonia is obsessed with Elvis.
• Sonia dreams of taking a trip to Arizona.

My Take: Bungee jumping?? TWICE?? My god, she must be the coolest woman alive!

My Prediction: Sends herself home in tears Week 7 after Zach gives her 30 straight minutes of 1:1 time but then has the AUDACITY to go speak to someone else 

Vanessa

Age: 23
Hometown: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Job I think She Has: Makeup Blogger with a specialty in differentiating between shades of burnt sienna
Job She Actually Has: Restaurant Marketer

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Vanessa is ready to say goodbye to the single life! She is so excited to meet Zach and hopes he's the loyal, charismatic man she's been looking for. Vanessa works in marketing and strives to be as successful as marketing genius Kris Jenner one day. We love a girl that dreams big! And while she's passionate about her work, Vanessa's priority right now is finding her life partner. She considers herself a top-notch foodie, so hopefully, Zach is hungry for good food and a good time! Will this be the end of Vanessa's search for love? Fingers crossed!

Fun Facts:
• Growing up, Vanessa played a lot of freeze tag.
• Vanessa LOVES cherries.
• Vanessa's dream duet partner is Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees.

My Take: I was just wondering if this bio was written by a child, and then realized she was 23

My Prediction: Goes missing during the Midseason Massacre and surfaces weeks later with a new line of burnt sienna blush called “Burned by the Bachelor Sienna”

Victoria J.

Age: 30
Hometown: Fort Worth, Texas
Job I think She Has: CW Teen Drama Stand-In
Job She Actually Has: Makeup Artist

Official Bachelorette Bio:

This Texas native is the full package! Ambitious and resilient, Victoria J. is ready to live life to the fullest! She is determined to take chances to finally find the true love she's been searching for. Her parents have been married for over 40 years, and Victoria has her heart set on finding a love like theirs. Victoria is looking for a mature man who will be there for her in good times and bad. She is looking forward to meeting Zach because she knows he's as ready for lifelong love as much as she is!

Fun Facts:
• Victoria has a degree in dance performance.
• Victoria doesn't understand the hype around Pete Davidson.
• Victoria's music taste is stuck in 2007. Emo-punk music for life!
• Victoria isn't made for the cold but says she looks super cute in a ski suit.

My Take: She’s looking for a mature man, so her first instinct is to go for a 25-year-old Bachelorette reject?

My Prediction: Sends herself packing after one conversation with Zach where she realizes he has the emotional depth and intelligence of a dead seagull 

Viktoria E.

Age: 29
Hometown: Vienna, Austria
Job I think She Has: LinkedIn User
Job She Actually Has: Nanny

Official Bachelorette Bio:

Viktoria E. is a beautiful, positive woman whose striking looks are only a small part of her story. She was born and raised in Austria but moved to the United States by herself in 2013. Viktoria currently lives in New York City, where she loves being the life of the party and is always up for a new adventure. She is a natural caregiver and is passionate about working with children, so she can't wait to have a family of her own! Viktoria enjoys listening to country music and dreams of visiting Hawaii one day. We can't wait to see if Zach is the loving match Viktoria is looking for!

Fun Facts:
• Viktoria doesn't eat blue tortilla chips.
• Viktoria lives for cheesy Christmas movies.
• Viktoria loves to listen to Norah Jones and paint.

My Take: WHY

My Prediction: Another who’ll bite the dust in the Midseason Massacre

And that’s it! See you Monday for the premiere! God help us all.