The Bachelor S24 E11: The Women Tell All
The good news is that we only have three episodes left this season. The bad news is that we still have three episodes left this season. Do I want to keep watching? No. Will I keep watching? Yes. Will I destroy my liver in the process? Also yes.
Tonight SHOULD be amazing—we open with a Rose Ceremony and narrow down to our Final 2, then jump into the Women’s Tell All. But this isn’t a normal season, and these aren’t normal people, and everything is terrible.
Let’s dive in.
The Rose Ceremony
We open with Peter crying to Zaddy Harrison about wanting to keep all three women around. Classic Peter! Terrified of having to be a big boy and properly reject a woman, terrified of losing validation, and terrified of having to make a decision. How could the guy have stayed single for so long??
Peter still has that fucking slab of rotten bacon on his head to hide his stitched-together skin. Madison arrives looking like she just ate a pound of that rotten bacon. Victoria says “Peter’s like…so different from the other guys I’ve been with,” mostly because he’s neither married nor married to one of her closest friends. Hannah Ann seems kind of high, but I know she’s not cool enough for that.
Peter waffles, panicking. How could he send any of these women home?? How could he send Madison home, when she just suddenly became dramatic and thus intriguing due to the whole not-gonna-bang-you-before-marriage challenge?? How could he send Hannah Ann home, when she’s young and impressionable and obsessed with him due to Stockholm syndrome?? How could he send VF home, when she’s an endless source of soul-sucking drama and gaslighting and insanity, and will totally bang his married friends??
In the end, he does what I expected him to do—he sends VF home. There’s no joy in this, despite me having waited approximately 500 million years for this very day. Peter may have booted an actual demon, but his final two are:
23 FUCKING YEARS OLD
Wildly immature and impressionable without any real dating experience or understanding
Roiling with religious guilt and shame and confusion
This is like Christmas morning for our fucked up leading man. I expected nothing less.
The Women Tell All
Let’s be blunt here: This fucking sucked. The Tell All should be the best episode of the season, but let me remind you again of the women of this season. I’d rather slam my fingers in a heavy door than interact with these women again. I’d rather climb into a hot oven than interact with these women again. And yet, ONCE AGAIN, here the fuck we are.
We kick things off with them all screaming like fucking banshees. Then, in rapid succession:
Kelsey sobs over #ChampagneGate YET THE FUCK AGAIN
Sydney and Alayah boringly battle YET THE FUCK AGAIN
Tammy’s dress looks like a bad backsplash from an episode of House Hunters
Victoria P—who’s a FUCKING DERMATOLOGIST—has the GALL to say she’s a nurse
Mykenna and her haunted eyebrows try to drop the mic by saying “Lemme just say this—come to Canada to learn how to treat people with kindness,” which is just the saddest, most Canadian thing I’ve ever heard
In the Hot Seat: Kelsey
Girl thinks this is her Bachelorette audition. It is not. She gets a big bottle of champagne as a consolation prize for being a complete and utter psychopath. I refuse to give her and her pure villainy any more time on this blog or in my head.
In the Hot Seat: Victoria F
Girl thinks this is her audition to be the next Tomi Lahren. It…actually is. She ties to gaslight Peter some more, but weirdly doesn’t bang anyone’s husband on camera. I refuse to give her and her sobbing any more time on this blog or in my head.
In the Hot Seat: Peter’s Roommates
Peter’s parents—oh sorry, his roommates—crash the party! These wild and crazy kids! Ladies, just look at what you missed out on! The chance to be part of this fucking psychotically overbearing and unhealthily attached foursome! What a shame!
There’s some kind of discussion about his parents fucking in the backseat of a car, but I disassociated for my own wellbeing.
In the Hot Seat: Peter’s Party Crashing
Peter crashes some viewing parties! There’s a baby dressed like a pilot! People are making windmill jokes! HI-LARIOUS!
In the Hot Seat: Harassment
Our queen and savior Rachel Lindsey comes on to talk about bullying, harassment, misogyny, and racism. Apparently a lot of the women this season (and god knows how many others—although I assume all) received a ton of horrific messages in their DMs. Tammy even says she got death threats sent to her work email. This is a serious fucking problem. We in Bachelor Nation like to give contestants a lot of shit in blogs and on Twitter (see: this blog) but there’s a VERY, VERY big difference between calling out shitty behavior and being a harassing, misogynistic, racist bully and bigot. This show spawns such utter bullshit—and it’s 2020 in America—so I’m very sadly not surprised. Be better, people.
Bloopers
Peter accidentally slammed Mykenna’s head, oops!
Peter fell, oops!
Victoria P waxes poetic about chickens and coyotes, oops!
And that’s it. THAT’S FUCKING IT. After this entire dumpster fire of a season, this is the Tell All we get.
UNTIL NEXT FUCKING WEEK.
