The Bachelor S24 E06: The Great Mid-Season Purge
There comes a time in every season where the herd must be thinned. Normally, it’s a combination of the smarter women self-eliminating and a slew of nameless, faceless blondes finally being sent packing by a lead who can’t tell them apart.
This season? Well, given that our lead is a trembling ball of anxiety and delusion and our contestants are a sea of sentient FitTea packets, we definitely get our slew of executions—but it doesn’t go down the way you’d think.
Let’s dive in.
After the Final Rose
We find ourselves back in Chile, where Tammy and Mykenna are still going at it. Has there ever been a worse feud? God help me, but I miss the Onyeka and Nicole feud on Colton’s season. That may have fried several of my brain cells, but at least those two had been absolutely insane from the start, and their eventual feud was vaguely understandable and at least included some solid yelling and name-calling. Tammy vs. Mykenna is more like unleashing a rabid ferret on a three-legged mouse—it’s an uneven fight, but it’s just so sad and so random that I can’t even muster up the enthusiasm to shrug.
What are they even fighting about, anyway? When did Tammy snap and become so fucking crazy? Why won’t Mykenna stop crying about literally anything? Why haven’t any of Mykenna’s friends told her that her eyebrows are WAY TOO FUCKING DARK FOR HER BLEACH BLOND HAIR? Honey, you need better friends. And a better stylist. And to get the fuck off this show immediately.
Most of the women have decided that Mykenna is a bitch for seizing her opportunity last episode to grab Peter during the Rose Ceremony, but honestly, I was impressed. Mykenna is such an utter bore, and that was the one time she actually showed an ounce of guts. Victoria F has the AUDACITY to say Mykenna didn’t show them respect by taking Peter aside, and honestly, I want to just put her in a trebuchet and shoot her into the sun. Victoria F, sweetie, you’re a racist homewrecker—shut the fuck up forever.
Anyway, we’re then given a scene of Peter to break the tension, where he walks into a new hotel, and…what is that, a Best Western? And he’s all “WOW THIS IS GLAM, HUH?!” There is no way in hell this man and his ridiculous parents aren’t originally from the Midwest. They had to have moved to LA when Peter was like, 25, because they are so Midwestern they’re literally caricatures.
I Want to Know What Love Is
The first date card of the episode arrives, and it’s a 1:1 for Hannah Ann! Natasha complains about this, and how she hasn’t had a 1:1 yet, and how Hannah Ann is so young, and like, girl I get it—Hannah Ann is 23 and isn’t remotely ready for marriage. But you’re 31 and trying to get with a 28 year old that still lives with his parents, can't distinguish love from lust, and thinks all relationships are fairytales or they're not rea,l so.
Hannah Ann and Peter skip out into the warm Chilean air, dancing wildly to drummers while a disapproving crowd looks on. Can you imagine what people in other countries must think about this show, and about the U.S.?
“Fuck your culture!” (ABC)
Having worked up an appetite from all that drunken puppet-style dancing, our intrepid duo hit up a roadside stand in search of sustenance. Peter shoves a hot dog into Hannah Ann’s mouth, and Jesus, buddy, just jerk it next time—there’s no need to get so sexually worked up when you spend half of your shooting time solo.
They then bump into a totally not-staged older couple who, like every single totally not-staged older couple that our kids meet in every single international destination, ask them if they’re dating and for how long. Then the woman promptly asks if Hannah Ann is, like, 12. You can see realization suddenly flash through Peter’s eyes, as he looks down at the “I was a college student 2 days ago” woman by his side. In the long run, 5 years isn’t that much of an age difference (especially when the guy is older, because men mature 82376273 years after women do) but at 28 and 23? Hoooooo boy.
Peter then (rather desperately) asks Hannah Ann about her past loves, and she admits she’s never been in love before. This isn’t surprising, given that she had her bat mitzvah 3 years ago, but Peter is starting to panic. You’d think this is solely because he’s finally fucking realized she’s way too young for him, but that’s only part of it—the other, conflicting parts are that 1) Peter thinks you have to have had deep love before you get married, because Peter has no understanding of what it actually takes to get married, and 2) Peter will find literally any reason to sabotage himself. Sir Hannah B, ladies and gentlemen.
When they meet up later for the fake dinner date portion, Hannah Ann is once again wearing a wedding-esque dress, and I really love that she does this whenever she can. Peter is still panicking, but he’s so torn, because while she might be young and naive and not ready for love, she’s like, so hot. He walks off, Hannah Ann cries, then she goes to find him to tell him she’s falling in love with him, and because she’s still crying, Peter thinks this means she does loves him, so they make out and she gets the immunity rose.
Telemundo, Eat Your Heart Out
The next date card arrives, which leads us to perhaps the greatest Group Date of all time—a telenovela-style date! Up on this adventure are UnSouthern Belle Sydney, Meth Eyes Natasha, fucking Kelsey, Victoria “We Only Went to Vegas!” P, Why Did I Agree to Come On This Show Kelley, and Sob Fest Mykenna. Mykenna cries about not getting the 1:1, and I had to momentarily shut my TV off so I wouldn’t punch a hole through it.
Peter joins them and sits them down for a little Real Talk (TM). He tells them that he doesn’t want any more drama, because it’s causing serious damage to all of them, but they’re going to do a telenovela date and you’re going to get to fight the person you hate the most, and also, here’s a knife prop that one of you can have.
Guys, it. is. WILD. This date is just incredible.
First of all, this date is so wildly misogynistic it just kills me. We have Sydney dressed as a sexy nurse, we have Myenna dressed up as a sexy maid, we have Hannah Ann dressed up as a sexy child (?), we have Kelley dressed up like Peter’s grandma calling herself a GILF, and we have all of the women in scantily clad outfits clamoring over themselves to make out with Peter on camera.
This fucking show (ABC)
Second of all, we have the women butchering the Spanish language and using horrifically terrible and insulting Spanish accents as they try desperately to appear both cultured and sexy to Peter.
Third of all, Pete is dressed up like a fucking pilot, because, if you didn’t know, PETER IS A FUCKING PILOT.
Anyway, Mykenna finally kisses Peter, and you can tell he is 0.0000% into it. That, at least, is satisfying.
Once they wrap up filming on that particular nightmare, our gaggle is off to the cocktail reception. First up for some 1:1 time is Kelsey, which is infuriating per usual. She’s a fucking disaster, but Peter is so stunted, confused, naive, and desperate for validation that he eats it all up, even though you can tell part of him clearly knows how fucking crazy Kelsey is.
Next up for some 1:1 time is Victoria P, and…rather shockingly, Peter comes right out and tells her she’s not as confident in her as she is in him, and sends her packing. Now, I liked Victoria P at first until I realized she was completely full of shit and lying about everything, so it’s been tricky trying to navigate her since then. Was she working with Alayah to create drama? Were they working with the Producers to create even more drama? Is she actually a manipulative liar? Will we ever really know?
Anyway, despite all of that nonsense, Victoria P was still more mature and more confident than the other women, so clearly she’s got to go. Peter ain’t got no time for that, baby.
“Peter, you ignorant slut” (ABC)
“Thank you for this opportunity,” he tells her, desperately trailing behind her despite her telling Peter not to walk her out. “I know you’ll make someone that’s not me very happy someday.”
Not caring in the slightest that he just sent someone packing, Peter runs off for some 1:1 time with Madison. Much to his chagrin, their makeout session is interrupted by loud yelling from the cocktail soiree.
Turns out Tammy vs. Mykenna Round 7623 is kicking off, and you can see Peter just slump in desperation. I don’t even know what they’re fighting about, which is fitting, given that neither they nor the rest of the contestants know why they’re fighting either. Mykenna says the word “crap” like she’s dropping a See Ya Next Tuesday, and frankly, it’s fucking hilarious. Kelsey pretends she’s Mykenna’s mom and hi-lariously talks about Tammy not being here for the right reason. I mean, she’s right, but Kelsey isn’t here for even remotely the right reason, so.
At the end of the night, Madison gets the Group Date Rose, Mykenna keeps crying, and Peter loses another enormous chunk of self-worth.
Just Horsin’ Around
Up on the second 1:1 Date of the episode is…Victoria F? What the actual fuck?
Okay, so you KNOW this was planned by the Producers, because Peter looks like he’s about to get eaten alive as he prepares for this date. Which is likely, because I assume Victoria F eats the head off her partners when copulating.
Peter claims she’s getting another 1:1 because of the whole Chase Rice fiasco ruining their last date. Victoria F literally couldn’t give a flying fuck as to why she’s getting the second date, all she cares about is using this date to manipulate Peter and the viewers into thinking she’s anything other than an aggressive, manipulative, horribly racist homewrecker.
They go hang out with some horses, and one of the handlers makes them crawl underneath a horse. First of all, fucking why, second of all, fucking why, and third of all, how can the Producers get insurance on this?
This is what their facial expressions ALWAYS look like when they’re together (ABC)
“The horse trusts me!” Victoria F squeals, once she makes it under the horse without getting kicked right in the fucking face. The camera pans to the horse, and you can tell immediately that the only reason it didn’t kick her was because it didn’t want to get sent to the glue factory.
Anyway, right after that Peter and Victoria F end up fighting. Because Victoria F’s go-to move is to manipulate Peter into somehow apologizing to her and validating her over literally absolutely nothing. She wants to gaslight Peter into submission, and it’s working. She up and walks away from him in the middle of it, crying crocodile tears, and Peter is such a fucking fool that he chases after her. Peter thinks this kind of drama = real feelings and real love, because he is a stunted 28-year-old man-baby that still lives at home, so HERE WE FUCKING ARE.
At the end of the day, Victoria F—of fucking course—gets an immunity rose, and this horror is allowed to continue for at least another episode.
But Wait, There’s More!
We’re on our SECOND FUCKING EPISODE of this stupid fucking show of the week, so of course the stakes are high—which means it’s time for Peter to send a surprise Date Card to the ladies. Turns out, there’s a surprise 2-on-1 Date for Tammy and Mykenna!
Has there ever been a worse 2-on-1 Date Duo? Bring back Jordan and Chicken David, for the love of god!
Please, just let the pain end (ABC)
This date isn’t so much a date as a frustrated therapy session hosted by Peter. The women each get their say and whine a lot to Peter, but he seems entirely unenthusiastic about either of them. Mykenna mostly just cries a lot. Tammy says Mykenna “has blond hair” and is “from Canada” which is…accurate? Peter has more chemistry with the random tapestries on the wall behind them, and we can all fucking tell.
Finally, exhausted by everything, he tells Mykenna he trusts her, and sends Tammy packing. Tammy—who’d just spent 15 hours smirking to the cameras telling them how Peter is going to pick her because she’s so much more mature and so much better than Mykenna—quickly shifts gears and decides Peter is an utter idiot. Tammy, sweetheart, Peter has always been an idiot. Be quiet and go home now.
The Rose Ceremony
Fucking FINALLY, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Already safe are Fetus Hannah Ann, ‘00s Club Queen Madison, and Racist Homewrecker Victoria F. Joining them to make our Final 6 are:
Fucking Kelsey
Meth Eyes Natasha
Why Did I Agree to Be On This Show Kelley
Whoa! Meaning we not only say goodbye to UnSouthern Belle Sydney (fucking finally) but also to Sob Fest Mykenna…15 seconds after Peter told her he trusted her and was keeping her around. For the very first time this season, I can honestly say I love something that happened.
Until next week!
