Oh, Peter. Our third-runner-up from Hannah’s season is best known for squirreling condoms away in his car so that America realizes he Has The Sex (TM), yodeling so terribly and so loudly with his parents that my dog needed a week to recover, and banging our train wreck of a bachelorette in a windmill in Greece. 

The man is a curious mix of absolute nothing and quietly sinister bullshit—despite appearing as a glass of diluted coconut water for the entirety of his season, off-screen we discovered that he ghosted his girlfriend to go on The Bachelorette, but was able to slide under the radar on that one because Jed was so much glaringly worse with his similar transgressions. It’s like a diet version of bastard, and honestly, ladies, we’re so 3008 and this behavior is so 2000 and late. 

Rather than starting fresh with a new Bachelor that could at least attempt to retcon our minds and make us forget that the past few seasons of this franchise have been festering open wounds of terror, the Producers decided to pick yet another dumb fuck ghost of Bachelorverse past, hoping that we were either too stupid or too masochistic to either notice or care. 

The latter, unfortunately, speaks to me. I often ask myself why I still watch this mind-melting nonsense. My therapist seems to think I have masochistic tendencies, where I believe love and joy are supposed to be intrinsically interwoven with pain and misery, and I’m starting to think I agree. What else would explain why I loathe this franchise so much, and yet watch each episode with bated breath? Why does this show make me punch holes in my drywall like an angry frat boy hopped up on Four Lokos, yet then rush to my laptop to feverishly bash out a recap?

As I begin a new season, I can’t help but wonder—is this show irreparably damaging me, or do I love this show because I’m already irreparably damaged?

Anyway, let’s take a look at this season by the numbers:

• 5: Contestants from Texas

• 5: Contestants from Chicago

• 2: Contestants from Knoxville, TN

• 4: Contestants that are/were Pageant Queens

• 3: Contestants that are Flight Attendants

• 6: Contestants that mention Drinking in their Bios

• 2: Contestants that are 22 years old

• 7: Contestants that are 23 years old

• 1: Contestant that’s a Mormon Divorcee 

• 2: Contestants that are “Models”

• 1: Contestant that’s a “Pro Sports Dancer”

• 1: Contestant with a Long-Lost Sister 

We also have a compilation of the most hilariously painful Gen Z names I’ve ever seen. Avonleah? Payton? Kylie? Mykenna? What the fuck, Gen X? I thought you guys were the only ones with an iota of common fucking sense these days. Jesus, is nothing safe?

Don’t answer that. Instead, let’s dive into this fucking nonsense, and hire a priest to bless us before the season premiere on January 6. 

Alayah

Age: 24
Hometown: San Antonio, TX

Job I Think She Has: Instagram “Influencer” who adds #blessed to posts about green smoothies and that time she got a few free passes to the subsequently cancelled Woodstock 50
Job She Actually Has: Orthodontist Assistant

Official Bachelorette Biography: Alayah may be best known as Miss Texas 2019, but this pageant queen has way more going on than just a beautiful smile. Before taking the crown in 2019, Alayah had entered and competed in the Miss Texas pageant three times; fourth time is the charm for this queen! When she's not traveling the state and making appearances as Miss Texas, Alayah enjoys hanging out with her gals on the San Antonio River Walk, drinking wine and giving back to her community. She is looking for a man who has strong goals for the future and won't hold her back when she wants to pursue passions of her own. Alayah is also ready for a family and hoping that Peter is on the same page. However, will this pageant girl be on good terms with the other ladies or will familiar faces from her past resurface?

• Alayah studied English in college and in her spare time, she loves to write poetry.

• Alayah's favorite social media platform is Reddit.

• Alayah's spirit animal is the Texas Longhorn.

Look, I want to like her. I do. English major, poetry writer, Reddit reader—those are a few of my favorite things. But like a dog bite, like a bee sting, everything else about this bio makes me so fucking sad. 

My Prediction: She’s once, twice, three times a loser already—and more Pageant Queen Drama (TM) is mentioned right there in her bio—so she’ll go home in the Mid-Season Pageant Queen 4-on-1 Date Bloodbath (TM) with Kelsey, Maurissa (yes, “Maurissa”), and Victoria P.

Avonlea

Age: 27
Hometown: Fort Worth, TX

Job I Think She Has: Serial Killer 
Job She Actually Has: Cattle Rancher

Official Bachelorette Biography: Avonlea is looking for a gentleman who knows how to take care of a Texas woman. She may be a city-slicker now, but she lived on a ranch until she was 13, and up until that point in her life, she assumed everyone had cattle in their homes. With her degree in ranch management, this Texas beauty has quite a diverse lifestyle. When Avonlea's not working hard in the family cattle ranching business, she's strutting her stuff on the runway for local Texas designers. "There are days when I'm baling hay in the morning and going and doing a runway show at night." You could definitely say Avonlea lives the best of both worlds. Avonlea's ideal husband knows what he wants and goes for it! She wants someone who values family above all and believes in romantic signs from above. Speaking of signs, Avonlea's parents first met when her mom was a flight attendant. Sound familiar?

• Avonlea is a certified scuba diver and has traveled to almost all 50 states in an RV.

• Every time Avonlea milks one of her cows, she thanks it for its hard work.

• Avonlea enjoys playing the guitar and snuggling up by the fire to listen to a good audiobook.

If I had to grant an award for Most Punchable Face of the season, it would definitely be to Avonlea. I also want to make an Anne of Green Gables joke with this fucking name, but 1) All of the contestants are several decades too young to get it, and 2) I’m convinced Avonlea can’t read anyway, so here we are.

(Also, the interns listed “Avonlea” on the site before “Alexa” because they don’t understand alphabetical fucking order. They also made numerous typos, all of which I’ve kept intact for posterity.)

My Prediction: Gets sent home during Hometowns after banging Peter in a silo and thanking him for his hard work while milking him.

Alexa

Age: 27
Hometown: Chicago, IL

Job I Think She Has: Blogger focusing on the latest scented candle trends
Job She Actually Has: Esthetician 

Official Bachelorette Biography: Alexa may look like a total city girl, but she grew up hunting on a farm in Springfield, Illinois with her mom, dad and brother. Six years ago, Alexa made a big a change. She had just broken up with her high school sweetheart of seven years and was finally ready to live the city life. Since moving to Chicago, she got her esthetician license and opened her own waxing salon. Alexa is a total free spirit and has a lot of hippie in her. She's all about love and acceptance, but at the same time, this girl has opinions and isn't afraid to express them. She prides herself on being the type of person to call people out to their face rather than behind their back. The main thing Alexa wants in a husband is chemistry, both physical and emotional. She admits that sometimes she has trouble being vulnerable, but we have a feeling Peter will be able to break down those walls.

• Alexa loves amusement parks but hates roller coasters.

• Alexa decided to move to Chicago during a game of heads or tails.

• When Alexa isn't hitting the dance floors at local clubs, she's at home prepping for her next book club meeting.

Total free spirit? Has a “lot of hippie” in her? Has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them? The type to call people out to their face? Oh, she’s going to be SUCH a bitch. I can’t wait.

My Prediction: Ends up being the season’s Villain (she’ll spout absurd free-love hippie bullshit before every cutting insult) and gets booted right before Hometowns, much to the glee of the remaining contestants. 

Courtney

Age: 26
Hometown: Venice, FL

Job I Think She Has: Speech writer for her father’s Mega Church
Job She Actually Has: Cosmetologist  

Official Bachelorette Biography: Courtney is a Florida girl through and through. She enjoys going boating with friends, tanning at the beach and going out for drinks. She has been in two serious relationships and is done wasting her time with boys. Courtney's ready for a man. She is looking forward to settling down with the right guy: "I am genuinely looking to get married because I believe everyone has a soul mate out there in the world and I, unfortunately, have yet to find mine." Her ideal man should be tall and athletic, have a bright smile and be able to make her laugh. Will this hopeless romantic be able to find her soul mate in Peter, or will she fall flat on finding her Forever?

• Courtney is extremely claustrophobic.

• Nothing makes Courtney happier than drinking a nice glass of wine while taking in a gorgeous view.

• Courtney's biggest turn on is a man in cowboy boots.

Could she be anymore Florida? Jesus, the woman is like a walking tourism campaign. The most interesting things about her are literally that she likes to boat, tan, and drink? Is she a sentient FSU?

My Prediction: Wins the fucking season.

Deandra

Age: 23
Hometown: Plano, TX

Job I Think She Has: Hostess at Buffalo Wild Wings
Job She Actually Has: Home Care Coordinator

Official Bachelorette Biography: Deandra is an independent, intelligent woman who comes from a diverse background and isn't afraid to be herself. She was born in Texas, but grew up in Maine and spent a lot of time in Nigeria where her father was born. She's now moved back to Texas and loves to spend her free time bar hopping and trying out new restaurants. One thing Deandra has going for her is that since she grew up with 10 siblings, she knows how to stand out in a crowded room. Her favorite feeling in the world is being the center of attention and, according to her mom, she thrives in the spotlight. Deandra has been in one serious relationship in her life and is ready to find her forever. She's looking for someone to be as loyal to her as she would be to them and wants a man who will kill a spider for her as she runs away screaming. Deandra also says that any man she commits to must be willing to spend the holidays with her family, as that time of year is non-negotiable. They go all out and will have an extra seat at the table this year in case Deandra comes home hand in hand with Peter!

• Deandra considers herself to be a farmer's market aficionado.

• Deandra hates EDM.

• Deandra still cries when she gets her blood drawn.

Passing over the fact that she’s 23 years old (TWENTY-THREE) and literally has no business whatsoever being on this show, the simple fact that she can manage 10 siblings (TEN SIBLINGS) means she’s immediately 500x braver, bolder, and badder than Peter could ever hope to. be. 

My Prediction: Intelligent? Independent? Cultured? Caring job? Can manage a fucking crowd of siblings? A minority? Girl’s gonna be booted the first night—Peter don’t have no time for depth or diversity.

Eunice

Age: 23
Hometown: Chicago, IL

Job I Think She Has: Freelance Social Media Observer 
Job She Actually Has: Flight Attendant

Official Bachelorette Biography: Eunice is a reformed party girl who is ready to get serious about settling down. She's left her sorority party days behind her and now spends her days flying the friendly skies as a flight attendant. Eunice is on the lookout for a quality man with a good heart. In the past, Eunice says she has never dated a guy who put her first and has made poor decisions when it comes to relationships. Her family has never met any of her boyfriends because they wouldn't have approved of the bad boys she dated, but she looks at that as a positive thing. She's coming into this experience with a clean slate, and we have a feeling if Eunice gets the chance to bring Peter home, it will be smooth skies from here on out.

• Eunice's favorite holiday is Christmas because she loves Christmas music.

• Eunice's favorite country to visit is Greece, and she can knock back ouzo like it's water.

• Eunice's signature dance move is the ponytail helicopter.

Yeah, she left her sorority days behind her—YESTERDAY, when she fucking graduated from college. This literal child is in no way ready to settle down. Luckily for her, neither is Peter, so at least they’ll enjoy a lot of pawing at each other for a few episodes before he sends her packing. 

My Prediction: Sent dramatically home while overseas after chugging 15 Long Island Iced Teas and getting alcohol poisoning.

Hannah Ann

Age: 23
Hometown: Knoxville, TN

Job I Think She Has: An American Girl Doll that was cursed and brought to life 
Job She Actually Has: Model

Official Bachelorette Biography: Hannah Ann was born in Knoxville, Tennessee, and grew up there with her younger sister and younger brother. Her parents are not only her role models, they are also her landlords, as she still lives at home. Hannah Ann is a talented painter and loves to dabble in interior decorating when she's not slaying it in front of the camera as a model. She travels the world for work and would love to find man to join her on the adventure. She has a cute southern twang which, we know, Peter is a sucker for. Hannah Ann describes her last relationship as all chemistry but little friendship. Now, Hannah Ann is ready to find a man who she can be best friends with while keeping the steamy romance alive. We have a feeling this won't be a problem for Pilot Pete.

• Hannah Ann could watch home improvement shows all day and never get bored.

• When Hannah Ann is nervous, she becomes very talkative.

• Hannah Ann's home is decorated with artwork that she painted.

Of course Hannah Ann lives at home, because Hannah Ann is a fucking child. And I refuse to believe she “slays” anything, especially since Knoxville’s modeling scene consists of JCPenny circular spreads and anti-meth campaigns. 

My Prediction: Despite trying to be the next Demi, Hannah Ann has none of the depth, and is sent home mid-season after the other women force Peter to dump her due to her wild ageism and staggering lack of maturity. 

Jade

Age: 26
Hometown: Mesa, AZ

Job I Think She Has: PR Coordinator for a CBD-infused organic soda line
Job She Actually Has: Flight Attendant

Official Bachelorette Biography: Jade is here for a fresh start! She grew up in the Mormon culture where she says there was a lot of pressure to get married and, unfortunately for Jade, that's what she did. At 22 years of age, she knew right away that she and her ex were not compatible for the long haul. Now that Jade's divorce is finalized, she has a new outlook on love and knows exactly what she is looking for. She spends her time working as a flight attendant and is currently working towards getting her private pilot's license. When's she's not on the job, she loves to go line dancing and considers herself to be a two-step queen! Are her and Peter too similar? Or will these two hit it off immediately and line dance straight into each other's hearts?

• Jade claims that she hosts the best game night in town.

• Even though she is a flight attendant, Jade is VERY afraid of heights.

• If Jade has to assign an aesthetic to her life, it would be "organized chaos."

I imagine her “game nights” consist of Bingo, Chutes and Ladders, and Apples to Apples with the ‘racy’ cards removed.

My Prediction: Final 4, but freaks out over the Fantasy Suites and self-ejects. 

Jasmine

Age: 23
Hometown: Houston, TX

Job I Think She Has: Calls herself a “Mixologist” but is really a barback at Red Lobster
Job She Actually Has: Client Relations Manager

Official Bachelorette Biography: Jasmine is not here to mess around. She has been in one serious relationship that lasted for three years, but when her ex suddenly decided that he did not want to have kids, Jasmine sent him packing because that's a deal breaker for her. She enjoys traveling, attending her book club meetings, cooking, rock climbing and volunteering at her church every Sunday. She would like to travel the world before she starts a family and specifically would like to go back to Vietnam where her family is from. Jasmine speaks Vietnamese fluently and loves the Vietnamese traditions her family has incorporated into their lives. Jasmine is looking for loyalty, integrity and honesty in her next relationship. Additionally, she will consider proposing herself if she finds a man who can get her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday. She is excited for the chance to fall in love again and can't wait for her Bachelor journey to begin!

• Jasmine's biggest turn off is a guy who sits on the couch all day and plays video games.

• Jasmine will know that she's met the man of her dreams when he can help her build a table.

• Jasmine's best friend is her golden retriever, Gnarles Barkley.

Ah, a 23 year old that isn’t here to MESS. AROUND. Big points for Gnarles Barkley. Triple the anti-points for her support of the LGBTQ-hating Chick-Fil-A. Honestly, people, there are a million fucking fast food chicken places that don’t pour money into hate. 

My Prediction: Makes it to Hometowns, but booted right after telling Peter she needs three kids, like, yesterday. 

Jenna

Age: 22
Hometown: New Lenox, IL

Job I Think She Has: Housewife with 4 Kids
Job She Actually Has: Nursing Student

Official Bachelorette Biography: Jenna is a fun, down to earth, Midwestern girl. She's looking for a man to grow old with who can keep life exciting. She wants someone who is kind and nurturing, but also spontaneous and adventurous. After a life-changing trip to Africa for a medical mission, Jenna realized that she needed to start doing activities to make herself happy and not be such a pushover. When she's not working her tail off to get her nursing degree, she loves to go take the Chicago nightlife by storm where she can often be found leading her trivia team to victory and shooting darts. Jenna's biggest fear in this whole process is being sent home before getting a chance to show Peter all that she has to offer, but we don't think she has any reason to be worried.

• Jenna is a passionate foodie who would do anything to eat pasta with Chrissy Teigen one day.

• Jenna has a pet goldfish named George, and she says that George gives great advice.

• When Jenna is not bowling strikes at the local alley, she's at home knitting.

SHE’S 22 FUCKING YEARS OLD. 22. FUCKING. YEARS. OLD. SHE HAS NO BUSINESS GETTING MARRIED.

My Prediction: I don’t even fucking care. 

Kiarra

Age: 23
Hometown: Kennesaw, GA

Job I Think She Has: Bright-eyed political intern who has 2 months left until she realizes the world is utterly, utterly doomed
Job She Actually Has: Nanny

Official Bachelorette Biography: Kiarra is a social butterfly that is ready to spread her wings! While she's very close to her mother and will definitely be looking for her approval the next time she brings home a man, Kiarra says she is ready to venture on her own and start her own family. She's been in two serious relationships, but both ended because of trust issues. She hates sports but enjoys shopping, fashion, style and anything involving social media. She also LOVES talking and says her greatest skill is that she can literally talk to a brick wall about anything and everything. Kiarra says her ideal mate is someone who makes her laugh but can also be serious. She's looking for "someone who is willing to find my car keys when I lose them once a week." Hopefully, the Bachelor will show up with his metal detector.

• Kiarra's biggest fear is being trapped on the top of a roller coaster.

• Kiarra is extremely turned off by men who grind their teeth.

• Kiarra says she will pick napping over almost any other activity.

NO 23 YEAR OLD HAS ALREADY BEEN IN 2 SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. IT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. YOUR BRAIN IS STILL DEVELOPING AT 23 YEARS OLD. YOUR GREATEST LOVE IS TALKING AND SHOPPING. I DON’T THINK SHE’S THE NANNY, I THINK SHE HAS A NANNY.

GET READY FOR A SEASON OF ALL CAPS, PEOPLE.

(As you’ve noticed, the intens also think “Kiarra” comes before “Katrina” in alphabetical order.)

My Prediction: Sent home Episode 5 after she spends the entire episode sobbing in the confessional about Peter being her serious boyfriend.

Katrina

Age: 28
Hometown: Chicago, IL

Job I Think She Has: Yoga Instructor on YouTube
Job She Actually Has: Pro Sports Dancer

Official Bachelorette Biography: Marriage is a big topic at the family dinner table. Katrina's parents are high school sweethearts that have been together for 40 years. Her younger brother is marrying his high school sweetheart next April, and her younger sister will probably get engaged soon to her serious boyfriend. Katrina's the last one left and, according to her mom, Katrina needs to settle down soon because "her biological clock is ticking." Katrina describes herself as the life of the party and prides herself on her ability to make everyone feel welcomed. Katrina loves to take over the dance floor and hopes to one day be a college dance coach. The most serious relationship Katrina currently has is with her hairless cat, Jasmine. Jasmine (named after her favorite Disney princess, of course) and Katrina literally do everything together, from birthday parties to shopping to watching TV on the couch. They are definitely a packaged duo, but there's room for one more on their magic carpet ride.

• Last Halloween, Katrina dressed up as her hairless cat, Jasmine, and Jasmine dressed up as her.

• On the weekends, Katrina loves to stay up late and eat junk food.

• Katrina's biggest pet peeve is not being in control.

What the FUCK is a “Pro Sports Dancer” pray tell. That sounds like me trying to explain sports to literally anyone—“Yeah, you know, they get the…puck in the…shooty hoop…and get the points. Yeah, you could say I’m a diehard fan of those guys.” Is she a dancer for a basketball team? A cheerleader for a football team? A towel-cannon shooter for the local kickball league? My money’s on the latter.

My Prediction: She’s 28 and wants kids immediately—there’s literally no way Peter can handle someone his own age, who’s definitely more mature than he is (because even the shit my dog took this morning is more mature than he is), and someone who will actually put a timeline in place for him to commit. She’ll be gone by Episode 3. Next!

Kelley

Age: 27
Hometown: Chicago, IL

Job I Think She Has: Tells everyone she makes all her money as a home design blogger, but actually works as a bank teller for a local credit union 
Job She Actually Has: Attorney

Official Bachelorette Biography: Kelley is a modern woman who doesn't need a man to take care of her. She has incredibly high standards and is looking for a man to push her forward instead of holding her back. Her most recent relationship was an international long-distance affair where she was traveling to Jordan once or twice a month, but finally got to the point where she couldn't see herself moving to the Middle East. Now that Kelley is single, she is focused on her career as an attorney. Kelley comes from generations of lawyers and currently works in her dad's law firm. It's going to take a lot more than a handsome face and solid resume though to impress Kelley because this lawyer won't settle for anything less than she deserves. No objections here!

• Kelley is allergic to gluten, dairy and black tea.

• Nothing makes Kelley angrier than when people don't listen to her.

• Kelley loves to travel and has been to 26 countries.

Kelley was definitely on the shortlist for 90 Day Fiancé, but when that fell through, she fell back on The Bachelor. 

My Prediction: Pretends she’s so mature, given her “advanced” age and occupation, but is actually an immature brat that picks endless fights and subsequently gets booted Episode 4. 

Kelsey

Age: 28
Hometown: Des Moines, IA

Job I Think She Has: Busy Phillips’ Stunt Double 
Job She Actually Has: Professional Clothier

Official Bachelorette Biography: Kelsey was born and raised in Iowa with her fraternal twin sister and younger sister. She enjoys exercising, cooking, traveling and competed at Miss USA after being crowned Miss Iowa in 2017. Coming from the pageant world, Kelsey is an old pro at competing with other women, but don't get it twisted, she's not looking for drama. Kelsey has had her share of relationship issues in the past, but thanks to frequent Pilates classes, she's in peak physical and spiritual form! She's hoping to find a partner to travel the world, experience new cultures and enjoy a good glass of red wine with. At 28, she has presumably lived more life than many of the other girls and knows what she wants: Peter Weber.

• Kelsey says she is like an onion; she has many layers.

• If you want to give Kelsey a gift, don't get her flowers. Get her chocolate!

• Kelsey described her personality as feisty and stubborn.

Oh look, another pageant queen who has a pretend job and describes herself as “feisty and stubborn.” Shocking.

Also—what the FUCK is a clothier?

My Prediction: Top 3 because she’s vapid, blond, and Peter needs to pretend like he’s even vaguely interested in someone above the age of 22. 

Kylie

Age: 26
Hometown: Santa Monica, CA

Job I Think She Has: One of an army of Kylies used by Kylie Jenner to hawk her shitty makeup on Instagram 
Job She Actually Has: Entertainment Sales Associate

Official Bachelorette Biography: Kylie is looking for that rom-com kind of love! She grew up in Northern California Wine Country, but recently relocated to Santa Monica to be close to the beach. Though she has left home, Kylie won't commit to a man until her family approves. That may be a good thing because Kylie has not had the best luck in the dating world. Her last and only relationship ended three years ago after her long-term boyfriend turned out to be a big cheater. She's been single ever since and says that the last time a guy tried to kiss her, she turned away and blamed it on not wanting to ruin her make up. It is very important that her family approves whomever she brings home next, and apparently, her mom really hopes it's Peter! Kylie is a planner, and in five years' time, she is hoping to be already married with a child (or one on the way) and living in a home in southern California. Westlake Village is basically Los Angeles, so could this all be destiny?

• Flakey and pessimistic people make Kylie mad.

• Kylie's dream vacation would be to go on safari in Africa.

• Kylie grew up playing softball and is a batting cage queen.

26 and literally cannot make a decision about, or move forward with, a man until her fucking family weighs in? Well, you know what, this just might work—she and Peter can yodel with his parents, cuddle with her parents, and watch both sets of parents gleefully, happily sob when Zaddy Chris Harison describes how they fucked in the Fantasy Suites. 

My Prediction: In a shocking twist, is the Runner Up instead of the Winner

Lauren

Age: 26
Hometown: Santa Monica, CA

Job I Think She Has: Wedding photographer, but only takes pictures on her iPhone as while attending friends’ wedding as a guest
Job She Actually Has: Marketing Executive 

Official Bachelorette Biography: Lauren is a boss woman looking to add balance to her life. She works as a marketing executive for a beauty company and also manages her own fashion blog. Now that she feels her career is in a good spot, she seems to have everything in place except for a man, but not just any man will do. She says her father and grandfather have been great examples of what husbands should be to a woman, and Lauren expects nothing less of her partner. Lauren is hoping to find a man who will open the car door for her and will hold her hand on the way to Sunday church. She also wants a man who will support her career ambitions and not hold her back. While competitive dance has been her favorite sport, she's always open to a good game of tonsil hockey. Suit up, Peter!

• Lauren says she has exit interviews with all of her exes to figure out what went wrong.

• Lauren has traveled all over the world, but has yet to go the one place on her bucket list: Texas.

• During Lauren's one season as a Laker Girl, she was so inspired by Kobe's passion for things outside of basketball that she left the team to pursue her other dreams.

1) No one—and I mean NO ONE—that calls themselves a “boss woman” is actually a boss woman. Not a single one of them.

2) I found her on LinkedIn and she’s a Marketing Manager. She is NOT A FUCKING MARKETING EXECUTIVE. 

3) She’s traveled the world but her bucket list destination is TEXAS? TEXAS??

My Prediction: Has a meltdown the first night because she’s a “boss woman” but Peter’s ignoring her, and is booted after he forgets her name. 

Lexi

Age: 26
Hometown: New York, NY

Job I Think She Has: Full-Time Red Sonja Cosplayer 
Job She Actually Has: Marketing Coordinator

Official Bachelorette Biography: Lexi is a smart, independent and fun woman who is ready to find the future father of her children. She grew up in Jacksonville, Florida and is one of six siblings. Lexi went to Florida State University and left college with a very serious boyfriend, but after moving to New York City, he ended things so they could both pursue their own careers and passions. Lexi stayed in New York City and has since been doing well as a marketing coordinator for a real estate company. She has been on a number of bad and mediocre dates around New York and can't seem to find the right guy. Lexi believes that dating as a redhead is hard, but she's hopeful that Peter will like to spice things up the way only a ginger girl can!

• Lexi would rather be buried alive than be trapped in a room filled with frogs.

• Lexi loves her home in Florida, but has too much sass for the suburb life.

• Nothing turns Lexi off more than people who are desperate.

Dating as a redhead is not hard. Dating as an unlikeable attention-seeker with dreams of going on The Bachelor is what makes dating hard. 

My Prediction: Sent blandly home midseason without an ounce of fanfare. 

Madison

Age: 26
Hometown: Auburn, AL

Job I Think She Has: Escort
Job She Actually Has: Foster Parent Recruiter  

Official Bachelorette Biography: She shoots! SHE SCORES! That is something Madison is used to hearing. This Alabama cutie not only helped lead her high school basketball team to four state championships, she was also once named state MVP thanks to her unstoppable jump shot. She credits a lot of her success to her dad who coached her and always encouraged her to dream big. While basketball has always been her first love, she knows that it can't give her everything she needs, and at 23, Madison is more than ready to find her forever. She's looking for a man who will prioritize faith and family before everything else. She is hoping to find someone who shares the same religious values that she and her family have. He also MUST want children and know how to have fun. Her dream is to travel the world and spread love through missionary work. Madison has high expectations, but she's hopeful that one day, she'll board a plane and sitting next to her will be the man of her dreams. Maybe she should check the cockpit instead!

• If Madison was stranded on an island and could only bring one book, it would be The Bible.

• Madison loves working with foster kids and wants to open an orphanage one day.

• Madison would rather rock a cool pair of Jordans than any heel.

A 23-year-old ultra-religious fanatic who’d rather rock a cool pair of Jordans because she’s *~not like other girls~* and is ready to find her forever right this second, because that’s literally all that matters to her in life? On this show? How weird. 

My Prediction: Gushes on and on and on about how Peter is the one and she knows they’re going to get married, but she’s booted out on Episode 6 after forcing Peter to do a Bible reading on their 1:1 date. 

Megan 

Age: 26
Hometown: San Francisco, CA

Job I Think She Has: Shot girl at her local Coyote Ugly 
Job She Actually Has: Flight Attendant

Official Bachelorette Biography: Just like her mother and grandmother before her, Megan became a flight attendant with the goal of seeing the world. Her parents split up when she was 18, but Megan still considers herself the definition of a hopeless romantic. She is actually grateful that things worked out the way they did because she has gotten to see her mom fall in love again with her amazing stepdad. She says she has been in a few serious relationships, but only during one, year-long affair, would she say that she was ever truly in love. When she's not flying the friendly skies, she loves hiking, skiing and hitting the dog park with her pup, Bear. She would love to find a man who loves his career as much as she does and who can join her for spontaneous trips back to Portland to spend time with her family. Megan is incredibly hopeful that true love is just around the corner and is hoping that she finds it when she gets out of the limo!

• Megan's mother is her best friend. They talk every day.

• Megan is a facemask enthusiast.

• One day, Megan hopes to travel to Zion National Park.

1) Her dream locale is fucking Zion? and 2) She’s a fucking flight attendant, and hasn’t made it the 1.5 hour fucking flight from fucking San Francisco to Zion? Ladies and gentlemen, the worldly, fascinating, and boundary-breaking women of Peter’s season!

My Prediction: Finally gets to go to Zion for the 2-on-1 date, but is promptly dumped by Peter and left to wander the park sadly for days on end.

Maurissa 

Age: 23
Hometown: Atlanta, GA

Job I Think She Has: Vibe and Aura Reader
Job She Actually Has: Patient Care Coordinator 

Official Bachelorette Biography: Maurissa is a bold beauty that is ready to find her husband. In high school, Maurissa competed in the Miss Teen USA pageants and was crowned Miss Teen Montana, but she says it was one of the worst times in her life. She was average size for a teenage girl, but the pageant world made her feel insecure about her weight, which lead her to struggle with body image issues. During this time, Maurissa was in a five-year relationship with her high school sweetheart. He was always someone who encouraged Maurissa to feel beautiful, and she thought she was going to marry him. Unfortunately, the two of them had conflicting ideas for the future, and they broke up when Maurissa realized that he did not want to get married as soon as she did. Soon after the breakup, Maurissa moved to Atlanta and stepped up her fitness routine. As of now, Maurissa has lost 80 pounds and wants to keep going! For the last four years, Maurissa has dated around but hasn't found anyone as serious about marriage as she is. She's looking for a man who is fun spirited, but also ready for a commitment, and if she hits it off with Peter right away, she plans on going hard!

• Maurissa recently left the United States for the first time and went on a girl's trip to the Caribbean.

• When Maurissa is feeling confident, she breaks into song.

• Maurissa prefers to surround herself with people who have a more mature outlook on life. All of her best friends are at least 10 years older than her.

Honestly, I feel for Maurissa. And I think the absolute WORST place she could be right now is on this show. Keep growing and learning, girl—which is nothing you’ll do in the Bachelorverse.

My Prediction: Gone Night 1, and the better for it. 

Mykenna  

Age: 22
Hometown: Langley, BC, Canada

Job I Think She Has: Pro-vegan animal advocate and fashion “influencer” who regularly eats burgers and owns a closet full of real furs
Job She Actually Has: Fashion Blogger

Official Bachelorette Biography: Mykenna may love to curate chic outfits, but she's way more than a pretty girl in a photo! She is here to find love and isn't going to settle for anyone who won't impress her family. Above all else, Mykenna loves her family. She is super close to her parents and is constantly inspired by her grandparent's love, which makes sense, as they were together for 61 years and her grandpa proposed to her grandma on their first date. Mykenna has been in one relationship, but she ended it when he became too controlling. She's looking for someone who will surprise her with romantic adventures, but will also be ok with it when she wants to go out drinking and dancing with her friends. Mykenna says, "I want the good and the bad. I want to laugh, be goofy and be spontaneous with my person, but I also want a relationship where we challenge each other. I don't want an easy love!" Well, this journey definitely will not be easy, but it will be worth it!

• Mykenna is obsessed with ABC's Grey's Anatomy.

• Mykenna's dream job is to start her own charity.

• Mykenna loves to go to car shows with her dad.

HER FUCKING NAME IS MYKENNA. MYKENNA, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

My Prediction: I DON’T FUCKING CARE

Natasha  

Age: 31
Hometown: New York, NY

Job I Think She Has: Extra on Days of Our Lives 
Job She Actually Has: Event Planner

Official Bachelorette Biography: Natasha is here to prove that mysterious is sexy! She makes her presence known whenever she enters a room. She plans parties for a living, but loves her quiet time where she can meditate and focus on her spirituality. A normal Saturday night is either a big dinner with friends that she organized, or she's home watching a movie or reading – it's one extreme or the other. Natasha has been in two serious relationships, but neither one was ever close to marriage. She wants someone who is kind, smart and laid back, but who also knows how to have a good time. She prides herself on being someone you can count on, and would always be there for her man. She says she has never been the type to approach a guy first, but since that hasn't been working, she's looking to change things up here and take the bull by the horns! Watch out, Peter, Natasha is coming in hot!

• If Natasha could pioneer her own fitness movement, it would be disco yoga.

• Natasha loves her legs and her back where she has a cross and dagger tattoo.

• Natasha is afraid of rats, mice, spiders and anything that crawls.

Honey, you’re 31. 31. That makes you 3 years older than Peter, and 45 years more mature than Peter. Pack your suitcases, go back to New York, and forget this nightmare ever happened.

My Prediction: Leaves early Episode 3 after a tragic disco yoga accident.

Payton  

Age: 23
Hometown: Wellesley, MA 

Job I Think She Has: Goop Ambassador
Job She Actually Has: Business Development Rep

Official Bachelorette Biography: Payton is the type of woman who goes into a bar alone and leaves with 100 new best friends. She grew up in Ohio with her four siblings, and thanks to some serious Facebooking, she recently discovered that she has a fifth! After a stranger messaged her, she found out she has a long-lost sister. Payton had a serious boyfriend in college and says that they were in love. They dated for three years, but by her junior year, he started getting jealous of her social life and tried to control her. She lost herself in trying to please him and ended that relationship so she could spend the rest of her time in college having fun. Payton describes herself as outgoing and very fun. She is not very athletic, but loves to be outdoors. Her favorite way to socialize is over a good glass of wine, and she is coming into this with two glasses. Hopefully, Peter is thirsty!

• Payton loves to be the life of the party and her biggest fear is missing out.

• Payton is not afraid of talking to strangers. In fact, she enjoys it!

• Payton has a cute bulldog named Louise.

hOpE pEtEr’S tHiRsTy. HOW FUCKING YOUNG AND IMMATURE ARE THESE WOMEN. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. GODS, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

My Prediction: Sent home Episode 7 after talking so much she causes several contestants to have nervous breakdowns 

Sarah  

Age: 24
Hometown: Knoxville, TN

Job I Think She Has: Elsa at Disney World 
Job She Actually Has: Medical Radiographer 

Official Bachelorette Biography: Sarah may be a Southern belle, but she dreams of a life outside Tennessee. After coming close to an engagement with her last boyfriend, Sarah is single and ready to grab life by the horns. She enjoys being outdoors, paddle boarding, reading, listening to podcasts and binge watching a good series on a rainy day. She loves to cook and find fun, healthy recipes to make throughout the week. Sarah is ready to find her partner in all adventures, and is looking for someone who appreciates her drive and has similar life passions. Good thing Peter loves to eat!

• Sarah's favorite vacation spot is Key West, Florida.

• Sarah loathes slugs.

• Sarah loves listening to electronic music.

Oh my god, if you dressed up a coat rack and talked to it for 3 days straight, it would be endlessly more exciting, interesting, and personable than this absolute nobody.

My Prediction: Final fucking 3.

Savannah  

Age: 27
Hometown: Houston, TX

Job I Think She Has: Angry trophy wife of the high school quarterback who murdered a rival trophy wife and buried the body in her backyard 
Job She Actually Has: Realtor

Official Bachelorette Biography: Savannah is a Texas girl who is ready to expand her horizons past the Lone Star State. She was in an on-and-off relationship for six years, but he couldn't show love or be romantic with her, which was a big problem. Also, during one of the "off" times, he slept with one of her friends, which ended things for good. Now that she's ditched that zero, she's hoping to find her hero in Peter. This successful realtor loves being the center of attention and says that she has a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments. She enjoys roller skating and shopping at Revolve. Savannah has never really left her comfort zone in Texas, so she's hoping to fall in love with a pilot who can show her the world.

• When Savannah wants to treat herself, she indulges in a Vampire Facial.

• Savannah's favorite thing to do to pass time is sit on her back porch and feed the local turtles, which is why she often refers to herself as "The Turtle Princess."

• Savannah used to have a cancer ribbon tattoo on her ribs, but removed it for the Houston Texans cheer tryouts.

This bio broke me. It just absolutely broke me. One of her biggest personality traits is that she loves to fucking shop at Revolve? She removed a fucking cancer tattoo for a fucking Texans cheer tryout? TURTLE PRINCESS. Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. OH MY FUCKING GOD. 

My Prediction: 100% murders another contestant and is forced to leave Episode 4 for her trial .

Shiann  

Age: 27
Hometown: Las Vegas, NV

Job I Think She Has: Asking for the Manager
Job She Actually Has: Administrative Assistant

Official Bachelorette Biography: Shiann comes from Las Vegas and is putting all her bets on Peter! Shiann's hobbies include traveling to foreign countries and competitive horseback riding. She describes herself as a caring, loyal and understanding partner who when she loves, she loves hard. Falling in love has been difficult in the past for Shiann because every guy she's dated either ended up ghosting her, having a wife and kids, or liking her friends over her, but we have a feeling it's only happy times ahead for this high roller.

• According to Shiann, the best part of her body is her lower back.

• Skydiving is at the top of Shiann's bucket list.

• Shiann was a competitive horseback rider growing up.

Either she has the absolute worst taste in men in the history of time, or maybe she’s a fucking lunatic and there’s a reason the common denominator in every single one of her terrible relationships is her. Since she’s from Vegas and that means she can only speak in gambling puns, I’m putting all my bets on the latter. 

My Prediction: Booted Episode 2, and we don’t even see her reaction or her leaving the Mansion.

Sydney  

Age: 24
Hometown: Birmingham, AL

Job I Think She Has: Professional Manicure Getter
Job She Actually Has: Retail Marketing Manager

Official Bachelorette Biography: Sydney loves love! She has always been a relationship type of girl, but the end of her last relationship really crushed her. After being together for two years, she and her boyfriend were planning on moving in together, and while it was an up-and-down relationship, she really thought he was the one. Right when her lease was up and they had begun looking for places together, he told Sydney that she wasn't the one and ended the relationship immediately. Sydney was devastated, but has spent these last few months rebuilding her broken heart and preparing to get back out there. She is looking to find that one person who wants to fully give his all to her and build their lives together. She loves to hike, dance and plan fantasy vacations for her and her future husband. She also loves to bake and says that her dream man will have a sweet tooth just like her. Sydney is fiery, fierce and not a force you want to mess with.

• Sydney's favorite holiday is Valentine's Day.

• Sydney's ability to speak Spanish is so-so, but on salsa night, she rules the dance floor.

• Sydney tries to jog at least once a day and then likes to reward herself with a cupcake she bakes herself. Sweet!

No one *~fiery, fierce, and not a force you want to mess with~* spends all of their time declaring they “love love” or baking themselves cupcakes for post-jog binges or planning fantasy vacations for partners that don’t exist. 

My Prediction: Gone Night 1

Tammy  

Age: 24
Hometown: Syracuse, NY

Job I Think She Has: Artisan Cheeseboard Maker
Job She Actually Has: House Flipper 

Official Bachelorette Biography: Tammy is in the process of taking over the world and if a man can't keep up, then she isn't afraid to leave them in the dust. She comes from a hardworking family that immigrated over to Syracuse during the Vietnam War and credits her go-go-go attitude to her parents. After her parents split up, she helped raise her younger sisters and has been working ever since graduating high school. Speaking of high school, Tammy tried to join the boys wrestling team as a junior but was turned away! She responded by showing up to every practice and pushing forward on a Title IX complaint until they accepted her. Good thing they did, because once on the team, she went on to have a 7-1 record wrestling on the boys' varsity team. Tammy's busy work life hasn't given her too much time to date. She has been unable to find anyone in Syracuse who can keep up with her ambitious nature, and she finds it hard to date men her age because her drive tends to intimidate them. Tammy is coming into this experience to focus on finding true love and to see if Peter is the type of guy who can give her the work-life balance she needs. One problem though: Tammy hasn't told her mom yet that she's going to be on The Bachelor. Guess now is as good a time as any! Surprise, Mom!

• Tammy loves to travel so much that she has the vanity license plate "JETSETTR."

• Tammy ended her last relationship by ghosting him.

• Tammy considers herself a tomboy and doesn't relate well to the "blonde Barbie" types.

Like I hate her, and I hate how she’s NoT LiKe OtHeR gIrLs, but also kind of rooting for her to bang Peter in a [insert tacky fucking place here] and then bite his head off post-coitus. 

My Prediction: Bangs Peter in a [insert tacky fucking place here] and then bite his head off post-coitus, effectively ending the season early. 

Victoria F.   

Age: 25
Hometown: Virginia Beach, VA

Job I Think She Has: Choir Girl for her local church 
Job She Actually Has: Medical Sales Rep

Official Bachelorette Biography: Victoria has lived in Virginia Beach her entire life and is very tied into her local community. She works part time at a yoga studio, but her true passion is her career in medical sales where she works super hard. Victoria is looking for a guy that can make her laugh and melt her heart. She wants a man who can love her through the good, the bad and the ugly. She wants a man who can not only give her unconditional love, but can also give that love to her dog Buxton because they are a package deal. Victoria says that it's hard for her to know someone likes her unless they are expressing it to her verbally, so good thing Peter has a way with words!

• Victoria loves a man who is in touch with his feelings and isn't afraid to cry in public.

• Victoria is a big fan of country music and will travel to see her favorite artists play a show.

• The most important woman in Victoria's life is her dear grandmother.

Let’s just set the record straight here: No one’s true passion is a career in medical sales. 

Jesus, this girl is the human equivalent of a bar of soap. Squeaky clean, utterly bland, and becomes obsolete faster than you’d expect. Next!

My Prediction: Gone on Night 1

Victoria P.   

Age: 27
Hometown: Alexandria, LA

Job I Think She Has: Calls herself an entrepreneur, but really just has a Premium Snapchat account
Job She Actually Has: Nurse

Official Bachelorette Biography: While Victoria grew up in a small town, there was nothing simple about her upbringing. Victoria lost her father at a young age and both her mother and sister struggled with drug addiction. Victoria grew up fast and, as of three years ago, her mother and sister are now both sober and have a stronger family bond than ever before. Victoria is on The Bachelor because she has never given herself a fair shot at finding love. She has been in one serious relationship that lasted for two years, but his infidelity led to them breaking up after she stumbled upon a video on her ex's phone which proved he had been cheating on her. Victoria is a natural care giver but is ready to find someone who can care for her as much as she will for him. This former Miss Louisiana pageant girl has been forced to grow up fast and learn the importance of finding a supportive life partner. She wants someone who will be a wonderful father to their kids and will be the rock she never had. She gives the best hugs and is excited to wrap her arms around Peter as soon as she meets him!

• If Victoria could travel anywhere in the world, she would go to Italy.

• Victoria's biggest fears are murky waters she can't see her feet in, and chicken served on the bone.

• Nothing upsets Victoria more than finding raisins in her cookies.

I want to hate her, but I feel for her. I guess maybe—just maybe—this means I still have a soul.

Lmao no I don’t, who am I trying to kid. Is this fucking blog post over yet? Almost? Thank god. 

My Prediction: Gets surprisingly dumped Episode 8, after looking like a shoo-in for Hometowns