The Bachelor S24 E04: Bad Dates, Bad Decisions, and the Bachelor Bowl
I was so torn going into this episode that I almost gave up and just started watching…what the fuck else is on Monday nights?
Huh, Prodigal Son. I had to look up what that was, and oh! It’s a show about a tortured pretty white boy (of course) who’s a brilliant criminal profiler (of course) who was kicked out of the FBI because he’s just too much (of course) and now works for the NYPD (of course) and he has the “unique ability to view crimes from the perspective of the killer, allowing him to pick up on things that other cops might miss” (of course) and his dad is a famed upper-class serial killer (of course) and everyone spends the entirety of each episode telling the Prodigal Son that he’s so brilliant and incredible (of course) and he and his father solve cases together like a cuter Hannibal Lecter/Clarice Starling combo (of course). So I guess literally everything on Monday night is shit.
Anyway, after that mind-melting aside, I was still torn as I stared down the barrel of this episode. On the one hand, I was going to watch Victoria F suffer through a horrific country concert date where her ex, Chase Rice, was the main attraction. On the other hand, I was going to watch Alayah prance back into a date with her rage-inducing smirk and I just knew that Peter, being as dense as an actual black hole, would let her come back to the show.
Would this episode squash one terrible person? Or would it raise another terrible person up? And why are so many fucking terrible people in this franchise, anyway?
Let’s dive in.
We’d All Like to Flee to the Cleve
Another dawn shines bright in the Bachelorverse, bringing with it our favorite Zaddy, Chris Harrison. The women excitedly congregate to hear what news he brings, and he doesn’t disappoint. “You’re going on an amazing journey that will literally take you around the world,” he announces, as they women vibrate in visible delight, dreams of Bali and Brazil dancing in their heads. “Your first stop is a city of art, culture, and rock and roll…Cleveland!”
For the first time in Bachelorverse history, the Mansion was so silent you could drop a pin and it would sound like dropping a bag of bowling balls. To their credit, this destination all of the women recognized, but that was also the problem. Other than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and a fantastic 30 Rock episode, what the fuck else does Cleveland have?
“And pack up your things,” Zaddy adds, “because you won’t be coming back to the Mansion.”
Our dazed and confused contestants eventually sort of nod, slowly dispersing to their rooms to pack their suitcases full of ball gowns, makeup, and broken dreams.
Once they land in the Cleve, it’s immediately time for the episode’s first 1:1 Date—that’s right, kids, it’s time to watch Victoria F get humiliated on national TV! Y’all, if you don’t know the news already, Victoria F is a monster. This isn’t a spoiler, but I’ll still treat it as such, so reader beware, you’re in for a character-spoiler if you keep reading this paragraph…………………………………...so the hot tea is that sis is a homewrecker. No, like seriously. She’s slept with like four of her friends’ husbands and ruined all of their marriages. With friends like that, who needs enemies! This, to me, means that she should be humiliated every single time she’s paraded on screen, so let’s get to it, Producers!
Anyway, they do a great start with the absurd debacle that is this date. First, Peter and our evil little goblin go for a ride in a plane, because GUYS, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS, BUT PETER IS A PILOT! A PILOT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? VF pretends to be afraid of heights the entire time, but this is also the bitch posting pictures of herself skydiving on her Insta, so I just give up.
After they survive the dating skies, they hightail it over to Cedar Point, where they make VF pretend-shriek a lot more on some sort of catapult-looking ride, after which she promptly demands they do it again. I wish they could just catapult her to the moon, but here we are.
“Look at me, Peter, I’m so terrified and helpless and scared! Now let’s go again!” (ABC)
Over a round of beers in some weird diner in the park, VF raises her glass and cheers to their future sons having hot moms. Sure.
Drunk on love and cheap beers, our duo stagger over to a stage, where there’s a country concert going on! Peter, dumb as a stump per usual, doesn’t notice that VF deflates like an evil balloon. Turns out our singing star is none other than Chase Rice, VF’s ex!
Well, actually…
According to VF he’s her ex. According to Sir Rice, they had a one-night stand. My money’s on the latter, but again, VF will milk any and all opportunity to look like a victim, so once again, here the fuck we are.
Anyway, it’s pretty glorious watching her die on the spot as Chase croons some dumb, but delightful, song that’s basically lampooning the Bachelorverse. The devil works hard, but the Producers work harder.
After the concert, Peter geeks out and gets Chase’s number, then VF confronts him. It’s very anticlimactic. Chase has since claimed the Producers said the date wouldn’t include VF, but, once again, the Producers are the ultimate puppet masters, so dance, puppets, dance. Preferably in cowboy boots in the middle of the day in the middle of Cedar Point Theme Park.
omg again I’m so scared just look at me (ABC)
Seemingly 15 hours later, VF and Peter are reunited for a date of pretending to eat dinner and yammering endlessly at each other. VF wildly overreacts about having to tell Peter they essentially just went on a date with her “ex” and acts like she’s going to tell him she did something horrible, like she just murdered his parents or at the very least thinks Peter’s sexual obsession with their marriage is weird, or something.
She begins crying and causing a scene, and poor, sweet, dumb Peter goggles and feels bad and tries to console her like I try to console a fussing baby—awkwardly petting it a few times, looking around frantically for help, and trying not to look like I’m now in physical pain.
VF eventually runs off, because why wouldn’t she, and Peter gives her, like, 2 minutes to collect herself before reluctantly going after her.
“I’m so sorry,” she warbles, through pure crocodile tears. “I know you were going to react like that, I’m so sorry.”
SHUT
THE
FUCK
UP
VICTORIA
Girl is a gaslighting fiend, and Peter gets sucked right into it. VF gets to keep the spotlight on her and her sexual conquests, gets more screen time, gets more validation and reassurance, and gets to know she can keep doing this over and over and over again. I hate her, I hate her, and I hate her.
“It’s such a good feeling that Peter can accept me when I’m at my lowest point,” she tells the camera later.
Oh, HONEY.
“If I have trust with you, that’s all I need,” says Peter.
OH, HONEY.
Anyone else having intense Hannah B/Luke P flashbacks?
At the end of the date, VF gets an immunity rose, and we all collectively die a little inside.
The Bachelor Bowl
Back at…what is this, a Best Western? Anyway, back at the hotel, a Date Card arrives bearing the ominous note Let’s tackle love together!
Off for some bodily harm are Too Pure for This Franchise Victoria P, Linger-y Kiarra, Windmill Deandra, ‘00s Club Queen Madison, Shiann the No Kiss Getter, Tammy the Package Handler, Anti-Alayah Sydney, Hannah “The Finasco” Ann, and…
Will it be Kelsey or Mykenna?? We’re treated to 5 straight hours of Mykenna’s eyebrows panicking, before we receive our final judgment: Khaleesi Eyebrows Mykenna is on the Group Date, meaning #ChampagneGate Kelsey gets the 1:1! Curses, Mykenna, foiled again!
Unleashed on the mean streets of Cleveland, our women find Peter wandering a random street and immediately stampede over to him to try to do the signature Jump-On-The-Lead-Wrap-Your-Legs-Around-His-Waist-And-Kiss-Him Move (or JOTLWYLAHWAKHM, for short).
Peter announces that this city impresses him, which is fitting, given that boy has the personality of a wet slice of Kraft American Cheese Singles. He then drags the women to a nearby stadium, because it’s football time, baby! Our ladies are split into two teams—the Eliminators and the Killer Bees, I swear to fucking god—and they’re told that the winners will get more time with Peter at the after-party, and our losers will go home. Unless! If there’s a tie, they all get to be with Peter at the after-party! This causes them all to have a meltdown, because it’s not fair, or something.
I cannot.
Gooo team, get the goal!! (ABC)
Tammy crows that she loves contact sports, cracking her knuckles aggressively. Makenna giggle-cries that she’s “the least athletic girl here” as she then prances gracefully around, clearly from years of yoga/pilates/barre/etc.
The game is bad. It’s so bad. It’s SO bad. At one point, one of the coaches sits down and literally says: “Ladies, if the other team gets a touchdown, this puts us at a disadvantage. Do you understand?”
All of the women cock their heads and frown, unable to process such a complex equation.
In the end, they all win, although that really means they all lose, in their minds. That’s right, we have a tie, which is honestly shocking that anyone understood how to run the ball. Turns out Deandra and Shiann were…at least better than anyone else, and gave their respective teams some fleeting chance at avoiding complete, utter, devastating disaster.
Still grumbling at the after-party, our women flop around in what appears to be the hallway outside the bathroom at a ‘00s nightclub. What is with this vibe, guys?
BUT THEN.
All grumblings over everyone winning yet losing are forgotten as the door opens. The women shiver as a cold chill creeps into the air. Somewhere, a wolf howls. And in walks Alayah, blowing them a kiss and smirking so aggressively I was surprised her face didn’t freeze that way.
“Everyone is shooketh to the core,” says Tammy, with feeling.
Alayah sashays out back, where Shiann and Peter are chatting. Peter freezes, and I can actually feel his teeny, tiny brain trying desperately to process what he’s seeing, but it’s just taking so very, very long.
“Do you mind if I interrupt?” Alayah smirks, smirking.
“Uh,” says Shiann, goggling at her. “Okay.”
OKAY?? Jesus Christ, woman, grow some lady balls!
“Look, Peter, I just need to tell you a few things,” Alayah says, getting right down to business. “First of all, I'm just as bad as everyone said. Second of all, I'm literally only doing this to try to become famous. Third of all, I don't have three jobs.”
Okay, so she didn’t say that last part, but still.
Peter—somehow, shockingly—gets it together enough to call her right the fuck out for lying about Victoria P right off the bat.
Alayah immediately stops him, telling him that VP is full of it for saying they barely knew each other. Sure, she admits to telling VP they shouldn’t let the Producers know they were friends, but she claims they were friends. In fact, they went to Vegas together! On a planned trip!
And here’s where Peter falters. This is for two reasons:
Peter is an absolute idiot, and despite being incensed about watching the Luke P debacle go down, is completely prepared to run headfirst into his own Luke P situation
Peter is very dense, and it’s painful for him to process information quickly and completely
Our besotted and befuddled leading man goes to VP to clear things up. Here’s pretty much how it goes:
Peter: Alayah said you were friends with her
VP: I was never friends with Alayah, I only knew her for 3 hours
Peter: She said you planned a trip to Vegas together
VP: Yeah we went to Vegas together
Peter: Wait so you completely lied
VP: What no, where on earth did you get that from
GIRL, WHAT? NOOOOO, VP, SAY IT AIN’T SO! Even though I still think VP is approximately 4857876734773265372x a better person than Alayah, this bullshit really throws her into question, and now stupid Peter is going to seize this opportunity to bring Alayah the fuck back, I just know it.
VP and Peter decide to confront this nebulous nonsense head-on, so they go back out to find Alayah and discuss. And…it’s super weird. Alayah is pouty and weird. VP seems…well, at times she seems genuine, and at other times she really seems to be a manipulative psychopath. She fucking wipes tears off of Alayah’s face. And then, it hits me.
This was all planned.
VP and Alayah planned every single moment of this, and they did it with the Producers, and our exceedingly dense leading man has no idea. My god, these women are entering Producer territory!
After VP slithers away, Alayah calls Peter her boyfriend. This is a bold strategy, Cotton, given the fact that he dumped her, like, 30 hours ago.
“I had no reason to send you home or doubt you whatsoever,” Peter then has the absolute audacity to say, as Alayah smirks so aggressively it gave me a stroke.
PETER, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
So Peter is Hannah B, right? Like, he’s just as fucking stupid and as fucking desperate and as fucking hell-bent on self-sabotaging himself because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of a healthy relationship, right? Please, god, cancel the rest of this season and just let those two idiots end up together, already. We need a miracle, stat.
Peter gathers the women, who are all fucking dying to know what the fuck is going on, and tells them that not only is Alayah coming back on the show, he’s giving her the fucking Group Date Rose, giving her immunity for the next Rose Ceremony.
S H O O K E T H (ABC)
Every single contestant, everyone watching at home, and literally everyone else on this planet just gaped in utter, utter disbelief. Peter, sweetheart, you clearly can’t be trusted with even breathing on your own, let alone carrying this show or making a single healthy dating decision. Please go home, learn how to grow a proper beard, and do some serious growing up before ever stepping out in public again.
We’re then treated to a segment of Alayah claiming she’s been a victim through all of this. Immediately after, I got up, went into the kitchen, opened a bottle of vodka, and chugged half of it.
Then, Alayah announced that she had the VF/Chase Rice tea, and was going to spill it to all the ladies. Immediately after, I reopened the bottle of vodka and chugged the second half of it, but this time, it filled me with a renewed warmth.
Polka Dancing at the Soapbox Derby
That’s it, that’s the date.
I want to end it there, but I guess I should give more details. Why I do this to myself, I do not know.
Anyway, it’s time for Kelsey’s 1:1 with Peter, which opens with her sprinting toward him on some random street and doing the JOTLWYLAHWAKHM. After they extricate Peter from her clutches, he calls her “Chelsea” a few times and they stumble onto a group of polka players making some sweet, sweet polka music. They try to polka. Or they were having seizures, not sure. Then they end up at a soapbox derby and pretend to like the children involved. I’m so fucking confused.
Then they have dinner? Am I blacking out from all that vodka?
Peter says Kelsey is like, super chill and shit, despite the fact that girl single-handedly brought #ChampagneGate crashing down upon us all, so sure. Kelsey cries and says her dad left her mom with a Dear John note she found. This is, of course, crushing and very psychologically damaging for a child, bu Peter skips right over that to trill about how Kelsey’s desire to have family makes her so enticing.
MEN, PLEASE STOP DEFINING WOMEN SOLELY BY THEIR DESIRE TO HAVE CHILDREN. WOMEN ARE NOT YOUR INCUBATORS OR BROOD MARES.
“I love that you define my self-worth based on how much I want to bear children” (ABC)
There are then, of course, fireworks. Kelsey gets an immunity rose, and we all die a little more inside.
Sensing that we’re fading fast, the Producers then throw us two bones:
Alayah reveals she knows the VF/Chase Rice tea because—remember—she was kicked the fuck off the show and got her phone privileges back, so she was able to scroll social media and all the gossip blogs and find out details the contestants still not the show can’t. This leads us to a delightful scene of a fight between Alayah and VF, where we confront this madness head on.
Peter finally senses that literally every single one of his contestants that aren’t Alayah are a combination of hurt, horrified, and furious with him for bringing Alayah back, and he realizes he might lose some of them over it. “I feel like all the women are disappointed in me,” he tells the camera sadly, and I recorded this moment on my phone so that I can watch it whenever I have a bad day and need a pick-me-up.
This. Very. Shot. (ABC)
Until next week!
