The Bachelor S24 E01: The Mile High Club — The Opposite of What to Do

Well, kids, the jury’s in—Peter’s season is one gigantic fucking joke.

And by that I mean, quite literally, we’re setting up for an entire season of jokes about fucking. Jokes about fucking in windmills, jokes about fucking Hannah B, jokes about fucking each of the contestants, jokes about fucking on planes and getting your Mile High Club wings, and on and on forever and ever. If Colton’s season was an undying ode to virginity, then Peter’s season is a Bacchanalia-inspired celebration of boning.

In just the premiere episode alone, we had women:

Handcuff Peter
Frisk Peter
Blindfold Peter and then make out with him
Tell Peter their vagina was wet (I see you, Victoria F)
Tell Peter they want to join the Mile High Club with him
Wave a TSA wand over Peter’s crotch and yammer on about his package

And that’s not even getting into the windmill gags. We had women dressing up as windmills, women setting up mini golf courses with windmills, women cracking jokes about windmills, a windmill backdrop on a group date, etc.

Oh, and by the way, we had Hannah B show up (for a second time in the same episode) to host that group date, and she opened it up with a figurative blow-by-blow of their literal blow-by-blow in the windmill.

Guys, I don’t know if you know this, but Peter fucked in a windmill.

PETER FUCKED IN A WINDMILL.

Let’s dive in.

Expect Turbulence

We kick things off with a sneak peek of the end of the season, where Zaddy Chris Harrison delivers some apparently devastating news to our intrepid pilot, who then dramatically collapses on a bed and rolls around in front of a gaggle of cameramen.

If there’s something the Producers love more than life itself, it’s teasing some DEEP DARK SECRET (TM) that ends up being absolutely nothing. However, if the rumors are to be believed, this may be one of the first times this dramatic, nonsensical montage may actually be explosive. And no, for the love of god, that’s not a sex joke.

Next up is a segment of Peter at his parents’ house, singing in Spanish with his mom. I know this franchise is trying desperately to make Peter’s parents happen, but these are the people that spent all of their airtime last season loudly yodeling in German, and then screaming and clapping in delight (in front of a live studio audience) when they discovered their son fucked Hannah in a windmill.

Luckily, we’re saved by the montage with a handful of contestant videos. We have Alexa, who says she’s an esthetician and therefore a caregiver, and also she waxes vaginas! We have Hannah Ann, who’s a sentient American Girl Doll (Samantha, the one we all know is racist) from the South that loves her family! We have Tammy, who can deadlift a dude and is my new spirit animal! We have Kelley, who met Peter in a hotel lobby a month before filming and most definitely pulled a windmill with him! We have Victoria P, who has a traumatic family history and looks just like Demi!

The true definition of a caregiver (Entertainment Weekly)

Finally, it’s time for the introductions! They’re a disaster.

Alayah sashays out in a gorgeous, if extremely revealing, dress. Peter literally cannot stop oggling her boobs, and it’s incredibly uncomfortable. She tells Peter her Grandma Rose wrote him a letter. Peter, gobsmacked, says he too has a Grandma Rose! Guys, everyone has a fucking Grandma Rose, I’m pretty sure it’s a law.
Hannah Ann coos about how much she loves Peter already, which is fitting, given that she’s 23 and has the emotional intelligence of a dry kitchen sponge.
Lauren has an AMAZING dress and that’s literally all I remember about her.
Victoria P tells Peter they need to do a happy dance and dance the scaries away, and then the two proceed to flail around like dying fish. If you ever doubted that white people have culture, think again, sweaty.
Eunice prances out in angel wings and says it’s because she’s a flight attendant. Sure. We then get a delicious voiceover from her yammering on about how it’s so unique that she’s a flight attendant and she and Peter will have that unshakable bond, as we then meet two other flight attendants.
Madison zooms out in a gigantic paper airplane, because PETER IS A PILOT, in case you forgot.
Tammy dresses up as a TSA officer and frantically waves a metal detector over Peter’s dick, saying she was told there was a large package in front of the mansion.
Courtney pulls a Jigsaw and zooms unsteadily out on a tiny tricycle outfitted with airplane wings, screaming out a Mile High Club joke as she tries desperately not to crash.
Kiarra comes out shoved in a fucking suitcase.
Lexi, who vehemently insists being a redhead makes dating hard despite having auburn-blond hair, zooms up in a red hot rod and declares “clearly I like to go fast, and I heard you do too.”
Kylie throws a punch of condoms at Peter.
Jasmine greets Peter in Vietnamese, and he looks so confused I’m pretty sure he had a mini stroke.
Payton comes out screaming FOUR TIMES, FOUR TIMES, and in case you’ve forgotten, four is the number of times that Peter FUCKED IN A WINDMILL.
Deandra dresses up as a windmill.
Sara merely says "hubba hubba” while giving bedroom eyes.
Victoria F says she has a dry sense of humor, but that’s the only thing dry about her.
Jenna brings an emotional support cow, named Ashley P. She then thrusts the reigns into Peter’s hands and insists he takes care of her now, before turning away and walking into the Mansion.
Savannah blindfolds Peter, gropes him a lot, yammers on about how good things feel, and then kisses him.
Kelley makes it pretty clear she and Peter boffed in the hotel they met in.
Natasha comes out trying to make sexy eyes, but looks like she’s absolutely fucking tweaking off a bad batch of meth.

It’s what Peter deserves, to be fair (ABC)

My favorite of the night is Maurissa, who seems like an absolute sweetheart. She may be an ex-Pageant Queen, but she openly discusses how it lead to (at the least) disordered eating, and how it really affected her, and the ways she’s taken back control of her life in healthy ways. She seems endearing and sincere and lovely. She’s a minority and intelligent and genuine. She’s definitely going home tonight.

My least favorite of the night is fucking Hannah B, who hurls herself out of the limo and causes every single contestant to have an immediate mental breakdown.

“Why is she here??” screams one of the contestants, as though she’s a stranger to the Bachelorverse.

“I’m here to continue to fuck up your life!” (ABC)

“When I heard you were the next Bachelor, I had mixed emotions,” Hannah tells Peter, despite the fact that her was her third choice (although, realistically, probably her fourth—we all know Luke P. would've stayed if Hannah hadn’t literally been forced to send his ass packing).

Hannah gives Peter back his wings, which he’d given her on Night 1 of her season. They make eyes at each other. It’s the least sexy or emotional thing I’ve ever seen.

Once that nightmare’s over, Peter gets some quality time with the contestants.

Hannah Ann gives him a shitty canvas painting she made on a bad date at Paint Nite, and then they make out. Peter literally fist pumps in joy when she adds that her parents showed her what a healthy marriage was, because Peter is literally obsessed with his own parents’ relationship.
Tammy frisks Peter, and then they make out.
Mykenna interrupts Natasha by throwing paper airplanes at her, and then makes out with Peter.
Natasha comes back with more wonky sexy eyes, declaring how mysterious she is. She and Peter do not make out.
Shiann panics about not making out with Peter.
Hannah Ann interrupts three other contestants to make out with Peter more. Hannah Ann is Joe from You. Which would make Peter Beck, and honestly, it works.
Victoria F weirdly tries to justify her wet vagina joke. Pete literally forgets the joke and She has to spell it all out for him. She then cries.

“I painted in all of the numbers with the right colors, all by myself!” (ABC)

At the end of the night, Hannah and her makeout skills get the First Impression Rose.

Somehow, we still have two hours left to go.

The Rose Ceremony

It’s time to give roses to our chosen ladies, and boot out our first gaggle of losers. Already safe with the First Impression Rose is Hannah Paint-By-Numbers Ann. Living to see another day with her are:

Demi Doppelgänger Victoria P
Madison the Paper Plane Pilot
One-Night-Stand Kelley
Lexi Goes Fast
Savannah the Groper
Lauren with the Good Dress
Tammy the Package Handler
Grandma Rose Alayah
Jasmine the Stroke Inducer
Mykenna the Makeout Queen
Windmill Deandra
Alexa the Vagina Waxer
Payton Four Times
Mile High Club Courtney
Shiann the No Kiss Getter
Meth Eyes Natasha
Wet Vagina Victoria F

And these women, who I don’t remember in the slightest:

Sydney
Sara
Kelsey

Which means we say good fucking riddance to:

Avonlea the Cattle Rancher
Angel Wings Eunice
Jade the Mormon Divorcee
Jenna with the Emotional Support Cow
Katrina the Pro Sports Dancer
Kylie and her plastic surgery
Megan Generic Flight Attendant No. 3

Strangely, we’ve eliminated all three of the flight attendants.

And sadly, this means we say goodnight, sweet princess, to Maurissa. May you spread your wings and fly so far away from this nightmare, girl.

Group Date 1: The Co-Pilot Olympics

Since this episode is roughly 15 hours long, that means we have time for a long, painful string of dates—and first up is a group date! Pitted against each other to “Compete to be Peter’s Co-Pilot!” are Mile High Club Courtney, Windmill Deandra, Hannah Paint-by-Numbers Ann, Jasmine the Stroke Inducer, One-Night-Stand Kelley, Shiann the No Kiss Getter, Wet Vagina Victoria F, and Demi Doppelgänger Victoria P.

“We’re ready to break a sweat! But not TOO much of a sweat, since we al just did our hair and makeup.” (ABC)

Their quest will take them through awe-inspiring feats of physical and mental fortitude, starting with being forced to watch a shirtless Peter hose down a plane and then his own yawn-inducing bod. It’s not that Peter’s ugly, it’s just that he’s not even remotely enticing in any way, shape, or form. He looks like a croissant that only baked halfway. He has a Gerber Baby face on a B-minus body. I imagine the best part of fucking him in a windmill was getting to inspect the ceiling’s unique architecture, because A) you’d of course only be in missionary, and B) whatever keeps your eyes off that unformed face.

Anyway, the next test is going to flight school, hosted by the first female Blue Angel and a female Marine pilot, both of whom could literally crush Peter like a teeny, tiny bug. Can they please be the new stars of this season? Wondering what they’ve done to receive such punishment, the two put our contestants through the ringer with questions like “how many feet in a mile” and whatever. Hannah Ann somehow knows this, but she’s also sitting next to Peter, so $10 says he whispered it to her while she panicked.

The question was “What’s the Worst Thing You Can Imagine Doing with Peter” (ABC)

Next up is a spin on a gyroscope, so the contestants can see how they handle turbulence. I don’t know about you, but even the bumpiest flights I’ve ever been on have never spun wildly in circles, but what do I know. Most of the women are fine, but Victoria P is sweating buckets in the background, white as a ghost as she watches this whirling wheel of madness. Turns out she once took an ill-fated ride on some carnival teacups and it made her puke just everywhere, as we get to delightfully experience through Annaliese-style flashbacks.

To her credit, Victoria P does give it a go, although has to then sprint to the bathroom to hurl her guts up. Peter dutifully follows her and gives her a bottle of water, and she tells him it’s the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for her. Welcome to the depressing, disappointing world of Tinder Culture, people!

Now it’s time for an obstacle course that is definitely the exact same one Peter had to pass in order to become a pilot. The women spin around on stools and try not to puke. Then they go down a giant inflatable slide. Then they get blown off course in front of giant fans. Then they find their bags in a stack of bags and go through security (which is the only actual impressive feat of the day). Then they change in a port-a-potty, because why the fuck not. Finally they hop on tricycles and weave through more obstacles. It’s hard! Kelley says fuck it and just pedals wildly through the center of the course, causing Shiann to have an absolute fucking heart attack. Welcome to The Bachelor, Shiann—it’s eat or be eaten, and playing fair in an obstacle course is the fastest way to get sent home.

We then spend a solid 7-8 minutes listening to Shiann cry at Kelley for cheating. The other women are also out of sorts, because why wouldn’t a group of grown women fight over breaking the rules in a bullshit obstacle course date on a bullshit reality dating show to win the heart of a bullshit pilot?

Kelley, smirking, skips off for a date with Peter, during which they fly around the Mansion and some shit, because PETER IS A PILOT, lest you’ve forgotten.

Later that night, our gaggle of out-of-sorts obstacle course losers gather for a cocktail hour in some meeting room in the Four Seasons. Which is, of course, the EXACT same hotel that Kelley and Peter met at! What are the odds!

My first impression of Kelley was that she was insufferable and totally banged Peter when she met him. My current impression of Kelley is that she is incredibly insufferable and 10000% banged Peter when she met him. She spends the entire night smirking and lurking and my god, is it terrible. She interrupts Natasha for a makeout sash with Peter, despite the fact that she fucking won the group date and had, like, hours with him. I hate her, and I cannot wait for her to go home.

However, we are in hell, so we know she’s not going anywhere yet.

I Do, the Remix

It’s time for our very first 1:1 of the season! And it’s with Madison, who dons a clubbing outfit circa 2004 for a chill afternoon date. Honestly, the girl is wearing 5-pound chandelier earrings and a ruched polyester dress that I definitely wore to an 18+ bar and spilled Midori sours all over all night long.

Moments later, she unhinged her jaw 1” further and devoured Peter (ABC)

What makes this even more delicious is that they then cart off to Peter’s PARENTS’ HOUSE to meet his ENTIRE FAMILY for his parent’s fucking VOW RENEWAL. Peter, of course, got ordained on GetOrdainedOnline.com and presides over the renewal with the biggest fucking boner he could muster. If you look up Oedipus Complex in the dictionary, Peter’s picture is right there. This guy is so obsessed with his own parents that it makes Freud roll over and cum in his grave. Having a sexual attraction to your parents’ relationship isn’t a personality trait, Peter.

Anyway, the vow renewal makes everyone cry (for very different reasons) and then Peter’s mom tosses the bouquet and then of course Madison catches it. Again, what are the odds!!

After all this sexual build-up, our pathetic twosome scamper off for a dinner date. Peter has to refrain from pleasuring himself at the table as they discuss their parents’ healthy relationships. Madison keeps doing something horrifically unsexy with her tongue that she thinks is incredibly sexy.

I should note here that Madison posted a still of this scene on her Instagram account, and then commented on it with “Beautiful date Madi. You are so genuine and real <3” because she HAS A FAN ACCOUNT SHE MADE FOR HERSELF and MEANT TO POST WITH THAT ACCOUNT but FORGOT TO LOG OUT OF HER OWN ACCOUNT. This woman is a sentient season of The Bachelor, my god.

Back on the show in another delicious layer, Madi then tells Peter she’s “a really cautious person” and boy, do I live for this shit.

“Today was such a dream, in so many ways,” says Peter, thinking about how much he’s attracted to his parents’ marriage. “It was the perfect date for me.”

Madison of course gets a rose, then of course some hack band called “Tenille Arts” comes out to play romantic songs, and then of course Peter’s ENTIRE FAMILY comes out to sexy dance beside them, and we all lose a little more of our souls to enteral damnation.

Group Date 2: I Hope This Isn’t Awkward

“I Hope This Isn’t Awkward” is the actual phrase used on this date card, and honestly, it’s so fitting, given where we started and where we are now.

Prepared to die of awkwardness are Grandma Rose Alayah, Alexa the Vagina Waxer, Kelsey whoever the fuck that is, Lauren with the Good Dress, Mykenna the Makeout Queen, Meth Eyes Natasha, Payton Four Times, Savannah the Groper, and Sydney who I’ve never seen before in my entire life.

“Only good things happen in Hollywood, right??” (ABC)

Our poor souls are trooped off to Hollywood Boulevard, where…OH LOOK, THERE’S A WINDMILL ON A STAGE! AND OH LOOK, THERE’S HANNAH B!

As Hannah B slinks out, all of the women join me in groaning in exasperation. Hannah, your season sucked. No one cares and no one wants you back on this fucking show. You made horrible decisions, and we want you to stop including us in more, for the love of all that is holy.

But again, our prayers fall on deaf ears, because of course Hannah starts literally going into detail about how she and Peter fucked in the windmill. THEY FUCKED IN A WINDMILL. HEY EVERYONE, THEY FUCKED IN A WINDMILL!

THEY

FUCKED

IN

A

WINDMILL

!

I have to say, though, this really was a bonding moment for Hannah and myself. I, too, love dropping in on my ex's dates to tell them all about how we fucked and how many times we fucked and where we fucked. It's a great time for everyone.

Hannah tells the horrified crowd that they then have to get up on stage and tell a fun sex story to the audience! Or fine, if they don’t want to give intimate details of their own sexcapades to a live audience and also everyone in the country watching, they can share a fun sexual fantasy!

Once she sashays backstage, a confused but turned on Peter follows, although his boner is super confused when Hannah immediately starts crying. Uh oh, did she make a mistake? She tells Peter she was just so confused! It really was going to be either him or Jed! Which is rich, because she definitely liked Luke P way more than Peter, and also TYLER WAS HER RUNNER UP and then during After the Final Rose she blatantly chose TYLER RIGHT IN FRONT OF PETER but whatever.

Hannah isn’t wearing waterproof mascara, so her sobbing is making her face look like a Rorschach test. Peter holds her close and they almost make out like, 6 times. Peter’s facial hair looks particularly pathetic during all of this, I just have to note.

“This is utterly ridiculous,” vents one of the contestants, and I agree as I down my bottle of merlot.

Then, of course, the episode ends with a TO BE CONTINUED because FUCK YOU.

Until next week!

Hi.