Has there ever been a more glorious flaming pile of garbage than Bachelor in Paradise? The entire premise of this show is to assemble a group of borderline-psychotic rejects from past Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons, sprinkle in 1 or 2 fan favorites that were royally screwed over on their seasons, throw them on an isolated beach resort in Mexico, ply them all with an obscene amount of alcohol, and watch them lose their fucking minds on national TV.

Inevitably, the same things happen each go ‘round:

• There‘s a love parallelograms between a few top contestants

• A former fan favorite becomes a monster

• Nameless nobodies booted off episode 1 of their seasons fail miserably in becoming relevant

• There’s a fistfight

• Someone or something gets hurled into the water and/or dropped tragically in the sand (desperately needed drunk pizzas, enormous stuffed animals, random men)

• The same small group of hopeless failures are brought back season after season merely for the amusement of the Producers

• Someone gets tricked into fucking in the Fantasy Suites

• A handful of engagements go down, most of which end within weeks of leaving Paradise

It’s amazing. It’s genius. It’s everything that’s both wrong and right with our country. 

Let’s dive in.

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun 

Because this show is terrible, we open with back-to-back introductions of many of the same people. Especially most of the obnoxious people. The first intros are pre-shot back at home or wherever the fuck our contestants have been roaming, and then the needless second round of intros are done as they arrive at the beach. Hooray!

Initial Intro: Tayshia (Colton’s Season)

I strongly dislike Tayshia. This is not helped by her montage of chugging champagne and...dropping balls? Is this a Colton metaphor? As one of Colton’s Final Three I guess technically she came close to his balls because she got a Fantasy Suite, but all they did, I think, was scrapbook, so I don’t know. Is it a metaphor for all the balls she’s going to get in Paradise?

Her dad seems to think so, because we then randomly meet him, and he’s hi-larious! Just a regular ol’ dad, telling Tayshia to wear a turtleneck at the beach. And okay, fine, a one-piece bathing suit, but DEFINITELY not a bikini! Ha ha! It’s so funny when men tell women that they can’t make their own decisions over their own bodies!

Tayshia says she’s open to love in Paradise, but does say that she’d been in love with Colton. This is not true. Not even Colton’s winner was in love with Colton. 

Initial Intro: Blake (Becca’s Season)

I was ready to write Blake off as a soulless, philandering fucknut. I’m still not entirely sure I’m not ready to write Blake off as a soulless, philandering fucknut, but this season has had more ups and down than that time I got plastered at a frat party held at a bar and somehow managed to fall onto (and break) a glass table, get bodily dragged into a bathroom by my friends to clean up the blood, make a mad escape from the bathroom with a gigantic shard of said table embedded between my shoulder blades, dance right into the DJ table and stop the music yet still continue wildly dancing, and then run out into the night like a crazed, drunken baboon. 

Anyway, Blake is the epitome of the “We were all rooting for you!” Tyra Banks meme. Blake is one of three men on the entire fucking franchise that I actually adored and rooted for (along with Peter Kraus from Rachel’s season, and of course Tyler C from Hannah’s season). Blake was a bastion of goodness and kindness and defined abs. He adored Becca. He triumphed despite enduring a really fucked up family past and surviving a school shooting. He especially shone bright next to Garrett, the second half of Becca’s Final Two, because Garrett spent his free time smashing that Instagram heart button on posts about the Parkland Shooting victims being paid actors, and posts degrading women, and posts calling all Muslims terrorists, and so on—the man was a regular MAGA Starter’s Kit. 

So, when Becca of course chose Garret over Blake, we were all devastated. We hoped that, if he were to come to Paradise, he would still be the great guy we all saw, and that he would find the great love he seemingly so deserved.

The jury is still out on Blake, but more on that later. For now, we just get to watch him run shirtless in his intro. 

Initial Intro: Katie (Colton’s Season)

Katie is another one I initially couldn’t stand. Not for any particular reason, other than she bored me to tears. The Producers were trying desperately to make Katie happen, what with setting her up as an FBI Double Detective Team (TM) with Demi to sniff out cheaters on Hannah’s season. If only they’d caught more than 1 cheater, given that seemingly everyone that season had ghosted a girlfriend back home to come on the show. 

In beating this dead horse just a little bit more, we of course open with Katie decked out in a trench coat and detective’s hat, spying on our blissfully unawares, blissfully shirtless Blake with a pair of binoculars. She then disappears into nearby bushes, but doesn’t crouch down quite enough, so you can still see the top of her had. 

Back at her apartment, as she shoves an obscene amount of clothes into an already over-stuffed suitcase, she announces that Paradise is gonna be more her jam, and immediately writes Cam off as a match. It’s random, sure, but it’s right. 

Initial Intro: Cam (Hannah’s Season)

Speaking of everyone’s least-favorite unhinged lunatic, Cam bursts on camera and immediately begins rapping. I frantically muted my TV, but the damage had already been done, and my eardrums had bloodily ruptured. Cam is so, so bad that he almost—almost—makes Jed sound like a good singer. Almost.

Cam then screams that he’s bringing “ABC”—aka his horrific self catchphrase “Always Be Cam”—to the beach. This is chilling, because Cam is legitimately fucking insane and shouldn’t be allowed within 100 feet of literally anyone on this planet. Cam is so painfully, insidiously obnoxious that he’s the leading cause of acid reflux among Millennials. 

Initial Intro: Jane (Colton’s Season)

WHO. THE. FUCK. IS. JANE.

After some Katie-style sleuthing, I deduced that Jane was on Colton’s season. I didn’t know this, because she was sent the fuck home on Night 1—she also, inexplicably, went by “Adrianne” on the show—and I don’t believe she got any actual airtime the entire episode.

The Producers should’ve left it at that.

Jane hits somewhere around a 10/10 on the Cam Scale from the moment she jarringly appears on cameras. She opens by part-singing, part-rapping, part-screeching “My name is Jane and I’m anything but plain!” She then tries to show just how un-plain she is by screaming that she loves hot sauce, and then proceeding to dump an entire 2-liter bottle of Sriracha on a plate of unrecognizable food. 

I hate her so much I almost turned off my TV and said to hell with this season. 

Initial Intro: Hannah G (Colton’s Season)

Hannah’s an interesting addition to Paradise. She was well-loved during Colton’s season, mostly because she has no discernible personality. She’s beautiful, quiet, and seemingly kind, and that’s about it. She didn’t partake in any of the drama with the other women—in fact, she never really seemed to do anything with the other women—and that was fine. I mean, I wanted more drama, because I’m a glutton for punishment, but Hannah seemed pretty genuinely good. And, given that A) Cassie couldn’t have been less interested in Colton if she tried, and B) Colton seemed 1000% into Hannah (she got the First Impression Rose, for fuck’s’ sake!) we all thought she’d win the season. But since Colton is the male equivalent of Hannah, of fucking course he chose Cassie—the one that had just dumped him after telling him she didn’t love him and didn’t want to be with him. Ah, romance! 

Since Hannah’s a good person that didn’t deserve her fate, the Producers gleefully open her segment with footage of her getting dumped by Colton all over again. Hooray!

Hannah still seems blandly wonderful, although they’re really setting her up to be The Catch of the season for the ladies. She does add that she “thinks she’s a different woman now,” which I guess maybe being utterly humiliated by a gigantic man-baby virgin on national TV will do for you, but she’s 24 and it’s been, like, 2 months since the season ended, so I’ll wait to see how that one really pans out. 

Initial Intro: Demi (Colton’s Season)

“Hi guys, I’m Demi, from Demi’s season of The Bachelor!” Demi chirps to the cameras, and that’s all you really need to know about Demi. Man, I love this little demon so much, I just want to snuggle her and feed her treats all day every day. Demi is kind of a sociopath, what with her extreme targeting of weaker candidates during her season (see: pretty much causing Elyse to have a nervous breakdown, after repeatedly hammering it into the 31 year old that she was an ancient, decrepit crone) but also kind of the voice of our generation. Demi may lust for blood, but she also regularly spits out one-liners filled with such insight that I’m actually taken aback. 

We get a sneak peek into Demi’s run on the show, and we see her chatting with Hannah B (who of course is going to make an appearance) and confidently, almost nonchalantly, telling the cameras that she was dating a woman prior to Paradise, and that she’s open to love and shutting down labels.

Man, I love her.

Initial Intro: Clay (Becca’s Season)

Clay! He was a kind, adorable addition to Becca’s season, although he got injured early-ish on in a football game date and decided to leave the show. This is because he plays professional football in the NFL and didn’t want to risk further injury. Yeah, take a second to let all of that sink in.

Clay was also on the last season of Bachelor in Paradise, and while he went home without a plus one, he did end up dating Angela from the franchise, who he was, randomly, introduced to by Chris “The Goose” Randone. Their love lasted a full 8 months, which is longer than his career comeback, which I think lasted about 8 days. Anyway, he claims he “had” to end things with Angela, and is now honing in on Nicole, because apparently he’s never seen Nicole on this franchise before. 

Initial Intro: Nicole (Colton’s Season)

Oh, Nicole. Nicole spent the entirety of Colton’s season sobbing. They even dedicated a montage to it during the Women Tell All. She cried so much that I don’t know how she wasn’t hospitalized multiple times for dehydration. When she wasn’t crying, she was pretty much refusing to interact with Colton, and instead spent the rest of her time in screaming fights with Onyeka. I’m not sure what caused literally any of those fights, but my god, were they excruciating to listen to. At one point, the two were locked in such epic battle that they literally ignored Colton as he came over and tried to help, then asked them to stop, and then got up ran away. 

Will Paradise be a better run for Nicole? “It’s a new me!” she exclaims to the cameras, before promptly adding, “who knows how many times I’m going to cry!”

Initial Intro: Chris (All of Them)

If Blake is the sentient equivalent of the “We were all rooting for you!” Tyra Banks meme, then Chris is the equivalent of the “How do you do, fellow kids?” Steve Buscemi meme. At approximately 65 years old, Chris is the oldest contestant to ever be even let onto the grounds of Paradise. I’m not sure how his walker is going to fare in the sand, but I guess we should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Okay so he’s not 65, he’s 32, which A) is 65 in Bachelorverse years, and B) there’s no fucking way he’s 32, because I’m 34 and he looks approximately 31 years older than me, so where do we even go from here.

Anyway, Chris has been on FIVE FUCKING SHOWS IN THIS FUCKING FRANCHISE. He’s been rejected twice on the Bachelorette (Emily’s Season and Andi’s Season), once on Bachelor Pad (Season 3) and twice on Bachelor in Paradise (BiP Seasons 1 and 2). Despite announcing his retirement from the Bachelorverse way back in 2015, here the fuck he is again, because apparently he hasn’t learned from 5 nationally televised humiliations that he’s unlovable. 

And So, Let the Journey Begin

So says a beachside Zaddy Chris Harrison, as though he was queuing up a story of surviving in the wilderness or a particularly harrowing Hobbit-filled quest. Since we just did a bunch of intros, why not do them again, but this time at a Legends of the Hidden Temple-style door to Paradise!

Welcome to Paradise: Hannah G

Up first is Hannah G, who, once she’s allowed inside, excitedly exclaims “I really feel like they’ve blessed these sands with good relationship energy!” I can only assume she’s never once seen an episode of this show. 

Welcome to Paradise: Blake

Blake barrels in next, announcing that Hannah is looking good this season, because we already know that they’re the Paradise equivalent of Prom King and Prom Queen, aka the two everyone is going to lose their mind over dating. Last year it was Tia and Colton, and the year before that it was Dean and Raven. (Secretly I want this season’s dark horse to be Dean’s new ‘70s Porn Star ‘Stache, but I’m not sure I’ll get so lucky.)

Welcome to Paradise: Katie

Katie saunters in next, and tries to rap an intro. What the fuck is it with these vocally challenged contestants trying to warble their way to fame?

Welcome to Paradise: Dylan 

Dylan from Hannah B’s season is in next, and Hannah and Katie promptly lose their minds, basically deciding that as long as one of them gets to bang both Dylan and Blake, they can swap stories and both die happy. 

Welcome to Paradise: Sydney

Joining this ragtag bunch of rejects is, surprisingly, Sydney from Colton’s season. I assumed she wouldn’t ever appear on another Bachelorverse show, given that she confidently ejected herself from Colton’s after realizing she was far too mature/poised/intelligent/good for this franchise, and far too mature/poised/intelligent/good for a stunted, sobbing, endlessly vlogging man-baby like Colton.

But, like with all things Bachelorverse, I shouldn’t be surprised. Just disappointed. 

Welcome to Paradise: Derek

Speaking of disappointing, our next reject is Derek from Jojo’s season and BiP 4. During his first go ‘round in Paradise, he ended up engaged to Taylor Nolan, who’s generally known as one of the worst contestants of all time. Boring, catty, bitchy, and overly dramatic all at once, Taylor basically made Derek into a doormat, keeping him from having fun with anyone else the entire season. Although I’m starting to believe he’s actually a doormat in his day-to-day life, so we shall see. 

Welcome to Paradise: Tayshia

Up next is Tayshia, who Derek immediately hones in on. Tayshia announces she’s “a vibes girl” but I call bullshit, given that she tried to date Colton, whose only vibes were limited to Crying, More Crying, Talking About His Virginity, and Sobbing Whilst Soaping His Nipples in the Shower. 

Welcome to Paradise: Kevin

Kevin, who spent the entirety of his run on Hannah B’s season getting injured in that rugby match I went to, and slapping a plate of chicken nuggets out of Cam’s hands, is the next to join the group. I can only hope that we get black and white Annaliese-style flashbacks of chicken nuggets coming our way in the very near future. 

Anyway, Kevin spends his entire opener talking about how swole he got between seasons. Katie exclaims he looks like a Greek god, but merely having some weirdly puffed biceps does not a Greek god make. The two start flirting, and Kevin tells Katie her romper looks good on her, but also manages to insult all other women by adding on a token Most Women Can’t Pull That Off (TM) backhand while doing so. Because Katie’s bar is set so, so low, she squeals and says how wonderfully sweet Kevin is, and that “she doesn’t deserve this.”

JESUS, WOMEN, YOU ALL NEED TO RAISE YOUR FUCKING STANDARDS. IMMEDIATELY. 

Welcome to Paradise: Wills

Luckily, in next is Wills. WILLS! He was a gem of a man on Becca’s season and on BiP 5, where and sent himself home because Paradise was a cluster. Not sure what they used to entice him back for round 2, but I’ll take it! Wills is one of the only men on this franchise to ever be a kind, considerate human being, and also the only man maybe in existence to be able to consistently pull of a man romper. 

Wills immediately makes a mental beeline for Hannah, but fails to take action, so of course Blake swoops in instead for some flirting. 

Welcome to Paradise: Demi

Up next is everyone’s favorite demon, Demi. Blake says he met Demi at Stagecoach (which is about to become the season’s biggest storyline, so take note) but was super drunk so. Also afraid/intrigued is Derek, who seems really into Demi; I support this, given that she’s going to bite his head off praying mantis-style once they copulate. 

Welcome to Paradise: Onyeka

Joining us next is Onyeka, who stomps out with a megaphone. She did this for most of her run during Colton’s season, so may god have mercy on our souls. She then immediately—with a straight face—says “The thing about me is that I try to avoid drama.” I don’t even know where to begin with this, because while most of us are comprised of roughly 65% water, Onyeka is comprised of 100% drama. 

Welcome to Paradise: Cam

Speaking of mercy on our souls, up next is Cam, decked out in a cheetah-print button-down Hawaiian shirt. Dean’s ‘70s Porn Star ‘Stache is going to have a run for its money. 

“I’m Always BEACH Cam!” He screams wildly, flexing his little noodle arms in the gigantic sleeves of his too-big Hawaiian shirt. 

“My douchebag radar feels someone in the vicinity,” a suspicious Derek says moments later, raising him a few point in my book. 

“Cam has very good taste in bad clothing,” Kevin adds wryly, looking as though he’d like a nice plate of chicken nuggets to slap. 

Cam, oblivious to everyone around him despising him, hones in on the women and immediately starts doing two things: 1) Talking about their boobs, and 2) Discussing what good vessels for his future offspring they’re going to be. Seriously, he’s talking about these women as though they were emotionless, personality-less, faceless (but boob-bedecked) wombs on legs. 

Welcome to Paradise: John Paul Jones

BLESSEDLY John Paul Jones is up next! Clad only in a teeny, tiny, bright blue speedo, he butchers some Spanish to a slightly amused, slightly horrified Chris Harrison, who dubs him “Juan Pablo Jones.” Because JPJ is like, 15 years old and has no idea who the fuck Juan Pablo is, he takes this as a compliment. 

Pleased with his new moniker, JPJ aka JPJ bursts into Paradise literally screaming, sprinting right for the water and intensely shaking his impressive head of hair. JPJ aka JPJ is a national treasure and just be protected at all costs. 

Welcome to Paradise: Chris

Chris shows up for Round 6. Next!

Welcome to Paradise: Jane

WHO. THE. FUCK. IS. JANE.

Our Sriracha-loving, non-plain Jane comes in and starts vocal frying everywhere. What the fuck even is that voice she’s using? Why is she doing this to us? It’s so bad I find myself longing for Krystal’s soothing, dulcet tones. 

Jane is, like, super excited to be there. No one else has any fucking clue who she is or how she got there.

Welcome to Paradise: Annaliese

That’s right, everyone’s favorite glutton for punishment is back! Annaliese is truly a tragic character, but in more of a Tori Spelling way vs. a Juliet Capulet way. Her entire run on Arie’s season was spent having panic attacks over puppies and bumper cars. Literally every single thing on or around the show she had a trauma story for. It became so ludicrous that the interns began creating black-and-white flashback clips for them. 

Annaliese is wonderfully sweet and almost too loyal, but she’s also wholly unprepared for the realities of being on a dating show—especially one as vacuous and cutthroat as Paradise. During her stint on BiP 5, she spent all of her time—you guessed it—panicking over not having a special someone. She threw herself with abandon at any man with a rose, and was routinely humiliated. It’s not that she’s a bad person, it’s just that she’s incredibly awkward, and has incredibly low self-esteem, and wants to basically badger a man into proposing to her within the first hour of their first date. 

She finally ended up “dating” Kamil from Becca’s season during her stint in Paradise. By the time they’d hit the first 15 minutes of their first date, she was basically screaming in joy to the cameras, raving about how she was “now in a relationship” and “now partnered up” and how things “were so great” and sweet Jesus, it was painful. 

But it was nothing compared to how painful it ended up getting. Kamil had 0.0% interest in Annaliese, other than in getting some ass, so he essentially tricked her into fucking him in the Fantasy Suites by saying whatever the fuck it was about getting engaged and being together forever that she wanted to hear.

The next morning, a brilliantly excited Annaliese babbled incessantly on about how they were getting engaged that night, and were going to get married quickly, and were going to have tons of blond-haired, blue-eyed babies. That night, Kamil started with what sounded like a charming speech about getting engaged, but veered crazily off course at the last minute, telling her he just wanted to date instead. 

Okay, fine. But then. When they all got back together for the reunion episode, he let her go on and on and on about how great their relationship was, and how they were going to be together forever, before coldly and cruelly dumping her on live TV.

Fuck Kamil. And honestly, fuck whatever Producers are encouraging Annaliese to put herself through this fresh hell once again. 

Welcome to Paradise: Clay

Clay comes in! The women ogle his muscles. 

Welcome to Paradise: Caelynn

As Caelynn meets up with Zaddy, the cameras cut to a group of bros sprawled out on a daybed, cheers-ing to the fact that there’s been no drama in Paradise yet. Let me remind you that this is approximately 10 minutes into the season. However, the foreshadowing is more than accurate. 

I…don’t know where to begin here. Caelynn was the fourth-runner up from Colton’s train wreck of a season, and is Hannah B’s former nemesis. She’s been through some serious trauma, yet also seems to kind of be full of shit and incredibly manipulative. It’s very difficult to tell with her—especially because, like with all things Hannah B, there was absolutely no substance or information to what the fuck their so-called epic falling out/ensuing rivalry had been about. They both just sort of ominously said “she knows what she did” about each other, and that was it. Fascinating stuff.

Anyway, Caelynn tells Zaddy that she sort of dated (maybe) Blake post-Colton’s season and pre-Paradise, and adds that he sort of…ghosted her/ignored her/told her she was nothing after they fucked the first night of Stagecoach. (Told you this was going to be a thing.) And, to add to this dumpster fire, Blake admitted that he’d fucked Kristina—who was on Arie’s season, and then BiP 5, and is conveniently going to be on this of BiP season as well—the very night before. Oh and also he’d spent all day at Stagecoach flirting with Tayshia, who’s one of Caelynn’s good friends, and they were there together. So…wait, what?

Caelynn finally stops spilling the tea (for now) and joins the group down on the beach. Blake sees her, basically says “oh shit” and then sprints away. 

Fun!

Welcome to Paradise: Bibiana 

I didn’t actually see Bibiana appear on the show, but I’m beginning to think she just spends all of the offseasons lurking around the Bachelorverse filming locations. Bibi is The World’s Best Wingwoman and is also The World’s Most Hopeless Dater. Seriously, she’s somehow even worse than Annaliese. Bibi is kind and funny and loyal and sweet and everything, but she basically refuses to talk to any man within a mile radius. She made it, like, halfway through Arie’s season, and I’m not sure he knew who she was. She was on The Bachelor Winter Games and BiP 5, and while she became a bro of sorts, I don’t think any of the real bros actually realized she was a woman and was there looking for love. 

I want this to be Bibi’s season so, so badly. But I have a feeling that’s not going to happen. 

400 Hours Later

It’s FINALLY time for the show to actually begin. So of course we start with Cam trying to make ABC work in mysterious ways, by shouting that it now means “Always Be Consuming Alcohol!” Because hilarious. Jane, being Jane, eggs him on. I have to fight the urge to chug straight wet cement and choke myself to death just to get away from her. 

Zaddy swoops in to say that the men get the roses to kick things off. In case you’re new to this nightmare, every week either the men get to hand out roses or the women get to hand out roses. Whatever reject is left without a rose is rejected yet again, and sent home in double (or sextuple, if you’re Chris) humiliation. 

So the men get to play executioner first, which means it’s time for the women to lose their fucking minds vying for roses. 

Seemingly unawares of the rules of this game, Annaliese forgoes actually interacting with any men, and instead complains about how Clay isn’t really over Angela. The two women are close friends, and so I can kind of get her being protective, but by all accounts it was a kind if sad breakup, and Clay is one of the least terrible people on this franchise, so let the man fucking be, Annaliese. 

Caelynn tells the cameras she doesn’t want to spill the Blake tea, but then all she does is endlessly spill the Blake tea. Granted it’s just to the cameras for now, but it’s literally the only thing she’s talked about since arriving. 

Blake, oblivious—and completely ignoring Caelynn—gets the first Date Card of the season. He seemingly pretends to debate which woman to take on the date, but then spends 99.99999% of his time all over Hannah G, flirting with her and cozying up to her and yada yada yada. 

So he then of course asks Tayshia on the date.

Tayshia gleefully goes off with Blake, and Hannah is left rather dumbstruck. And so is everyone else around her. 

Two people use this upset to their advantage:

1. Caelynn, who just keeps yammering on about how she needs to tell people about Blake yet ONLY TALKS TO THE CAMERAS AND DOESN’T WARN ANY OF THE OTHER WOMEN, and

2. Dylan, who has googly eyes for Hannah, and swoops right in for some flirty cuddle time

Carnival of Souls

It’s Date Time, people! Our intrepid Blake/Tayshia duo are off to a carnival, which I assume the Producers have entirely set up themselves. There’s lots of twinkling lights and carnival games and bewildered strangers, which is really what a first date should be. They play some games, go drink champagne and toast to second chances, and then promptly begin sucking each other’s faces off in the first randomly placed hot tub of the season. Drink!

Back on the beach, Caelynn is still endlessly complaining about Blake, but has finally opened up to someone—Wells, everyone’s favorite bartender! She adds another layer of this Bachelor in Stagecoach drama, saying that not only did Blake:

• Fuck Kristina the night before Stagecoach, and

• Spend the entire first day of Stagecoach flirting with Tayshia, who was there with her friend Caelynn, and

• Fuck Caelynn the first night of Stagecoach

He also was then DM-ing Hannah G the morning after he fucked Caelynn, while still in bed with Caelynn. Cool! 

Caelynn complains that Blake is ignoring her just to protect his image. To that, Wells sagely replies “The best way to protect your image is not to be a douchebag.”

God, I love Wells. 

Meanwhile, other activities are afoot on the beach:

• Jane continues to be fucking annoying and vocal fry everywhere

• The bros insult Cam to his face

• Demi and Derek inexplicably makeout in a hot tub

• Onyeka gives a rambling comparison of dating to shoes

• Dylan frets about not talking to Hannah more, while not going to talk to Hannah more

• Dylan finally gets some time with Hannah G, and gets to makeout with her then too

• Caelynn rejoins the group and decides to finally spill the tea...to Onyeka. That’s right, the one with the megaphone

I’m so fucking excited for Onyeka to blow this Blake news the FUCK UP! I never  thought I'd use the words "excited for" and "Onyeka" in the same sentence, but hey, the world is a strange place. 

Today I'm Going to Make Blake My Bitch 

Enter: Kristina.

I love Kristina. I love Kristina so fucking much I can’t stand it. She’s so kind, and sweet, and caring, and even-tempered, and yet so fucking badass. She was on Nick’s season, and blew his mind telling him her story of surviving a brutal Russian orphanage and getting herself safely to the States. She ate lipstick to survive, for fuck’s sake! And, since Nick is almost as big of a man-baby as Colton, he promptly sent her home. She then went on BiP5 and got royally fucked over by Dean, and now, apparently, got royally fucked over by Blake as well.

Turns out that she and Blake weren’t just a one night stand—they were dating, at least to some degree of actual commitment and connection, and he pretty much just up and cruelly dumped her out of the blue. 

She explains all of this to Zaddy, who conspiratorially hands her an envelope “full of ammo” all Quentin Tarantino movie-like. I was really, really hoping it was full of deliciously juicy receipts, but instead it’s full of one thing: a Date Card.

This, in and of itself, isn’t much, but in the hands of Kristina, it becomes a live grenade. 

She heads out onto the beach, pretends to be into Blake (riling up most of the others in the process, although there’s a hefty amount of confusion mixed up in there, given that at least a handful of them know about their past) and asks him on the date.

Blake, who’s panicking, still readily agrees. While he’s afraid, he’s also thinking he may get some more ass, and, you know, men. 

As Blake wanders off on the beach towards the others, Kristina remains near the cameras. She then turns, grin widening, and announces: 

“Today, I’m going to make Blake my bitch.”

Until next episode!