Zaddy Chris Harrison claims that this is “the most dramatic season of The Bachelorette ever.” Every former Bachelorette and Nick Viall claim that Hannah is a “spitfire” and “loud and outspoken” and “bold and brave” and a “firecracker.” Mike Fleiss, the creator of the franchise, claims that he didn’t physically assault his pregnant wife.

None of these claims are true. Especially the Mike Fleiss one.

Look, for the first two claims, I get it—I work in marketing. My entire job revolves around the act of making something mediocre seem amazing, and then making people give you money for it. But even the best marketer, at some point, runs into a product so mediocre that it just can’t fucking sell.

Now, I don’t mean a product that’s awful. Awful products sell all the time—that’s part of their charm. But the true death toll here is a product that’s the marketing equivalent of Kansas. Imagine trying to sell Kansas. What would possibly make someone want to go to fucking Kansas? It has nothing interesting, yet also nothing infamous. It’s right in the middle of the country, yet not close to anything of substance. The people aren’t Ivy League scholars, but they’re also not Snookies or Honey Boo Boos. 

Kansas is a sentient yawn. Kansas is the equivalent of a Tuesday morning. Kansas is a date at Red Lobster with a guy named Brad that wears white socks with his JCPenney loafers.

Hannah is a Kansas. Marketing her has been nearly impossible, mostly because she’s just so mediocre. Like yeah, she’s not a meek, timid introvert, but she’s also not a confident, outspoken spitfire. And yeah, she’s a conventionally attractive pageant queen, but she has no real talents, skills, or interests. And okay, she’s got a killer wardrobe, but she pukes off boats and falls down hills and doesn’t know how to give a simple toast. And sure, she…well, that’s actually all I’ve got. 

Despite spending the better part of a year with Hannah, we don’t actually know anything about her. What does she like to do in real life? What are her actual values, goals, and dreams? What does she want to be when she grows up? What hobbies make her heart soar? What does she actually want in a partner?

We don’t know. And this is because Hannah doesn’t know. 

It really made for a hell of a season. Thankfully, it’s finally, finally fucking over.

Let’s dive in.

Straight From the Horses’s Mouth

We open with Chris Harrison shrugging to the cameras and basically saying this entire season has been one gigantic dumpster fire.

I’m not kidding.

Zaddy, because he is an agent of chaos, gleefully continues, telling Bachelor Nation that this finale is rife with lies, betrayals, and cringe-worthy proposals. Is this what meta truly is? Have we broken some kind of reality tv show fourth wall? Has Zaddy finally been reading my tweets?

Before we get any answers, we’re jarringly jolted back to Greece, where Tyler and Neil Lane’s corpse are perusing a stack of tacky rings. This is supposed to be a lovely moment, but instead it brings up even more questions: How is Neil Lane still even functioning? Clearly the man is held up purely on dark magic, but how is it done? And who’s doing it? Have the Producers stumbled upon the Necronomicon? Did someone way back in season one sell their soul? Is this the work of a shower-crashing god?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ll be kept awake for far too many nights pondering these mysteries, because this show has fucking destroyed me.

Anyway, Tyler picks out an ugly ring. I’m disappointed, but the man can’t be perfect at everything. 

Jed also picks out an ugly ring, but that’s unsurprising, as Jed literally could not fucking care less about this ring, or this proposal, or about Hannah in general. 

“I feel like Jed is as honest with me as I am with him!” Hannah squeals to the cameras, her mouth likely still tasting of the puke that she just puked out as she had a panic attack over ending up with Jed.

Honestly, are the Producers just feeding her lines at this point? Does Hannah have any inkling that she’s being majorly, majorly manipulated by everyone around her that she thought she could trust?

Regardless, as she gets into the limo for her final rose ceremony, girl seems about as far from believing her own blather as the Earth is from Pluto. She starts shaking. Her breath starts getting ragged. Her eyes fill with tears. It’s a classic panic attack, and Hannah can’t take it—she makes the limo stop, and goes careening down a neck-breaking hill in gigantic stilettos and a form-fitting dress that restricts her legs. Shockingly, she fucking bites it on the pavement. 

So, to recap, here’s a List of Things That Have Happened When Hannah Contemplates Picking Jed:

• She literally hits rocky waters

• She literally has everything go downhill

Hannah, honey, if there’s a god she doesn’t come to you in the shower—she throws boulder-sized metaphors at your face and hopes you’re not stupid enough to miss them. 

But Hannah is going to miss them. It’s…almost like…a newly 24 year old…isn’t ready to get engaged…to a virtual stranger…on national TV…just weeks after meeting them. 

When we finally get to Ground Zero, Hannah wipes the blood off her palms and elbows and beams at Zaddy. “I’m so excited about today!” She lies, frantic. 

The Proposal: Tyler is Perfect

Well, our worst nightmare has been signed, sealed, delivered: Tyler is the first out of the limo, and we all know what that means. 

Goodnight, sweet prince. 

But not yet. Why would Hannah spare Tyler the pain and embarrassment of starting a proposal on national TV, and then watching it back in front of a live studio audience? By letting him start his real, lovely, genuine, heartfelt proposal, she at least gets to experience a real, lovely, genuine, heartfelt proposal before she picks Jed, the man that only cares about his pathetic music career. ROLL TIDE!

Finally, Hannah forces Tyler to stop and dumps him. She tells him she loves someone else. She’s crying. She knows she’s fucked up. He’s kind, understanding, and compassionate in turn. Because he’s Tyler. And he is perfect. And Hannah has ruined it. Because Hannah will take any and all opportunities to ruin her own happiness.

After the bomb has dropped, Tyler says a loving goodbye and gets into a limo bound for Dumpsville. 

“This feels like a million uppercuts to the gut right now,” he says, beginning to cry. Oh, Tyler, you not-super-smart-but-super-adorable-and-wonderful beacon of joy. You are too pure for this world, and especially too pure for this franchise.

The Proposal: Jed Tries to Further His Music Career 

Hoo boy.

Okay, let’s play a game: What hideously inappropriate, heinously tacky, horrifically selfish schtick is Jed going to pull for his proposal?

Do you know? Of course you know. All together now:

He’s going to bring his guitar and play it while he sings his proposal!

HE’S GOING TO BRING HIS FUCKING GUITAR AND FUCKING PLAY IT WHILE HE FUCKING SINGS HIS FUCKING PROPOSAL!

Of course he is! And of course he did! Because Jed has been here for one thing and one thing only: To further his music career. 

This is the guy that:

• Told Hannah he only went on the show to further his music career. Multiple times.

• This is the guy that cried because Papa Brown wasn’t proud of him for writing a jingle.

• This is the guy that spent his final date with Hannah bitching to her about her dad not being proud of him for writing a jingle.

• This is the guy that forced Hannah to listen to him sing and play his guitar during his Hometown Date.

• This is the guy that inappropriately went to Hannah’s hotel when he wasn’t on a date and began singing and playing his guitar outside her window for attention.

• This is the guy that mentions he’s a musician and a song-writer at literally every single opportunity.

• This is the guy that made sure he sang and played his guitar at the pageant date.

• This is the guy that brought out his guitar and sang to Hannah on Night fucking One.

If this guy could fuck his guitar on screen, he would. If this guy could fellate himself while singing, he would. 

I just can’t fucking get over it. HE PLAYED HIS GUITAR AND SANG HIS PROPOSAL TO HER. 

AND HE CAN’T EVEN FUCKING SING. He’s sharp, he’s flat, he warbles painfully off-key. His rhythm is off. His voice cracks. He’s fucking TERRIBLE. And rather than skillfully play his guitar, he smashes at it and believes that this is satisfactory. I assume he’s the exact same way with a clitoris. 

By the time he’s finally done butchering the proposal, Hannah is crying. I imagine it’s out of pure horror.

“Jed,” she says tremulously, trying not to vomit. Again. “I’ve often wondered why god allowed things to happen in my life the way they did.”

SO DOES ALL OF BACHELOR NATION.

“You’ve challenged me,” she continues, wheezing. “You’ve supported me.”

Hannah provides 0.0% detail re: how Jed has challenged or supported her. In any meaningful way. In any way at all, in fact. Hannah loves tossing around these total non-statements and thinking that those around her will understand, but we can’t, because there’s nothing there. Jed has never challenged or supported Hannah in the slightest. Jed has never done anything for her. Jed has only been here for Jed. Jed is a circle jerk with one participant.

At the end of this nightmare, Jed and Hannah embrace, the former dreaming of American Idol fame, the latter dreaming of whatever the hell it is she could get out of a marriage to an unattractive, untalented hack.

“We’re getting married!” Jed exclaims to the camera, as Hannah flashes her ring.

Narrator: They Were Not, In Fact, Getting Married 

Sometimes, god works in mysterious ways. Especially a god as nebulous as the one we’ve been focusing on this whole season. This season, god is a shower voyeur that tells dudes to keep their dicks in their pants. This season, god is a benevolent matchmaker focused solely on fulfilling the romantic whims of a pageant queen. This season, god is a wrathful god that shames women that have premarital sex. This season, god is a liberal god that encourages non-married women to get freaky in windmills. This season, god is an excuse to punish one’s self. This season, god is a beacon of feminist self-empowerment.

Regardless of these jarring, illogical differences, I have to say one thing: at the end of the day, this god, I’d like to think, took a little pity on us. I mean, it utterly, utterly humiliated Hannah first, but in the end, something good came from it.

And isn’t that just the thing with all representations of god? It fucks with you hardcore, and then rewards you in the end. Unless it’s an Old Testament god, and then you’re probably still fucked, even when you think you’re safe. Especially when you think you’re safe

What the fuck am I talking about again?

Oh, yeah. So we end the final Rose Ceremony with a Jed/Hannah engagement. Hurrah! We’re then treated to a several-minute-montage of how clearly in love they are. They jump on furniture! They play some weird version of patty cake that involves more flailing than strictly necessary! There’s zero chemistry! They make a vlog! (That Jed SHOCKINGLY—and I say that seriously—didn’t sing in!) This is what a stunted, religiously damaged pseudo-child thinks a real adult relationship is, I guess.

And that’s the extent of their relationship. Because Hannah finds out about Jed’s ex literally the next day.

I have to say, I genuinely feel awful for Hannah. She's so misguided and confused and self-sabotage-y, but she does not, in ANY WAY, deserve this horrible bullshit. More of this horrible bullshit. 

In stark contrast to all of the furniture jumping and potentially dangerous clapping games, we’re then treated to a teary-eyed, clearly upset Hannah who’s about to confront Jed for his cheating, lying, scumbagging ways. It’s a few weeks after filming wrapped. I have no idea where they are—I assume they just broke into an empty apartment somewhere in West Hollywood. 

Jed comes in, looking solemn. This isn’t because he’s devastated that he deeply hurt and humiliated the woman he just proposed to—this is because he’s angry that he’s been discovered as a lying, cheating bastard. This will make selling his shitty music so much more difficult! 

Hannah, to her credit, directly confronts Jed and drills him about his bullshit. She wants answers, and she wants answers now.

Jed’s answers?

• He was dating his ex, but they weren’t exclusive

• He didn’t tell her that they weren’t exclusive, he just assumed she knew

• He was dating multiple other women at the same time

• He went on vacation with his ex while seeing other people

• Twice

• His ex met his family

• He met his ex’s family

• He told his ex he loved her

• Multiple times

• He and his ex talked about moving in together and looked at apartments

• He told his ex he was coming on the show just to further his music career, despite having claimed that he never told his ex ahead of time that he was coming on the show

• He had a bunch of women over his apartment after getting engaged to Hannah but he didn’t know them

• But there were pictures of him frolicking with the women and throwing them in the pool

• That he only admitted to Hannah after he realized she knew the truth

• That he was bragging to people that he “won” the Bachelorette, rather than telling them how excited he was to get to marry the woman he loved

What a CATCH!

The entire time, he shows:

• No genuine emotion

• No genuine care

• No genuine remorse

• No genuine concern

• No genuine sorrow

• No genuine guilt

This is because he’s a lying, cheating, manipulative bastard that cares only about himself. He's every stupid romcom villain, but like, real.

Hannah, ready to beat his pathetic face into an even-more-pathetic pulp, throws her hands up and says she should’ve listened when Jed’s family tried desperately to tell her not to date their fuck-up of a son/brother/whatever. 

“I see now that I’ve made a mistake,” Jed says robotically. Yeah, now that he’s getting called out on national TV for being a pus-filled sac of fuck, he’s suddenly realized the error of his ways. Narcissism at it’s finest, people. 

“I need grace and patience from you now,” he then LEGIT TRIES TO GASLIGHT HER WITH. 

Jed. Oh, Jed. Let me tell you a little something.

You don’t get to gaslight women. You don’t get to cheat on women. You don’t get to manipulate and emotionally abuse women. You don’t deserve respect. You don’t deserve a second chance. You don’t deserve anything other than a good…what was it that Tyler said? Ah, yes—you deserve a million uppercuts to the guts, you spineless, selfish, untalented fuck. 

Goodnight, sweet prince of darkness.

Back in the Studio: More Inappropriate Attention for Terrible Men (But Also, Finally, Something Good)

Bachelor Nation, do you think—do you really think—that this show will ever be capable of not abusing their female leads? Will there ever be a time where they put their female leads first? Where they genuinely care about the health and wellbeing of their female leads? Where they don’t gleefully subject them to more abuse by trotting out the men that just abused them, in turn giving more attention and focus to the abusers, which is exactly what these abusers want?

Even if you tremulously hope there is, that time is not now.

Enter: Hannah. 

She’s slaying her outfits once again, and she does drop the gem that she and Jed officially broke up over the phone, but this means nothing because the Producers think it would be cool to force Hannah to spend even more time with the man that just emotionally abused, manipulated, and gaslit her. 

Enter: Jed.

No one fucking claps. That’s gratifying, at least. But the feeling doesn’t last long, because Jed is still a robotic, emotionless fuck that couldn’t give a genuine apology if his life depended on it. He shows zero remorse, zero guilt, zero shame, zero regret, zero compassion, zero care, zero self-awareness, zero love, zero interest, zero genuine anything. He admits—yet the fuck again—that he only came on the show to further his music career, and he had NO thoughts of even remotely falling in love.

And then he leaves. And there’s only 15 minutes left. Bachelor Nation is in agony. Is Tyler going to come out?? Are he and Hannah going to get together?? Are they already together?? Can this possibly happen in 15 minutes??

And that’s when this season’s god finally gets it right. Sort of.

Out, blessedly, comes Tyler. Hannah giggles like a schoolgirl. Which she was, like, a year ago. They flirt. The audience eats it up like the souls of horrible men they’ve slayed. Zaddy asks if there’s anything still there between them. They both say yes. Hannah explicitly yammers on about wanting someone to BE BOLD, DAMNIT. Tyler is not bold. Tyler does nothing, other than smolder sexily and smile. Hannah asks him for a drink. He says yes!

AND THAT’S IT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I guess Tyler and Hannah are going to give it a go. I want those two crazy kids to make it work. I need those two crazy kids to make it work. My heart is one step above the small, shriveled, angry heart of the Grinch pre-Whoville exposure, and I’m not sure how much more can it take.

I’d pray to god for some goodness, but I’m afraid god would come to me in the shower and start lecturing me about all of the dumb fucking decisions I’ve made in the past, what with all of the dumb fucking I’ve done with dumb fucks. 

Until next season!