Bachelor in Paradise S06 E02: The Curious Case of Caelynn

If the theme of Paradise’s Night 1 Premiere was Stagecoach, then the theme of Paradise’s Night 2 Premiere is Beating A Dead Stagecoach to More Death with a Grenade-Laced Mace. I don’t remember being more excited for, yet more dreading, an episode since the finale of Becca’s season and all of Colton’s season and also all of Hannah’s season.

But this Shakespearean-style tragedy is still unfolding, and no one’s entirely sure what roles each of the players are truly playing:

Is Blake a soulless, philandering fucknut or a dumb-as-a-stump man-child that has no idea his dick games have consequences?
Is Caelynn a jilted lover whose heart was cruelly broken, or is she a manipulative and gleefully evil gremlin that will do anything for a moment in the spotlight?
Are Hannah G and Tayshia innocent bystanders in the Blake Dick Debacle, or are they in-the-know insiders with better poker faces than any of us could’ve predicted?
Is Kristina a brave, strong, sassy badass who deserves better than anything this show could possibly offer, or is she a brave, strong, sassy badass who deserves better than anything this show could possibly offer? Okay so that one we know, but still.

We open with Onyeka, of course, catching us all up on the Blake Dick Debacle. For those of you that haven’t caught up/are confused/scrubbed your brain after the premiere in a futile attempt to forget you watched this mess, here’s a quick recap:

Blake had some sort of relationship with Kristina prior to Paradise
Blake fucked Kristina the night before Stagecoach
Caelynn and Tayshia attended Stagecoach together
Blake met up with Caelynn and Tayshia at Stagecoach
Blake spent the day flirting with Tayshia
At some point Blake meets Demi
Blake fucks Caelynn that night
The next morning, while Caelynn is still in Blake’s bed, he’s busy DM-night Hannah G

If you’re confused, same. If you’re grossed out, also same.

While Onyeka is screaming all of this at the cameras, Blake readies for his upcoming date with Kristina by attempting to manipulate the harem of women around him. He hunts down Tayshia and tells her that this is just a date with Kristina, and that he had still had fun with her the night before. Damage control, baby.

Tayshia doesn’t seem to be bothered too much by all of this, and sort of just nods and waves him off.

In the background, Caelynn begins spilling the tea to Sydney.

“I feel the drama in the air today,” Hannah G says with apparent glee. It’s the single-most entertaining thing she’s ever said.

But Did You Even Change the Sheets In Between?

It’s time for the big Blake/Kristina date! Kristina looks positively chipper, and Blake attempts to look chipper, but given his clear anxiety about this situation, is acting more like he just snorted 6 lines of coke.

The two go ATV-ing, and sadly Kristina doesn’t shove him out the door as they barrel around the side of a very steep cliff, but she does lure him into a cozy little chat once they’re (unfortunately) away from any falling hazards.

She immediately begins drilling him about the way he treated her, and how he basically up and ghosted her after acting like things were great and they were going to be a real couple. Oh, and how he fucked Caelynn the night after he fucked her.

Blake does a great impression of an agitated blowfish, trying to look shocked—just shocked, I tell you!—that Kristina could possibly be so confused by the end of their relationship (or whatever the fuck it was) and be upset that he fucked her and another woman back-to-back. Figuratively speaking.

Blake tells Kristina that they both decided they want too far in sleeping with each other, and then adds that they both wanted to end the relationship. This is news to Kristina, as she had decided nothing of the sort. So kind for Blake to speak for her, and tell her how she felt!

“I know I made my bed,” Blake says, attempting to sound contrite.

“But did you even change the sheets in between?” Counters our Queen.

Look, relationships can be messy. They can be confusing. Two people can think they’re on the same page, when they may as well be in the first A book and the last Z book of the encyclopedia.

(For any Gen Z folk reading this recap, an encyclopedia was approximately 25 dusty books, each weighing 15 pounds, that some poor schmuck hawked on your doorstep, back when people actually answered a knock at their door. Your grandparents somehow always ended buying the full collection, and assumed that you would one day sit down and read the entire thing, which consisted of basically all known-knowledge of the time, listed in alphabetical order. If that sounds terrible, it was.)

Anyway, so the problem here isn’t just that Blake and Kristina are on wildly different pages—it’s that Blake refuses (or is unable) to understand in literally any way, shape, or form that his behavior towards women is unacceptable. Yes, yes, he’s single and can play the field, but he’s playing a field consisting of a bunch of friends and coworkers, and he’s lying about it along the way.

This is expanded upon when Blake tells Kristina she’s “immature” for being upset about him sleeping with her and then bailing for her future coworkers. Kristina, somehow, restrains herself from throttling him.

Regardless of where things shake out for Blake, this much is true—he’s being a fucking asshole to Kristina, and exhibiting some real fucking gaslighting behavior.

Stagecoach: The Reckoning

A dejected Blake heads back to the beach post-date, and figures now is the time to probably do some actual damage control and get ahead of the Caelynn situation before it, too, comes back to bite him in the ass. Of course he says this after a solid day of pretending like Caelynn wasn’t two feet away from him.

“Oh! Caelynn! Hey, you're here! So weird! I didn't get to talk to you cause I was busy! So weird! Totally not trying to get ahead of the storm here! At all!” Is essentially what he says, while she rolls her eyes so aggressively I was concerned they were going to shoot right out of her head.

He then pulls the same gaslighting bullshit on Caelynn that he just tried to pull on Kristina, questioning why she’s so sad because they agreed to be just friends, and how could she possibly get mad at him for, in not so many words, chewing and screwing.

BUT.

Here’s where things get dicey. As this as airing, Blake—clearly in a bad place—started yammering on Instagram about how he had the text receipts to prove his innocence in the Caelynn drama, and that he was going to share them via Insta Story. Which he did. And the receipts? Well, they certainly painted a very, very different picture of what happened that fateful night.

See for yourselves:

So, then, it’s not entirely out of the question that Blake’s take on this actually was legit—and that his response to Caelynn was (minus the whole ignoring her thing) appropriate.

Same with his reaction after Caelynn did lots of crying, yelling, and riling up of the other contestants. Caelynn insisted he had hurt her and screwed her over; that they had discussed something between them, but he’d used her and immediately dumped her; that she was heartbroken and entirely lead on. When she finally got up and stormed off, Blake put his head in his hands and freaked out. “That was insane,” he says, words muffled by his own flesh. “I had no idea that she...oh my god.”

And he might be telling the truth. If that night was anything like those texts imply—and why wouldn’t they, unless he’d doctored them, and Caelynn never said anything of the sort—then Blake had it right. And Caelynn is manipulating the fuck out of him to get the spotlight directly shone on her—something heavily, heavily discussed during Colton’s season, when some of the women accused her and Cassie of trying to manipulate the show so that one of them would be the winner, and one of them would be the next Bachelorette.

Or: Could Blake be in on it, having decided that the drama is worth it all? Is he really that good of an actor?

I don’t know. Not yet.

Let’s continue.

Stagecoach: The Fallout

Regardless of where things really stand, one thing’s for certain: the ladies of Paradise are piiiiiiiiiissed at Blake.

Back on the beach, they discuss.

“Damn, now Blake’s not an option for anybody,” Katie says, over it.

“Blake is a LOSER,” Demi agrees wholeheartedly. “Blake has had sex with everyone on this beach right now,” she continues. “Maybe even Chris Harrison!”

Tayshia, to her credit, is suitably fucking horrified. “To be quite honest with you, Blake just lost me,” she says, as they all cheers.

“Blake is the fucking worst, amirite?” (ABC)

Of course Blake remains entirely unaware of the situation, or how he contributed to it. Regardless of the current Caelynn issue, you’d think the guy would maybe—MAYBE—think about his part in this. For even, like, a second. Just one. That’s all we ask.

But alas, he does not.

The next morning, as our contestants drag their alcohol-laden bodies out of bed, Demi appears on screen as chipper and buoyant as only a summoned demon can.

“The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing—it’s gonna be a good day,” she chirps, an evil grin curling at her lips.

And indeed it is a good day. Not for 90% of our contestants, mind you, but for all of the slavering drama lovers in Bachelor Nation. First up is the endless Hannah Parallelogram, which grows by the minute as new recruits are shipped into Paradise.

On the beach, Dylan moons, all puppy-like, over Hannah. Like yes, Dylan is precious and must be protected, but also, you’re in Paradise and the entire premise of this show is to hook up with as many people as you can, so why is he so sad all the goddamn time?

I get it that he likes her. He even told everyone that the only reason he came onto Paradise was for Hannah. The cast seems to find this adorable and wonderfully endearing, but I gotta say, it’s fucking weird and it makes me feel uncomfortable. This could be because I’m unable to accept genuine emotion, per my therapist, BUT I just think that this level of obsession—over someone you’ve never met before—is kinda creepy. Remember last season’s homage to this fine art, Luke P? Yeah.

Anyway, I guess watching Hannah constantly making out with other dudes has to get to you eventually.

Enter: Wills.

He makes a beeline for Hannah for some canoodling and a quick makeout sesh. Hannah seems momentarily smitten, even when Wills tells her she’s “a real dope broad.” Wills, I love you, but you need something a little less Nondescript ‘50s Businessman Hitting On His Gal Friday opener there, bud.

Afterwards, Hannah goes off to find Dylan, and decides she should bestow a little attention on our kicked-puppy-looking friend. And by attention, I mean making out. In between liplocks, Hannah admits that she just macked it with Wills—“Honesty is the best policy!”—she chirps. Dylan, looking like he’s being stabbed with that grenade-laced mace, chokes out an “It’s okay, it’s cool that you want to explore things with other guys. It’s what we’re here for! I accept it.”

Because Dylan is an idiot.

Elsewhere on the beach, Nicole and Tayshia ogle Clay as he aggressively pumps iron by the shore. I really hope he brought those 50-pound free weights to the beach himself, packing them each into separate checked luggage.

Nearby Bibi, our Wing Woman Extraordinaire and Utter Dating Failure also ogles, dreaming of a life with our well-muscled former NFL-er. Bibi does, I think, at least talk to Clay briefly, but then spends the rest of her time whining to Wells about how she’s still single and keeps striking out in the Bachelorverse.

Bibi. Honey. I love you. I really do. But you NEED TO INTERACT WITH MEN AND FLIRT WITH MEN AND GET TO KNOW MEN IF YOU WANT TO GET A MAN. You’re literally transported to a magical land of only alcohol and bad decisions, with a bevy of dumb bros all looking for love. None of us get that. This is a special heaven-like experience for you, and you need to TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT, DAMMIT.

Of course the cameras then cut to Clay and Nicole cuddling, and when a Date Card mysteriously appears for Clay, he immediately offers it up to Nicole. Bibi, despondent, has Wells whip up yet another Bahama Mama for her. Annaliese, sensing that she should get involved in something she literally has no place being in, runs out onto the sand.

She immediately corners Clay, acting like a rabid Maltese. Girl is cute and tiny, but good lord, the yappiness and the endless anxiety anger. She angrily tells the cameras that Clay told Angela he wanted to marry her, but that he needs some time to get his head on straight.

“I’m tired of guys saying one thing, and not following through,” she snaps at Clay, confronting him over this apparent debacle.

“You’re misinformed,” Clay tells her cooly, looking like he’d prefer to drown himself in the shallow waters, rather than spend a second more with Annaliese.

“I saw the text messages,” she insists, thinking she’s going in for the kill.

“NO,” Clay says, pulling himself together and attempting to leave the situation.

Annaliese, because she’s mature and understanding and knows her place, rudely throws Clay’s football failures in his face. Clay, having had enough, turns and stalks off.

Look, normally I’m all for the endless loyalty between female friends. We need this, ladies! We need to have each other’s backs, what in today’s world of Tinder and its ilk. It’s a scary time out there, and we know it.

But.

There are some people on this planet—like Annaliese—that just don’t understand boundaries. I’m not saying Clay didn’t break Angela’s heart, but he’s been incredibly open and seemingly honest about it from the get-go. He’s talked about how painful and hard it was to break it off, and how he cares about her so much, but that it wasn’t right and he needed to move on.

And Annaliese is that friend that just goes ahead and fills in the blanks, less a misguided knight in shining armor. What probably happened is that Angela said “Clay really broke my heart,” and Annaliese decided that meant “Clay manipulated me into believing we were going to get married, then disappeared into the night, then said he’d work on us, but then left for good, leaving me heartbroken.”

Even if Angela corrected her, Annaliese so firmly believes her own version of events now, that there’s no going back.

Carnivals are the New Hot Tubs

Luckily for everyone but Annaliese, it’s finally time for Clay and Nicole’s big date! Which, like Tayshia and Blake’s date, also takes place at a carnival. Because why would the Producers put any effort into any of this bullshit?

And, of course, there are fireworks.

At the least, there’s also a rodeo of sorts going on, so sure. The two wander aimlessly around, then discuss Angela, and then smooch a lot. Clay declares to the cameras that Nicole is going to get his rose at the Rose Ceremony, which is supposed to be this episode, but we all know will get dragged to next episode.

Back on the beach, the gang discusses the day’s fall out.

“Annaliese needs to stay in her lane, because there may not be a worse judge of character when it comes to men than Annaliese,” says Demi, once again fucking nailing it.

Blake, meanwhile, is off crying. Since I’m so torn about him and his part in all of this, i just don’t know how to feel. If Caelynn really fucked with him, I feel badly for him. But he’s also being such an idiot, and through gaslighting around far too willy-nilly. In the end, I’m just not sure I can muster up the enthusiasm to really care.

The Rose Ceremony Begins

Zaddy gathers our rabble of rejects to announce that the Rose Ceremony is almost here! Which means its time for our ladies to go lose their fucking minds in an effort to get a rose from a bro they can barely stand. Whatever keeps them around so they can sink their claws into something better, baby!

First to lose her mind is Caelynn, who seems to think making out with Cam is a good fucking idea. Look, I get that Caelynn may or may not be evil, and is likely one of the best manipulators in this franchise’s history, but she’s also not stupid. Making out with Cam is like Clarice Starling making out with Buffalo Bill to get an A in one of her Quantico courses. It makes no fucking sense, it puts her in needless danger, and it puffs up the ego of a sociopath endlessly wrapping himself in swathes of wildly patterned fabrics.

“It puts the lotion on its skin!” I can practically hear Cam shout into Caelynn’s mouth.

Juan Pablo Jones and Onyeka next makeout on a daybed, and honestly, I’m shocked. They’re making the unlikeliest twosome that Paradise has ever seen, and yet I’m weirdly here for it. Their entire relationship would consist of Onyeka screaming cute nothings at him from megaphones, and JPJ endlessly shaking his hair and making eyes at her.

Annaliese then swoops in on Chris, figuring he’s even more of a reject than she is, so he can’t possibly turn her down! They make out for a bit, until Kristina saddles over and steals a relieved-looking Chris from Annaliese’s clutches.

Angry at her prize being stolen, and yet being psychotically over-confident about her newfound love, Annaliese wanders over to Bibi and makes more of a mess of things, per usual.

As Bibi cries about once again not finding love, Annaliese tells her...”I’m just lucky that I had a connection with someone,” as thought throwing her newfound love in Bibi’s face is the kind of comforting she needs right now. Bibi googles at her a bit, but again, Bibi shouldn’t be surprised—Annaliese and her complete disconnect from reality is a running theme on this franchise.

Jane, feeling like she needs to do something more to stay relevant, promptly poisons JPJ. No, seriously. She makes—and who let her near a stove??—a plate of spicy tacos for our perfectly coiffed king, which he promptly eats and then vomits back up. Repeatedly. Like, all over the beach. Jane cries to the cameras that she’s poisoned JPJ but didn’t mean to, as we repeatedly cut to scenes of JPJ puking from one end of Paradise to the other.

Wills makes a beeline for Hannah, but to her credit, she reluctantly tells him she’s feeling it with Dylan and doesn’t want him to waste his rose on her, and that she needs to go back and makeout with Dylan now instead. Unfortunately, this is thwarted by the arrival of Blake, who whisks Hannah away, telling her he “has a surprise for her.” The “surprise” is a makeout session on a bed on the beach he didn’t buy or set up. Romantic! Hannah seems entirely uninterested, before promptly sucking face with him.

Then, of course, the episode then just up and ends right there.

Until next week!

Hi.

Aug 13 Bachelor in Paradise S06 E02: The Curious Case of Caelynn