The Bachelorette S15 E09: Comedians in Cars with Condoms
I don’t often wish for death, but I found myself wishing for it’s sweet, sweet release no less than 85 times this episode.
Somehow, we’re at Hometowns, and I still have absolutely zero idea what Hannah wants or who Hannah is. Which seems fitting, given that Hannah also has no idea what Hannah wants or who Hannah is.
Watching her attempt to play grownup with our Final Four is so exhausting it causes clinical narcolepsy. It doesn’t help matters that two of our remaining bros are horrific assholes that literally have 0.0% interest in Hannah whatsoever. But Hannah doesn’t see that, because Hannah can’t seem to understand literally anything.
I think her brain works similarly to my dog’s. I imagine this is what she thinks of whenever she sees our remaining bros:
Tyler: Pretty, kind
Peter: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Jed: Windmills
Luke: Rage, but abs
That’s about as much insight into these relationships that I can possibly muster, because honesty, there’s nothing there with any of them. Sure, Tyler is the best of the bunch, but Tyler literally carries the entire relationship, so that doesn’t even count. I feel like I could fill a book with what I know about Tyler’s past, his present, his feelings, his desires, his family, his hopes; with Hannah, I could maybe—maybe—fill the head of a pin.
If this isn’t exciting you, fret not—it gets even worse.
Let’s dive in.
Hometown 1: Peter Flies the Friendly Skies in Westlake, CA
Look, I don’t hate Peter. He just reminds me of a burst can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls come to life. In this season’s Pilot Showdown, I’m still firmly #TeamChasen.
Anyway, we kick things off in Westlake, CA, which is like, around the corner from the Bachelor Mansion. In fact, Peter takes Hannah for a jaunt in a tiny death airplane, and at one point they fly right over the mansion. Hello, wasted dreams!
“Let’s see if we can crash this bad boy!” (ABC)
But before that, Peter super excitedly announces he has something to show Hannah. Turns out it’s…a Mercedes! Because white people.
As our intrepid duo speed along the highway, Hannah decides it would be fun to dig through Peter’s center console. Ah, there’s nothing so cute as invading someone’s privacy.
And speaking of which, what is it that our dashing heroine finds? Why, a condom! Of course!
Peter laughs it off. Ha! How awkward. Now we totally know that he’s definitely done the sex. With at least one real live woman!
At Peters Haus, we’re introduced to even more sexiness. That’s right, his entire family sings a whole bunch of songs in very, very, very loud German! His seemingly 10-year-old brother grills Hannah! His dad cries! A lot!
Somehow, it was even more horrifying than it looks (ABC)
“I’m going to like, challenge you to open up to me,” Hannah delightedly tells Peter, as his family weeps in the background. You’d think Peter would’ve already opened up a significant amount, considering he’s made it this fucking far, but c'est la vie.
At one point Peter—because he’s a big boy and probably proudly tells people he’s 27 and a half—admits to his mother that he loves Hannah.
He’s too scared to tell Hannah this, of course, but that’s beside the point.
Mama Peter tells Hannah she’s concerned about how head over heels he is for her, given that Hannah’s dating three other men at the moment. Hannah sort of shrugs and nods. I’m so fucking bored that I chug my entire glass of Pinot Grigio.
We end with Peter fretting about not revealing his true feelings to his beloved. In the distance, his father still cries.
Hometown 2: Tyler Attends a Beach Bonanza in Jupiter, FL
Ah, Tyler. The only good thing about this entire episode. Maybe the only good thing about this entire season, with the exception of Mike (#RIP).
We open with him gushing about how excited he is for Hannah to meet his family—especially his father. If you remember, Tyler’s father had been so sick he nearly died not too long ago, and Tyler had taken over as his health proxy and had to do some real growing up real fast.
His enthusiasm for his family is contagious, and I find myself all in. The fact that he was shirtless for the beginning of the date may have also played into things, but details.
Hannah and Our Lord and Savior zoom around on a boat and canoodle in the crystal clear waters of southern Florida. Tyler excitedly points out the house he grew up in, while balancing things with an open, honest discussion about the struggles his family went through—and overcame. Collectively, the entirety of Bachelor Nation melts.
I take back everything i've ever said about this show—you CAN fall in love with someone in 6 weeks. I know this, because I am in love with Tyler. I LOVE YOU, TYLER. CALL ME.
Before they meet the family, our sun-kissed couple check out a not-at-all-staged concert on the beach. Hannah sprints on stage and rocks out with all the grace and agility of a 55-year-old dad. I had to triple check that she wasn’t wearing white New Balance sneakers while she was up there.
At Chateau de Tyler, we meet our newest Bachelor—Tyler’s dad! Honestly, the cutest, sweetest, most authentic relationship of this entire season is the relationship between Tyler and his dad. They’re fucking adorable. And they feel fucking authentic. And on a season like this, authenticity feels like a water-filled oasis in a very dry, very hot, very vicious desert.
At the end of the night, Tyler tells Hannah he’s falling in love with her and sends her on his way. But wait! He wants a few more minutes, so he ambushes the customary black SUV he just stuffed Hannah in, and jumps in to make out with her for a bit.
This is how Peter thinks sex works (ABC via @wishful_wink)
Ladies, get yourself a Tyler.
Hometown 3: Luke P Holds a Godly Court in Gainesville, GA
Um.
Look, I wish I could forget Luke’s hometown date. I wish I could forget Luke in general, but unfortunately, no higher power has bestowed such abilities upon me yet.
Luke’s date is nothing more than pure propaganda. I literally can’t believe this guy isn’t the pastor of some mega church that spends his days bilking congregants out of their money, corrupting the teachings of Jesus, and slut-shaming women for, I don’t know, revealing their ankles while he’s regularly having affairs.
At any rate, he’s well on his way to this glorious future, as evidenced by the utter bullshit we begin with.
First, we open with Hannah saying “Through all the drama, I’ve seen the good. Luke is so complex!”
This is true! Luke is definitely complex. He has a plethora of layers, including:
Psychopathy
Gaslighting
Emotional abuse
Religious fanaticism
Manipulation
Schizophrenic hallucinations
Yay, Hannah finally got something right!
When she meets up with Luke out in a field or something, he tells her that every Sunday before church, he and his friends have Sunday School! Fun!
Apparently his version of Sunday School is some bizarre Town Hall forum consisting of a handful of Millennials and a ton of Boomers. In full Hypocrite Mega Church Leader (TM) fashion, Luke gets up and starts talking about the Before Days, when he slayed, like, a ton of pussy.
“I was entangled and caught up in sins of all kinds,” he says, getting all fire and brimstone-y. It’s super cute, and totally super stable.
“Mmm, I LOVE hypocrisy!” (ABC)
I never paid much attention at my own Hebrew School, but I know a false idol when I see one. Rather than the Israelites’ golden calf, here we have Hannah’s golden calves. Two muscled attention grabbers that serve only one purpose—to distract and derail and control. Who says religion can’t be fun??
We then blessedly escape this twisted town hall for the Mega Church of Luke. That relief is short lived, of course. I can only explain his family as the family from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Gathered together, they gaze adoringly at their psychotic, abusive, completely unhinged son, and can’t possibly fathom why anyone would have even a small problem with him.
Minus his great-grandma, who gives intense side-eye to Luke the entire time. Great-grandma knows.
“It’s been a ride with your son. I’m glad I’m here, but wooooo!” Hannah says, beginning to sweat as the tiny sliver of her that knows just how horrific Luke is bubbles to the surface.
“Oh no, trust me, he’s fucking crazy” (ABC)
Collectively, his family shrugs. “He’s one of a kind!” his mother insists cheerfully. I’ll give her that—there’s only one antichrist, after all.
At the end of the night, Luke tells Hannah (and anyone that’ll listen) that he loves her, and then gleefully announces that they’re “finally back on track.”
Rather than listening to those alarm bells, Hannah—of fucking course—is beside herself with delight.
“I’ve fallen in love with him. I’m falling in love with him. Yeah, I’m falling in love with Luke,” she squeals.
You know, it’s kind of amazing how many forms psychosis can take.
Hometown 4: Jed Auditions for American Idol in Knoxville, TN
After the (latest) Luke debacle, I am not in the mood for Jed. It’s like pouring acid directly on a massive, gaping wound. The only saving grace here is that Jed isn’t quite as bad as Luke.
Which isn’t to say he isn’t insufferable, and abusive, and manipulative, and misogynistic, and awful. It’s just that, unlike Luke, he’s probably not going to murder someone some day.
Anyway, we kick things off with—guess. Just guess. Did you guess “at a music studio listening to Jed sing?” Then you guessed correctly!
“Huh, ‘I’m only here for my music career’ doesn’t really rhyme with ‘love’ does it?” (ABC)
That’s right, the guy who admitted to Hannah that he only came on the show to further his music career decides to spend his hometown time putting on a show to further his music career.
You know, Jed's horrifically fake, manipulative attempt to pretend he's here for Hannah while he's just trying to further his music career would be a MUCH easier pill to swallow if he could actually fucking sing.
“I love you. I can feel it,” he tells her, eyes dancing with dreams of Grammy Awards.
With their eardrums suitably punctured, our depressing duo toddle off to Casa de Jed, where things get messy, fast.
“Here’s to everyone sticking to their gut and intuition every day. When you listen to your truth…” his mom warbles, giving a toast. I miss the rest of what she said because I was too busy finishing my second bottle of wine.
At first I thought his family was as hilariously—wait, I mean horrifically—clueless as Luke’s, but then I realized that might be some thinly veiled warning to Hannah. Throughout the night, his parents and sister seem more and more concerned about Hannah putting all her eggs in a Jed basket.
His mother and sister in particular seem worried, repeatedly mentioning that Jed’s always been completely focused on his music career (what music career?) and that they’re surprised he’s going this far. Which is also, interestingly enough, what his girlfriend said.
Hannah sort of seems to pick up on this.
“Does it worry you that, like, his career hasn’t completely taken off yet?” She asks his mother, although she sounds far less concerned than she should.
Jed’s mother all but screams “Yes, yes, a thousand times less!”
Hannah seems thoughtful. “I’m falling in love with him, but…” she says, slowly, with effort. “Either our relationship or his music will suffer.”
I pray that it’s a turning point, but it is not. Of fucking course it is not. At the end of the night, the two squeal about their feelings, and everything is just fucking awful.
The Rose Ceremony
Back at the Bachelor Mansion, Hannah once again slays her outfit choices—this time in an emerald green number—but also fails any and all trials of maturity and good judgment with gusto.
“Going into the Rose Ceremony feels like an impossible situation,” she laments, because, once again, she’s a fucking disaster.
Blessedly, after only like, 4 solid minutes of fretting with Zaddy, Hannah takes a deep breath and calls our bros to attention.
The Rose Winners
Sweating like a dry wall facing an angry Luke, Hannah tremulously calls her first two safe suitors:
Peter the Pilot
Tyler our Lord and Savior
I’m slightly bitter that Peter got the first rose, but that doesn’t matter, because there’s only one rose left, which means finally—FINALLY!!!—either Luke or Jed are going home! It’s about fucking time, for fuck’s sake. This is the first smart decision Hannah’s made the entire season, and it’s so glorious that I began weeping.
Taking a deep breath, Hannah gathers her confidence, looks cooly at her two remaining sacrifices, and utters…
LOL no, of course that doesn’t happen. What on EARTH makes you think that, under intense stress and needing to make a clear decision, Hannah is able to act like an actual adult? Name one fucking moment from this season that points toward this being the course she takes. I’ll fucking wait.
“Hi, I’m a fucking mess” (ABC)
Instead, our train wreck of a leading lady flees the room, escaping to a small hideaway where she rips petals off the remaining rose and cries more to Zaddy. She’s so torn! She doesn’t know what to do! Does she want a man who’s an abusive, misogynistic, selfish, manipulative asshole? Or does she want a man who’s an abusive, misogynistic, selfish, manipulative asshole? Oh, the humanity!
In the end, because Hannah is a fetus still playing at Grown Up, she can’t actually decide. She’s so stunted, and so uncertain, and so afraid that she literally has Zaddy swoop in to “surprise” the bros by handing her two roses. Both Jed and Luke are in!
And not only are in they in, they’re in for the fucking Fantasy Suites.
Until next week!
