Look, I’m just going to say it: I’m in love with Tyler C. It’s very dramatic but very real. It’s probably because just about everyone else on this season is an utter disaster, a complete fraud, or a legitimate sociopath, but I’m not going to let trivial details stand in the way of our love. 

Like Hannah, my bar is set so low that it’s currently crossing through the center of the earth. Unlike Hannah, I’ve already been through so many Luke P’s that I could start an overly aggressive boy band, so I think this is a sign that I’m finally ready to find a man that will probably (maybe) treat me well. Even if he did come on a reality show to find love and even if he happens to be 8 years younger than me.

This is the episode we finally see that Tyler C is more than just a pretty, pretty, pretty face. Mostly. Plus, I was in this episode, and our paths sort of crossed, so clearly we’re in love and this is going to happen.

Move over, Hannah Beast, it’s time for Chelsea Cougar.

Let’s dive in.

I’m Shipping Up to Boston 

It’s finally time for our remaining schlubs to jetset! Pulling a Becca’s Season, they’re not off to Thailand or Vietnam or anywhere exciting—our boys are off to Boston! Well, sort of. They’re going to our stunted cousin, Rhode Island, first. 

Look, I’m from New England. I’m from Boston. I live in Boston. This is not a tantalizing getaway, unless you love getting screamed at to move the fuck over on the sidewalk, or getting elbowed in the face on the T because someone can’t wait 0.2 seconds for the next Red Line train to pull into South Station. We are a cold, angry people. Coming here is like going to The North, except instead of dire wolves we have rats the size of small alligators. At least we have seafood, I guess.

Our bros are SO fucking excited, mostly because I think they heard “island” and believe Rhode Island is a tropical vacation hotspot somewhere in the Caribbean. They do perk up when they realize they’re going to Newport, however, because I’m sure 50% of their parents have a summer house there.

In comes the first date card, and it’s for Jed! Joy. Jed, to me, is sentient puddle of spilled skim milk. I’d be more excited to come home to a pair of moth-eaten wool socks. He smiles blandly as the date card tells him to “Meet me in Boston.” The bros are pumped. I don’t think they know where or what Boston is.

Out in Faneuil Hall, Hannah is excitedly awaiting Jed’s arrival. Honestly, what the fuck is it about this man? 

“I know Boston!” She squeals to the camera. “They threw…tea! Right? And there’s a saying! No…no rep…no representation? No representation!” Gotta love that Alabama education. 

Like all true Bostonians, our lovebirds go to the Common and hawk Halo Top ice cream, and then meander over to Cheers, where literally no one that lives in this city goes to. Ever. 

Hannah rattles off fake facts, while Jed continues to smile blandly. “Here’s the hotel Thomas Jefferson built in 1692!” She declares, pointing wildly at a crop of buildings. Jed nods, engaging as ever.  

They then somehow teleport over to Brighton to the Auerbach Center, where they meet up with Celtics players Jaylen Brown and Terry Rozier! Neither have any idea why they’re on this show. There’s a quick two-on-two game, during which Hannah bodily flails around the court. There’s a heart-to-heart with Hannah and Jaylen Brown, where she prattles on about relationships and he gives her genuinely good advice she’s going to immediately throw away whenever she once more gets within 10 yards of Luke P. There’s a makeout sesh with Hannah and Jed, during which he somehow manages to blindly throw the ball right into the basket. Score!

Hannah deems the date a success, and then our intrepid couple are whisked off to dinner, where Jed reveals an utterly SHOCKING secret. SHOCKING, I tell you. Turns out that Jed—who clearly spends 100% of his time begging people to listen to his band on YouTube—came onto the show because he wanted to use the show as a platform to further his career.

Hannah takes absolutely no offense to this whatsoever. 

Maybe because Jed added that he also “loves love” so I guess she’s willing to overlook someone who literally just told her he was there to selfishly further his own agenda, rather than to find love with her—you know, the entire premise of the show—and had started his entire relationship with her based on a mound of selfish, egotistical lies.

Yay! Looks like he does love love! 

Hannah, girl, for the love of fucking god—READ INTO WHAT THESE IDIOTS ARE TELLING YOU. Please stop putting yourself through such unnecessary pain. Please stop putting us through such unnecessary pain.

Hannah, however, is an utter masochist. Jed gets the rose and another makeout sash, and we all get a little more bitter and jaded. 

Rumble On the Rugby Pitch

It’s time for our first—and only—group date of the night! We’re off to Fort Allen back in Newport for a good ol’ rugby match. 

And guess what? THIS MEANS IT’S ALSO TIME FOR MY GUEST SPOT! That’s right, kids, this is the date we got tickets to, so get ready to behold my amazing, scene-stealing stardom! 

Thank you, thank you. I expect to be asked to be the next Bachelorette any moment now.

Anyway, enough of me. Ready for today’s bloodshed are: 

• Dylan in the White Tux

• Matteo the Bug Eater

• John Paul Jones

• Connor the Fence Jumper 

• Garrett the Golf Pro

• Dustin That Other Guy From After the Final Rose

• Devin Whoever the Fuck That Is

• Grant the Sausage Party Enthusiast 

• Peter the Pilot

• Kevin the Nugget Slapper

• Magic Mike

• Jojen Reed

• Fucking Luke P

I still have no idea who most of these sad fucks are. Still excited to watch them mercilessly beat the ever-loving crap out of each other, though. 

The guys are feeling the bloodlust. John Paul Jones screams a ton. Magic Mike flexes. Luke P basically threatens to murder everyone. 

“KILL HIM!” The crowd screams. The camera cuts to extreme closeups of extras’ faces.

In the bros run! I was in the receiving line to high five them (see: the season promo) but they cut us. I’m not salty AF or anything. 

Right off the bat, Kevin the Nugget Slapper falls victim to a tragic slapping accident and is carted off “to the hospital” aka outside the gates to be treated. Since he was a good boy, he got a lollipop and an Angry Birds bandaid for his boo boo. 

The cameras cut back to the bloodshed, just in time to catch Luke S run right at Luke P. And then to catch Luke P picking up Luke S and body slamming him on the ground. Fun! Luke S is pissed and, I’m willing to bet, in a fair amount of pain. Luke P doesn’t care. Then he realizes it was caught on camera and tries to care. He fails. The Battle of the Lukes has officially begun. 

Once off the pitch, the bros instantly all declare themselves for House Luke S. Stunned, Luke P can’t believe it. He didn’t go after Luke S! Luke S came after him! He didn’t throw Luke S down! Or at least not on purpose. Or he did do it on purpose but he’s sorry. It really depends. 

Hannah pulls Luke P aside first to reprimand him for how he’s just being too much and not giving her the time and space she’s asked for. This is cute, because she then literally undoes it all, because she has terrible, terrible taste in men. Luke P plays her like a fiddle, batting his eyelashes and flexing his calves as he tells her that Luke S is only here to promote his tequila company. 

Hannah is INCENSED. I guess she’s only upset when someone comes on the show under false pretenses if they’re not shitty YouTube musicians? Good to see the girl has her limits!  

Afterwards, our remaining sea of bros all tell Hannah they hate Luke P and think he needs to go and that he’s a real concern to them all. She ignores all of them. Luke P continues to rile the room up by refusing to come clean about the rugby match. Eventually, all of the bros literally get up and leave him alone in the living room. 

The Battle of the Lukes shall go down in history somewhere between that fake daydream vampire battle in Twilight and that time Donald Trump made fun of Ted Cruz's wife on Twitter.

“It’s hard, cause like, I have feelings for Luke P,” Hannah cries to the camera. “Probably the strongest feelings out of all the guys!” 

Hannah, girl, you’re doomed. So doomed. 

At the end of the night, Garrett inexplicably gets the Group Date Rose. Cool.

He’s Her Lobster

Finally, sensing that they’ve pushed us all too far this episode, the Producers set up a 1:1 date with Tyler C, my one true love. Hooray! Our chiseled-from-stone model finds Hannah crying and fretting out on a dock. He’s suitably concerned, but pulls it together and is kind to Hannah. Like, genuinely kind to Hannah. Neither she nor I know what to do with this situation.

Pushing sadness aside in the name of love, our duo gear up and hit the high seas for an afternoon of lobstering. “Butter me up, girl,” Tyler tells her at one point, dangling a lobster. 

Tyler opens up and tells Hannah he almost didn’t come on the show because his dad was really sick, and he wanted to be there with him. It was so bad that his dad signed away the rights to his health to Tyler (I assume he was made proxy?). Luckily, his dad got better. They watched the Bachelor together while he healed. It’s pretty fucking sweet. 

At the end of the date, Hannah asks if Tyler will accept the Date Rose.

“Hell yeah, I’ll accept that rose,” he models, modelingly. 

The Rose Ceremony

If you were hoping for a reprieve from the never-ending Luke Battle, well, fuck you. We jump right back into it with Luke S yelling at Luke P about Luke P telling Hannah that Luke S was only here to hawk his tequila biz. You know, unlike Jed, who’s only here to hawk his music. Luke P seemingly gives up and tells Luke S he’ll go make amends in his name with Hannah. He promptly does the opposite. 

Hannah, because, she’s Hannah, thinks Luke S is suspect here and not Luke P. Girl’s dick drunk and she hasn’t even gotten a handful of it yet. What magic lies there?

Peter the Pilot swoops in to give Hannah a break from the madness. He makes out with her then asks her to be his girlfriend, and she agrees. 

“Yay, I have a girlfriend!” He cheers. 

“Yay, I have a boyfriend!” She cheers.

In the other room, the 15 or so other bros are like “what the fuck.”

Then we’re right back into it with the Lukes. Luckily for us, Mike steps in, and basically threatens to beat Luke P’s ass into a paste. I fucking love this man. If I can’t have Tyler, Magic Mike, I’m coming for you. 

At one point, someone calls Luke P a psychopath, and he protests. A producer hands him a phone so he can google the word (I assume the producer also told him how to spell it) and he eagerly scours dictionary.com.

”Look, I’m not a psychopath!” He bleats proudly, holding the phone up for the other bros to see. I’m surprised his headshot isn’t displayed prominently beside the definition, 

Since we’re still on the Luke train, Hannah then comes barging in and demands to see both Lukes to put this battle to rest once and for all. 

Since we’re still in hell, the episode then ends there on a cliffhanger.

Until next week!