Bachelor in Paradise S06: All Washed Up
Did you hear that, kids? It’s almost Paradise time! God, I love Paradise. It’s like a bikini-clad version of D-Day, with a swarm of half-drowned rejects washing ashore and stumbling out of the sea in a daze of lusty confusion. Ah, romance.
This season we have a whole bunch of jilted exes, including some (unfortunately) very, very familiar faces. Let’s meet our human sacrifices!
(ABC)
Annaliese Puccini
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr. + BiP 5
Fun Fact: Uh. You know what, after the horrific Kamil debacle last season, I can’t even make fun of Annaliese just yet. And even if the whole thing had been orchestrated by the Producers, it just means that ABC is good with presenting a man who tricks women into having sex with them on a reality show, and then dumps them on live, national TV.
(ABC)
Bibiana Julian
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr. + The Bachelor Winter Games + BiP 5
Fun Fact: Is the greatest wing woman of all time, yet the worst dater of all time. Bibiana deserves all the love in this world, but because this entire franchise is one gigantic dumpster fire that the producers keep pouring gas on, this season will crash and burn like every other for her.
(ABC)
Blake Hortsmann
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Proved that there was no god by being Becca’s runner up to fucking Garrett, that guy that laughed at Parkland shooting victims and smashed that Like button on a slew of xenophobic, racist, bigoted, and misogynistic tweets.
(ABC)
Caelynn Miller-Keyes
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: Tried to manipulate Colton’s season so that she and Cassie would end up as the respective Winner and next Bachelorette, despite knowing that neither she nor Cassie had any remote interest in Colton whatsoever. That FitTea ain’t gonna hawk itself on Insta!
(ABC)
Cam Ayala
Season: Hannah Brown
Fun Fact: Is a fucking stalker and manipulative liar with his very own catchphrase!
(ABC)
Chris Bukowski
Season: Emily Maynard + Andi Dorfman + Bachelor Pad 3 + BiP 1 + BiP2
Fun Fact: Hasn’t learned from FIVE FUCKING PRIOR REJECTIONS ON THIS FRANCHISE that he’s unlovable.
(ABC)
Clay Harbor
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Dated Angela Amezcua from last season’s Paradise (and from Nick Viall’s season) after, inexplicably, being set up by Chris “The Goose” Randone.
(ABC)
Demi Burnett
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: Once referred to her vagina as a funfetti cupcake.
(ABC)
Derek Peth
Season: JoJo Fletcher + BiP 4
Fun Fact: Was half of the most boring fucking couple on his season of Paradise (he dated Taylor Nolan). Yawn.
(ABC)
Hannah Godwin
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: Was full-steam-ahead the clear front runner of Colton’s season, until he somehow became so obsessed with Cassie that he literally gave up whatever meager shreds of self-respect he had left and utterly destroyed the end of his run.
(ABC)
Jane Averbukh
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: Who the fuck is Jane Averbukh?
(ABC)
John Paul Jones
Season: Hannah Brown
Fun Fact: Has the nicest hair of anyone that’s ever been on any show in the Bachelorverse. Ever.
(ABC)
Katie Morton
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: Much like “fetch,” ABC keeps trying to make Katie happen. It’s not going to happen. Even setting her up as a spy-team duo with Demi can’t make Katie interesting.
(ABC)
Kevin Fortenberry
Season: Hannah Brown
Fun Fact: Once dramatically slapped a tray of delicious, delicious chicken nuggets out of Cam’s hands during Nugget Gate ’19.
(ABC)
Nicole Lopez-Alvar
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: The only reason they brought this sob-filled, insipid nobody back on the show is because they’re bringing Onyeka back, and the two spent all of Colton’s season crying and fighting with each other, so I guess they want to manufacture more pointless drama that would put a fucking toddler to sleep.
(ABC)
Onyeka Ehie
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: See: Nicole Lopez-Alvar
(ABC)
Sydney Lotuaco
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: I really thought Sydney had too much self-respect and self-esteem to be on this franchise again, given her classy and rather poignant self-ejection from Colton’s season. Clearly I was wrong.
(ABC)
Tayshia Adams
Season: Colton Underwood
Fun Fact: I hate her.
(ABC)
Wills Reid
Season: Becca Kufrin + BiP 5 (which ABC somehow forgot to include on their cast announcement list…)
Fun Fact: Can rock a man romper like nothing you’ve ever seen before.
