I give up. I officially give up.

I’ve started this recap no less than 15 times, and each and every time I end up slamming my laptop shut and washing down another Valium with a bottle of Pinot Grigio. 

This episode was so epically bad that there’s no coming back from it. It’s the latest nail in this season’s coffin. Which is just another nail in this franchise’s coffin. Everything that could go wrong did—and I don’t just mean in the episode itself. I mean with literally everything about this show. This week was an utter clusterfuck inside and outside of the episode’s walls:

• Hannah once again proved that she is utterly unable to differentiate between love and lust, and has shown increasingly bad judgment with her desperate dragging out of the Luke P situation.

• Hannah may be able to stalk out and drop one-liners when the men are misbehaving, but she is entirely unable to control the group or get them to listen to her in any way.

• The show keeps repeatedly saying that Luke P’s horrifically manipulative, controlling, and outright emotionally abusive behavior is a-okay; hell, it’s great!

• Offscreen, it’s revealed that Jed—that guy that straight up told Hannah he only came on the show to further his music career—had a girlfriend right up until filming, then pulled a Berger and ghosted her on a notepad when it was time to head to Hollywood.

• Rather than literally having one date, the episode consisted of 1 hour of the bros arguing over Luke P, a quick jaunt to Latvia (?), and then 1 solid hour of Zaddy Chris Harrison and Hannah back at the Bachelor Mansion, recapping the entire fucking season despite it only being 6 episodes in.

• Mike Fleiss literally came out and apologized for the episode on Twitter. Twice.

I have no words. And yet, I must go on.

Let’s dive in.

Luke P, the Bionic Contestant

Has there ever been anyone as awful in the history of the Bachelorverse than Luke P? Like yes, there have been bigger monsters (see: Leo, Lincoln, Chad Johnson, Chris Randone, etc.) but Luke P’s insidiously painful, mind-numbingly insipid, purely obtuse horribleness is like being stuck in an ABC-produced limbo that would make Dante shudder.   

Luke P seems to be made up entirely of muscles and gaslighting. This is a guy that bragged that god came to him in the shower and told him to stop being a slut. This is a guy that became so possessive of Hannah by hour 6 that he started having regular breakdowns when she dared to even look at another contestant. This is a guy that picks fights endlessly with the other contestants and lies through his teeth—to them, to Hannah, and, really, to himself—about it. This is a guy who thinks flexing his calves and giving a sad little pout is all that’s needed to get him out of an incredibly layered doghouse that he built himself. 

When we open on this godforsaken episode, it’s teased that this might finally—FINALLY—be when Hannah sends Luke P home. After a horrible 1:1 date last episode where they spent the entire time squabbling and gaslighting/being gaslit, the two sit miserably at dinner and have the dumbest conversation of all time.

“I’m not enamored with you,” Hannah lies. 

Luke goggles, like she just told him she murdered his entire family. 

The scene cuts back to the bros in the hotel. Bro 1 says “What if Luke P does get the rose?” Bro 2 says “We’ll prepare for the worst.” I have no idea who either of these men are, because this season’s contestants (minus Mike and Tyler C) are literally just a sea of sad, faceless nobodies. 

Back at the dinner from Hell, you can see Luke P’s brain cells exploding as he tries to come to terms with the fact that he might not be able to see the object of his incredibly concerning fixation again.

“Today was not the point where we could be speak,” he slurs, eyes spinning wildly in their sockets. 

He tries unconvincingly to apologize. In every way imaginable. He’s literally just hurling whatever he desperately thinks Hannah might want to hear, in a bid not to get booted back to obscurity and god showing up in his shower. 

Finally, Hannah tells him she can’t give the rose to him.

“Does this mean I’m going home tonight?” he asks stupidly. 

“Yes. And I want you to respect that.”

Here, Bachelor Nation holds its collective breath. Luke does get up. He does walk away. Generally at this point, the jilted contestant wanders to a waiting limo to be carted off to the airport. This is what should happen now. 

This is not what happens now.

Luke—because he is a gaslighting, manipulative, emotionally abusive asshole—thinks he doesn’t need to respect the decision that Hannah just made and told him to respect. Why would he respect it? He’s Luke P! He has muscles! God talks to him in the shower! In Luke P’s little world bubble, Luke P gets what Luke P wants, and he does not give a flying fucketh whether or not the recipient of his affections wants that as well. In Luke P’s world, women do not have the right to tell him no. 

Hannah—who has been thoroughly hyped as a strong, independent, sassy firecracker of a woman who won’t hesitant to put a man in his place, yet is the complete opposite of this—allows him to come back right away. The man who just completely disrespected and disregarded her direct wishes. 

Look, I have to give Hannah some benefit of the doubt. She’s newly 24, and at 24 we have terrible, terrible judgment. We make lots of mistakes. We think guys are great when they’re actually nightmares. We think we know ourselves and what we want, but we don’t yet. We think we’re big and grown and mature, but we’re not yet. It’s a right of passage, and that’s okay.

But that’s the problem with having a Bachelorette so young, especially when you bring on men like Luke P. Who the fuck vetted this guy? Who the fuck vetted any of these guys? Remember, we had Scott, who had a girlfriend back home. We had Tyler G, who was an abusive psychopath and spit on his ex. We have Jed, a fame-seeking douche canoe who dropped his girlfriend faster than a bag of anvils for a chance to hawk his singing career. Before the season even began, Matt D was sent home because he was harassing a woman in her Instagram DMs FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS. WHILE HE WAS DATING SOMEONE ELSE.

It’s almost like like producers don’t care in the fucking slightest. 

34-year-old me would have a nightmare of a time dealing with this horde of horrors. A 24 year old? Fucking forget about it.

When the date finally ends, we cut to a scene the next morning, where Luke goes to fucking church to fucking pray. Luke, just take a fucking shower and spare us from this pitiful, abusive display of bullshittery. 

The Rose Ceremony

To kick off the Rose Ceremony, Hannah—rightfully anticipating that the bros are going to be piiiiiissed about Luke still being there—tries unsuccessfully to head things off at the pass.

“It’s not about the seen,” she says, trying her best to sound like a Big Girl. “It’s about the unseen.”

Hang on, I need another Valium.

Okay, so here’s the thing: It’s all about the fucking seen. Luke P can tell you whatever sweet nothings you want, but at the end of the day, his words are emptier than a keg after the Iron Bowl #ROLLTIDE.

Luke P shows Hannah nothing. He doesn’t respect her wishes. He doesn’t change his behavior. He doesn’t take to heart anything that she tells him.

You can feel the bros seething. I’m pretty sure Mike had to physically restrain himself from ripping his own face off.

Garrett, seeking refuge from this insanity, pulls Hannah away for the first 1:1 time of the night. It goes well right up until the end, where of fucking course he brings up Luke. You can see Hannah deflate like a balloon. She’s immature, and she’s confused, but she’s not entirely stupid—she knows Luke is a horrible choice, but she can’t bring herself to leave him. 

Garrett asks if Luke brought up any of the guys during their date, because he’d promised them he wouldn’t. Hannah lists off all the guys he brought up, and I’m pretty sure it’s all of them.

Pissed, Garrett returns inside he calls a Bro Council and roasts Luke for his betrayal. Luke turns bright red, stammers a lot, puts his wine down, and tries to say oh, yeah, he did tell them he didn’t say anything, but actually he did, but it wasn’t like that, guys.

The Bro Council doesn’t take this too well. They begin arguing incessantly, with literally everyone against Luke. 

Hannah hears this and comes sprinting in the room, so that she can throw herself under the bus. She literally takes the fall for Luke, going on about how it’s her fault. 

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WOMAN. 

“What I want to say to you all,” she says, voice trembling, “is stay in your freaking lane.”

That’s right, kids. Stop defending me. Stop calling Luke P out for being a monster. Stop trying to do the right thing. Stop trying to keep my heart from breaking. Stop trying to keep me safe and happy, okay?

It’s fucking mind-blowing. 

But more than that, it’s fucking sad. And scary. This is what the show is spitting out week after week: that Luke P’s behavior is okay. That it’s okay for a man to break the rules and boundaries a woman sets repeatedly for him. That it’s okay to take the blame for the abusive behavior a man is doling out to you and to his friends. 

It’s fucking bullshit. And it’s dangerous. 

At the end of the melee, Tyler C is once again our lord and savior. Acting as the kind, sensible, and compassionate voice of reason we all need right now, he calmly but firmly tells the bros to simmer down and to stop hurting Hannah with all of this. 

The Rose Winners

Already safe from last week’s episode are Mike and Jed. I can’t even be bothered to give the guys their nicknames this week, this is all too dark and depressing. 

Joining them are:

• Connor

• Tyler C

• Dustin

• Peter

• Dylan

• Garrett

And, of fucking course:

• Luke P

Again, there are no words. Nothing I can say can express how awful this is. 

The Rose Losers

• Devin

• Grant

• Kevin

What the fuck ever.

Let’s Go to Latvia or Whatever

Our remaining bros are gathered up and hurled off to Latvia, a country that 0.0% of them even knew existed. Hannah tries to talk up the…wildlife? The camera pans to a few pigeons. Hannah laments the abundance of pigeons in downtown Riga. Then she runs at the pigeons and screams “Heyo is my mating call!”

And then the episode really grinds to a halt.

The Inexplicable Recap

Despite having just touched down in Latvia, we’re then taken back to the Bachelor Mansion, where Chris Harrison and Hannah discuss the date. This was very clearly filmed at the end of the season, given that they’re still in fucking Latvia, but they try to pass it off like it’s a day-of confessional. 

Hannah is awkward and tries too hard not to show that she’s anxious. Chris Harrison looks like he regrets everything that’s ever happened to him. 

Despite it only being 6 episodes into the season, they literally spend THE REST OF THE FUCKING EPISODE—a solid HOUR—recapping the season. Jed and Hannah ate Halo Top (#ad) on the Boston Common! Yeah, we know, it happened two fucking episodes ago. Jonathan went for a kiss and was rejected! Hannah had a pimple she named Marcus!

THIS IS LITERALLY WHAT WE ARE FORCED TO WATCH FOR THE NEXT HOUR.

And then that’s it. 

Oh, except for one small thing.

Remember how we keep getting shown the mysterious clip of someone slut-shaming Hannah?

Yeah, it’s Luke.

For the people in the back: LUKE IS THE ONE SLUT-SHAMING HANNAH.

We get a preview of him being so fucking disgustingly manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive that it makes me want to find him, shove him into an iron maiden, and throw him out to fucking sea. He goes on and on and on about how he wants his marriage with Hannah to be “pure” and he doesn’t want her sleeping with any of the other men and MY GOD, LUKE, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

A woman can do WHATEVER she pleases with WHOMEVER she pleases, WITHOUT YOUR FUCKING PERMISSION. Women are not your playthings, they are not your belongings, they are not your property. Why the FUCK do I have to say this????

Until next week. And may shower god have mercy on our souls.