What I felt watching this episode of The Bachelorette is exactly what I felt watching the last two episodes of Game of Thrones. Characterization? Doomed. Pacing? Nonsensical. Plot? Fuck it. Despite knowing that I was going to be wildly disappointed, I stubbornly kept watching and praying that somehow things would get better. 

But it never gets better.

Now I sit here, rehashing all of the utter nonsense, wishing I could be blessedly taken out by a dragon. Or a Hound. Or hell, a ton of bricks. Come get me, sweet, sweet death. I’m waiting. 

In the meantime, let’s dive in. 

Labor Pains

I’d like to think that The Bachelorette can be the feminist vehicle we need. Sometimes it even tries to be that vehicle. Sadly, their take on this vehicle spent the better part of the night careening widely over winding mountain roads before ultimately swan diving off the edge of a cliff. 

In an attempt to be woke, or whatever buzzword our Gen Z cast prefers, our first Group Date of the evening gathered a gaggle of bros and bussed them off to what will soon be the norm in Georgia—a nondescript, mostly empty old factory on the outskirts of town catering to women’s reproductive matters with a wholly unqualified doctor at its helm.

In this case, our wholly unqualified doctor is, inexplicably, Jason Biggs. I don’t know why, or how, or where they even found him lurking, but I can’t even begin to muster the enthusiasm to care.

On this godforsaken appointment are:

• Jonathan the Pizza Delivery Guy

• Matteo the Bug Eater

• John Paul Jones

• Kevin the Nugget Slapper

• ZzzQuil Jed 

• Tyler C the Footloose Fanatic

• Magic Mike 

• ABC: Always Be Creepy Cam

None of the bros are happy in the slightest that Cam is tagging along, but that’s forgotten he moment they realize what they’re in for. As they come charging into what appears to be a slightly more sanitized Hostel set, they see Dr. Biggs coaching…I have no idea who she is, but she’s cute and blond and she’s pretending to have a baby. 

Cool!

That’s right, our bevy of bros are about to enjoy some good old “Here’s What It’s Like to Be Pregnant and Take Care of a Child” which is really wasted on them, because these are the kind of guys that would think changing a diaper somehow made them less of a man. 

They wear some pregnancy bellies and are flabbergasted that adding a bunch of weight to their middles can cause back pain. There are nipple clamps that simulate breastfeeding. Cam thinks a standard gestation period is 2 weeks. Everything is terrible. 

Eventually they all get to experience labor pains via some kind of aggressive TENS machine. Many of the bros fight back tears. Tyler C poses suggestively through his go. John Paul Jones literally screams like a wounded animal and almost breaks Hannah’s hand during his.

What feels like hours later, our still-reeling suitors are delicately dropped off at the cocktail party, which sadly doesn’t take place at Big Daddy’s antique shop. Jed, the most boring man in the universe, gets some time with our leading lady, during which they hurl chicken nuggets off a balcony. Matteo, I think, then gets some time, but I still don’t know who he is, so your guess is as good as mine. The dude ate bugs for Hannah and I still can’t tell him apart from the others. 

In next is Mike, and it’s…well, it’s actually pretty poignant. He tells Hannah that when he was with his ex, she got pregnant. He was really excited and they planned on having the baby, but sadly they lost the baby in the second trimester. He feels really guilty and still struggles with it, and the day’s date really brings all those feelings to the surface. It feels real, and genuine, and painful. 

And of course Cam ruins it.

Seeing that they’re in the middle of something legitimate, Cam comes barging in not once, not twice, but around five times to repeatedly ask to speak with Hannah because he has “something really important” to tell her. Whenever Hannah or Mike tells him to wait, he just comes back and lurks and sulks all serial killer like. It’s not bad—it’s fucking awful.

When Mike comes back and tells the group what happened, Jonathan our suddenly plucky pizza delivery man goes and interrupts Cam—who Hannah was inexplicably apologizing to—kicking him out and telling him what goes around comes around. 

Never thought I’d say this, but go Jonathan! 

Back with the bros, Cam sulks and eats chicken nuggets. The interns are REALLY trying to make nuggets happen this season. It’s not going to happen.

At the end of the night, Mike gets the Group Date Rose and Cam flips his shit.

“I had to resign fro a job I loved to come here!” He rants “That’s the boldest thing ANYONE can do!!”

Uh. He does know that like, 50% of the past Bachelorverse contestants quit their jobs to come on the show, right? 

Love Sick

Up next is the night’s 1:1 Date! Sort of.

Connor is chosen as sacrifice, receiving a Date Card that simply reads: “Let’s set sail on our love story.”

Not long after, another card arrives, and the bros nearly lose their collective mind as Connor opens it. What the fuck do they think is in there? Nudes? As if, fuckers. 

Instead it’s an apology of sorts—Hannah is sick (see: a DRAMATIC overlay montage of her supposedly in an ambulance, then getting an IV at the hospital) and can’t make the date, but Connor is welcome to come hang out at her sick bed.

Connor, who seems fairly sweet, I guess, sets off for Hannah’s but not before making a pitstop to grab flowers, a card, and some soup. When he arrives at the Hannah Hacienda, she does look pretty rough. I mean she still looks gorgeous even without makeup, but definitely like she’s feeling sick. So of course they make out. She then kindly informs him she’s not contagious. 

Ah, young love. 

After Hannah kindly kicks him out to get some rest, Connor cutely writes a bunch of love notes and leaves them all over the apartment. Men have totally done this for me, if you count "clean the fucking dishes" and "we should see other people" as love notes.

Back at Bach Mansion, the bros all congregate around Connor to see how it went.

“She really wasn’t feeling well,” Connor says, shaking his head sadly.

“But what was she wearing,” Luke P asks aggressively.

A few minutes later, a limo driver arrives and threatens Connor that he has 15 minutes to get ready for something. The guys act like more nudes are coming. Connor sprints off to get ready. Hannah is miraculously cured and whisks him off for a private concert. They dance awkwardly, alone, save for whoever the fuck is playing. I leave to get my sixth drink of the night. We’re still only halfway through the episode. 

The Secret Life of Fuckbois

WAIT.

HOLD UP.

HOLD. THE FUCK. UP.

As we prepare for our second Group Date of the episode, we get a super casual confessional with Hannah, during which she super casually says Tyler G had to go home. 

That’s it. No explanation. No detail. No emotion. No nothing.

UM. Tyler G went home because he was an abusive asshole who regularly screamed at his girlfriend in public, before spitting on her in public and leaving a vacation. Someone spilled this on Reddit, Ashley Spivey got involved per usual (god bless her) and Reality Steve did the investigating. Even Vanity Fair picked up the story, for fuck’s sake.

Good to see ABC owning up to their latest mistake. Who the fuck vets these guys? You know what? No one. No one vets them. ABC has proven this again and again and again and forever until infinity.

And beyond.

Any-fucking-way.

Group Date #2 is—

Jesus fuck. I can’t do this. 

Okay, Group Date #2 is a The Secret Life of Pets 2 photoshoot. Someone poses as a pony. There’s a reptile involved. I think there’s a cat.

Luke P is there. Joining him are Peter the Pilot, Dylan the White Tux Wearer, Jojen Reed, Garrett the Golf Pro, Grant the Sausage Party Enthusiast, and a handful of others. I have no idea. 

But wait! In swoops Demi to try to tempt the bros into cheating. They hire a hot makeup artist. She hits on the bros. Grant, who I swear is 45, laughs awkwardly. Luke P, who’s dumb as a stump, somehow realizes this is a setup and doesn’t break character. It’s very, very anticlimactic. 

Back at the photoshoot, things are happening. Hannah kisses Peter the Pilot and Luke P loses his mind. He interrupts at the end and insists on another go at the cameras, this time whilst doing pushups with Hannah standing on his back. Afterwards, he tries to walk her to her dressing room, and she blessedly rebuffs him, telling him she needs a few minutes and he needs to back off. 

I’m honestly shocked and happy. Luke is also shocked, but far less happy. The sulking intensifies. He’s honestly so dense that he can’t begin to fathom why a woman he barely knows doesn’t want to spend every single waking second of every single day with him.

At the post-shoot cocktail party, Hannah ramps up the badassery, finding Luke P like a heat-seeking missile to tell him he needs to calm the fuck down and back the fuck off. She tells him to stop acting like she’s promised to him, and to back off. Luke, because, once again, he’s dense as concrete, just gapes. How can she not spend all of her time with him? How can she not be promised to him? Does god need to come to her in the shower?

When Hannah absconds to the other room to get some 1:1 time with the other guys , Luke begins to unravel. He needs to explain himself, goddamnit! He lurks while the mini dates go on and on and on. He panics when he sees Hannah sucking face with Peter the Pilot. He keeps trying to grab Hannah and tell her he needs to talk to her, and she has to—yet again—tell him to back the fuck off. 

I gotta say, Hannah is standing her ground, and I am here for it. I mean, not in the sense that I’m happy she has to keep fucking doing this, but you know what I mean. 

Anyway, Luke flips his shit around the other guys. He pulls out the Gaslight Special and tells them that he’s not sure he’s in love with Hannah and that he doesn’t know if she’s on that level. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I don’t speak fluent douche, so. He also threatens to go home tonight, all because Hannah’s essentially not giving him what he wants. 

Fun! 

Gleefully rubbing salt in Luke’s wounds, Hannah gives the Group Date Rose to Peter the Pilot, and Luke gets nothing. Fuck you, Luke. 

The Rose Ceremony

Know what’s better than a cocktail party to kick off the inevitable execution of several of their numbers? A TAILGATE party! Yeah, bros! I’m not really sure how this is a tailgate, but whatever. 

Right before kickoff (see what I did there) Cam calls a house meeting and tells everyone he needs to pull Hannah aside first, because he has something very important to tell her. Something very important. Something so important that it could get him sent home. He asks the bros if they’re all okay with this. “Bullshit,” says Mike. “There’s no rules of engagement.”

Mike is REALLY climbing the ranks for me. 

At the tailgate, Cam zips in to grab Hannah and finally spill his guts. He had a swollen leg or something. He almost had to amputate it. He had surgeries. Then his grandma died. Then he had to give his puppy away. It all feels like a lot of robotic bullshit. 

Now look, Cam does have lymphedema. It did cause some issues. It is rare. I’m not taking away from that. What I am doing is pointing out that Cam is using this random onslaught of plights to in order to get a pity rose. This is a calculated move, but Cam—because he has no soul—doesn’t see how terrible it comes across. Neither does Hannah, initially, because it’s Hannah. 

“I’m an onion!” He adds. Cool.

Thankfully, we get some time with Mike after. He tells Hannah what Cam did earlier, and that he’s looking for a pity rose. Hannah is incensed. She marches off to Cam and demands he answer. Cam boggles a lot. “I’m not going for a pity rose!” he insists shrilly. Hannah is still pissed. Cam is still stupid. It comes out that he wrote goodbye letters for the bros. Cam insists that wasn’t a ploy, and then tries to back it up by shrieking about how he resigned from his job to come here! A job he loved! The humanity! 

When Zaddy gathers his flock for the Rose Ceremony, Hannah angrily tells the bros that there will be no pity roses tonight. 

The Rose Winners

Already safe are Magic Mike, Love Note Connor, and Peter the Pilot. Joining them are:

• ZzzQuil Jed

• Tyler the Footloose Fanatic

• Dustin That Other Guy from After the Final Rose

• Dylan the White Tux Wearer 

• Grant the Sausage Party Enthusiast

• Rapidly Falling Apart Luke P

• Garrett the Golf Pro 

• John Paul Jones

• Matteo the Bug Eater 

• Devin Whoever the Fuck That Is

• Jojen Reed

• Kevin the Nugget Slapper

The Rose Winners

Which means we say goodbye to:

• Jonathan the Pizza Delivery Guy 

• Joey Who Willingly Goes by Joey at 33

And we BLESSEDLY say goodbye to:

• ABC: Always Be Cripplingly Alone Cam

Maybe there is a god!

After we get to feast on Cam’s tears, we’re treated to some cut footage of Garrett getting waxes on that photoshoot date. What a time to be alive, kids.

Until next week!