The entire premise of Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette is built around three main principles:

• That Hannah is so much more than a pageant queen

• That newly 24 year olds are completely ready for marriage

• That Hannah is able to cut right through the bullshit and filter out the “not here for the right reasons” jackasses that will try to cloud her judgement

This is especially hammered home due to the overwhelmingly negative reaction from Bachelor Nation once it was announced that Hannah would helm the season. “Don’t worry!” ABC insisted, “it’s not what you think! Look, here’s our promo—she’s wearing a jaunty pantsuit, not a pageant gown! And look, she has a crown but she throws it away! And here she says she wants fierce love! FIERCE LOVE! Who else says that but a woman ready for the commitment of marriage?!”

But none of these principles are true. In fact, each are so outrageously false that if you plugged them into PolitiFact, they’d hover somewhere around everything Donald Trump’s ever said, and whatever Alex Jones was able to vomit on Facebook before his account was deleted. This episode showed such blatant disregard for its own foundations that I’m amazed it didn’t collapse in on itself and create a black hole.

Let’s dive in!

Walk Walk, Fashion Baby

Keeping with the theme of Hannah being so much more than a pageant queen, we immediately kick off the first official group date with a pageant. But wait, there’s a twist: the MEN are the ones on display! It’s called “The Mister Right Pageant!” How quirky and unexpected! 

Ready to be put on display are:

• Grant the Sausage Party Enthusiast  

• Jojen Reed

• Mike the Portfolio Manager

• Jed the Spontaneous Singer

• Jonathan the Pizza Delivery Guy 

• John Paul Jones

• Dylan in the White Tux

• Luke P the God Showerer

Our gaggle of imbeciles are trotted out to meet their fate…but in one of the only good parts of this entire episode, it turns out their panel of guest judges are America’s Next Top Model goddess Miss J Alexander, and Ru Paul’s Drag Race stars Alaska and Alyssa Edwards! Honestly we could just end the season here, because the contestants are never going to match up to these queens, but remember, kids, the Producers will never grant us mercy. 

The first round is the Swimsuit Round, so at least we get to be equal opportunists when it comes to treating pageant contestants like hunks of meat. Each suitor is promptly stuffed into a speedo and shoved on stage. 

• Dylan gives a kicky performance in low booties

• Either Grant or Jojen Reed explodes out in a dazzling ’80s number. You’d think I’d be able to tell which one it was, given that they look wildly different, but I was too busy chugging my second glass of wine to notice. I have absolutely no clue what the other one did. 

• Jonathan Risky Businesses out in a striped sling and black socks

• Mike sashays out in a teeny bikini and does a booty shake, which makes Hannah go fucking insane

• John Paul Jones struts out in a striped number and, of course, does a hair flip

• Jed yeehaws out in cowboy boots and a banana leaf-print banana hammock and…shakes the judges’ hands?

• Luke P eviscerates the memory of Mike with his stupidly ripped abs 

No, seriously. His abs are so powerful that even the bevy of bros are struck dumb. 

“Luke has the body of a Greek god,” John Paul Jones breathes, eyes wide. “My god. That guy is amazing.”

Still reeling from the ab extravaganza, our bros try to pull it together for the second round, which is the “Talent Round.” I use quotation marks because come the fuck on.

• John Paul Jones careens out on a unicycle and manages to remain in one piece

• Jojen Reed sort of plays the trumpet by…screaming into it?

• Jonathan tap dances and juggles, and honestly I’m not surprised

• Mike steels the scene back by strutting out in heels and fucking WORKING THAT RUNWAY

• Jed whips out a guitar and starts singing, and look—the guy can sing, but I am so fucking sick of these yokels yodeling on camera that I can’t take it anymore 

• I have no idea what Dylan does

• I have no idea what Grant does

• Luke P’s talent is sharing his feelings 

Oh, and by “sharing his feelings” I mean gaslights the ever-loving fuck out of Hannah by telling her he’s already “starting to fall in love with her.” This is hilarious and horrifying because he’s known her for all of 18 hours, and he’s clearly full of fucking shit.

But remember those pillars we’ve built this entire season on? Yeah, bye. Instead of rolling her eyes, or showing disgust, or dragging Luke aside to ask him what the fuck he’s doing…Hannah immediately falls for it. She starts tearing up with excitement and joy over the idea that this dude—the one god supposedly came to in the shower to tell him to keep his dick in his pants—is already falling in love with her.

HANNAH. I KNOW YOU WANT TO FIND LOVE. BUT IF YOU WANT TO FIND ACTUAL LOVE, THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO DO IT. 

Don’t believe whatever bullshit some idiot spews at you within 18 hours of knowing you. It’s never real. Even if you want it to be real, it’s never real. You wouldn’t believe a Tinder fling if he told you he was falling in love with you after the second hookup, right? Wait, don’t answer that.

Anyway, a crown is trotted out for the winner. It’s a three-way-tie! That’s right, Luke P, his abs, and his gaslighting are all crowned the pageant winner. 

“Luke told me he’s falling in love with me,” Hannah squeals to the cameras, beaming and flailing her hands around. “And I believe him!”

Blessedly it’s time for our now speedo-less posse to head off for the post-pageant cocktail soiree, which contains a mind-numbing balance of boring and bastardly. Luke P keeps cranking that fucking dial up to 11 by telling Hannah he started developing feelings for her before he met her. Know who didn’t do that, Hannah? Luke P. Know who would do that, Hannah? A fucking serial killer. 

On the other end of the spectrum is some 1:1 time with Jed, our resident bottle of ZzzQuil. The only good part of this segment is Mike passively aggressively calling Luke P out for his utter bullshit. 

At the end of the night, Jed gets the Group Date Rose, and I go get myself another glass of wine. 

A Date with Danger

It’s time for our first 1:1 date of the season! And today’s lucky suitor is Tim Tebow’s twin Tyler G! Yay! Yay?

Sorry kids, but actual Spoiler Alert:

Tyler G is a piece of fucking shit. Reality Steve outted him as an emotionally and verbally abusive asshole that regularly screamed at his girlfriend in public, and even once spit on her in public. Stay tuned for how this all comes to light in next week’s episode. 

Blissfully oblivious to this is Hannah. Oh and also the Producers, who should’ve fucking caught this when they screened the candidates. But why do I even bother? This is the show that let on Lincoln, a guy that shit in public and assaulted a woman on a boat, and Garret, a guy that made fun of Parkland shooting victims and survivors. I will never not bring that up when I talk about that fuck. 

Anyway, Hannah and Tim Tebow 2.0 are whisked away in a helicopter so they can go ATVing. This is confusing because Hannah’s in an all-white outfit, but whatever. The two get muddy, Tyler gaslights her about being a kind person and a commitment seeker, and then they drink some champagne. Cheers!

Let’s Get Our Love on Track 

Back at Bach Mansion, the remaining bros are fretting about who will get invited on the second Group Date of the ep, and who will be left behind (and likely booted during the Rose Ceremony). 

Cam, because he’s ABC: Always Being Cam! is fucking rapping about Steve Urkel. Look, I hate Luke P. I hate him a lot. But I FUCKING HATE Cam. I hate Cam so much that whenever he comes on screen, I scream. I hate Cam so much that even thinking about him drives me into a rage. I hate Cam so much that he makes me think fondly of The Goose. 

Thankfully Cam is not invited on the Group Date. Instead we have:

• Devin Whoever the Fuck That Is

• Matteo Who I Don’t Remember 

• Daron Who I’m Convinced is 50

• Connor J the Francophile 

• Kevin ??????

• Dustin That Other Guy from After the Final Rose

• Tyler C the Footloose Fanatic 

• Joey Who Willingly Goes by Joey at 33

• Peter the Pilot 

• Garrett the Golf Pro 

Our team of toddlers are told they’re off for some kind of sporting endeavor, and are shipped off to a nondescript building somewhere in LA. Hannah bursts out to join them in the tightest, shortest pair of leather shorts I’ve ever seen. I get this, because I, too, love wearing tight leather shorts when I play sports. In the heat. For hours. 

Apparently these shorts hint at the date’s adventure: Roller Derby! We meet up with the LA Derby Dolls, a team of women roller derby pros who destroy the bros with their athletic prowess. It’s glorious. 

Zaddy and Fred Willard, who I guess they keep on retainer, come out to play announcers. There’s Team Orange! And they’re playing Team Green! It’s pretty terrible. Daron is quite good, but the rest of them are horrible. Connor bites it right off the bat. Dustin wipes out and gets a boo boo. Sadly, none of them break any bones. In the end, Team Green wins, if you can call a bunch of men flopping around a roller rink winning. 

Once all physical and emotional wounds have been tended to, our bros are lead to the cocktail party…which is, inexplicably, back at that fucking antique shop from Becca’s season. And Colton’s season. Was it even back on Arie’s season? God, they’re all blurring together. 

It all starts off blandly enough. Dustin is the first to swoop in for some 1:1 time. Peter the Pilot gets some time. Some other faceless, nameless bros get some time. 

And then.

ABC: Always Be Creeping Cam decides to crash the party! 

No, seriously. 

Claiming it’s because Hannah wants a man who’s going to be very bold about showing his love and commitment, he barges into the cocktail party like a man possessed. Everyone, naturally, is fucking pissed. But, because they’ve learned a lot this year in Preschool, they all troop out one-by-one in a polite line to tell Cam how much they dislike this. Cam doesn’t care. ABC: Always Be Contemptible!

It’s terrible. It’s painfully embarrassing for everyone involved. Even Hannah cringes. She goes off to talk to him and tries to tell him this isn’t a good look, and yet then promptly starts making out with him. 

Look, girl can kiss whomever she pleases, whenever she pleases. But minus tossing Scott out on his cheating ass in the first episode, she’s shown continuous bad judgment with the men here. These duds are all pulling out the gaslight special to try to come out on top, and Hannah seems completely oblivious to it.

See: The collapsing premise of this show’s main principles. 

Outside, in the never-ending line of contestants whining, one tells Cam that he’s stepping on their toes by crashing a date he wasn’t invited to.

“Y’alls toes don’t matter,” Cam tells him smugly. 

After the debacle, Cam goes home and the Group Rose Date goes to Dustin. Sure. 

The Rose Ceremony 

Hannah shows up on fiiiiiiiiire in a gorgeous red dress, ready to rock this Rose Ceremony to its very core. But things go downhill quickly. She starts the festivities with a toast and lots of sobbing about…I don’t know. I don’t get it. There are just so many tears, but I guess they’re happy tears. Whatever. 

Then she goes for the dumpster fiiiiiiiiire by…stripping Luke P and aggressively making out with him like a minute after she arrives at the Mansion. Hannah keeps referring to him as the dessert she wants to skip right to, and honestly, they jump so quickly into such aggressive hooking up that I actually though they were going to bone right then and there.

So did Jed, who awkwardly walks right in on them. Hannah is mortified and swears a lot. Luke puts his shirt back on. Jed jokes about how he should take his pants off. I finish yet another glass of wine. 

Trying to get things back on track, Kevin gets some 1:1 time with Hannah and it’s kind of cute. Until ABC: Always Be Crashing Cam barges in and says he has a surprise for both of them. I assume this means he’s going to murder them, but instead it means…he makes all three of them hold hands and takes them to a pile of chicken nuggets. He asks Hannah if she’ll “accept this honey mustard” and she squeals with delight. Kevin, gobsmacked, just stares. 

Kevin confronts Cam once they’re back in the mansion. Cam plays dumb while carrying a plateful of nuggets. Kevin slaps them out of his hands. Nugget Gate ’19 quickly becomes a cultural juggernaut. 

You know what? Forget about the rest of this cocktail party. The only good thing was that nugget slap. Let’s skip ahead and try to soothe our pain by booting out a handful of these fuckers. 

The Rose Winners 

Already safe, sadly, are: Jed the Spontaneous Singer, Tim Tebow 2.0, and Dustin That Other Guy from After the Final Rose. 

Joining them are: 

The Rose Winners

• Tyler C the Footloose Fanatic

• Garrett the Golf Pro 

• Devin Whoever the Fuck That Is

• Connor S the Fence Jumper

• Luke P the Gaslighting God Showerer

• Dylan the White Tux Wearer 

• Jojen Reed

• Magic Mike

• Peter the Pilot 

• Kevin the Nugget Slapper 

• Jonathan the Pizza Delivery Guy 

• Joey Who Willingly Goes by Joey at 33

• Matteo ?????

• John Paul Jones

• Grant the Sausage Party Enthusiast 

• Party Crasher Cam

Meaning we blessedly bid adieu to:

The Rose Losers

• Connor J the Francophile 

• Matt S Whoever the Fuck That is 

• Daron Who I’m Convinced is 50

As our departing losers say their goodbyes, our remaining losers continue to make things worse. Cam cheers to the “future Mrs. Ayala” (Spoiler Alert: that’s his last name). Luke P crashes Hannah’s confessional to make out with her and ask her to sit on his lap. Matteo brings up how Hannah ate a bug on that date with Colton but Colton didn’t, so he then eats like 3 bugs for her.

I fucking hate this show.

Until next week!