Right before every season premiere of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I find myself doing some major soul searching. Do I still want to watch this show? Why am I so masochistic? Why do I think things will get better, when they never get better? Is this all because of my parents’ divorce?

And then it’s like I’m possessed by a particularly bitchy demon. One minute I’m in a meeting at work, screaming about why we need content for an email earlier than 2 minutes before it’s scheduled to go out, and the next minute I’m sitting in bed, a glass of wine on my nightstand, laptop on my lap, ABC on my TV, and I immediately know I’m doomed to yet another three months of utter torture. 

Welcome to Hell, kids. 

Let’s dive in.

Sweet Home Alabama

If you didn’t know, Hannah is from Alabama—ROLL TIDE!—and what better way to kick things off than with a visit to her hometown. Good ol’ Tuscaloosa, where you can buy a 4-bedroom house for $180K but can’t get an abortion when you’re three weeks late. ROLL TIDE!

Since the Producers are particularly aggressive Doms, we’re forced to re-watch the scene of Hannah finding out she’s the Bachelorette. She sort of shrugs and sheds one tear, then goes to break the news to her mother. “Mom! I know this comes as such a huge surprise, what with the camera crew that’s been holed up here all day, and the script they handed me to read, but guess what! I’m the next Bachelorette!”

I’m torn on Hannah. She gets better later in the episode, but spends so much of the beginning basically stating she’s Zoey Deschanel—you know, one of those absurdly good-looking humans who once tripped over a shoe or something, so they tell literally everyone who will listen that they’re “so clumsy and awkward!” She sighs about not being perfect, but then she’s a beautiful blond beauty queen, so it’s a bit much. 

Anyway, we then spend some time driving aimlessly around the city, chatting with meth-fueled “friends” (seriously, who was that woman?), and waxing poetic to a group of bored 5-year-old ballerinas about love. None of this makes sense, but then when does anything make sense on this show?

Speaking of which.

The Battle of the Bastards

That’s right, it’s time to meet the men! If you can even call this group of frat-ish fetuses men, what with their average age of 24 and their undying love of dick jokes. Seriously, did we just pick up a group of pledges from Lambda Chi Omega and call it a day? 

Anyway, we’re not meeting them as they get out of the limo, because why would we just cut to it? Instead we’re treated to an onslaught of bad cellphone video and hilariously staged scenes with the camera crews. 

First up is Tyler C. who's “not your typical contractor” because, surprise—he’s footloose! He’s gonna kick off those Sunday shoes! As he flails around in an empty construction zone, a voice over explains that he “almost minored in dance” and that he considers himself to be “like Kevin Bacon.” 

Next up is Peter the Pilot, who zooms around in a plane while professing his love for Hannah.

Then we meet Mike Johnson, Portfolio Manager, who pretends to talk numbers on a phone that I’m pretty sure isn’t even on. “Hell yeah, 1+2 = 3,” he seems to mouth, “good trade!”

Hot on his heels is Joe “The Box King” Barsano, an Anthony Scaramucci type who cannot stop himself from spewing out an endless stream of dick jokes. “I have a big package!” he slurs in a horrific Chicagoan accent. “You need a big package, I got one! I got a package for your package!” he adds, holding a box over his dick. If this guy’s packing more than 1” I’m gonna be fucking shocked.

On the other end of the spectrum we have Matt Donald. He’s a kind of adorable farmer whose whole family is deaf, and he’s so sweet with them, but then he turns around and announces on national television that he’s way more comfortable with farm animals than with women. I can’t even make a joke about that because I’m only two glasses of wine deep, and it’s just not enough.

Then we have Connor J, a car salesman who pretends to be a big boy and run a meeting for the cameras. “Let’s sell some cars!” he shouts to a group of tired, beaten-down coworkers. This is all objectively hilarious, given that everyone in the room has a look on their face that says why is the intern allowed to carry on this fucking charade?

Up next is Luke P. my hands-down favorite of the entire season already. This guy is so full of shit that his natural blue eyes should be brown. He’s so hilariously, obtusely here for all the wrong reasons, and yet I love him. I LOVE HIM. He deserves to go into a meat grinder, and I love him. Already firmly established as the season’s villain (see: the promo), he’s like the damned, super pretty love child of Krystal and the Goose. He tells us he was slaying, like, a TON of vag, but then god came to him in the shower one day and told him to keep his dick in his pants, so now he reads bibles in fields and pretends like he’s not going to literally fuck any woman that will let him. 

Wet Driveway, Wet Blankets, Can’t Lose

Okay, NOW it’s finally time for the limo entrances! Zaddy Chris Harrison gives Hannah a pep talk, and she looks gorgeous but tries to repurpose Demi’s funfetti vagina joke and it really falls flat. Leave the genital jokes to the boys, Hannah, they’ve got you more than covered.

• The first tribute out of the limo is Garrett, a boring golf pro from Birmingham, who I hate solely because he has the same name as Garrett Yyrigoyen

• Our next sacrifice is Jed, a self-proclaimed Southern boy, who says it’s “important to shine inside and outside” which I can only assume is some kind of sex joke

• Up next is Tyler (I don’t remember which one) who screams that he’s SO STOKED!! that Hannah’s the Bachelorette 

• Dylan meanders out next, and was so boring I momentarily fell asleep

• Connor S. beats a dead horse by jumping a fence and nearly having an asthma attack in the process

• Devin slinks out next and says he’s a virgin—GOTCHA just kidding, he’s not! How hilarious!

• Then we have the sentient blond wig John Paul Jones, who announces that his name is John Paul Jones and his family calls him John Paul Jones, and his friends call him John Paul Jones, and so on, forever

• Up next is Brian, a boring math teacher from Kentucky

• Then we have Matteo, who claims Hannah took his breath away, etc. etc.

• Tyler G. oozes out next, claiming that he had a dream about Hannah, which makes her literally the girl of his dreams

• Thomas is up next, who announces that he’s an international pro basketball player who’s been traveling for years

• One of the Matts then comes out and does a weird little pseudo twirl

• Mike then struts out to humbly say he lives by The Five Cs—Character, Charm, Charisma, Consistency, and Compassion—which automatically means he’s going to be a gaslighting sonofabitch 

• Joe the Box King arrives in—you guessed it—a gigantic box! Then he promptly makes a dick joke

• Someone shows up carrying a carseat, but then delights me by pulling a champagne bottle out of it. Now that’s my kind of a reveal party!

• Connor J., the poor man’s Chuck Bass, saunters out next in what appears to be a maroon, crushed velvet suit and starts blathering away in French. “Parlez-vous français?” he asks, smirking, as Hannah blinks at him. Ah, mansplaining truly surpasses all language barriers

• Ryan careens out on rollerskates, and sadly doesn’t bite it on the wet pavement

• Hunter rolls up next, announcing that he’s a surfer and tries to do some kind of bro handshake, then says they’ve tied the knot

• Up next is Grant, who stuffs a hotdog down his gullet and makes jokes about a sausage party

• Attempting to redeem food, Jonathan comes out next and proposes with a pizza. 10/10 would say yes

• Someone comes out and is nervous and jokes about “frumbling" things up. “That’s my word!” Hannah squeals with excitement to our nameless, faceless suitor

• Next up is everyone’s favorite god-watches-me-in-the-shower-showerer, Luke P! He leaps up onto the limo and roars, skittering across the vehicle like a man possessed. Which actually would explain a lot, but

• He’s followed by the other Luke, aka Luke S. aka Jojen Reed, who’s adorable but so painfully boring 

• Speaking of painful, right on his coattails is Cam, who of FUCKING COURSE has to rap. “I spit bars like Willy Wonka,” he tells the camera, and I have to physically restrain myself from driving to LA and throttling him

• Matt Donald rolls up next on a fucking tractor, singing Old Bro Donald’s Farm or something, and it’s so fucking yee yee it’s painful

• Chasen soars out next, and turns out he’s also a pilot! He’s not in his pilot’s uniform, but he makes a joke about women loving a man in uniform, and Hannah agrees all giggly like 

• Then Peter the Pilot shows up in his uniform and you can see all the color drain out of Chasen’s face. These are some Clegane brother-worthy stakes right here, I tell you

There are three other men, I think, but I have no idea who they fuck they are or what the fuck they did to introduce themselves. 

Hannah’s feeling the pressure already, as she prays to god for the sweet, sweet release of death. 

Wait, no, sorry, she was just praying for clarity because she legit isn’t interested in anyone enough yet to even debate handing out the First Impression Rose. ROLL TIDE!

Cock(tail) Hour 

What happens when you stuff 29 frat bros in a living room and ply them with booze? You’d think someone would start barking orders for the pledges to boof a can of Natty Ice, or there’d be a fistfight or something, but it’s actually all quite boring. 

Luke P. drags Hannah away for the first one-on-one quality time of the season, because of course he does. 

Chasen the Pilot frets over Peter the Pilot, although I’m pretty sure they’re actually the same person. They legit look and act exactly alike. It’s uncanny.

Cam, who clearly thinks he’s in a Glengarry Glen Ross sequel, announces that his mantra is ABC—Always Be Cam. FUCK I hate this guy.

One of the Connors redeems things slightly by hosting a Bachelorette Party for Hannah, and how have we made it 15 seasons without anyone doing this gag yet??

I think the other Connor gets the first kiss of the season—drink! 

Scott sits down with Hannah and he warbles on about how he’s so ready to find love, and they pick out finishes for their future house. I’m amazed Hannah didn’t immediately announce her entire house must be covered in shiplap. 

Jed sings, and I die of secondhand embarrassment.

Cam unfortunately shows back up on camera for some alone time with Hannah, and tells her that he doesn’t kiss a girl on the first date if he’s really into her, but then claims the 0.2 minutes they spent together on After the Final Rose was a date, and promptly unhinges his jaw Arie style to make out with her. 

The First Impression Rose is then brought out by Zaddy, and all of the men stop to gasp and stare at it, as though it were a diamond-encrusted King Cup filled with the finest mixture of Raspberry Rubinoff and Miller Lite.

BUT WAIT! 

The Ex-Files

Something’s rotten in the state of California. That’s right—one of the contestants here has a girlfriend, and the rat must be rooted out! And who better to do this, inexplicably, than our FBI tag team of Demi and…Katie? Sure!

Our intrepid duo pull up in an unmarked white van, informing us that someone slid into Demi’s DMs with insider knowledge that a contestant has a girlfriend back home. I don’t know how they know who this person is, or how they verified this information, but forget things like facts and common sense—this is the Bachelorverse!

Finally they hone in on the rat, and god bless, here’s where it gets good.

Turns out our dream house-building bro Scott is nothing more than a gaslighting fuckboi! Which isn’t all that shocking, but.

What is shocking is how goddamn badass Hannah is as she deals with this shit. “Scott. We need to talk. Now.” she demands, ready to put this bastard 6 feet deep.

She reveals she knows he was dating someone until that very Monday and at first he pretends like he wasn’t, and then he says she wasn’t important and there was no future with her, and then he tries to gaslight her by saying of course he’s dated women in the past and she’ll need to deal with that, and she can’t be mad at him for dating a woman until two days ago because she dated Colton, and good GOD. It’s like he’s reading out The Handbook of Chelsea’s Exes. 

Chapter 1: How to Gaslight the New Girl You’re Into Like a Champ. 

Exhibit A: Scott.

Hannah is having none of his bullshit, however, and puts him in his goddamn place, telling him he’s doing a dirty to that poor girl and to her, and she’s not here for it. He can get the fuck outta the Bachelor Mansion, effective immediately.

And then she takes it a step further, literally leading him out of the Mansion and barking at him when he tries to lallygag. “I said come on!” she exclaims, forcing him out.

Hannah. Girl. I am HERE FOR THIS. I could watch an ENTIRE SEASON of you putting these fucking yokels in their place. MORE OF THIS. 

In the immortal words of Tia Booth: Yes, bitch, yes. 

After Scott Gate ’19 goes down, Hannah goes back to the gaggle of man babies and tells them what happened-and that SHE. WILL. NOT. PUT. UP. WITH. THIS. SHIT. Yaaaaaas, beauty queen, get it!

She then excuses herself from the group and just barely manages not to scream at the sky. Dating sucks! Even if you’re a beautiful blond beauty queen. 

Anyway, Luke P. gives her all of 30 seconds before he scampers off to pretend to care for her. He asks if she’s okay, she says she’s really cold, and he declines to offer her his jacket. They of course then makeout.

Hannah’s back in the game after this, schmoozing with a few more dolts and making out with Connor S.  

The First Impression Rose 

Because we’ve all sinned greatly, the First Impression Rose goes to Luke P. Please try not to panic when you realize almost all of the past winners have received the First Impression Rose. 

John Paul Jones is very sad he didn’t get the First Impression Rose, and he tells us multiple times while repeating his own name over and over again. ROLL TIDE!

The Rose Ceremony

Alright, kids, it’s time to crush some men! Sadly already safe via immunity are Cam the Rapper (he got the rose during the After the Final Rose debacle) and Luke P. the God Showerer. Joining them are:

The Rose Winners

• Mike the Portfolio Manager 

• Connor S. the Fence Jumper  

• Matthew “Not Old Matt Donald” S.

• Connor J. the Francophile 

• Jed the Spontaneous Singer

• Dustin that Other Guy from After the Final Rose 

• Joey Who Willingly Goes by Joey at 33

• Devin Whoever the Fuck That Is 

• Peter the Pilot 

• Dylan in the White Tux 

• Matteo Who I Don’t Remember 

• Jonathan the Pizza Delivery Guy 

• Tyler C. the Footloose Fanatic  

• Tyler “Tim Tebow’s Lost Brother” G.

• Daron Who I’m Convinced is 50

• Jojen Reed

• Garrett the Golf Pro 

• Grant the Sausage Party Enthusiast 

• Kevin ?????

• John Paul Jones (who, when he’s concerned he’ll be eliminated, angrily says “I didn’t forgo a promotion to come out here and sent home the first night!” and LMAO like that was ever in the cards for him)

Meaning we say farewell to these fallen soldiers:

The Rose Losers

• Old Matt Donald

• Joe the Box King (who has, OF COURSE, already fucking signed on for Paradise)

• Chasen the Pilot 

• Hunter the Handshaker 

• Brian the Boring Math Teacher

• Thomas the Pro Basketball Player 

• Ryan Whose Hair Was Almost as Floppy as John Paul Jones (there can only be one)

Goodnight, sweet princes of darkness.

Coming up this season: It’s gonna be a wild ride, kids. We’ve got the men rumbling while in kilts, someone being carted off in an ambulance, lots of everyone telling Luke P. they hate him—and more of Hannah Beast. No, I don’t mean the roaring, crazed Hannah, I mean the Takes No Fucking Shit From Men, Hannah. Someone, apparently, tries to slut-shame her for having sex while being religious, and she PUTS THEM IN THEIR FUCKING PLACE. We also see glimpses of her shooting down men and standing her ground like a badass, and I. AM. HERE. FOR. IT. More Hannah, less dick jokes and joke dicks! 

Until next week!