If you want to skip my recap of the Bachelorette Reunion because you don’t have the time/will/brainpower/masochism levels to read the entire thing, here’s a quick recap of the full 2 hours:

• 1 Hour: Crazed Bachelorverse Super Fan segments

• 15 Minutes: Lame “Best-Of” moments

• 15 Minutes: A montage of past seasons’ villains and where their pathetic lives are now 

• 15 Minutes: Hannah B frolicking around Alabama

• 10 Minutes: Rachels’ fake as fuck bridal shower

• 5 Minutes: Actual reunion with the past Bachelorettes 

And of course there was no continuity to any of it—scenes of the Bachelorettes chugging pinot grigio at 10am were jarringly interspersed with scenes of past douchebag contestants, painfully stupid “Bachelorette Secrets,” screaming Super Fans, and montages that made no sense (think: Ashley I falling apart right before getting sent home on the 2:1 date on the Bachelor, despite this being a Bachelorette reunion).

So, if you’re still willing to read this utter tragedy, then good fucking luck, you poor fuck.

Let’s dive in.

Ham It Up: Hannah Alabama In Her Element

Technically we open with…Hannah Alabama eating a slab of ham at a diner while screaming ROLL TIDE. But fuck that, because I’m not talking about her until next Monday. 

My First Time: A Very Special Montage

After a season rife with virgin jokes, what better way to get the action going than with a special montage of first times:

• The First Bachelorverse Kiss (2002: Alex Michel and LaNease)

• The First Bachelorverse Wedding (2003: Trista and Ryan)

• The First Bachelor to Say the Wrong Name (2004: Jesse Palmer, when he called Katie instead of Karen)

• The First Hot Tub Appearance (2002: Alex and whoever the fuck)

• The First Man-Cry (2002: Aaron Buerge)

• The First Man-Sob (2016: Jason “who else?” Mesnick)

• The First Bro-Shaming of Chris Harrison (2016: Chad fucking Johnson)

• The First Animal Costume (2017: Alexis aka Dolphin Girl)

• The First Murder of a Stuffed Animal (2018: When Jordan threw a tantrum and hurled a gigantic stuffed animal into the ocean)

What a fucking ride. 

Swimfan: The Bachelorverse Super Fan Experience 

Look, I can’t go too hard on Bachelorverse fans that go to Bachelorverse events, because I went to a filming of the Bachelorette this past spring. In fact, my qt buns were featured in the Bachelorette promo at the end of this monstrosity:

But the Super Fans they hosted for this reunion took things to such a new level that I nearly died of secondhand embarrassment. Packed onto a sightseeing bus by Zaddy Chris Harrison during a blistering hot day in LA, our herd of Super Fans are left to roast under the sun as they drive past Bachelorverse Hot Spots or what the fuck ever. 

“Here’s a building that was on the show!” Zaddy exclaims, pointing vaguely to a pack of office buildings behind him. 

This breathtaking tour is maybe the best thing that’s ever happened to any of them. But of course, it doesn’t end there.

To their utter, manic delight, they’re of course not just sightseeing—they’re off to the Bachelor Mansion! And they get to meet the gaggle of past Bachelorettes! Upon seeing Casa de Bachelor, they all promptly fell apart, sobbing as they sprinted through the rooms like a pack of wine-drunk wildebeest. One of them kissed the Mansion floor, for fuck’s sake. 

“This is the greatest day of my life!” cries one contestant, fully knowing this is going be shown on national TV.

I’m legitimately shocked they didn’t dress up like their favorite past Bachelorettes and reenact their favorite scenes from past seasons.

“Look, I thought I was going to pick you, because you’re perfect, but I’m actually going to send your ass home and willingly pick a guy that laughed over the Parkland shooting victims and mocked trans people,” a Becca impersonator would say, shrugging, as a Blake impersonator sobs.

And, speaking of which

Bachelorette Secret: Broken Hearts, Broken Beds

One of the “had lots of promise but was just painful and stupid” planned gags included the Bachelorette Secrets, which were supposed to be deliciously dramatic tidbits from seasons past. 

So of course we open with one from Becca.

Becca: People wonder if Garrett and I spent the night together during our Fantasy Suite. We maaaay have broken the bed. Sorry, mom!

Has anyone seen a jug of bleach I can drink?

And, speaking of which.

The Bachelorette Bad Boys: Mold-Filled Leftovers

What reunion special is complete without a laundry list of terrible exes?

A veritable Who’s Who list of Swipe Lefts, this montage of nausea-inducing past contestants shows us that hey, things could always be worse. Somehow. Some way. Because there is no god. 

We have Chad, aka Bad Chad, the villain of JoJo’s season. Famous for being booted off of Paradise for being a belligerent butthole to Zaddy Harrison, I’m sure Chad now spends his days punching holes in walls and calling women fat if they reject him. 

We have Wes Hayden, a guy that looks like he sleeps in a dumpster behind a Chick-fil-A and brags about it. He was booted off of Jillian’s season because he somehow had someone at home that had agreed to date him during the entire duration of the show. Now he’s “living off his singing” in between bartending and probably driving an Uber with a 2.4 rating, and claims he “found Jesus” and “had a spiritual awakening” which means he probably calls women bitches on Tinder only once a day, down from 3-5. 

We have Justin “Rated R” Rego from Ali’s season, who also had a girlfriend back home. When this was discovered and Ali confronted him, he literally ran away from her, careening through flowerbeds with a fucking foot cast on. He now bartends, which allows him to hit on an endless stream of women. We’re treated to a mini montage of him bragging about how all of the women love him, cheers-ing to the “glory days,” and calling women “females.

We have David Good, from Jillian’s season, who kept threatening to beat up the other contestants. The guy was nothing more than a sentient red flag, which is proven by a check-in with him now, during which he sobs crocodile tears and claims he’s a changed man, while his wife blandly blinks at the cameras. 

We have Kalon McMahon, from Emily’s season, who called Emily’s daughter “baggage.” He now plays golf and has a dog, which he sort of equates to having a wife, which is terrible on every level. 

I need another bleach, straight up. Immediately.

Bachelorette Secrets: The Rest of Them

None of these secrets are exciting enough to warrant their own section, so here you go:

• JoJo: Her secret is that she projectile vomited during her first Rose Ceremony. Fun!

• Ali: Her secret is that she banged Frank from her season—the one who thought he was still in love with his ex—once, after she and Roberto broke up. Cool! 

• Rachel: Her secret is that she didn’t bang Nick in the Fantasy Suites. Sure!

• Kaitlyn: Her secret is that she called Becca first before making her move on Jason Tartick. That’s not a secret, but okay!

• Jillian: Not interesting enough to get a secret

• Trista: Not interesting enough to get a secret

• DeAnna: Not interesting enough to get a secret

• Emily: Not interesting enough to get a secret

• Ashley: Not interesting enough to get a secret

• Desiree: Not interesting enough to get a secret

• Andi: Not interesting enough to get a secret

Fifth Time’s the Charm: A Nick Viall Biography 

Ah, Nick. Look, I’m just going to come out and say it: I love Nick.

I know, I know. But fuck it. The guy’s just so…yeah. Somehow, in his beardless buffoon days, he managed to get to the Final 2 for both Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons, and had Jen Saviano want him to propose to her on Paradise.

Then, he grows a beard and gets hot, and continues on to the Bachelor, where he somehow snagged Vanessa Grimaldi for like a month. Plus, the guy gave Raven her first orgasm ever! And now he paints with his shirt off!

Talk about a redemption arc. 

Anyway, since he literally can’t stop appearing in seasons of this show, Nick is of course trotted out to be comic relief. Which is a good thing—and I say this sincerely—because he was literally the only good thing during the entire episode. 

He spent a significant amount of the episode just being Nick: bantering with heart-eyed Super Fans, joking about his layers of trauma with Zaddy, and considering proposals from the elderly.

At one point, two grandmas proposition him for a threesome, to which he sort of frowns, cocks his head and thinks, and shrugs.

It’s Show(er) Time: Rachel Goes Bridal

Did anyone forget that Rachel and Bryan are getting married? I wish I could (RIP, Peter) but of course this franchise won’t let us forget something of this magnitude—which is why we dedicated like, a third of it to a fake bridal shower for Rachel (with all of her friends and, like, randomly Ali?) and a ring shopping montage with living corpse Neil Lane.

I DON’T WANT IT IF IT DOESN’T INVOLVE PETER, PRODUCERS.

The Ghosts of Bachelorettes Past: The Reunion 

So this reunion is supposed to be about the past Bachelorettes, but we wasted 1.75 hours out of 2 on a bunch of other dumb shit (see: Chad) and by the time we get to the actual reunion, it’s so short, staged, and stupid that it makes me want to rappel without a rope out of the nearest window. 

We roll out every single past Bachelorette, conspicuously minus Meredith and Jen, in front of a slavering sea of Super Fans:

• Becca sashays out in a white tube top and white striped pants, and honestly, I’m here for this outfit 

• Rachel slinks out in a in a snakeskin-print dress

• JoJo skips out in a one-armed mini

• Kaitlyn barrels out in a red short suit outfit with a bralette?

• Andi flows out in a white Grecian jumpsuit

• Desiree stumbles out in an ill-fitting 3/4 bell-sleeve jumpsuit 

• Emily meanders our in a long-sleeve mock-neck mini

• Ashley struts out in a LBD

• Ali flits out in a fluttery white dress

• Jillian strolls out in a long-sleeve peasant dress

• Deanna stalks out in a one-strap black jumpsuit

• Trista twirls out in a pink summer dress that I’m pretty sure I owned in 1997

Given that this is a group of fun, engaging, sociable women, it’s all very underwhelming and I’m disappointed right out the get go. Someone get the wine, stat!

But even after one or seven glasses of wine, things just still feel stunted. It’s clear the women aren’t particularly close (or even know each other beyond today) and instead of this being rife with glorious gossip and delightful catching up, they all seem like they’d rather be anywhere else. 

Sure, they discuss the fact that basically all of them have hooked up with Nick, and they discuss Arie’s ability to unhinge his jaw before kissing, and Jason Tartick is still, inexplicably, a thing, but that’s really it. I mean it. Emily blathers on about how she wanted a minivan full of kids, and got the kids but not the mini van. There’s mention of JoJo’s projectile vomiting. They all ponder over how bizarre it is that they were the Bachelorette. In the distance, the Super Fans scream.

End scene.

After all of this build up, I want my goddamn money back. Or whatever the equivalent here is. Two precious hours of my life that I’ll never get back? That has to add up to something, financially. 

But this is the Bachelorverse, and it does not give—it only takes. 

Until next week, with the beginning of Hannah’s season! 

May a higher power have mercy on our souls.