The Bachelor S23 E11: The One Where It All Goes to Hell

mas·och·ism

/ˈmasəˌkizəm,ˈmazəˌkizəm/

noun

the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one's own pain or humiliation.
pleasure in being abused or dominated; a taste for suffering
the act of continuously watching The Bachelor despite knowing you’ll want to impale yourself on a particularly sharp spike

Jesus fucking Chris, is there any way in hell that this hasn’t been the worst season of all time? Like yeah, Colton didn’t pull a Bob Guiney and sleep with “5 and a half” of the contestants, but his personal brand of confusion, terror, uncertainty, and stunted maturity was such a clusterfuck that it caused me physical pain.

And then there was the finale.

Spread over two fucking nights—with the fucking Live! schtick—the finale is a ripe diaper of disaster, offering no solace, no respite, no shelter from the pain.

And yet here the fuck I am, blogging about this batch of utter fucking idiots. At 33 years old, I’ve spent literally days upon days upon days watching, tweeting, and blogging about 23 year olds, stunted virgins, and endless nipple shower scenes.

I am an embarrassment to my family, to my friends, and to myself.

Let’s dive in!

Breaking Bad

“Will Colton remain a VIRGIN?!” Zaddy Chris Harrison screams, as the live studio audience roars in a frenzy of bloodlust behind him.

If I have to hear the word “virgin” one more fucking time, I’m going to murder someone. Which is a shame, because it was uttered one second later, so I’m now writing this recap from jail.

Anyway, no matter how fucking awful this season was, we at least did get the incredible Fence Jumping Scene (TM) and Colton’s tragic breakup with Cassie. And, since “masochism” is the theme of the season, we get to watch yet another recap of the night. God, I could watch her break up with him forever.

In addition to all of the tears and vertical fence jumping, we get a delightful front seat to Colton’s running-away-from-home antics in the aftermath of his infamous leap.

“I think we should go back and look in the brush more!” shouts a Producer out in the darkness.

Zaddy Chris Harrison, uncharacteristically ruffled, is shown stalking through the Portuguese night, searching for his missing leading man. It reminds me of the time my 6-year-old brother ran away from home (i.e. down the street) and my dad had to go lure him back with chocolate and hugs.

Finally the cameras find a tearful, beaten down Colton, shoulders slumped as he mopes through the inky black countryside. It would be funny, but it’s just mostly sad and pathetic. Although…

Okay, fine. Colton’s reaction after being found—talking about how he never feels like he’s good enough, or worth enough—is a Big Mood. In fact, this them has been a Big Mood for most of the season, with numerous contestants showing rare vulnerability and emotion as they discuss not feeling like they’re enough, or like someone is going to love them the way they’ve loved someone.

It’s an incredibly painful, relatable emotion, and it would make a generally fascinating topic, if the Producers were to focus on it the right way. However, lest we forget, we are in hell, and instead we favor endless shots of Colton soaping his nipples in the shower, rather than diving into the layered intricacies of the balance of love in a relationship.

The next morning, our weepy nipple king is still at it, lamenting about how he’s been through a lot this year. And he’s not wrong—to sum it up, he:

Dated Tia right after Arie’s season of The Bachelor, right before finding out he’d made it onto The Bachelorette, which meant he had to then end things with her
Went on The Bachelorette, likely assuming Tia would be the Bachelorette
Faced Becca, a new Bachelorette, since the whole Arie/Lauren debacle blew up Tia’s chances
Revealed his virgin status to the entire world
Had it revealed by Tia in the 11th hour that they’d dated, effectively derailing his relationship with Becca
Got dumped by Becca on The Bachelorette
Went on Bachelor in Paradise, which Tia conveniently was also on
Dated Tia on national TV for awhile
Cried a fuck ton on national TV repeatedly
Had Becca swoop into Paradise to remind him that she’d dumped his ass for a racist, misogynistic, bigoted, xenophobic ass monkey
Broke up with Tia on Bachelor in Paradise
Became the next Bachelor despite a massive outcry
Had his virginity literally made the centerpiece of the entire season
Got dumped by like, 15 of the women he was supposed to dump on The Bachelor
Just got his heart ripped out of his chest on national TV by Cassie
Still has 1.5 fucking episodes of The Bachelor to finish

God damn, is that a staggering pile of epic fails. Makes me kinda feel bad for the guy, even with all of the nipples and virgin jokes. Kinda. I’d probably root for him if he had learned one goddamn thing from all of this, but alas, he has not.

“I know she loves me!” he cries to the cameras, re: Cassie. The morning after she dumped him. On national TV. “I know I can trust my feelings! She wants to be with me!”

Oh, bro. Let me spell it out for all of the men reading this blog—if a woman tells you she’s not interested in you, and doesn’t want to date you, it means she’s NOT INTERESTED IN YOU AND DOESN’T WANT TO DATE YOU. End of story. Do not rush off to change her mind or browbeat her into a relationship with you. She does not want you, do not pass Go, insert other phrase about fucking stopping here.

It’s just another shining example of why a cast full of 23-year-old fetuses and a 26-year-old stunted man-baby virgin is a fucking recipe for disaster. Stop hauling on idiots that aren’t ready for commitment, let alone marriage! Let’s see some actual adults, MIKE FUCKING FLEISS. That’s right, stop tweeting the Kardashians and start listening to me already. Jesus.

Alas, no one is listening, because Colton has decided that he’s going to go for Cassie—again, the one that just dumped him on national TV—and he’s going to send the other two women home. The ones that told him they loved him. Not knowing if Cassie will take him back. After she just told him she doesn’t love him and doesn’t want to be with him.

I just.

I cannot.

Dumps Like a Truck, Truck, Truck

We begin our late-season massacre with Tayshia. Now to be fair, I fucking hate Tayshia. That’s it, that’s my only point here.

So Colton shows up at Tayshia’s door (after a delightful scene of her scrapbooking some monstrosity of the two of them), and she’s super duper surprised, despite wearing a full face of makeup and looking qt in a casual-chic outfit. I may hate Tayshia, but girl’s fashion choices are on point.

“If only my good taste extended to men!” (ABC)

Anyway, she takes one look at Colton’s bloated, tear-sodden face and knows something’s up. He slurs at her a bit, essentially spitting out that he can’t be in love with two people at the same time (which is more of a stretch than a Cirque du Soleil act, because he’s totally not in love with either Cassie or Tayshia) and that he’s choosing Cassie.

“I love Cassie,” Colton explains helpfully.

“Mmhm,” Tayshia replies, without any feeling whatsoever.

“So, this is like, it?” she asks, yawning.

“Yeah."

A regular Shakespearean tragedy over here.

Tayshia finally suggests they go inside, which is pointless because they both still have their mics on, so we then get to watch titillating footage of a closed door for 5 fucking minutes while the two cry loudly into their mics and Tayshia inexplicably apologizes.

The entire thing is Oscar worthy, on Tayshia’s part, given that she has no interest in Colton whatsoever. Besides, by this point she doesn’t know Hannah B is the next Bachelorette, so think of this as her For Your Consideration moment. Delicious.

Back in the studio, a solemn Zaddy Harrison ushers a pretending-to-be-heartbroken Tayshia to the couch for her grill session. Remember, folks, we have to suffer through this Live! bullshit, which means we get to watch our our last pool of contestants cry, whine, and relive the mortifying fact that they were either dumped by, or chosen by, a stunted man-baby virgin.

“You were taking care of him,” Chris Harrison points out, as Tayshia wipes away fake tears. “It’s not usual to see the person being broken up with comforting the other person."

Yeah, well, when your Bachelor literally is a stunted man-baby that’s desperately looking for a mother figure, this is what you fucking get.

Pretending like she’s trying to be stoic in the face of lost love, Tayshia pulls herself together as Colton is trotted out. He’s rocking some gelled-up ‘do that was popular back in 2003, and it’s tragic. It’s also the exact same ‘do that Cassie’s dad has, so make of that what you fucking will.

“And then,” Chris Harrison says, gazing solemnly at these two fucking idiots, “in one of the most heartbreaking scenes ever, Colton broke up with Tayshia.

Alright, Zaddy, I love you, but you trippin. “Heartbreaking” is so far from reality here that, in keeping with the season’s theme, it’s literally painful.

Also painful is the stilted, awkward, entirely uninterested conversation that the two then have. They couldn’t be interested in each other if they tried, and it’s so absurdly obvious to everyone but them. Well that’s not true—they know they weren’t interested, but Colton is dense as a block of cement, and Tayshia thinks no one can see through her bullshit, so here we are.

thank u, next

By this point I was waving a hearty goodbye to Tayshia, but still holding out hope that Colton would somehow come to whatever teeny iota of sense he had and decide to stick with Hannah G, rather than running back after Cassie.

Not that I think he and Hannah G were in it for the long haul, but she was the clear front runner for 95% of the season, and the two had plenty of chemistry. Colton does confuse lust for love, but you know what—these two kids (and I do mean kids) are a 26-year-old virgin and a 23-year-old pseudo country music video star, and getting together to bang a lot for like, 3 month is what kids their age fucking do.

Besides, Colton liked to do things like tell Hannah she “felt like home” and whatever the fuck that means, and they were always groping each other and making out every which way, so you’d think he’d at least listen to his dick for once in his life and go for it, but again, let me remind you, WE ARE IN HELL.

So Colton shows up at Hannah G’s hotel room, and she’s adorably excited, which is kind of painful. I actually quite like Hannah—she’s boring and charmingly vapid, but she seems genuinely nice enough, and she never got into any of the bullshit drama in the mansion.

I kept hoping that he was going to see the light—and he very nearly did a few times, as evidenced by his sobbing to the cameras—but. Well. Let’s take a look.

“Hannah, you’ve been my rock through all of this, so I’m dumping you lmao” is basically how it goes down. Colton gives her the same “I can’t be in love with two people at the same time!” line, while she boggles at him.

“I thought it was going to be you,” he literally says. “You still remind me of home.”

Okay, Colton, SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. Enough with the pathetic waffling and gaslighting bullshit. If you’re going to break up with Hannah, stop torturing the poor thing, she basically just graduated from middle school and doesn’t deserve this.

He hems and haws and sort of breaks up with her, but then keeps asking himself aloud what he’s doing and why, and Hannah is 1 second away from ripping her own hair out in frustration. I already have clumps of my own hair in both of my fists from watching this, so girl, I feel you.

Colton legit does to Hannah what Cassie did to him, and I am NOT here for it. Didn’t he learn anything in this whole debacle? I mean the man vertically jumped an 8-foot fence, for fuck’s sake, doesn’t he realize that pulling the same waffling, manipulative bullshit with someone else is going to affect them the same way?

Oh who the fuck am I kidding, this is Colton we’re talking about here.

Anyway yeah, he dumps Hannah G, and that’s when I went outside and started setting cars on fire and shit. You know, typical Bachelorverse nonsense.

Back in the studio, Zaddy Harrison welcomes Hannah G, who’s legit looking flyyyyyy AF in a short emerald green dress. Her grill segment is mostly boring (think: discussing the dumping at length, lots of gently wiped tears, etc. etc. etc.) except for the very end of it.

Zaddy Harrison asks her if she’s still in love with Colton, which is a hilariously stupid question, because of course she is—she professed her love numerous times and talked about how much she wanted to be with Colton and marry Colton and so on and so forth.

“I was in love with him,” she agrees, gently wiping away another tear. “But now I’m not.”

BITCH IT’S BEEN LIKE, A MONTH. ACTUAL LOVE LASTS LONGER THAN A MONTH. YOU CAN’T JUST SHUT THAT SHIT OFF IF IT BECOMES INCONVENIENT FOR YOU. OTHERWISE I WOULD’VE BEEN ABLE TO CUT MY 40-SOMETHING EX OFF A YEAR AGO WHEN HE JUST ENDLESSLY TEXTED ME ABOUT HORROR MOVIES THEN LEFT ME ON READ.

The Bro Code

Since Colton is too fucking stupid to think or be trusted to act on his own volition, Zaddy Harrison trots in a panel of past ‘verse stars to ramble endlessly on about how they see this all playing out.

In come:

Blake, which is a painful, painful reminder that he should’ve been the next Bachelor. Blake was the only good thing to come out of Becca’s season. Although I disliked him at first because he was sweet and kind and generous, and I like older men who treat me like shit, I came to love this perfect beacon of wonderfulness.
Jason, that dude who’s never washed his hair and is now dating Kaitlyn Bristowe, despite the fact that Becca couldn’t remember his name during her own season
Garrett, who won the Bachelorette over Blake, despite having to apologize on national TV for smashing that Like button on numerous misogynistic, bigoted, xenophobic, racist Instagram posts (but he’s a changed man now!!)
And Ben fucking Higgins, who ABC seems to think anyone cares about in the slightest. Ben is famous for his time on the Bachelor, when he told both his final contestants that he loved them, and really fucked it all up for everyone.

Cool.

At one point they mention that Becca—or “your girl,” to Garrett—is there. But they don’t bring her out or anything, because why would they listen to a grown ass woman who has an interesting perspective on this, when they could listen to a panel of man-babies (not you, Blake—call me) rant on and on and on about what’s going on in a woman’s mind?

Anyway, I literally don’t listen to anything else past this point, because I’m too busy sobbing over Blake.

Finally, in the death throes of this godforsaken episode, we see footage of Cassie inexplicably still in Portugal, packing her bags despite supposedly having left at least a day ago. Then we cut to a seen of Colton psyching himself up for this inevitable train wreck, knocking on her door, and disappearing inside. God, how I fucking wish Cassie’s dad had answered the door.

We end with Zaddy Harrison slavering over whether or not Colton will finally lose his virginity in the second half of the finale, and then we ominously cut to black.

Until next episode!

Hi.