The Bachelorette S15: Unleash the (Hannah) Beast
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEWEST CAST OF THE BACHELORETTE HAS…been sort of revealed. Not, like, their official bios with all of their information, but merely a slew of hilariously awkward photos of them posing in front of a green screen, and the barest minimum of details possible. Which seems fitting because 1) these fucking yokels all seem so pathetic they don’t even warrant a bio, and 2) the Producers already know this season is going to be a fucking train wreck, so why not just go right ahead and embrace it from the get-go?
Among a sad pile of others, here we have:
2 Connors
2 Joes and a Joey
a John Paul and a Jonathan
2 Lukes
2 Matt Ds and a Matt S and a Matteo
2 Tylers
I can’t wait to forget each and every one of them.
I can only surmise that the casting call consisted of the Producers realizing they needed a gaggle of contestants the day before Hannah was announced on air, so they ran to the nearest Sig Ep house and just wrangled in the first 32 brothers they found gathered around the nearest keg.
When we actually get their bios I’ll do an update, but for now, let’s judge these fucking losers based solely on their faces and body posture!
(ABC)
Ben
Age: 30
Hometown: Charlotte, NC
Snap Judgement: Serial killer. But like, a Ted Bundy type—kinda charming, you know?
What I Think He Does for a Living: Software engineer or something
My Prediction: Booted out mid-season
(ABC)
Brian
Age: 30
Hometown: Louisville, KY
Snap Judgement: Gets WAY too fucking excited about literally anything and everything
What I Think He Does for a Living: Calls himself a VP of Sales but really just does entry-level inbound sales
My Prediction: Final 4
(ABC)
Cameron
Age: 30
Hometown: Austin, TX
FYI: This is that fucking rapper that got the Rose on The Bachelor finale. I hate him so fucking much already.
What I Think He Does for a Living: Is a barista at Starbucks but tells everyone he’s “working on his music"
My Prediction: Is the runner-up to someone truly horrible
(ABC)
Chasen
Age: 27
Hometown: Longview, WA
Snap Judgement: Who the fuck names their child Chasen?
What I Think He Does for a Living: Is a VP solely in title at his dad’s law firm
My Prediction: Makes it to mid-season until “Hannah Beast” wants to murder him for talking endlessly about how much money his dad has
(ABC)
Connor J
Age: 28
Hometown: Newport Beach, CA
Snap Judgement: Realized too late that he actually signed up for The Bachelorette after a night of aggressive bing drinking
What I Think He Does for a Living: Pumps iron with Squee
My Prediction: Goes home the first night after totally butchering his intro
(ABC)
Connor S
Age: 24
Hometown: Dallas, TX
FYI: He was on The Bachelor finale, where he brought out a stool so he and Hannah could “be on the same level” so he’s already a fucking tool
What I Think He Does for a Living: Devil’s Triangles with the other Connor and Squee
My Prediction: Hannah forgets his name then sends him home at the end of an early group date
(ABC)
Daron
Age: 25
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Snap Judgement: He’s actually someone’s dad that mistakenly wandered on set
What I Think He Does for a Living: Accountant for the past 20 years
My Prediction: Goes home within the first 2-3 episodes, mostly because everyone keeps thinking he’s a Producer
(ABC)
Devin
Age: 27
Hometown: Sherman Oaks, CA
Snap Judgement: Calls himself “a good guy” but has three girlfriends at home that he’s currently dating, and he smuggles in a phone to slide into DMs during filming
What I Think He Does for a Living: Lives in the “apartment” above his parents’ garage
My Prediction: Gets sent home mid-season after hitting on an Intern
(ABC)
Dustin
Age: 30
Hometown: Chicago, IL
FYI: He was that guy that came out with two glasses of champagne to hilariously humiliate Hannah on live TV re: her complete and utter inability to do a toast
What I Think He Does for a Living: Drives an Uber and keeps failing to get into Upright Citizen’s Brigade
My Prediction: Sent home the same episode as Devin
(ABC)
Dylan
Age: 24
Hometown: San Diego
Snap Judgement: Has the personality of a dusty old brick
What I Think He Does for a Living: Lives off his trust fund
My Prediction: Makes it to Fantasy Suites but misses the Final Two
(ABC)
Garrett
Age: 27
Hometown: Birmingham, AL
Snap Judgement: Definitely owns a “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt
What I Think He Does for a Living: Attends MAGA rallies
My Prediction: Gets send home by episode 6 after a flood of racist tweets are unearthed
(ABC)
Grant
Age: 30
Hometown: San Clemente, CA
Snap Judgement: Okay this guy looks fucking 45
What I Think He Does for a Living: Takes care of his 4 adult children
My Prediction: Goes the fuck home night 1
(ABC)
Hunter
Age: 24
Hometown: Westchester, CA
Snap Judgement: Looks adorable and is probably way too nice of a guy to be on this dumpster fire of a franchise
What I Think He Does for a Living: Diligently working his way up the ladder as a graphic designer
My Prediction: Makes it to Hometowns, but is booted right after in favor of three horror show finalists
(ABC)
Jed
Age: 25
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Snap Judgement: Has tried out (and failed to make it on) American Idol at least three times
What I Think He Does for a Living: Lives with 5 roommates and keeps them up at all hours by singing loudly for attention
My Prediction: Gets booted on a 2-on-1 date
(ABC)
Joe B.
Age: 30
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Snap Judgement: Thinks Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci is a really stand-up guy
What I Think He Does for a Living: Tells people he’s a lobbyist, but really just interned on the Hill for a semester in college
My Prediction: Makes it at least midway through the season, because there is no god
(ABC)
Joe R.
Age: 27
Hometown: Staten Island, NY
Snap Judgement: Still uses the term “GTL”
What I Think He Does for a Living: Pauly D impersonator
My Prediction: Makes it to Fantasy Suites
(ABC)
Joey
Age: 33
Hometown: Bethesda, MD
Snap Judgement: What fucking 33-year-old man still calls himself Joey?
What I Think He Does for a Living: Hits up 18+ nights at clubs to find his next date
My Prediction: Gets sent home mid-season after Hannah vaguely realizes that a 10-year age difference at just-24 and 33 is basically 25 years in the real world
(ABC)
John Paul
Age: 24
Hometown: New Carrolton, MD
Snap Judgement: Tells everyone he’s a direct descendant from Vikings because his 23andMe report said he was of 50% Nordic descent
What I Think He Does for a Living: Social Media Participant
My Prediction: Makes it way too fucking far
(ABC)
Jonathan
Age: 27
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA
Snap Judgement: Has a super fucking annoying laugh, so listening to him and Hannah cackle will make your eardrums bleed
What I Think He Does for a Living: MLM “influencer” on Instagram
My Prediction: Is booted by episode 7
(ABC)
Kevin
Age: 27
Hometown: Manteno, IL
Snap Judgement: He’s wearing a fucking cause bracelet in his picture, so he’s gotta be an insufferable douche canoe
What I Think He Does for a Living: Tells people he “fights Cystic Fibrosis” because he once donated $10
My Prediction: Wins the fucking season
(ABC)
Luke P.
Age: 24
Hometown: Gainesville, GA
FYI: He was the boring Luke (or the non-oral-sex-joke making Luke, depending on how you look at it) on The Bachelor finale. According to the Gainesville Times: "His brother and sister-in-law actually submitted Luke for the show. 'He didn’t really want to be on the show if it was anybody else other than her,' his brother said."
What I Think He Does for a Living: Builds Helga Pataki-style shrines to Hannah in his free time
My Prediction: Sent home on episode 2, because Hannah feels bad about sending him home on the first night
(ABC)
Luke S
Age: 29
Hometown: Washington, DC
Snap Judgement: This poor man’s Jojen Reed is the Luke that made that oral sex joke on live fucking TV during The Bachelor finale. I assume he couldn’t please a woman if he had an instruction manual and explicit directions from a panel of porn stars.
What I Think He Does for a Living: Watches enough YouPorn to keep the site up on his own
My Prediction: Makes it to mid-season and then gets immediately invited to Paradise, where he calls himself “The Goose 2.0”
(ABC)
Matt D #1
Age: 31
Hometown: Los Gatos, CA
Snap Judgement: Is so fucking boring he could make a stump look positively fascinating
What I Think He Does for a Living: Insurance adjuster for Geico
My Prediction: Goes home night 1
(ABC)
Matt D #2
Age: 31
Hometown: Winter Springs, FL
Snap Judgement: Could use his head as a floatation device in the event of an emergency
What I Think He Does for a Living: Is told a lot that he looks like a sort of hotter, stoned Toby from The Office
My Prediction: Goes home night 1
(ABC)
Matt S.
Age: 23
Hometown: Newport, CA
Snap Judgement: Wears a fake Rolex and tells everyone he’s the COO of a technology company
What I Think He Does for a Living: Started a website ranking women by looks with two of his closest friends (the CEO and CTO, respectively) but doesn’t realize he’s competing in a completely oversaturated field and they’ll lose the $5K loan their parents collectively gave them within the month
My Prediction: Stays until mid-season because Hannah can’t tell any of the Matts apart
(ABC)
Matteo
Age: 25
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Snap Judgement: Thinks wearing a pleather jacket makes him “edgy"
What I Think He Does for a Living: Has had a few bit parts in local theater productions of Grease and Newsies
My Prediction: Survives the 2:1 but is sent home the next episode
(ABC)
Mike
Age: 31
Hometown: San Antonio, TX
Snap Judgement: Talks a lot about being a country boy, despite never having lived in the country
What I Think He Does for a Living: A vague marketing role that doesn’t actually line up with any real marketing role
My Prediction: Treads water until episode 8
(ABC)
Peter
Age: 27
Hometown: Westlake Village, CA
Snap Judgement: Talks endlessly about how he lost 100 pounds between high school and now
What I Think He Does for a Living: Criticizes other people for their food choices and how “those things add up, you know"
My Prediction: Sent home by episode 3
(ABC)
Ryan
Age: 25
Hometown: Philadelphia, PA
Snap Judgement: Has more hair products than Hannah at the height of her pageant career
What I Think He Does for a Living: Entry-level social media for a haircare retailer, but tells everyone he’s the Director of Social Media
My Prediction: Makes it to Hometowns
(ABC)
Scott
Age: 28
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Snap Judgement: Speaks three words of Spanish and calls himself a “Latin Lover"
What I Think He Does for a Living: DJs shitty clubs where women get in for free
My Prediction: Booted out right around midseason
(ABC)
Thomas
Age: 27
Hometown: Southfield, MI
Snap Judgement: Is incredibly uncomfortable in his own skin
What I Think He Does for a Living: Can’t decide which career path to pursue, so keeps job hopping every 6 months
My Prediction: Leaves the show of his own volition to go back to grad school for either English or Engineering, he’s not sure which yet
(ABC)
Tyler C.
Age: 26
Hometown: Jupiter, FL
Snap Judgement: Thinks a sign of success is being able to get a cabana at the Fontainebleau because his dad knows a guy who knows a guy
What I Think He Does for a Living: Hooks up with rich cougars
My Prediction: Final five
(ABC)
Tyler G.
Age: 28
Hometown: Boca Raton, FL
Snap Judgement: Is Tim Tebow’s secret half-brother born out of wedlock
What I Think He Does for a Living: Something in finance
My Prediction: Sent home right before Hometowns because he can’t string together more than 2 coherent words at a time
