First things first: who the fuck were all these women on my television screen?

The one thing that always baffles me is how, in a season consisting of roughly 12 episodes, can I forget so many of these damn contestants? 

Caitlin? Nina? Jane? Who the fuck?

But forget this sea of nobodies, because we have a small group competing to be the next Bachelorette (even though we all know it’s Hannah B, and THAT is another fucking issue all together) and vying for spaces in Paradise, and at least they brought The Drama. 

Let’s dive in.

My Achy Breaky Heart

Like any good love story, we begin the night with a montage of disastrous, tear-filled breakups. God bless this franchise and its complete and utter inability to produce more than 5 or so lasting couples. 

From Vienna and Jake, to Desiree and Brooks, we got to relive some of our most favorite train wrecks in Bachelorverse history. (Conspicuously absent was perhaps the only ACTUAL breakup of any real consequence or feeling—Peter and Rachel, which I’m still too raw about to really discuss. LOVE DIED IN THAT HOTEL ROOM, OKAY.)

While the Producers slaver over the delicious destruction of relationships, they know their audience and don’t want to tip the scales too much, so they immediately cut to a long scene of Colton soaping his nipples in a trailer shower. 

What a time to be alive.

Round 1: Nicole vs. Onyeka

Did you know that every time someone dramatically cries in the Bachelorverse, an angel gets its wings?

And wings were earned in abundance this evening, as we finally focused on our sea of sad rejects, all brimming with the burning desire to hawk Sugar Bear Hair gummies on Instagram and win a one-way ticket to Paradise. 

We start with Nicole, who once again proved she might actually be the most annoying contestant of the season, and that her skills are limited solely to crying, crying, and more crying. (They even show a montage later of her sobbing over everything from Colton’s virgin status, to contestants she doesn’t even know leaving, to her debacle of a duel with Onyeka.)

Oh wait, I almost forgot about Onyeka. Okay, she and Nicole can share the illustrious title of This Season’s Most Annoying Contestant. Fuck them both, honestly.

Obviously the two of them spar off endlessly, sounding like two foghorns bleating non-stop in the night. No one in the entire world cares. 

When Nicole finally gives up (“I feel like I’m drowning!” she sobs), Onyeka turns her bloodlust focus on Sydney, calling her a coward for leaving the show. This is hilarious, given that Sydney gracefully bowed out of dating a 26-year-old virgin man-baby, and Onyeka spent the entire season tromping around in flippers, blowing air horns, and ultimately getting rejected by a 26-year-old virgin man-baby. Cool.

Round 2: Caelynn vs. Everyone

Despite the fact that approximately 75 women told Colton that he was “keeping women that were here for the wrong reasons/not ready to get married/not interested in him in the slightest” we still haven’t had a single one give us a concrete answer as to who those mystery women might be.

Until now.

In one fell swoop, seemingly everyone finally spoke up, saying that it was—SHOCKER—Cassie and Caelynn that were There For The Wrong Reasons. I know, I know, I’m flabbergasted as well—you’re telling me a 23-year-old who’s clearly entirely uninterested in the lead and will do anything to get away from him, and a 23-year-old who’s been embroiled in drama from the second she stepped out of the limo onto that sadly dry driveway, aren’t here for the right reasons??

According to the other women, during a bus ride in Singapore, Cassie and Caelynn made a pact that one of them would “win” this season (which is hilarious, because whoever Colton chooses has lost so, so hard) and the other would be the next Bachelorette. I don’t know how they expected this to work, but given the fact that they’re both essentially dolled up fetuses, I’m not surprised they didn’t think this through.

“UM,” Caelynn offers as a rebuttal, "we’re BEST FRENDS. I never said the word ‘winning’ but we said if one of us got engaged at the end of this, we’d support each other. That’s what BEST FRIENDS DOOOOOO!”

Looking at it objectively, this is also not surprising. Let’s break it down:

1. Neither Cassie nor Caelynn actually have any interest in Colton whosoever. Cassie could barely hide her disgust and disinterest, while Caelynn’s A+ acting has been repeatedly called out on Twitter by people that know her IRL.

2. Their leading man is a stunted 26-year-old version who was already “in love” with Becca and Tia within the span of a whopping 9 months. Of course their end game is have one win for the semi-fame and Neil Lane ring (they can always dump his ass before the wedding) while the other would get a lifetime supply of Fit Tea as the next Bachelorette

3. They’re 23-year-old newborns who are thrown into a Stockholm Syndrome breeding ground, of course they’re going to get caught up in the game

4. Another reminder that they’re 23-year-old newborns, so of course they declare that a woman they met like, a week ago, is their BEST FRIEND. They probably have matching BFF necklaces, each with a half a heart. 

Anyway.

Someone else also accuses Caelynn of sliding into past Bachelor contestants’ DMs, and that’s where I draw the line. I do that at least once a Monday, generally between my third and fourth vodka soda, so back the fuck off.

Round 3: Demi vs. The Cougars

Yawn. For a group of 27-year-old-plus “cougars” these elders sure don’t know how to put up a fight. Lets take a quick look at the women this season that met Demi’s qualifications for geriatric care:

• Tracy (31) an embarrassingly sad sack of rage-filled Tweets and absolutely no backbone, who fell apart when a 23-year-old called her old

• Tayshia (28) who waited 8 fucking years to fuck her husband because he wanted to wait until marriage, and is a manipulative stock character that’s about to get dumped by Colton himself 

• Elyse (31) who dressed like a chic AF bride to dump Colton’s dumb ass, but not before having a minor mental breakdown over him daring to date someone else on a reality dating show

• Sydney (27) who dumped Colton’s dumb ass during that episode where like 5 other women dumped his dumb ass

• Alex B (29) the Canadian Dog Rescuer who went home within the first few episodes 

• Angelique (28) the Marketing Salesperson from NJ who went around episode 3 I think 

• Erika (31) who willingly went by the nickname “The Nut”

• Erin (28) who got booted on the first night after pulling a Cinderella schtick

• Nina (30) who was too pure for this franchise and was unceremoniously booted out far too early

Fucking yikes. 

Mike Fleiss, idea for you: My roommate and I are in our mid- to late 30s, both (mostly) divorced and like, 75% of our friends are also divorced. Have a season based around successful, take-no-shit-from-men, anxiety-riddled A types who have come out the other side. 

Instead of dates where contestants have to pull cars with their bodies or fistfight over ring-shaped cakes, let’s make them complete challenges like understanding their 401k, not mansplaining to us what a menstrual cycle is, or sitting down with us for a lie detector test.

“Are you comfortable with the fact that I, a woman, make twice what you make annually?

“Do you believe a man should help out around the house with cooking, cleaning, and childcare?”

“Do you think that ‘boys being boys’ and ‘it’s just locker room talk’ are incredibly damaging, rape culture-perpetuating, misogynistic excuses to continue to put women down and discount assault and abuse survivors?”

If the answer to any of these questions is “No” then we hurl their pre-packed bags at their faces and force them to walk to a taxi while following them with a Cersei-style chorus of “Shame. Shame. Shame.”

GOD will this bring in the fucking ratings. 

Round 4: Demi vs. Courtney  

Has there ever been a less evenly matched fight than this one? In one corner we have Demi our resident Demon, a tiny little spitfire brimming with sexual innuendo, various BDSM props, a guttural laugh better fit for a mountain troll, and a mom fresh outta federal prison. In the other corner we have Courtney our resident non-entity, a tiny little sack of nothingness that I kept forgetting was actually on the show. 

Courtney starts immediately ranting on and on and on about how Demi called her the cancer of the house, and how that was so disrespectful and so awful and how could she? Demi counters that it’s 2019 and Courtney has still yet to actually talk to Colton (accurate) and that maybe she was wrong to call Courtney a cancer—she’s more like bedbugs. 

Courtney continues to spaz the fuck out about the horror and injustice of being called a cancer, and then promptly gets up, walks over to Demi, and shoves a pacifier into her mouth. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling a slight disconnect about a woman who sobs about being called a cancer, who then decides to storm over and physically assault another woman.

In the end, Demi (of course) comes out on top. When Colton is finally brought out, she stands up and introduces him to Courtney, and prompts Courtney to finally talk to Colton—which, of course, she doesn’t. 

#TeamDemi

In the Hot Seat: Demi

“What in the world just happened?” asks Zaddy Chris Harrison, as Demi pulls the pacifier out of her mouth and joins him on the couches. 

“I have to black that out,” she laughs, waving her hand dismissively. “Let’s talk about Demi!”

God, I love this demonic child of darkness.

Demi holds court immediately, per usual, although is genuinely open about her feelings for Colton, and dealing with her mom’s situation, and the grace she legit showed when Colton sent her packing. We of course watch the scene all over again, and I’m once again impressed that she didn’t eat Colton’s head preying mantis-style. There’s more to this little demon than meets the eye. 

She coos on about how Colton’s virgin status was a turn on for her, and how it works because she likes to take charge in the bedroom. She also says “I’m promiscuous and IDGAF” to a mixture of cheers and confusion, and I am HERE for it. 

Ladies, if you wanna fuck 50 dudes, fuck 50 dudes. If you wanna fuck 500 dudes, fuck 500 dudes. If you wanna fuck 0 dudes, fuck 0 dudes. Whatever the fuck you wanna do, do it. 

In the end, Zaddy all but confirms Demi will be on Paradise, and I already can’t fucking wait.

In the Hot Seat: Nicole

Ugh, remember that crying montage I mentioned earlier? Here’s where all of Bachelor Nation is forced to bear witness to this abomination. I don’t know why they give Nicole airtime at all, she’s so damn awful. 

“I can’t help it, I’m like, an emotional wreck!” she sobs at one point in the montage.

“The only time I feel concerned about Nicole is when she’s not crying,” a frowning Demi tells the cameras. 

Zaddy Chris Harrison, wanting to pretend he’s Oprah, then surprises Nicole with a year’s supply of Halo Top Ice Cream, so that she has something to sob into every night when she’s home alone crying.

I’m going to ignore the staggering misogyny and absurdity of this entire thing, mostly because this is actually what Nicole needs.

In the Hot Seat: Hannah B

Well, the cat’s out of the bagel now, and we all know that Hannah B is going to be the next Bachelorette. 

In case we needed a reminder, enter: her time in the hot seat. 

She looks admittedly fly AF—to the point where we can almost forget that she spent most of the season roaring, doing weird kung fu in the background of random scenes, and forgetting what a toast is. Almost

Anyway, this entire segment is just one big ramp-up to the following week’s announcement that she’s the next Bachelorette. They show the clip about her crying over having lost her virginity before marriage, because it makes her feel broken, and I want to hurl my TV out the window.

VIRGINITY IS NOT A BIG DEAL, PEOPLE. Have sex, don’t have sex, it’s all your personal choice, but STOP acting like having sex makes you broken or bad or used goods. WE ARE WOMEN AND WE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE FUCKING SEX IF WE WANT TO. It doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less worthy of love, for fuck’s fucking sake.

Whatever. 

All things aside, Hannah B has vaguely grown on me, much in the way a benign tumor does. It’s annoying, but not necessarily worrisome, and it’s there so you may as well give it some attention and get used to it.

“I want somebody to love me fiercely,” she says, and Zaddy immediately picks up on the phrase, with the two of them repeating it endlessly. Guess we have our next Bachelorette catchphrase! At this point, I’ll take anything that isn’t “Let’s do the damn thing!” so whatever.

I’m just…when it comes to the Bachelorette, why can’t we have another Rachel? Sure, she lost her fucking mind for a bit there and dumped Peter (RIP) but hey, she and Bryan seem happy enough, and that’s not even the point—the point is that Rachel was a successful attorney in her early 30s, who had a good head on her shoulders, knew who she was, and knew what she wanted. We need more of that, not freshly minted 24 year olds who thrive on drama and need at least a solid decade before they’re actually ready to commit to the long-term nature and actual legalities of marriage.

Why am I even continuing this argument lmao, I’m watching this train wreck of a show and I’ll watch Hannah’s train wreck of a season.

May god have mercy on my soul. 

In the Hot Seat: Caelynn

Because we can’t mention Hannah B without having Caelynn directly follow, who’s trotted out next but our Miss “Carolina” as she was affectionately known, because Colton doesn’t know that there’s a North and a South Carolina. She’s campaigning hard for The Bachelorette—which, given the fact that I’m late AF with my recaps and we already all know Hannah B is the next Bachelorette, makes this so gloriously delicious. 

“I’ve been waiting to find my partner for a long time,” she laments, eyes misting over. It would be painful at best regardless, but knowing that she’s 23 FUCKING YEARS OLD and ONE YEAR OUT OF COLLEGE really makes this a jagged little pill to swallow. Even that joke is hard to swallow, given that she’d probably stare blankly at you if you talked about going down on Uncle Joey in a theater, because she’s almost 10 years younger than the fucking Olson twins.

All that bullshit aside, they do bring up Caelynn’s bravery about coming forth with her story, and that part of the night is admittedly great. I really, really wish the poor thing had never gone through such a nightmare, but I have to say that Bachelor Nation has been nothing but so supportive and so comforting to her (and to all of us watching, really) and it’s fucking amazing. We need more women supporting women, and more men supporting women, and just more supporting women in fucking general in this world.

In the Hot Seat: Colton

Of course any good is immediately negated upon the arrival of our intrepid Virgin.

“Thank you very much for taking the time from your showers,” Zaddy Harrison quips, and I nearly choke to death because I can’t decide if I want to laugh or cry, and it all just sort of comes out in one aggressive howl of pain.

Colton bumbles a bit and smiles like a lobotomized toddler. Luckily, Demi swoops in to save the day.

“Hi Colton!” She chirps, standing up and pointing to Courtney. “Let me introduce you to Courtney.”

God, this little demon is GOLD, people. GOLD. Courtney winces painfully and then proceeds to clam up, saying 0.0% of anything to Colton. Just like her entire run on the show. Colton sort of blinks at her, thinking that he maybe, vaguely, remembers her from somewhere. 

The women get their turns to hurl insults and pointed questions at our brain dead leading man. Caelynn calls him out for no closure or explanation for her elimination. Hannah B calls him out for taking her home to meet his family and then eliminating her. Honestly, it’s all pretty fucking boring. They cry, he cries, Zaddy yawns, and the audience falls asleep. It’s the perfect lead-in for the train wreck of a season finale that’s looming on the horizon.

Oh, and did we mention it’s a live season finale. And a two-parter? Yeah, fuck you.

Until next week!