Welcome to the jungle, where we’ve got none of the fun and none of the games you want, honey. In an episode rife with everything you should need to create epic drama—jetset adventures to Thailand, jungle forage sessions for much-needed food and water, 1:1 dates on exotic private islands, aggressive accidents resulting in stitches and sprained limbs, never-been-kissed 23 year olds exploding internally over endless closeups of Colton’s lips, dramatic exits made whilst donning a wedding-esque dress—this episode was so fucking slow and so fucking boring that it made Super Bowl LIII seem like the fastest, most exhilarating, highest-scoring game of all time.

Before you make like the Rams and roll over and die, let’s dive in.

Let’s Experience Something New 
In case you’ve forgotten, the Producers are here to beat your skull in with the knowledge that Colton is still a virgin. PEOPLE IN THE BACK, DID YOU HEAR THAT? COLTON’S A VIRGIN! But one-upping him in the WTF department is Heather, who claims that, despite having dated several men and having one 8+ month relationship, she has never actually once kissed a man. 

Now, look. I kind of get it with Colton. Especially after seeing his high school pictures, because yikes. That aside, virginity in general has been massively blown up into something it’s not, and plenty of people are afraid to jump in and/or on to that particular ride. Especially when they wait and push it off and wait some more, and it somehow becomes a personality trait—like Doug over there is very extroverted, and Sally over there is very agreeable, and Colton over there is a huge virgin. 

But kissing is another thing. Yes, yes, it’s a big deal if you’re 10, but for most people, kissing becomes as natural as breathing by the time you hit middle school. And of fucking course, if you have any kind of trauma that makes kissing frightening or uncomfortable, then that’s more than understandable and something else entirely. But for someone like Heather, who claims to be well adjusted and sociable and eager to lock lips with our tenuous beacon of manliness, I’m just fucking stumped. Either girl is lying through her fucking teeth, or something is hugely, hugely amiss. How the FUCK do you date someone through college for nearly a year without kissing them once? ONCE. If you’re in a good enough place to get onto a reality show known for it’s endless makeout sessions and Fantasy Suite fuck fests, how have you never once kissed anyone on this fucking planet?

To me, Heather’s weirdness goes beyond her lack of face sucking. Is it just me, or does there seem to be something a little…off with Heather? Like her eyes never seem to be focused on anything, always looking off into the distance to another astral plane or what the fuck ever. Like what IS it with her? Why do I always have the sinking sensation that Heather is a cursed doll sprung to life or something? Doesn’t she give off some weird fucking vibes?

Jesus, I need a drink. And maybe a priest.

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, the endless assault and battery that is Colton’s virginity and Heather’s derth of kisses. 

So our remaining gaggle of ladies have been hurled over to Thailand, and are eagerly awaiting news about the first 1:1 date of the episode. There’s a helpful map shown to point out where Thailand is, because these women are so geographically challenged I’m amazed they can find their way from the bedroom to the bathroom. “Singapore was such a great city!” Demi chirps, hammering in that final nail. 

Elyse in particular is freaking the fuck out and pulling a Hannah B, as she begins to have a meltdown over not getting a second 1:1. Girl, again, have you ever seen this fucking show? No one ever gets 1:1s within two episodes of each other. Chill the fuck out.

And of course it isn’t our ancient Alaskan who’s chosen for the date, but our resident kiss virgin, Heather!

“Let’s experience something new,” the date card threatens, because, LET ME FUCKING REMIND YOU: COLTON IS A VIRGIN AND HEATHER HAS NEVER BEEN KISSED. For fuck’s sake.

Our new experience turns out to be a day at the market, where Colton and Heather buy ugly tourist tank tops and awkwardly hold hands. I guess because it’s in Thailand this is technically experiencing something new, but I’m so fucking bored I can barely keep my eyes open. The two meander off for a seemingly endless boat ride, filled with zoomed-in scenes of Colton endlessly caressing Heather’s leg. First of all, that’s a lot of groping for someone who’s never even had one fucking kiss before, and two, what is it with Colton and his leg caressing? Why does it always do it in the same one or two spots? Do any of the women even have skin left on those spots, or has he worn them down to the bone?

Again, where was I? Oh, right, boat groping. Finally our fascinating twosome are dumped on a dock somewhere, where we’re treated to what feels like 15 hours of incredibly awkward, stifled small talk, lots of hopeful, lingering glances from Heather, and an utter barrage of closeups of Colton’s mouth. Because LET. ME. REMIND. YOU. Heather has never been kissed. FUCK I hate this show. And all of those shots of Colton’s weird mouth has made my vagina drier than the fucking Sahara. 

Heather, hilariously, doesn’t get her kiss, even though it’s the perfect moment—the two are in Thailand, have been groping each other for hours, are splayed out on a dock by the ocean, and have nothing better to do than stare at each other’s mouth holes. 

Eventually they just up and leave, Colton nonplussed as ever, Heather having a heart attack. I think they go to dinner and there’s food (honestly I blacked out there for a bit) and then we’re treated to a brief conversation that’s at once utterly correct, and shockingly hypocritical. 

“I know you’ve never kissed anyone, and honestly, that concerns me,” Colton tells a crestfallen Heather. 

Like okay, same, but also, COLTON YOU’VE SPENT 3 DAMN SEASONS ON THE BACHELORVERSE TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO JUDGE YOU FOR BEING A VIRGIN, AND NOW YOU’RE HERE JUDGING SOMEONE FOR NEVER GETTING KISSED? It is fucking weird and it makes no sense but GIRL, those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw virgins made of stone or whatever. Heather babbles on about not wanting to wait to kiss until marriage (kill me) and how it’s about finding the right person, and the guy she dated for 8 FUCKING MONTHS wasn’t the right person but she tried to make it, and it’s one giant train wreck. 

Finally dinner ends, and as night falls our two sad fucks go on a stroll along the water to forget what just happened. It’s a horrifically awkward scene because the two have less chemistry than an empty can of Pringles and a flat tire, and yet it seems to go on forever. Just when I’m contemplating chugging my entire bottle of wine at once to numb my brain, fireworks go off! Colton puts his arm around Heather! And our weird pseudo-real girl finally gets her first kiss! She kisses like she’s been kissing for fucking ever, and if Twitter is to be believed, apparently girl is full of fucking shit and has been making out with anything that breathes for years.

Please, god, someone put me out of my misery.

The Jilted Bride
I spoke too soon. 

Back at the hotel, everyone is excited for Heather to finally get her maybe-first kiss—because if Heather isn’t a murderous doll that sprang to life, she’s kind of like…you know, Abigail, from The Haunting of Hill House. Creepy, and weird, but kind of tragically sweet and endearing? It’s the eyes, man.

Anyway, everyone is in good spirits except for Elyse, who’s beginning to lose her fucking mind. Especially after the Group Date Card appears and she realizes, to her shock and horror, that she will be on the Group Date and will not get the next 1:1 (which is going to Colton’s sister Cassie). Again, because of FUCKING COURSE, ELYSE. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

While the rest of the girls wonder if Heather will come back to the hotel tonight because it’s so late (OF COURSE SHE WILL, COLTON IS NEVER GOING TO HAVE SEX), Elyse begins to sweat and panic about her man being off with another woman, and how she can’t this, etc. etc. She disappears to go put on some sort of modern bridal gown and don pageant-worthy hair and makeup, ready for her moment to…I don’t know what her moment is. There is no moment here, just sadness. 

When Heather finally comes in and announces her kissing v-card has been swiped, Elyse crumbles, looking like someone just told her that Colton had fucked Heather while incessantly telling her how much better she was than Elyse and how Elyse is a monster that he can never love or be close to again. As Heather is regaling the girls with her complete and utter lack of excitement, Elyse gets up and promptly walks out the door.

That’s right, our ancient Alaskan is pulling a Goose and running straight towards our hapless lead for some much-unwanted badgering. 

Colton is, unsurprisingly, shocked to see Bridal Elyse rapping at his chamber door, but allows her in so he can be browbeaten and have to incessantly remind her of the fact that she’s on the fucking Bachelor. 

Elyse, girl—we kind of get it. You’re forced into an isolated living situation with a horde of crazy women, and you’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome and believe that Colton is the man for you. We know that no matter how much we joke about the show, the emotions and stress are stupidly high, and plenty of quasi-sane women lose their damn minds all the time. But get. it. the. fuck. together. woman.

They need some kind of ongoing course for how to remember this shit—a “Welcome to the Bachelorverse 101” class that gives them breathing exercises and mantras they can use to remind themselves of where they are and what this entails and what they will face. But of course this will never happen, because the Producers are pure evil, and this entire franchise runs on the tears and mental breakdowns of its contestants.

Huh, you know what? Sometimes I really do love this show.

Elyse begins vocal frying, and endlessly trills on about how she can’t do this and can’t handle Colton getting close with the other women, and Colton seems genuinely confused and concerned—like the rest of us, he thought Elyse was more grounded and more mature than the others, and it’s admittedly rather jarring to watch her come completely unglued. 

She hints big time that she wants Colton to beg her to stay, but Colton, to his credit, refuses to. He know this game—he’s played it longer and better than anyone else around him, and also, I would be fucking wary of Elyse given the intensity and short timeframe of this meltdown. She finally tells him she must go, he respectfully walks her out, and she disappears into the night like the ghost of a jilted bride.

The next morning, Colton vlogs about it while crying. I’m back to hating this show.

Rumble in the Jungle 
All of our Elyse drama is quickly forgotten as the Group Date Card comes a’ swooping in! Hooray! Off for a romantic day of being forced to survive the hardships of the fucking jungle are Demi the Demon, Miss Carolina Caelynn, Hannah Alabama, Sydney Who I’ve Already Forgotten, Kirpa with a GIANT FUCKING BANDAGED WOUND ON HER FACE, Tayshia Who I Strongly Dislike, Onyeka the Horny, and Makeout Queen Hannah G. 

Turns out that Kirpa—whilst trying to take a sunset selfie—tripped on some rocks, sprained her wrist (which is heavily fucking bandaged) and had to get 6 fucking stitches in her chin. This is never once address on camera, mind you, so we’re just treated to Kirpa sitting around looking like she’d been dramatically pushed down a flight of stairs or something. I kept breathlessly waiting for an explanation, but it came like, 5 hours later via the interwebs. This is even stupider than Chicken David’s death-defying flight from the top bunk. Fuck, I hate this show. 

Anyway, our intrepid explorers swap chickens and self-inflicted bodily injury for banana shoots and grubs as they go on some kind of hilariously fake exploration of the jungle. First we deal with the usual onslaught of “look at these scary creatures from deep within the trees!” which is mostly just the ladies crying over a scorpion and Colton doing the least sexy I’m a Slave 4 U rendition in the history of time. That poor snake.

Finally the challenge is revealed—our squeamish ladies are being broken up into three groups, and their goal is to go out into the wild jungle and forage for food and water. My god, the stakes are so high! What if they don’t find food or water in their allotted 5 minutes, and have to wait another whole half an hour until they get back to their luxury villa?!

Hannah Alabama decides she’s “Hannah Beast” instead of “Hannah B” because the jungle…I don’t know, brings out her wild side? Tayshia makes out with Colton right in the middle of the sweltering jungle and pisses off the rest of the women, who stop to stupidly stare at them and sweat, rather than finding their desperately needed grubs. 

I stopped paying attention because the date was so bad, but admittedly did get pulled back in when Demi, Hannah G, and Hannah B left the “jungle” to go get burgers and a bottle of champagne to bring back.

“Dear Colton,” says a delighted Demi, “these other women can suck maggots, but me? I’m drinking champagne.” 

Epic.

At the following cocktail soiree, wherein the women still look as sweaty and disheveled as they did in the bowels of the jungle, Hannah B gives our first “I’m falling in love with you” of the season (DRINK) and she and Colton discuss what an asset she’d be in a zombie apocalypse. This is false, because Hannah B would definitely get everyone killed, but whatever. “You looked like you were in Jungle Magazine!” Colton enthusiastically tells her, and this time I do chug my entire bottle of wine. 

Feeling the love still, Colton then goes and sucks face with Tayshia, while raving about how her big, bold, aggressive mood of grabbing him for a quick kiss on the group date was just so amazing. “Thanks for making me feel special today,” Colton tells her, and now I throw my empty wine bottle at the TV.

“Earlier today we were fighting to survive in the jungles of Thailand,” Hannah G laments, staring out over the water as her deep survivor trauma takes her over. “Tonight, we’re fighting to survive with Colton.”

Speaking of fighting to survive, we have our new dramatic duo of the season—move over, Demi and Courtney (RIP), our new power pairing is Onyeka and Nicole!

Wait. What the actual fuck. The crazy one who stomps around in flippers and screams about being horny while blowing an airhorn is squaring off against a sentient nose job? Neither of these women are even remotely interesting or memorable, and yet here they are, duking it out to the death over…something Elyse apparently said before her untimely exit. 

Elyse, I guess, claimed that Nicole Wasn’t Here for the Right Reasons (DRINK) because Elyse told her that she was just using The Bachelor to get out of Miami, and I don’t fucking care. I couldn’t care less if I tried. I just want this episode to end because I can’t take it anymore. 

Regardless, Onyeka plants the seeds of doubt in Colton’s mind, and rather than go to him immediately to set the record straight, Nicole just whines about it. Cool. And this is after Nicole and Onyeka then literally go talk to the other women about this, and Tayshia (and others) literally tell Onyeka she’s really fucking wrong. They heard the convo with Elyse and apparently she said nothing of the sort. But rather than taking an actual step to support Nicole and tell Colton the truth, they all just discuss it amongst themselves like idiots. 

In the end, Hannah B gets the rose, because I guess Colton thinks she’ll be his savior when the apocalypse hits. Well jokes on you, Colton—the apocalypse is in progress as we speak, and you’re all fucked. Except not really, because it’s you.

On an Island in the Sun
The next morning, Cassie gets her romantic 1:1 date card, which tiredly slurs “Cassie, our love is deeper than the sea.” Will someone drown? God, I hope so.

Sadly no one drowns, and instead we’re treated to the weirdest fucking date ever. Jaime and Cersei Lannister set out for an island adventure in the dirtiest fishing boat of all time, spending the entire ride canoodling on its filthy floor, groping each other’s legs, and making out incessantly. And they say romance is dead!

Colton then surprises his sister with a private island just for the two of them! But Colton is speaking Billy Mcfarland’s language, and his “exclusive private island” is just a sandbar without a bar or hint of shade on the horizon. These two idiots are going to roast to death and then float away into nothingness once the tide comes in. 

The rest of the date is boring as fuck. They just make out in the ocean a lot, and get really, really sunburnt. There’s a LOT of Colton nipples, and Cassie claims that, on a scale of “1 to Hot” he’s “…hot!” Brilliance. Utter brilliance. Somehow they get back to the mainland and then make out in bed a lot. Colton tells Cassie he’s crazy about her, just like he’s told every other woman he’s spent time groping and making out with. 

The Rose Ceremony

Because we’re in hell, this episode has dragged on for approximately 87583276 years, and we’re still barely anywhere close to the Rose Ceremony. We get into the Cocktail Party and yada yada yada, it sucks. It’s a fucking disaster. We’re forced to bear witness to:

• Tayshia forcing Colton to do a floating lantern ceremony

• The rest of the women having a valid point when they ask what the fuck happens if the fire-filled lantern blows back onto the building

• Heather whining that this is all “painfully cute”

• Demi giving Colton FUCKING TRUST RINGS, because apparently she’s lost her mind as well

• The epic clusterfuck that is The Snorkeler vs. The Nose Job Round 2.0

This is literally the worst Cocktail Party of all time. Onyeka and Nicole pick up their fucking stupid fight and spend the entirety of this mess fighting loudly with each other about who’s there for the right reasons. They get so loud that they interrupt Colton with…Sydney? I have no idea who he’s with, I don’t remember half of these women. 

Colton reluctantly meanders over to the battling bitches, and just sits and watches them. Because they’re both fucking idiots, rather than addressing the virgin elephant in the room, they just continue to fight and yell at each other and make the situation so much worse. Colton finally gives up and just walks away in frustration. 10 minutes later, Onyeka and Nicole notice. They both go off to apologize, but Colton hilariously rejects both of them, and goes off to sulk by himself in the darkness.

And then that’s it. That’s fucking it. That’s our episode. We don’t even get a fucking Rose Ceremony—we just get a cliffhanger built on the worst premise of all times. I’m so fucking sick of this show that I want to write it off forever, but alas, I am a masochist of the highest order, and here I fucking am.

Up Next Episode
All we see is an endless scene of Sydney giving the most painfully sex-laden rant of all time, which would be awful even if she wasn’t talking to a stunted virgin. I blacked out most of what she said, but it was along the lines of "Here's to whacking my weeds. Here's to tending my garden. Here's to pushing my Jegna blocks. Here's to scribbling in my inkwell. Here's to saddling my horse. Here's to vacuuming my carpet. Here's to salsa-ing my Tostitos.” 

The Good Doctor then abruptly explodes on the air, and you know what? You know fucking what? This episode has Dr. Shaun Murphy getting fucked up on edibles, and I’d rather watch 15 years of that straight than watch one more second of the fucking Bachelor.

Until next week!