When you imagine bringing the man you want to marry home to meet your family, what heartwarming visions comes to mind? Sharing his sob-filled vlogs with your siblings? Delighting your grandma with stories of the 24 other women he’s spent the last month dating? Tenderly explaining to your parents that he’s a 26-year-old virgin who’s failed at love on two prior reality TV shows?

Luckily for you, you won’t have to bear the immense shame and feelings of failure that come along with this nightmare—our Final Four contestants do!

That’s right, kids, this week is the Hometown Episode! Per ABC, that means we’re off to Fredericksburg, VA, Birmingham, AL, Huntington Beach, CA, and Orange County, CA, which is a county and not a town, and also Huntington Beach is part of the OC, so clearly, once again, ABC you’re fucking drunk.  

Also, Birmingham is completely landlocked, so why the fuck is there a beachside pier featured?

Fuck it, whatever. Let’s dive in.

Hometown Visit 1: Caelynn Goes for a Ride in Fredericksburg, VA

We open, of course, with a naked, be-nippled Colton rinsing himself off in the shower. How many hours of shower footage do you think the Producers have by now? 500? 5,000? It’s fucking endless. 

Blessedly it doesn’t last long, but that’s only because it’s time for Colton and Caelynn to unleash themselves onto the streets of fascinating Fredericksburg. I don’t know what makes Fredericksburg so exciting, and neither does Caelynn, as she seems to think a horse-drawn carriage ride down a sad Main Street is the best option they’ve got.

“There’s my pediatrician’s office,” she yawns, while Colton passes out from lack of stimulation beside her. Eventually they end up in the woods, where they make out to stay awake. This is honestly the lamest hometown I’ve ever witnessed, and we’re only 8 minutes in.

Eventually they end up at Chez Caelynn, where they vehemently ignore Caelynn’s family and instead weirdly toss salad [insert sex joke here] and nibble on fried Oreos. 

When they finally do interact with the fam, it’s just as boring and weird as the rest of the date. Caelynn’s sister—who I swear has a gold tooth and is high as all fuck—sort of rambles on with Caelynn about Colton and falling in love. They both get teary eyed. It’s titillating. 

Colton, however, at least momentarily gets thoroughly grilled by Caelynn’s mom. “I don’t know if you’re ready,” she says, while Colton gapes stupidly at her, “and I don’t know if Caelynn’s ready.” Of course it’s like talking to a brick wall, because 23 and 26 year olds are incredibly stupid and think they’re ready for Adulthood TM when nothing could be further from the truth.

Off in another room, Caelynn is busy manipulating her stepfather into forgetting his reservations about all of this by endlessly complementing him. Eventually he sheds some tears, and Caelynn smirks with delight. 

Beaten down, he finally joins Colton for some bro time. “When, and if those feelings get there,” Colton says, admitting he’s not in love with Caelynn “can I have your blessing to marry your daughter?” Papa Caelynn wilts and ultimately says sure, if it gets real, whatever.

Cool.

To end this horrific date, Caelynn excitedly tells Colton she’s “all the way in love with him” and then forces him to watch hours upon hours of her childhood home videos. 

Godspeed, Colton, you sad fuck. 

Hometown Visit 2: Hannah G Ups Her Etiquette in Birmingham, AL

Hannah G is the clear frontrunner in this dumpster fire of a season, if only because Colton—as, let me remind you, a stunted 26-year-old virgin—can’t tell the difference between lust and love, and thinks that because he desperately wants to bang her, he’s in love with her. I can’t wait for them to last all of 6 months.

So of course we open with a Bachelorverse Signature Move: the Jumping Hug with the Leg Wrap and Kiss, which I can 1000000% say I have never, ever done with anyone, ever. Not even my ex-husband, who’s 6’4” and requires a step stool to make eye contact with. 

I really hope that the date would be Hannah taking Colton to a music video shoot, where he’d get to watch her make out with some random country music star, but there is no good, and instead we went to an etiquette class. Yeah, white people! 

Colton immediately fails his first session—a posture exercise—by wearing his fucking peacoat inside. He then promptly fails his second session—a table etiquette lesson—by seemingly having no idea what a napkin is, being unable to tell clockwise from counterclockwise, and mashing a dinner roll so messily that I deeply worry for the three women that have to spend time with him in the Fantasy Suites. 

“All I know is ‘eat the food’,” Colton says sadly, and for once I feel a kinship with him.

At one point, the etiquette teacher goes on and on about an umbrella, which I think might be a metaphor for Hannah’s maidenhead, but also might just be an explanation as to what an umbrella is, because she sure seems to think Colton doesn’t know. 

But forget the fuck out of Colton, because we’re off to Casa de Hannah and here we’re introduced to the greatest human being of all time—Hannah’s sister, Queen of the Let Me Speak With Your Manager Hair.

I’d say the rest of the night goes swiftly downhill from there, but honestly, it just sort of exists. It’s not good, it’s not bad. It’s just really blond and kinda boring, just like Hannah G. 

Hannah’s mom seems sweet and practical, until she gushes about how “it’s so weird seeing my girl leave as a mama’s girl, and then to have her come back a month later being a woman in love, completely ready for marriage.”

Uh, newsflash, ma—Hannah is still practically a fetus, she’s ready for nothing serious, and this dude she wants to marry is a 26-year-old virgin who was "in love" with two other women in the past year alone, and is currently dating three additional women. 

God, I hate this show.

As I chug my second glass of wine, Colton pathetically asks his second father of the night if he can have his daughter’s hand in marriage. 

Fin.

EXCEPT. At the end of the episode, we’re shown a scene that was cut from the segment. It included the entire family, all gathered around the table, dropping a fresh beat for Hannah, who starts fucking beatboxing while they all clap. This is literally the whitest thing I have ever fucking seen. 

Hometown Visit 3: Tayshia Takes a Flying Leap in “Orange County,” CA

Ugh, fucking Tayshia. God, I dislike this woman. You’d think I’d be rooting for her, given how terrible Colton is, but that’s gonna be a firm no. Granted, I don’t know who I’m rooting for because all of these women are terrible and not right for him (and vice versa) so here the fuck we are.

Anyway, this date gives us another Aggressive Colton Lady Scream, so that’s something, at least.

Let’s start at the beginning. 

We kick off our West Coast portion of the night with another Jumping Hug with the Leg Wrap and Kiss (drink) and then promptly blindfold our poor virgin bastard. For a season plagued with a dude who’s never gotten his dick wet, there’s an AWFUL lot of blindfolding going on.

"Our entire relationship is built on trust!” Tayshia gushes, “he trusts me and I trust him!” Oh, these women and their complete and utter lack of common sense or grip on reality. 

Things then get (more) painful as Tayshia shoves Colton into her car and nearly kills him. “Trust me, I’m a great driver!” she insists, as they drive headfirst off a cliff. Or at least they appear to, as the car begins bouncing and tumbling so aggressively that Colton slams his head against the door. No brain, no pain, at least.

When the car finally screeches to a halt, complete with two concussed idiots inside, the date is revealed—skydiving!

“Uh,” Colton says, beginning to sweat so aggressively you’d think he was walking into the Fantasy Suites. “You hate heights. And I hate heights.”

“Yep!” Tayshia says, laughing, her eyes rolling in her head. Granted he owed her for bungee jumping, but jumping out of a fucking plane is upping the ante a little too much, IMO.

Colton definitely agrees, turning pale and fidgeting nonstop in his terror. For the second time in one entire episode I actually feel for him and get it—I’d have a heart attack on the way up, so my tandem instructor would be free-falling with a fucking carcass. 

I shouldn’t be complaining, however, because this nightmare at least leads us up to perhaps the greatest moment of the entire season. Strapped to his instructor, sweating buckets and panicking, Colton sees his life (and lack thereof) flashing before his eyes.

"God please let me survive this fall, I have to lose my virginity. I don't know what I'm missing yet, but I've heard it's really good,” he legitimately fucking says, mere seconds before being shoved out the plane door and screaming the most aggressively visceral lady scream I have ever heard in my entire fucking life.

And that’s how Colton died. Rest easy, my stunted man-baby.

Okay fine, so he doesn’t die, whatever. 

Once they land safely, a trembling Colton is bundled up and shuttled off to Villa Tayshia, where her parents and two brothers are mean mugging the camera so aggressively that I actually get excited. Will one of them finally eviscerate Colton??

No, of fucking course not. Things start off promisingly, with Tayshia’s dad initially refusing to give his blessing for Tayshia’s hand in marriage (because remember, people, women are property) because he needs a little bit more than 10 minutes with Colton to decide if he’s worthy or not of his daughter.

“You don’t microwave relationships,” Papa Tayshia tells her firmly at one point. 

All of this progress is quickly undone, of course. First, the family discusses the fact that apparently Tayshia’s ex-husband was 100% to blame for the entire collapse of their marriage (idk, guys, have you ever met your daughter?) and then Papa Tayshia tells Colton that he “sounds like a smart man” and gives him his blessing for the marriage. You know, the one that might happen if he dumps the other three women he’s dating.

“This is the kind of love I've always wanted, and I have now!” Tayshia says dreamily at the end of the night, as she walks Colton to his car so he can go tell the fourth woman this episode that he's falling in love with her.

Hometown Visit 4: Cassie Catches Waves in Huntington Beach, CA

Sun’s out, nip’s out! That’s right, we immediately start the fourth and final date segment with an eyeful of Colton nips. Drink!

Cassie, who raved about surfing in her original bio, attempts to take Colton to Surf City, USA. You’d think that Colton, who (sort of) played in the NFL, would have any physical grace or athletic ability of any kind, but you would be very, very wrong. He flails around on the surfboard like a harpooned whale, nearly drowning on several occasions. 

Afterwards, gasping for breath and reeling from his second near-death experience of the episode, he staggers back on shore and attempt to soothe his nerves by talking love with Cassie.

Cassie, however, looks like she’s about to up and dump his ass right then and there. Honestly, she can’t make eye contact with him (although she can, of course, make out with him) and when he talks about falling in love with her, she basically shrugs and is like “yeah I’m not there yet, but I hope to be!”

Ah, the true foundation of a solid marriage.

Also, is it just me, or has Cassie’s hair grown 15” over the course of this season?

Anyway, the two awkwardly make their way to Haus Cassie, where, in an epic M. Night Shyamalan twist, we discover that Cassie’s sister is the love-child of Cassie and Demi! Seriously, it’s fucking uncanny. 

(Fun fact: Cassie and Demi’s daughter is a model and actress, and I think she was at the Oscars? 10/10 would rather watch her on here than fucking Cassie.)

There’s approximately 75 blond women in the house, each screaming and mewling so loudly and aggressively that I burst both my eardrums. The only respite from this horror is Cassie’s dad, who hustles her away from the sonic boom and promptly reminds her that she’s a fucking child.

He pointedly—but kindly, and intelligently—explains that she should really think about this, because she’s still a toddler, and marriage whilst one is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome isn’t, perhaps, the best idea. 

Cassie, however, isn’t having it. 

“God, I’m not DUMB!” she exclaims, just like a petulant child would.

“Cassie, you’re 23,” her father says dryly. 

In the greatest ending to a Hometown ever, Papa Cassie declines to give Colton his blessing, and for a brief, shining moment, there’s good in this world again.

The Rose Ceremony

I said one brief, shining moment, people. Don’t get your hopes up this late in the game, you know better.

Marched in by Zaddy Chris Harrison to meet their maker are, in order, Hannah G (skipping along knowing that Colton is ruled solely by his never-been-used eggplant emoji, so she’ll begin the clear), Caelynn (who’s trilling about how she and Colton “fit together so perfectly!”), Tayshia (who’s obnoxiously being Tayshia) and Cassie (who’s panicking because she realized she probably should’ve lied and told Colton she was falling in love with him before the Rose Ceremony).

How does it go down? Like Colton, terribly. 

First rose goes, of fucking course, to Hannah G. She stands there smirking for the rest of the time, and I kind of want to kick her. 

Second rose goes to FUCKING TAYSHIA. FUCK. Whatever, we’re in hell and we all know it.

The camera zooms in on a squirming Caelynn and a tweaking out Cassie. This is legit a shocker, as I’m pretty sure all of Bachelor Nation was anticipating a Hannah-Cassie-Caleynn Final Three. 

So who goes?

Of course it’s Caelynn, Colton’s gonna keep Cassie’s non-committal ass here as long as possible, because he’s entirely unable to choose someone that’s a good, stable, normal match. Not that Caelynn necessarily is all of those things, but there’s a level of realness to her that the others are all lacking. 

Oh well, into the loser pit with you, Caelynn!

So there you have it, kids, our Final Three: Hannah G, Tayshia, and Cassie. 

May god have mercy on our souls.

Until next week!