Picture this: It’s 1am at a nightclub adorned with velvet-covered walls. You’re 21 and you’re with your best friend, who just turned 21 last week. You’re 5 vodka sodas deep, and have just taken your first philosophy and gender studies courses. 

Despite the fact that your non-committal boyfriend is out with another woman, and the fact that your friend is casually dating her married art professor, the two of you wax poetic about love, and relationships, and the best course of action to take. Both of you are completely confident in the robust life advice you’re bestowing upon the other, knowing that you’ve absolutely got this—you’re 21, you’re grown women, now, and you know just how to do this!

In a nutshell, that’s the entirety of this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Describing this as “the blind leading the blind” doesn’t even do justice to this utter disaster. It’s more like a pack of blind orphans are leading a pack of blind puppies up Mount Everest without proper mountaineering gear, and everyone forgot to bring food. It’s also just begun to blizzard, and no one realizes it’s already been dark for 2 hours.

If you think you’re ready for this, you’re not. 

Let’s dive in.

Good News, We’re Going Back to Denver

Said no one ever, except for Colton, during another one of his mind-blowingly bad vlogging sessions. No one wants to watch this, Producers! Get your fucking shit together. 

Teary eyed as usual, Colton laments the fact that Katie was the fourth damn woman last episode to tell him some mystery ladies aren’t ready for marriage. This is hilarious, because literally no one on this show is ready for marriage. As a casual reminder, here’s where we stand with our current competitors:

• Colton, a 26-year-old virgin who cries constantly and seems to have 0.0% idea how women work in the slightest, and who cannot tell the difference between lust and love to save his own life

• Hannah B, a 23-year-old beauty pageant queen who dubbed herself “Hannah Beast” and spends half her airtime breathily growling, and who’s prone to doing sloppy kung fu behind other contestants while they cry

• Caelynn, another 23-year-old beauty pageant queen who can’t quite seem to take herself out of the drama, despite a solid showing a few episodes back, and who is now beginning to spew ageist shit against the women who dare to be close to 30

• Cassie, a 23 year old fresh out of an ultra-religious college, where she spent a significant amount of time—right up until filming, actually—on another reality show about dating in a religious environment with her longtime boyfriend that she swears she’s totally just friends with now

• Heather, a 22 year old also fresh out of the same ultra-religious college (which fucking no one has addressed yet) who didn’t get her first kiss until like, a week ago, despite having dated men for upwards of 8+ months

• Hannah G, a 23-year-old makeout fanatic who’s apparently a regular in country music videos and referred to her memories of her parent’s divorce as “like, so lame”

• Kirpa, a 26-year-old woman who still wears French braids and has no discernible personality whatsoever, and who fell taking a selfie so aggressively that she split her chin open and sprained her wrist, which then had to be heavily bandaged for several weeks

• Tayshia, a 28-year-old woman that waited 8 fucking years to have sex because her husband waited until marriage, who then divorced said husband and has been exclusively in a relationship with someone up until literally the day she left for filming 

Jesus fucking Christ, just typing that out made me stupider and very fucking angry. What is this goddamn dumpster fire? How are we trying to even remotely say that this gaggle of until-recently coeds are even remotely ready for marriage, much less to a 26-year-old man-baby virgin who can’t stop crying long enough to actually figure out what the fuck he wants out of love and life?

But don’t worry, it gets worse. Seeing that our leading man is struggling big time, what with all the crying and vlogging and moping along shorelines, the Producers decide to send in a True Man (TM)—one that’s been wildly successful in love and life, and who can surely point Colton in the right direction with sound guidance and insight.

Enter: Ben Higgins!

If you’ve already forgotten who Ben is, I don’t blame you, ‘cause guy is a fucking snoozefest. Also, a disaster. He was the runner-up on Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season of The Bachelorette, and then became the next Bachelor. After choosing Lauren Bushnell, but definitely still feeing it for JoJo Fletcher, the two got their own reality show (aptly titled: "Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After?”) before promptly breaking up. He then went on The Bachelor Winter Games, where he crashed and burned again, leaving early because he “wasn’t in the right headspace” to be there.

Definitely the best choice to come in and talk Colton off a cliff, hands down. 

“You’re a smart guy, trust your gut,” is pretty much the sole piece of advice Ben gives Colton, which is fucking hilarious, because Colton is an idiot and blinder than that entourage of orphans and puppies when it comes to knowing what he wants and being able to read other people. 

Anyway, now that our tribe of idiots are in Denver, that means it’s date time! Up first for a 1:1 is, actually quite shockingly, Tayshia. She’s rubbed me the wrong way from the get-go, and I haven’t been able to figure out why, but oh boy, has this week given me plenty of ammunition. First of all, girl is pulling a Jenna Cooper, and is just on the show to drum up attention for herself because she’s still totally dating her actual boyfriend back home; and second of all, she goes right for the kill, aggressively telling Colton that Cassie and Caelynn—two of his three frontrunners—are the mysterious women Not Here For The Right Reasons.

Girl, your game is so transparent it’s see-through. Of course you’re going after those two, when, in reality, you should just say everyone on the fucking show isn’t ready for marriage. It’s a sad attempt to go to Hometowns at best, but of course it works, because Colton is a fucking moron. The two drink wine and down oysters, Tayshia sits in chocolate, they walk Colton’s dog, and then they roast salmon or what the fuck ever in a furnished rental apartment. Tayshia gets her rose, and I refill my glass of wine. 

Love in the Time of Ageism

The next morning, our troop of imbeciles breathlessly await news of the next 1:1 date, while fretting about the lingering mystery women who Aren’t Here For The Right Reasons. Was Tayshia right? Was she wrong? Are we all in hell? The answer to all of it is a resounding yes.

Wanting to up the Drama Quotient, the date card arrives and guess what—it’s a 1:1 for Caelynn! That’s right, one of our Tayshia call-outs is chosen for her redemption moment, and off she goes to meet Colton on the slopes for some snowboarding. 

This is juxtaposed with a conversation between new allies Tayshia and Kirpa, during which Tayshia says “I basically told him the truth” re: Cassie and Caelynn. God, I fucking hate Tayshia. She can’t even do backstabbing drama correctly! 

Back on the slopes, Caelynn coos about how “Colton makes it look so easy!” as he awkwardly snowboards around. I want to die. 

Luckily we’re not forced to bear witness to this disaster for too long, because we have the elephant on the slopes to address. Colton comes right out and tells Caelynn everything Tayshia said, and Caelynn is. just. SHOCKED. SHOCKED, I tell you! 

“My feelings are so strong,” she whines to the camera, "and I feel like my future was just ripped away because there’s an insecure 28-year-old girl running around the house. Fuck her.”

CAELYNN, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING 28. BEING 28 DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN OLD CRONE, OR AN EVIL STEPMOTHER FIGURE. JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE A FETUS DOESN’T MEAN THAT 28 IS ANCIENT. JUST SAY TAYSHIA SUCKS BECAUSE SHE’S TAYSHIA, FFS.

Even us cougars need love, too. Not Tayshia, of course, because she sucks, but good lord go easy on the rest of us. 

Caelynn continues to go on the defense with Colton, spilling her falling-in-love sob story and saying the word “like” approximately 84347 times. She then squares off with the cameras again, vehemently insisting “I’m here for marriage, I’m ready for marriage.” Sure, girl.

She of course then promptly gets the rose, meaning we’re doomed to at least one more episode of drama with her and Tayshia. God, having Hometowns on the horizon really bring out the worst in everyone. 

Then they go to an empty theater and dance to some fucking country music band. KILL. ME.

Unleashing the Beast

What the fuck is it with all of these 1:1s this episode? This isn’t normal, right? I’m trying to remember if this is a thing this deep into the season, but by this point I’m usually a drunk, angry, disastrous mess that can’t focus or sleep until the season blessedly ends, so who the fuck knows. 

Anyway, Hannah B gets the 1:1 and things get crazy fast. Colton BRINGS HER HOME TO MEET HIS FAMILY, and while yeah, he seems to have done a 180 with his interest in her over the last few episodes, I really didn’t think he was anywhere close to this with her. 

And, as it seems, he isn’t. He begins to realize he’s made a mistake immediately, even though the date goes surprisingly well. His family seemed to like her, and she seemed comfortable, so Colton clearly has made a terrible mistake. During the car ride back, he’s really distant and off, and Hannah picks it up immediately. They talk a little, but it’s stunted and goes nowhere. Just like Colton.

Things take a turn for the worse at dinner, although the night is somewhat redeemed by Hannah rocking the Baroque trend with a gorgeous, silky, flowing pink dress (despite her boob tape hanging out on one side—c'est la vie). She seems to have regained her confidence and excitement, which Colton is all to happy to immediately crush. 

“I know her feelings are strong and real. I know she’s ready to take the next step,” he says to the cameras with a heavy dose of trepidation, looking like he’s having an Annaliese-style flashback. 

“I wouldn’t have done this crazy journey if it hadn’t been with you,” Hannah tells him, attempting to draw him back in and put his mind at ease. This is, in and of itself, hilarious, because she had no fucking idea who the Bachelor would be when she signed up for this hellscape. 

Despite Hannah going on and on about her growing love for Colton and about hometowns, Colton finally admits he’s not in love with her and sends her packing. I have to say, despite the fact that she tears up, she stays quite impressively stoic and respectful. What is it with some of the craziest of the bunch really pulling it together at the end? Hannah didn’t flip out on him or resort to bringing Caelynn up again, Demi didn’t stab him, etc. 

She does, however, drop another mystery gem: “Man, just, like, listen to people,” she says, proving herself to be every inch a 23-year-old.

Afterwards, a perennially tearful Colton tells the cameras "Tonight I’m sending a woman home who’s made it clear she is ready. I hope I’m just on the right track and not setting myself up for disaster.” Oh, Colton. You sad fuck.

Midnight Train to Elimination

Remember when we thought this was gonna be a Group Date? Nah, this is a 4:1 (?) rather than our beloved 2:1, and I am fucking pissed about it, TBH. The 2:1 dates are THE greatest dates ever—they’re always held with the most aggressively battling contestants (think: Chicken David and Golden Underpants Jordan, Corinne and Taylor, and so on) and it’s always an epic dumpster fire where the contestants make utter asses of themselves. 

Sadly, this 4:1 date is just terrible. There’s drama, sure, but it feels forced AF.

Up on this nightmare are Cassie, Kirpa, Heather, and Hannah G, and we kick things off with a random ass train ride to the mountains. Sure. The women are all OMFG A TRAIN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A THING! before promptly diving right back into the Caelynn/Cassie vs. Tayshia/Kirpa debacle. It’s all so yawn-inducing that I nearly fell asleep, which would’ve been a fucking tragedy because I would’ve spilled my wine.

Kirpa, she of the no personality, runs right to Colton to tell him that Cassie is definitely the Mystery Not Here for the Right Reasoner, to which Colton’s head explodes once more. Jesus, if only his other head did more exploding, we wouldn’t in this fucking mess.

So Kirpa stirs up the dramz, Cassie vehemently denies any wrongdoing, and, in the background, Heather’s like “fuck this shit” and decides to up and leave. Goodnight, our sweet Josie Grossie. May you have all of the kisses in the world waiting for you back at home. 

Glowering incessantly at each other, Cassie and Kirpa, with an uncomfortable Hannah G in tow, march off to dinner with Colton, who’s acting as though he’s in a room with two rabid bears. Jesus, Colton, grow some fucking balls already. 

But no worries, ball-less wonder, because Caelynn swoops in to save the day! After Hannah G receives a rose (because of course they’re going to draw the tension out, and of fucking course HG is gonna be safe), she heads back to the hotel to recap the insanity with Caelynn and Tayshia. Upon hearing this, Caelynn decides she Has Had Enough and crashes the group date, telling Colton she needs to give him all the facts. (Note: This is minutes after she hashed things out with Tayshia on camera, so who the fuck knows what’s going on.)

I honestly don’t give a flying fuck what those facts are, I’m just pleased that this results in Kirpa getting the boot, and Cassie living to see another day. 

So there you have it, kids—our Final 4 and Hometown Episode sacrifices! Just as a quick reminder, it’s this group of Totally Ready for Marriage and Lifelong Commitment pre-teens:

• Caelynn, the 23-year-old beauty pageant queen who can’t quite seem to take herself out of the drama, despite a solid showing a few episodes back, and who is now beginning to spewing ageist shit against the women who dare to be close to 30

• Cassie, the 23 year old fresh out of an ultra-religious college, where she spent a significant amount of time—right up until filming, actually—filming another reality show about dating in a religious environment with her longtime boyfriend that she swears she’s totally just friends with now

• Hannah G, the 23-year-old makeout fanatic who’s apparently a regular in country music videos and referred to her memories of her parent’s divorce as “like, so lame”

• Tayshia, a 28-year-old woman that waited 8 fucking years to have sex because her husband waited until marriage, what then divorced said husband and has been exclusively in a relationship with someone up until literally the day she left for filming 

Cool.

Until next week!