A month ago, back when I started this Lifetime Christmas movie recap endeavor, I was another person. Happy. Optimistic. Excited. But that’s all changed now. There’s a reason it’s take me a solid four weeks to pump out two recaps, and that’s because these movies have sucked my soul right from my mortal body, leaving me a shaking, weeping, empty husk of a human being. We already know there’s no Santa Clause, but now I know for sure that there’s no god, because no benevolent higher power would inflict this kind of horror on any of their creations.

If I can give you any warning it’s this: don’t fucking read this recap, don’t fucking watch these movies, and for the love of whatever might be out there, save yourselves while you still have time. 

If you don’t fear the endless abyss or eternal damnation, well, that’s on you. And I can’t stop you. So without further adieu, here’s the official Lifetime description to start us on our nightmare quest:

When food stylist Holly (Trope: Holiday Name) returns home for Christmas (Trope: Main Character Returning to Hometown), she learns that Loretta, the elderly owner of her favorite childhood bakery (Trope: Beloved Senior), is retiring and has started a contest (Trope: Quirky Contest/Event) to give the bakery away to whoever can recreate her famous 12 Days of Christmas Recipes (Trope: Needlessly Christmas-Themed Item/Event). Holly enters, despite not being much of cook. When a local baker named Brad (Trope: Romantic Rival) also enters the contest, the two adversaries end up cooking up something special together (Trope: Movie Theme Pun) for the holidays.

This movie is so sickly sweet that it gave me diabetes. And mesothelioma. 

Let’s dive in.

Walk Walk, Fashion Baby

We open in the thrilling world of New York City, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, and where our heroine, Holly (yes, we have a second Holly main character, because again, there is no god) is working a high-fashion photo shoot.

The scene is exactly what I would imagine a man-on-the-street poll at the Mall of America would come up with, if they chose a handful of sad Minnesotans who’d never let the Midwest and asked them to imagine a high-fashion photo shoot in New York. 

Although maybe they did get it right, because you think the photo shoot is for a model, but then BAM! The camera careens around wildly, and it turns out the shoot is really for a roasted turkey! Fuck you.

That’s right, Holly is a freelance food stylist who’s hoping this little turkey-basting incident will land her her dream job as a full-time— okay you know what, I can’t even get those words out properly. Not in this climate. Give me a second.

Okay anyway, Holly is hoping to land her dream job at Urban Gourmet, and I don’t give a fuck. Holly claims she does, but then she just ups and leaves for her quaint hometown of Madison, Maine (Trope: Quaint Hometown) (Trope: Main Character Returning to Hometown) for three weeks. THREE WEEKS. Anyone who’s hungry for work in New York is probably also hungry for actual food because you’re in New York, baby, and you can’t actually afford to live there, so why would you shuffle off to the bowels of Maine for three fucking weeks?

Against all common sense, our intrepid stylist packs her bags and jetsets off to the sickly sweet world of Madison, Maine, where the snow is always falling, the cookies are always cooking, and the whites are at it again. 

Holly’s first act as Beloved Returned Daughter is to kick down the door of the famous Mrs. Rose’s Bakery and rush in to smell all of the freshly baked smells, which appears to be heroin for our plucky heroine. No, seriously, it’s almost an “I’ll have what SHE’S having!” moment, it’s so fucking absurd. Chill the fuck out, Holly, they’re just baked goods.

What’s highly unusual here is that Holly then interacts with not one, not two, but three separate black characters. And they’re not just extras!

See, the thing about the Lifetimeverse is that it’s basically still Segregation. There are White People Lifetime Movies, and then there are Black People Lifetime Movies (significantly less than the Whites, of course) and everything is pretty neatly completely isolated from the other. Sure, a black or minority character may appear in a white-centric one, but they’re always a side character that’s usually just-this-side of racist caricature. Think: Angry Grandma and Preena from Christmas Reservations—they were the only minority at all in the damn movie, because Lifetime thinks throwing one person that’s not white into the mix is enough to show true diversity. Because everyone knows there are only approximately 25 non-white people in this country.

Where was I?

So Holly first talks to her old friend Carson, who turns out to be the son of the bakery’s owner. He asks her if her family knows she’s back (which feels odd, because Holly seems neither interesting enough nor smart enough to orchestrate a surprise visit anywhere) and she says her dad and sister do, but not her mom, so I thought maybe there’d be some iota of interesting drama there, but it’s a complete and utter throwaway line, because there’s literally no drama whatso-fucking-ever. 

Then Holly tries—and fails—to add sassily “You know me, Miss Independent” or something, and even Carson looks puzzled at that one, because again, there’s nothing interesting or empowered or independent about Holly in the slightest, because we are in hell. HELL. 

Anyhoo, Carson has to rush off, but that frees Holly up to talk to her old friend Loretta, who appears to be a bakery staple from her place at the counter. We’ve now been introduced to two separate black characters who aren’t given insulting lines (or storylines) which is actually amazing. But those lines are a set up for the bad news that’s comin’ to town. As Holly makes an ass of herself orgasming over baked goods and going on and on and FUCKING ON about how wonderful the bakery is, and how it wouldn’t be the bakery “without Loretta!” which—

Wait, I need to take another quick break to tell you here that the ‘Loretta’ Holly just referred to isn’t the Loretta she’s talking to. No, the Loretta that Holly just mentioned to Loretta is the owner of the bakery. Because apparently all black people are so fucking one-dimensional that the writers think they can just give them all the same fucking name.

Also, just to make things more fucking confusing, Loretta (the baker, not the friend) is played by Loretta Devine. At the very fucking least, I hope she insisted her character was named Loretta, and the writers didn’t simply say “fuck you” and just call her her own name because they were too fucking lazy to think up another one for another whole character. 

Oh, and one more thing—the synopsis clearly says Loretta the Baker is ‘elderly’ but Loretta Devine was 69 (nice) at the time of filming, and girl looks like she’s still in her 50s, so how the fuck is she elderly, Lifetime?

Okay, so back to Holly making an ass of herself. She’s yammering away to Loretta (the Friend) about how the bakery wouldn’t be the bakery without Loretta (the Baker), and Loretta (the Friend) keeps trying unsuccessfully to get in a “well about that” but Holly won’t shut the fuck up long enough for anyone else to even get a single syllable out, but then who should come out from the kitchen but Loretta (the Baker) herself! And she’s fresh off an appointment with Cruella DeVille’s hairstylist!

Holly excitedly buys some 12 Days of Christmas-themed Christmas cookies (Trope: Needlessly Christmas-Themed Item/Event) from Loretta (the Friend) and then sashays away to go see her dad and sister (and I guess her mother) BUT THEN! A handsome stranger (Trope: Handsome Stranger) comes barreling in the door and knocks into Holly, making her drop her cookies! And even though they fell about 3 feet, they’re completely pureed when Holly picks the box up! Oh, the HUMANITY! 

Handsome Stranger offers to replace them, but Loretta (the Friend) comes swooping in with a fresh box of cookies, shoving them in Holly’s hands I assume in an effort to get her the fuck out of the bakery. 

“Crisis averted!” chirps the Handsome Stranger stupidly. 

“It always is, at Mrs. Rose’s bakery!” chirps back Loretta, and I chug an entire bottle of Malbec. 

 On the First Day of Christmas

At Casa de Holly’s Family, none other than Holly’s family is there getting ready to deck the Christmas tree! They’re all so excited to see Holly! And to deck the tree! They’ve made cocoa and are enjoying each other’s company! They happily eat some of the 12 Days of Christmas Day 1 cookies together! They’re all getting along! 

Is…is this what normal families do? Do people actually gather together to do something around the holidays as quaint as decorate a Christmas tree without so much as one blowout argument or passive-aggressive debacle or PTSD-inducing trip through all the ghosts of Christmas Past? Are there really families that just simply love each other and can spend time together luxuriating in the glory of it all? Could I hate these scenes so much because they show something I never had and secretly yearn for?

My therapist certainly seemed to think so, as I bitched endlessly about a fucking Lifetime Christmas movie during an hour-long session I pay $125 for. Or at least he started to say so, but then I interrupted him to do an impersonation of Holly at the bakery and declare how much I “hated that bitch” and then I rapid-fire switched topics to tell him I texted my ex again, and then I wondered aloud why I was still single.

Anyway, in between stuffing cookies in their mouths and decking an enormous tree, they talk about how WINTER STORM MEGAN is coming, and it’s going to be a major winter storm over Christmas!

Wait a second…I know that storm! That’s the WINTER STORM MEGAN (Trope: Perfectly Timed Christmas Storm) from Christmas Reservations! Could it be a meta attempt at explaining that every single Lifetime Christmas Movie takes place in the same universe? Is there a Holly running around…wherever the fuck the Treeline Lodge was, at the exact same time that this Holly is running around Madison, Maine? Could both Holly’s look out their respective windows at the same moon, and wonder if they’re about to finally find love this Christmas?

Whatever, I don’t give a fuck. 

We go back to the tree trimming, and then—it happens.

Holly’s family breaks the news that Loretta (the Baker) is selling the bakery! Because Loretta (the Baker)’s life-changing decision is clearly all about Holly, Holly has a fucking goddam breakdown. Turns out Loretta (the Baker) met a man online, fell in love, and is moving to Alaska to be with him!

Wait, what?

“Women of a certain age fall in love,” Holly’s mother says, rather defensively, and then I swear to fucking god she grabbed the dad’s crotch. Luckily, Holly is too busy making everything about her to notice the groping.

“Dad!” she all but screams, clutching a Christmas tree cookie in her fist, “this is Christmas. THIS IS CHRISTMAS!” 

Santa, Baby

Somehow, Holly managed to sleep despite all the rage and sugar, but today’s a new day! And that new day needs to start with Holly once again kicking down the door of the bakery, this time demanding to know how Loretta (the Baker) can do this to her. 

Loretta (the Baker) takes this horrifically misplaced anger in stride, and gives Holly the rundown on her new beau:

• His name is Christian

• He’s semi-retired

• He does, indeed, live in Alaska

• He was once a toymaker

WAIT. IS HE—no, he can’t be. But this is the Lifetimeverse, so we may be invoking one of the most common tropes of all time—could Christian be Santa?? There’s certainly enough hints! 

But forget about that tantalizing tidbit, because it’s time to spread the good news—that’s right, Loretta (the Baker) has planned out how she’ll decide the fate of her beloved bakery! She’s going to do a Baking Contest (Trope: Quirky Contest/Event) where contestants have to recreate her famous 12 Days of Christmas recipes! And the winner of the contest will get the business! But Carson will be the judge of the contest, and he can veto the winner and sell the business if he wants, if the 12 Days of Christmas Treats aren’t as good as the originals! And Christian, her maybe-Santa boyfriend from across the fucking country, concocted this idea! 

Holly at least has the grace to be baffled by the horrific business sense here. As does Carson himself, who thinks they should forget all of this fucking nonsense and just sell the goddamn business. But “he’ll do the right thing,” Loretta (the Baker) says confidently, “especially at Christmas!”

Here, Lifetime attempts to sort of set up drama by making it look like Carson may double-cross his mother and sell the business without her blessing (or ooh, maybe sabotage the contest! May I suggest rat poison in the figgy pudding?) but this is the fucking Lifetimeverse, so of fucking course none of that will happen. 

We’re saved from this madness by the jingle bell—that’s right, the door’s opening, and who should blow in than Handsome Stranger! Handsome Stranger looks like someone took conventionally attractive features but stapled them on all wrong, so if you sort of squint and turn your head he kind of looks attractive, but then if you blink or focus too much it’s just a mess. 

Loretta (the Baker) introduces Holly to Handsome Stranger, whose name is Brad (of course). 

“Remember that old inn that the French couple bought last spring,” Loretta (the Baker) asks, as Holly visibly recoils.

“Yeah, I heard they ruined the place. They turned it into some snobby bistro that no one likes!” Holly exclaims. Jesus fucking Christ, woman. I bet Holly disdainfully calls the French ‘frogs’ and screams about how French fries are freedom fries, goddamnit as she stuffs them into her mouth while sitting in her empty, unadorned apartment somewhere in Queens, crying about how everything she loves changes and evolves while she’s still stuck exactly where she was 10 years ago. 

And here’s where things get awkward. Well, awkwarder. 

Since this is the Lifetimeverse, Handsome Stranger aka Brad is actually just another walking trope (besides Trope: Handsome Stranger, of course)—turns out that yes, of course, he’s the pastry chef at that fancy French bistro! (Trope: Romantic Rival)

Loretta (the Baker) sails right over Holly’s latest faux pas and shoves flyers at them with all the details of the 12 Days of Christmas Bakeoff, before sprinting away for a ‘video call’ because apparently she uses Skype or whatever to talk to Christian, and all the characters marvel at how progressive she’s become or something? I can’t follow a single fucking storyline already, and we’re barely scratching the surface here. 

Before another infamous video call can kick off, however, we’re treated to a nonsense scene with Loretta (the Baker) and Carson, as they reminisce about Christmases past, when Carson’s dad was still alive (Trope: Sympathetic Widowed Mother). Apparently Carson and dear old dad went tobogganing in snowsuits on Christmas morning, and it’s pure hilarity.

“You weren’t halfway down the slopes before you were screaming I have to go to the bathroom! Haha!” Exclaims Loretta (the Baker) and wait, what the fuck? That’s the fucking line the fucking writers came up with? Jesus fuck.

After approximately 14 hours of this schtick, Carson interrupts his mother to ask: “With the bakery keeping you so busy, did you actually enjoy making all those holiday dinners?”

Of course she did. No matter how sassy or independent or strong a female character is in the Lifetimeverse, underneath it all, she’s still just a ‘50s caricature at heart. Get it together, Carson

Anyway, Loretta (the Baker) of course says yes and trills on about good memories of long days in a hot kitchen. 

“All that talk reminds me that I still love Christmas!” Carson exclaims. 

“And I never doubted that for a moment, Carson!” Loretta (the Baker) exclaims.

I…am at an utter loss. Luckily, it’s finally time for that fucking video call, where a whole bunch of shitty exposition is shoved down our gullets. We learn that Christian:

• Is sadly not Santa

• Met Loretta (the Baker) on an Alaskan cruise

• Never thought he’d fall in love again, yet here the fuck he is

• Is flying into Madison, despite WINTER STORM MEGAN lurking in the wings

Now this is the incredible character development and plot advancement that I’ve been waiting for!

Dazed and Confused 

We kick things off on Day 3 of this fucking mess with Holly wandering around the streets of Madison, pretending to drink coffee out of an empty coffee cup. Seriously, it’s like the actress never been given a to-go cup before, especially an empty prop one. Every time she goes to lift it, she nearly hurls it, as though she’s forgotten it’s not filled with…lead? Girl is a mess.

Moments later she of course smacks right into Brad the Baker, who, I think, is trying to look handsome and aloof, but it comes off more as confused and slightly afraid.

“I’m sorry about what I said,” Holly sighs, trying to figure out how to work this magical empty paper cup. “I’m sure your pastries are delicious.”

Brad pumps her for information about where she lives, and when she says she’s from Madison he demands to know why she said New York was home then, and then I got up and went into the kitchen and poured a shot of vodka and stared out the darkened window for a very long time, wondering how I got here. 

When I stumbled back into the bedroom, despite an hour having passed, these fucking yokels were still having the same fucking conversation. Turns out Brad the Baker’s gonna bake bake bake in that competition. 

“I’m thinking about entering the contest myself, but I’m not too much of a baker,” admits Holly. 

Then Brad the Baker Hater’s gonna hate hate hate and says “Nah, then I wouldn’t waste your time,” and honestly that made me look up from the bottle of vodka I brought back with me. 

“Ex-cuse me?” Holly demands, flailing her cup as she tries to sassily put her hand on her hip.

“Oh, I don’t mean to offend,” says Brad, because apparently he’s 85, “it’s just that baking’s very personal—you either have the touch or you don’t.”

“Uh, I thought baking was a science,” counters Holly, whom I assume failed every single one of her science courses. “Like, with recipes,” she adds helpfully. She then steamrolls over him with a list of all the holiday dishes people want, and because he’s a man, Brad just sort of shrugs and walks off mid-monologue.

Holly stalks home to drown her sorrows in more Christmas cookies. 

“So, did you run into of the old gang?” Her moms asks, which is hilarious, because there is literally no way Holly has any actual friends. 

Holly grits out, between a mouthful of cookie Christmas tree, that she ran into Brad the Baker. 

“Ooh, is he the really handsome one?” Her mother asks, perking up. “I saw him at the grocery store, and I freaked out!” She adds, laughing, wishing she had someone to grope. 

“Honey, I love your father,” she tells Holly, as Holly chokes on the cookie, “but I do notice a good-looking man!”

Then I tried to choke myself to end my misery, but alas, that’s not physically possible.

Holly whines about how Brad is going to join the 12 Days of Christmas Bakeoff (12DoCB) and her mom is promptly stumped.

“He’s a baker, right?” She asks, confused.

“Um, of FRENCH pastries!” Holly screams. “Which isn’t the heart of Mrs. Rose’s bakery! Especially this year!”

Holly’s mother pauses, clearly concerned that her daughter is having a nervous breakdown. “Honey, I think you’re missing the spirit of the holidays. Besides, I love it when they light a flambé”

“MOOOO-OOOM!” Holly screams, shaking her cookie-filled fists. 

Reality Bites

A new dawn, and another day of Holly kicking the door down to the bakery to whine and make demands. As she barrels between quirky white couples bonding over overpriced baked goods, she sees Carson meeting with a man that’s very clearly a Developer (He’s in a suit and tie! He has glasses!) and Holly promptly has another nervous breakdown. 

“Are you selling the bakery to that man???” She demands, bodily hurling a young child out of the way. 

“Look, I know you love the place—“ Carson begins, holding his hands out as a sign of compromise, but Holly goes in for the kill regardless. 

“I DO! IT WAS MY FIRST JOB! WEEKENDS, AFTER SCHOOL, SUMMER HOLIDAYS, VACATIONS! YOU, LORETTA (the Friend), AND I PRACTICALLY GREW UP HERE!” She screams. I swear to god, she actually is screaming all of this in a temper tantrum over losing something that literally does not belong to her in any way shape or form. 

“Your mom has found love again—that’s a gift, but this contest, Carson, is very real to her. And besides, it’s Christmas! Isn’t the whole point love?” Holly continues desperately, eyes rolling in their sockets. 

Then they have some fake coffees? Sure.

“As a realist,” Carson says, as Holly hyperventilates, “I’m just getting prepared for when my mom moves away and life moves on.”

“Have you told your mom how you really feel about her moving away?” Holly says accusingly, and let’s just talk about the optics here. We’re on day 4 of an obnoxious, overly entitled white woman storming into someone else’s business to scream at a black family about how their own personal decisions are making her unhappy, despite those personal decisions having 0.0000% to do with Holly in the slightest. This bitch is on the attack because someone dares to…take baked goods away from her in a town she no longer lives in?

Christ on a cracker. 

Holly eventually storms out and makes a beeline for the local market. A random background character robotically says “welcome home, Holly, we missed you,” and Holly sort of nods and then runs down the next aisle. 

But wait! Just steps behind her is Brad the Baker! “Hello, Brad,” says the stock character robotically, which I guess is supposed to show that Brad is actually A Good Guy. 

Holly, lost in her own haze of rage and self-entitlement, is hurriedly scanning a recipe book, nearly knocking shelves over as she hunts for ingredients. 

Brad the Baker clears his throat to get her attention. Normally this would be obnoxious and demeaning, but I, too, would want to give careful notice before startling Holly. 

“Can I help you?” She demands, whirling around with murder in her eyes. 

“I know that cookbook, it’s a classic,” he says, peering over her shoulder.

“I’m making shortbread,” Holly snarls.

Brad the Baker tells her it’s good choice because it’s nice and easy. Holly refrains from stabbing him with a shank I just know she keeps on her person, and tells him that shortbread is her favorite. Brad the Baker then tries to give her the secret to good shortbread, but Holly dismisses this. 

“I’ll you’ll excuse me, I have to find the eggs,” she snaps, as though she’s never been to a market before and she’s going to need the next 4 hours to navigate the aisles. 

“Uh, you don’t use eggs in—“ Brad the Baker tries.

“HAVE A GOOD DAY, BRAD,” Holly snarls, sprinting off towards the produce section. 

We then cut to Holly in her parents’ kitchen, fucking COVERED in flour. Guys, I can’t bake to save my fucking life, and not once—not ONCE—have I ever ended up covered head-to-toe in fucking flour, no matter how much I flailed in front of the oven.

“Wow!” Exclaims her sister, who is like, 35, not 65, “it looks like you got in a fight with the Pillsbury Doughboy and lost!”

Excuse me while I go scream into the corner for a bit.

Holly insists she’s trying to make shortbread the way Loretta (the Baker) does, of course. Her mom tries to offer some help, and Holly nearly hits her with a frying pan.

“Mom, step AWAY from the cookie pan!” says the sister (not sure if she has a name or not, I don’t believe it was ever mentioned, and there’s no trace of her on IMDB), anticipating violence. 

When the cookies are finally ready, Holly smugly serves them to her unsuspecting family…only to have them all spit them out! Oops, she wasn’t supposed to use eggs! If only she’d listened to Brad the Baker!

As Holly sadly swaps out her inedible swill with some of Loretta (the Baker)’s cookies, we’re treated to a weird scene of Holly lamenting that “it’s probably just the holidays, but sometimes my life in New York isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” but then we quickly forget that because Holly realizes she mixed up the shortbread recipe with the sugar cookie recipe! The HUMANITY! 

Holly then promptly turns around and tells her family she’s entering the 12DoCB. You know, immediately after wildly destroying the most basic of baking recipes.
“I ah, I think it’s a great idea!” Her father finally spits out.

“Yeah! This was just a rookie mistake!” Holly insists wildly. “I misread the recipe!” 

Can she even read to begin with though?

Regardless, her father’s support has inflated her head to Goodyear Blimp levels. “Carson had a developer in the bakery today, right under his mother’s nose!” she seethes, thinking back on how someone with the big responsibility of dealing with a business and its owner leaving didn’t think to take into account the fragile feelings of a pathetic little white girl with enough money to live in New York and take a three-week vacation on a freelance food stylist’s salary (thanks, mom and dad!). 

“I know how to keep it the way it is!” Holly insists, turning purple with rage. And as far as the baking thing goes? “I can learn! I WILL learn!”

“Well, then you have our full support, and we’ll help however we can,” says her family collectively. “To Holly!”

And I finished the bottle of vodka. 

Let the Hunger Games Begin

Four days later, when I was discharged from the hospital for all that alcohol poisoning, I picked the movie up right where I left off. Lucky me!

We begin the first day of the 12DoCB with stock footage of a very snowy barn in the middle of fucking nowhere. Mind you, there were like, 4 snowflakes back in Madison, but fuck it. Loretta (the Baker) immediately begins with a twist on the contest—the contestants won’t be following recipes! They’ll TASTE a day’s dessert and BLINDLY DUPLICATE IT LOL. Is this fucking Top Chef? How the fuck are these people supposed to do this? Why am I even bothering to question the unanswerable? 

Today’s recipe is gingerbread! Which seems simple enough (I say, never having been able to bake a day in my life) but then Loretta (the Baker) adds that it needs the ‘holiday magic.’

“What do you mean by holiday magic?” asks background character Vera.

“Vera, if you have to ask…” Loretta (the Baker) says ominously, although sadly doesn’t drag a finger across her throat.

Okay so then the characters taste the gingerbread men and giddy with excitement…rush off to the fucking market to buy the ingredients. 

The fuck? They’re like, at least an hour out of town in the middle of a snow storm, and they have to run off to spend their own money on a recipe-less recipe? But fuck logic, because this gives us an opportunity to have Holly and Brad the Baker have their 75th meet-cute in the market. He’s wearing a lame fucking Christmas scarf. Holly insists she doesn’t need eggs for this one, and completely ignores Brad when he tries to tell her she does. Great fucking work, writers. 

Back at the snowy stock barn, our bakers are frantically whipping up batches of nightmarish gingerbread people. Brad is baking away like bakers do, while Holly is adding cutesy little outfits to her terrible, terrible cookies. 

“What are you going to do to make your gingerbread man more stylish?” Holly asks, and I know the writers intended for this to be adorable, but it actually made me punch a hole right through my drywall, just like a frat boy with too many Four Lokos in his system. 

“I prefer to focus on substance and taste,” Brad the Fucking Fuck says pompously. 

Although turns out the outfit won’t save Holly, because she mixed up the shortbread recipe with the gingerbread recipe! HILARITY! As she’s trying to figure out how to fix her disgusting mess, Brad sneakily adds an egg into her bowl, which she unknowingly mixes right in because apparently it takes 15 minutes and a complete dissociative episode for Holly to form thoughts. 

“You know, a little extra icing might brighten up your cookie people,” is an actual line of dialogue the writers gave to Holly. “Bring them a little extra joy!”

Then when Brad turns around for something else, Holly reaches over and adds some frosting to his cookies, and isn’t this just the sweetest Christmas romance of all time?????????????????????????

Luckily it’s time for the judging to begin! There’s literally a CROWD OF FUCKING PEOPLE THERE, including Holly’s mother and sister, ready to cheer these fucking idiots on. I give my hometown a lot of shit, but I swear to god, if its citizens ever met the people of Madison, they would literally fucking eat them alive. 

In the end, Brad wins, and Holly shockingly doesn’t get eliminated. Vera does, though, because she can’t fucking figure out how and when to properly add the holiday magic. It’s a painful elimination, but that’s showbiz, baby. 

Let’s Get Baked

Somehow we end up back at the bakery, where Holly’s sister is having a coronary over bundt cake. I can’t make this shit up, and even my twisted mind wouldn’t go this far.

“Holly, can I speak to you for a moment?” a concerned Loretta (the Baker) asks, and I held my breath, thinking there was finally going to be an intervention, but of fucking course not.

“That was a nice try today,” she lies, “but you must remember: the secret to holiday baking is the holiday magic.” 

Sure.

She then adds that some of her earliest baking attempts were apparently pure shit, but then magic made them good, so I guess the secret to her enduring success is lacing her cookies with crack or whatever, so good for her. 

“I’ll give you a hint,” she continues, and honestly, why the fuck is she still talking about magic fucking cookies? “You have to find that part of you that understands the meaning of Christmas, and then you make that into an ingredient.”

Soooo the secret to great baking is…commercialism? Or is it the forceful adoption of pagan rituals by Christians to coerce the pagans to convert to Christianity (with a healthy dose of genocide along the way)? The latter seems more flavorful, although the former is more abundant I suppose. 

Anyway, Holly and her sister blow off the steam of the baking contest with a night out on the town at…Brad’s French bistro! Nameless sister needles Holly relentlessly about Brad, despite Holly claiming she just wants to check out the bistro she so vehemently hated like a minute ago.

“And here I thought we were stalking the competition,” Nameless Sister says, waggling her eyebrows. 

“I think you mean ‘staking out,’ corrects Holly.

“Nope, stalking,” Nameless Sister says, with gusto. 

Holly ends up admitting she finds Brad the Baker attractive, and that the bistro isn’t as bad as she thought. In the Lifetimeverse, this is Oscar-worthy character development. 

Nameless Sister demands to know what happened to Holly’s recent ex-boyfriend, who apparently was named Jacob. Holly says she dumped his ass because they wanted different things—she wanted a man that valued a family and a home life, but he was a workaholic. BECAUSE WOMEN IN THE LIFETIME VERSE ARE MERELY MOTHER AND WIFE VESSELS.

“But being alone in the big city sounds just wrong!” Nameless Sister exclaims. 

WHO THE FUCK WRITES THIS SHIT.

Nameless Sister says she’s going to hop on a dating app (good fucking luck, buddy) because she broke up with Marshall or who the fuck ever.

“I know you’ve always been career-oriented,” Nameless Sister says, in direct contrast to Holly’s warblings about how she doesn’t want a career-focused man, “but a little romance goes a long way.”

“I’ll meet someone eventually!’ Holly insists. “The traditional way!” 

…in a contrived fucking baking contest? Sure. Why the fuck not.

Luckily dessert is then brought out. Holly takes one look at it, ugly smirks, and nastily says “I guess we know what Brad will do if he wins the competition.” 

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST (WHO WAS ACTUALLY BORN IN THE MIDDLE EAST IN SUMMER—LIKELY JUNE—AND NEVER USED A CHRISTMAS TREE BECAUSE IT WAS A PAGAN PRACTICE JUST FYI) HOLLY, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

“I don’t know,” Nameless Sister says, smirking herself. “Why don’t we ask him?”

Because of course Brad the Baker has swooped in!

Holly admits she liked the dessert. The second he walks away, she bares her teeth and tells her sister “No doubt he’s just another workaholic that doesn’t want to sacrifice his ambitions for family.”

“He probably grew up in palm beach with fancy boarding schools in France or something,” she adds, frothing at the mouth.

So he…went to fancy boarding schools in France to become a baker in a small-town Maine bistro?

FUCK I FUCKING HATE HOLLY. I HATE HER SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER.

Luckily we’re interrupted by Loretta (the Friend) and Nameless Sister leaves for no good reason whatsoever. Loretta (the Friend) laments the fact that she’s been in love with Carson since high school, but has never one made a move. Holly encourages her to tell him how she feels.

“Maybe now is perfect,” Loretta (the Friend) admits, beginning to get excited. “People keep telling me Christmas is the most romantic time of the year!”

Kill me.

Loretta (the Friend) leaves as quickly as she appeared, and in her place magically swoops Brad the Baker once more. He gives Holly more of the dessert she liked. 

The end.

The Rest of the Fucking Competition

I can’t fucking recap the rest of this as detailed as I’ve been, because I will literally take my own life. So let’s fast forward.

The next morning shines bright without a hint of snow. Holly and her mother go shopping. Holly sort of admits she misses Madison. They bump into Brad who’s trying on a hideous scarf. 

“Uh, Brad, we’re really late,” says Holly, despite the fact that she’s out shopping with her mother. 

“I LOVE THIS SCARF!” He legit shouts like a lunatic. They get the scarf and go to the barn, which is more stock footage of heavy snow. They bake for more days in the fake snowy barn. Here’s what happens:

• Day 2: They make sticky toffee pudding. It’s Holly’s favorite! Holly fucking covers herself in flour again! Brad the Baker lovingly wipes it off her face! They both make it through to the next round! Loretta (the Baker) makes them stay late to clean up because love! Brad the Baker asks Holly to show him around town because she’s the local girl! They pretend to drink coffee again!

• Day 3: Apparently doesn’t happen.

• Day 4: Apparently doesn’t happen.

• Day 5: Apparently doesn’t happen.

• Day 6: Apparently doesn’t happen.

• Day 7: Apparently doesn’t happen.

• Day 8: Apparently doesn’t happen.

• Day 9: Brad the Baker brings his hideous scarf! Holly has been practicing her baking and Brad the Baker has been practicing his decorating skills! Everyone cheers for the loser sent home! Holly and Brad make it through to the next round! There are only 4 contestants left! Loretta (the Baker) says she and Christian have “come up with a little twist” and say that Carson is going to be blindfolded and will have to taste the winner’s dessert AND Loretta (the Baker’s) famed recipe, so it’ll be hard to tell which is which! Carson is foiled again! Holly invites Brad to dinner with her family!

• Day 10: Brad the Baker and Holly do some after-hours baking lessons! It’s as lame as it sounds! They then enjoy some Bailey’s by the fire, and Brad the Baker tells her he grew up poor, not at fancy French boarding schools! Holly has one sip and, disgusted by the poverty, asks to be driven home! But then they go to the French bistro to make croissants! They found out there’s no nutmeg left in the entire town for the next recipe! Wilma is the day’s loser, so it’s down to Brad the Baker, Holly, and someone named Natalie!

• Day 11: Brad the Baker invites Holly over for dinner! Nameless Sister makes fun of Holly’s horrible fashion sense as she gets ready! It’s snowing! Brad the Baker says he likes simple food! He spoon-feeds her some of his grandma’s secret recipe soup! Holly reveals she knows Brad slipped an egg into her gingerbread mix! They flirt! The day’s contest recipe is a Yule log mousse and it looks like an actual pile of dog shit! Carson does a blind-taste test! Holly and Natalie tie for second, but during the tie-breaker, Holly wins and whoever the fuck Natalie is gets the fucking boot!

• Day 12: It’s Christmas Eve! Holly gets the job offer from Urban Gourmet! But she turns it down to stay in bumfuck Maine! Holly tries to get Loretta (the Baker) to throw the contest so that Brad wins! Brad tries to get Loretta (the Baker) to throw the contest so that Holly wins! Brad wears his hideous fucking scarf! Loretta (the Friend) makes Carson his favorite dessert and then they get together! Christian makes it through WINTER STORM MEGAN in time! Then the power goes out because of WINTER STORM MEGAN! But then they go bake at the bakery! THEN HOLLY AND BRAD BOTH WIN THE BAKING COMPETITION! THEY GET THE BAKERY! Then they kiss!

• Day 13: It’s Christmas! Brad and Holly are inexplicably baking at the bakery! A child comes in and they share the joy of Christmas cookies with her! Then Brad kisses Holly's forehead!

THE FUCKING END. THAT’S IT, KIDS, IT’S FUCKING OVER. FUCK YOU.

There’s no lesson to be learned here. No deep wisdom. No real love. Nothing authentic in the slightest. Everything in this world can be solved with a kicky little contest and a whole bunch of saccharine bullshit. This is a mockery of real life, with a poisonous frosted topping. Everything is terrible, we are in hell, and Christmas is relentlessly marching down upon us. May the god that doesn’t exist have mercy on our souls.