Back in medieval times, when it was socially acceptable to cut off your spouse's head for make-believe offenses and to dump your own feces out your window onto the streets below, virginity was of utmost importance for two key reasons:

1. It was a sign of a woman’s absolute purity, because everyone knows that once a woman has sex, she immediately turns into a soulless succubus…unless of course that sex happens within the marriage bed, and then she’s as close to god as an angel, and

2. It was a super handy bargaining chip for when your dad wanted to effectively sell you to an aggressive, likely grotesquely obese, thrice-widowed Lord twice your age that has cool lands and money and other shit that would be cool to have a stake in.

Times have changed—like now it’s frowned upon to sell your virginal daughters (and even your non-virginal daughters) to creepy older men—but that doesn’t mean the issue of virginity isn’t still a hotly, weirdly, and obsessively debated one.

However, when it comes to men and virginity, this might actually be the one issue where—unlike abortion, and women’s birth control, and menopause, and women’s emotions, and what it means to be a woman in the workplace—men for once aren’t actually considered or firstly consulted.

Enter: This season of The Bachelor. We have the curious case of a non-religious, not waiting for marriage, incredibly good looking man in his late twenties who—despite dating world-famous athletes and having played professional football, wherein I’m pretty sure players have sex at all times unless they’re directly on the field—is at least somewhat confidently (though not all that proudly) a virgin. 

This could be interesting, right? A kind, compassionate look at what it means to be a modern man that doesn’t just Netflix and chill and then ghost your ass the next second someone more appealing shows up on Tinder. Especially on a show like The Bachelor, where each contestant gleefully bangs at least three of the women each season during horrifically hilarious and awkward Fantasy Suite segments, right after receiving some kind of “let’s get it on” pun in a card directly from Papa Chris Harrison. 

But alas, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Bachelorverse, and if we hold our breath waiting for some kind of deep, intelligent, emotional insight into the trials and tribulations of being a Colton in today’s society, we will absolutely die due to lack of oxygen within a maximum of three minutes.

So, without further ado, let’s see how this fucking disaster of a season kicked off.

Delay, Delay, Delay
Are you ready for all the drama, excitement, and insanity of the premiere?? Well fuck you, you have to wait almost 3 hours for anything to even happen. Why meet the contestants when we could meet meth-toothed Super Fans screaming about Ben Higgins? Or watch weird random couples from the Midwest awkwardly get engaged? Or be forced to watch Krystal and Chris canoodle in a hot tub that’s literally in the middle of the fucking parking lot? 

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen—much like Trump, the Bachelor Producers hear our vehement complaints about something and then promptly announce it’s a huge success and we’ll have 10000% more of it, which means we’re forced to endure hours of fucking live footage/viewing parties/horribly stupid segments hosted by past alums/etc. from across the nation before we get to anything of any interest.

Finally we’re thrown a bone with a few tidbits about our vapid contestants. We open with Cassie from Huntington Beach, who utters the earth-shattering admission that she “enjoys working with people” over a surfing montage. Next up we have Hannah from Alabama, who declares “I’m Miss Alabama, which makes me a QUEEN here!” as she clutches her sash like a blonder Gollum. Katie sashays onto the screen next to announce that she basically moved across the country because she wants to dance…in a gym? Heather bounds on next to happily admit she’s never been kissed and is totally still a virgin, followed by Nicole who’s the corporeal embodiment of Camila Cabello’s Havana. There’s then a second montage that’s just shot after shot of contestants praying at the dinner table with their families, and then FINALLY we’re blessed with something entertaining.

Enter: Demi from the Deep South. Not a day over 5, Demi declares she loves dirt biking (“zoom zoom!” she chirps happily); cheerfully takes a call from her mother who’s in federal prison for embezzlement; and waxes on about how she doesn’t get how someone could be a virgin, because they might think they only love chocolate cupcakes, but how would they know if they didn’t try a vanilla cupcake, and she herself is a Funfetti cupcake, so basically she’s saying she has a Funfetti vagina, and I. Am. Here. For. It.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch
More dumb “live!” shit is still taking up 99% of our airtime, now with even more guest appearances by past contestants. Kendall makes a nightmarish surprise showing; no one gives Dolphin/Shark Alexis the respect she deserves; Garrett’s stupid face floats on screen; Nick Viall apparates out of nowhere, slurring so badly I can only assume he got a fancy new retainer or he was rolling so heavily on E without water that his mouth had turned into the Sahara; and while we get a few moments of Blake and Jason, they’re 1) hosting one of the fucking awful viewing parties in the Midwest, and 2) it’s a painful, painful, painful reminder that Colton was chosen above so many actually worthy candidates to be this season’s Bachelor.

At any rate, Jared Haibon accidentally calls Colton “Colon” so that’s something. 

By this point it was actually, genuinely physically painful. Besides, I was already super drunk, so angrily live Tweeting was getting more and more difficult. 

Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home
I’m going to just bundle up the rest of the nonsensical bullshit and throw it out the proverbial window. Forget all the stupid past Bachelorverse contestants. Forget all the horrible viewing parties with awkward proposals popping up across the Rust Belt. Lets just jump right into the action. Or lack thereof.

Over at La Nueva Casa de Bachelor (I was just in Tulum for a week, trust me), we may not have our inexplicably perpetually wet driveway, but dammit, do we finally have our contestants!

• First up is Funfetti Vagina, who promptly tells Colton she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12

• Next up is Tayshia, who seems to think Colton has a personality

• Heather, whose occupation is listed as “Never Been Kissed,” shows up and, shockingly, is awkward

• Caelynn appears next draped in her Miss North Carolina sash, which, when turned over, transforms into a Mrs. Underwood sash!

• Elyse shows up after and is fucking boring; Tahzjuan swoops in to fix that, but instead only makes a horrible pun that doesn’t make any sense

• Cassie then tragically misses an opportunity to make a Bird Box joke, instead showing up with a box full of fake butterflies or whatever. 

• Kirpa goes next, rocking a really awful French Braid

• Caitlin sweeps onto the scene with what’s supposed to be a cherry balloon so she can “pop Colton’s cherry,” but pretty sure that was a strawberry balloon

• Courtney brings a sweet Georgia peach because she’s a “sweet Georgia peach” and makes Colton awkwardly take a bite

• Katie makes a totally unique and unprecedented v-card joke

I’m about to fall asleep, when The Sloth appears. And then I do fall asleep, because I’ve been drinking heavily to take the pain away, and because The Sloth sticks so hard to her schtick that it takes her approximately 15 years to get from the limo to Colton.

Inside the mansion, one of the women is frustrated by The Sloth. "I don't know what you'd tell your grandkids,” she complains. “I showed up in a sloth costume. Ugh! You have to think these things through!”

Won’t someone please let this woman know that she willingly joined the cast of The Bachelor? 

Continuing on with our deluge of sadness:

• We meet Hannah Alabama, who’s useless

• Tracy then raises the stakes as she appears in a cop car, sirens a blazin’. She does a fashion police routine and hands Colton a pair of handcuffs, thus giving us the most gloriously awkward scene in the history of the Bachelorverse:

“I’m saving these for the Fantasy Suites,” Colton chuckles, knowing that handcuffs are somehow used during sex because he heard his football bros once say so, but unsure as to how one actually uses them during the act.

After chugging the rest of my vodka soda, I was able to burn that image out of my brain and refocus on the parade of the truly pathetic. 

• Catherine, an epic warning of the dangers of plastic surgery, scoots over to Colton and promptly pushes her dog into his arms, declaring that he has to take care of her now. She then teeters into the mansion, because her dress is so short and so tight that I’m pretty sure it’s going to suffocate her

• McNutts “The Nut” shows up and gives Colton nuts, halfheartedly alluding to his virginity at best, because everyone knows that horse has already been beaten into such a pulp it’s purely liquid at this point

• Alex B. the Dog Rescuer shows up with what what normally be an obnoxious schtick—she pulls a Love Actually and brings giant notecards that she displays without talking—but it’s revealed that she’s sick and lost her voice, so I won’t immediately condemn her

• CinderErin shows up in a fucking full-on Cinderella carriage, takes off her shoe as part of the gag, and then limps painfully into the mansion, given the fact that she’s now hobbling between a 5” stiletto and her bare feet

•  Hannah G, a walking billboard for Gen Z, FUCKS UP AND MISSES THE SECOND BIRD BOX JOKE OPPORTUNITY OF THE NIGHT, giving Colton a box instead of nothing—aka his favorite underwear. Jesus, I’m so confused by this guy.

• Bri shows up at some point with a fake Australian accent, I don’t even fucking know

There are more women, of course, but I’ve already forgotten them. 

Can I Steal You For a Second?
Hours upon hours upon hours of nonsense happens at the *~super cool live viewing parties~* but back at the mansion, things are finally heating up.

Mostly with the nightmarish demon that is Catherine, our resident DJ and plastic surgery disaster. 

“Can I steeeeeal you for a second?” she Krystals, moments after having just spent 5 solid minutes with Colton. Thus begins a vicious cycle of stealing Colton away from not one, not two, but three separate women. 

After the first steal (from Tracy, who inexplicably wanted to color shoes), Onyeka interrupts, blowing a whistle and wearing a fucking snorkel and flippers. God, I love this woman. 

Catherine slinks away, but only for a moment, pouncing on yet another unsuspecting woman I’ve already forgotten. “Can I steeeeeeeeal you for another second?” she screech-coos. 

Now Onyeka decides Enough Is Enough, and she steals Catherine away for a little tête-à-tête. There’s some glorious shade thrown, Onyeka tells her to back off so that the other women don’t band together and murder her, Catherine vocal fries but doesn’t change her expression once, given all of the plastic surgery, and Onyeka deems the experiment A Success.

And then Catherine promptly goes and steals Colton for the third time. Colton, because he’s a fucking idiot, doesn’t tell her no, despite the deep panic and unhappiness he’s clearly emitting. 

Inside the mansion, Courtney of the Georgia Peach frets that she hasn’t gotten her chance with Colton yet, mostly because Catherine keeps wrenching him away from literally everyone. “I want Colton to know that I’m more than just a fruit!” she laments. 

"I didn't expect things to get competitive so fast,” says Caelynn breathlessly, despite having applied for this show and knowing exactly how this works. 

Other women steal Colton away at various points, including:

• Funfetti Vagina, who against all odds I love

• Gen Z Hannah G, who walks Colton through yoga breathing exercises 

• Caelynn, who gets the first kiss of the season, after Colton misremembers her as “Miss Carolina” because, reminder, Colton is an idiot

• The Nut, who demands to know why Colton is a virgin after he forgets her name

• Sydney, who drags out a string quartet and forces Colton to dance with her

• Elyse the Alaskan, who takes Colton fishing for chunks of salmon in the pool

• Tayshia, who gets a pony ride at Tayshialand (Jesus Christ, even just typing that out took a year off my life)

• Cassie, who does some sign language 

• Katie, who gets a kiss

• Alex B. the Dog Rescuer, who gets some tea from Colton, which is actually super cute

• Hannah Alabama who, after lots of fretting over not getting face time with Colton, finally gets a moment to scream ROLL TIDE at him

In the background, the Sloth lounges in a tree.

The First Impression Rose
Breathless with anticipation, a hush goes over the entire mansion and its grounds as Colton awkwardly ambles into the building to grab the First Impression Rose. He takes like 10 minutes walking through every single room of the house, disappointing every woman he passes (which will definitely not be a one-time thing this season), and meanders through the gardens and by the pool and what the fuck. 

Finally he reaches Gen Z Hannah G and bestows the highest of honors upon her, other than not getting a rose and blessedly getting sent home before having to spend one more second in this disaster.

Colton seems REALLY into Gen Z Hannah G, probably because she’s 23 and blonde. He gushes on about her eyes and makes out with her, and it’s all pretty gross. 

The Producers, probably sensing that their audience is rapidly dying, finally do us a solid with a glorious montage of Zaddy Chris Harrison over the years, and I can confidently say it’s the only good thing they’ve ever done for us. 

The Rose Ceremony
After another 15 hours of live viewing party footage, we FINALLY, BLESSEDLY get to the fucking Rose Ceremony. Colton gets teary eyed, because it’s fucking Colton, and the sea of sad women in front of him fret like they’ve never fret before. Who wins? Who loses? Spoiler Alert: This is the Bachelorverse, we all lose.

The Rose Winners
Gen Z Hannah G is already safe with her First Impression Rose. Joining her are:

• Miss Carolina Caelynn

• Katie the Gym Dancer

• Alex B the Dog Rescuer

• Hannah Alabama

• Onyeka the Snorkeler 

• Caitlin the Cherry Popper

• Annie who I don’t remember

• Kirpa with the French Braid

• Never Been Kissed

• Elyse the Alaskan

• Tayshia of Tayshialand

• Courtney the Sweet Georgia Peach

• Bird Box Cassie

• Funfetti Vagina

• Nina the Kristina

• The Nut

• Sydney of the String Quartet

• Bri the Fake Aussie

• Angelique who I desperately wanted to be sent home because they showed like 35 clips of her panicking about being sent home during the Rose Ceremony

• Tracy the Fashion Police

• Nicole with the Nose Job

• AND OF COURSE FUCKING CATHERINE, AKA KRYSTAL 2.0, who we all know the Producers are forcing Colton to keep around for The Drama TM

The Rose Losers
This means we must say goodbye to our gaggle of fucking losers. Goodnight, sweet princesses, and please know you’re the real winners here—getting off this show is the best thing that could’ve happened to you.

Without further adieu, we bid farewell to:

• CinderErin, still sans shoe

• The Sloth (See you in Paradise!)

• Adrianne “Jane” who I don’t think we ever met

• Laura the Accountant

• Devin aka Broadcast Journalist no. 83748723632

• Revian, who blessed us with the Mandarin word for “stud muffin"

• Tahzjuan with the “I love bad ideas” tattoo, and oh god, the meta

Because the Producers aren’t done with their feverish fun just yet, we’re treated to a montage of the sad losers emerging into daylight, because remember, the premiere takes like 24 fucking hours to film. 

Devin, who I don’t remember in the slightest but seems very sweet, cries about being rejected…just as all of the rose winners parade out into the garden right behind her, cheering loudly about not being fucking losers.

My god, do I both love and loathe this show. My greatest pleasure, and my greatest pain.

Until next week!