This was an atypical episode of The Bachelor in that, while it did have all of the quintessential Bachelorverse bullshit:

• Virgin jokes

• Colton’s nipples

• Beauty queen battles

• Grown adults having no understanding of basic geography

• 23 year olds arguing over which one of them is more mature

• Americans making a mockery of other cultures

• Women calling each other cancers

• Women comparing each other to blood-sucking leeches

it also had a number of incredibly poignant, real, raw moments—specifically around the #MeToo movement, and the highly unusual act of women empowering women on camera. Or at least the Producers allowing us to see women empowering women on camera, because you know they delete 99.9% of that footage in favor of catfights and tear-filled backstabbing sprees. 

Sometimes, I really do struggle with this show as a feminist. Or as someone with more than one brain cell. 

Anyway, after spending the last few seasons being beaten over the head with an onslaught of absolutely toxic men and their fucked up circumstances: 

• DeMario the cheating and questionably assaultive asshole

• Dean losing his fucking mind in Paradise 

• Lincoln the sexual assaulter being allowed onto the show

• The Goose’s incessant gaslighting 

• Connor’s propensity to hurl glass-filled items during temper tantrums

• Kamil’s bullshit lies to get Annaliese into bed

• Garrett’s gleeful love of all things misogynistic and racist and etc. etc. 

• The disappointment that was Venmo fucking John

• Everything that’s ever existed about Leo

it's all too easy for one to be lured into a sense of false security when we focus back on the women and stop (for the moment) dedicating airtime to sentient Tinder profiles that claim they’re “a good guy." 

While the show tends to shine a spotlight on the absolute worst stereotypical attributes of women, it is a nice break from reality. I, for one, would rather watch Demi screech about how amazing she is for hours, rather than read about children being forced into cages, or watch MAGA hat-clad neanderthals verbally assault (and physically intimidate) elderly Vietnam veterans at a peaceful protest, or hear more than 0.0000001 seconds of whatever outright lies Huckabee Sanders is floundering in at any given moment. 

That being said, it’s then jarring to remember that these women are (usually) more than just personality-less props for the Producers to gleefully do as they please with—especially when it comes to being forced to remember that, like the painfully staggering majority of women, they too may have been the victims of sexual assault. Or worse. 

But, like I said, before we get to anything of any actual poignancy, first we must suffer through the usual nightmare.

Let’s dive in.

Ready, Jetset, Go
We open with Zaddy Chris Harrison swooping in to “accidentally” call Hannah B “Caelynn” and honesty, the episode could’ve ended there and I would’ve been happy. But alas, it did not, and we learn that there’ll be no date today, because…

…the ladies are about to jetset off to Singapore!

“Where is Singapore?” asks Hannah G, completely fucking seriously. 

Our 15 remaining women have but one hour to gather their belongings for a trip literally halfway around the fucking world, and off they sprint to get ready. I hope they put everyone in first class except for Demi.

“Life’s all about experiencing things for the first time!” the travel card threatens, because, once again, this season is just one long virginity joke. At least I can rest assured knowing none of them have been to Singapore, because the furthered this cultured bunch has traveled has got to be Scranton. 

Upon arrival, the girls scream in joy about their 3-star Holiday Inn suite, and then promptly run out onto the balcony to gush about how beautiful Singapore is. The camera then pans to a dark, grainy shot of the city without any discernible detail visible. 

I assume they then all die a painful death due to jet lag, but never mind that, because early the next morning it’s time for a 1:1 date! We kick things off with a terrible punishment—watching Colton get back into the awkward vlogging shtick he’s been spottily doing (stop trying to make vlogging happen, ABC!) as he lounges shirtless in bed, quizzically hoping he doesn’t die on the date because the date card cryptically screamed “Let’s fall in love."

God, I hate this show. 

We jarringly cut to a scene of Tayshia, who I barely remember, joining Colton beachside to scamper about the water’s edge with matching white tennis shoes. “I think we’re going to go to a waterfall!” she says stupidly. 

Girl, you ain’t going to no waterfall, you’re on the damn Bachelor.

And, just as expected, Tayshia and our leading man aren’t off for a calming, relaxing, and romantic stroll to a tropical waterfall; instead they’re lead to THE BUNGY, a monstrous bungee jumping attraction that threatens to drop you to your death into a pool.

Cool!

Our intrepid couple are freaking TF out, and honestly, I get it. You couldn’t pay me to do a bungee jump like this, even it if would be *~the most dramatic episode of all time~* mostly because, with my luck, that drama comes from my messy, caught-on-camera death. 

Colton finally musters up whatever scant levels of manliness he has to go first, and then promptly gives the most hilariously girlish scream as he’s thrown ass over teakettle into the air. I recorded the scream and set it as my alarm clock ringtone, because that shit will get me hurling myself out of bed even on the coldest, darkest Mondays. 

Next they bodily hurl Tayshia over the edge, and she stupidly jumps feet first somehow, so she's then treated to a concussion-inducing jerk mid-air as she flops around like a rag doll. How much fucking insurance did the Producers have to take out for this date?

Anyway, the entire thing is so fucking boring. Our leads were literally just thrown hundreds of feet off a towering bungee death platform, and yet the date is still so boring I can feel my remaining brain cells fleeing my skull. 

This isn’t helped in the slightest by the next scene, wherein Tayshia and Colton then go frolic in the water and make out for awhile. At any rate, I love her bathing suit, even if I think she’s the human equivalent of margarine. 

Blessedly the wet, half-naked kissing session is over quickly, and we then spot our daring duo out for dinner and dark secrets. That’s right, kids, Tayshia is just one of the many trauma-laden contestants ripe to spill her guts on national tv, because this show is all about exploiting women in every way possible.

However, Tayshia’s secret is dumb as all fuck. She is…drumroll, please…DIVORCED! My god, the humanity! She whines about how she married her first boyfriend, and because she’s a good Christian she didn’t think she’d ever get a divorced, and yet here she is, on a dating show that makes a mockery out of any and all Christian values, competing with other women to swipe the v-card of a 26-year-old stunted man baby. 

Colton sort of shrugs, unconcerned. “My parents are divorced,” he offers helpfully, before dragging Tayshia away for champagne on a Ferris wheel.

Singapore Slingers
Up next is the group date! Hannah Alabama is losing her ever-loving mind as she stresses out over who will be invited on the group date, and who will receive the next 1:1. Keep in mind that she’s already had a 1:1 so she’s highly unlikely to get another, but of course Caelynn has’t had one yet, and of fucking course after this painfully stupid lead up, Caelynn is gonna get it.

And get it she does! In true Bachelor style, Hannah Alabama is dramatically the last one whose name is read, meaning she immediately knows that Caelynn has one upped her once again. Sort of. The camera then cuts to Hannah in a confessional, shrugging and chugging wine. Big Mood. 

But forget the Battle of the Beauty Queens for the moment, because it’s time for a bunch of stupid Americans to go out and insult another county’s people, culture, and traditions as loudly and frequently as possible. Hooray! 

Off on the largest group date of the season—13 goddamn ladies at once—are Gen Z Hannah G, Elyse the Ancient Alaskan, Kirpa Who I Can’t Stand and Don’t Know Why, Sydney of the String Quartet, Never-Been-Kissed Heather, Onyeka the Horny, Nicole of the Nose Job, Tracy the Tearful Fashion Police, Demi the Demon, Courtney the Sweet Georgia Peach, Katie with the Open Wound, Cassie the Less Conspicuously Absent, and of course Hannah Alabama. 

Our massive slew of women are unleashed on the streets, where they freak out about leeches during a leech therapy session (other than Demi, who claims they love her sweet blood, and Hannah Alabama, who names a leech crawling around on her stomach “Caelynn”); scream and dare each other to eat the cultural delicacies so nicely prepared for them; and generally cause a loud ruckus all throughout the market, just like you’d expect a group of stupid fucking Americans to do. 

At one point, Onyeka—who’d been bragging about all the traveling she did, and how cultured she is, and how she makes it a point to happily eat each country’s delicacies—eats something in one of the dare fests and then promptly pukes it back up into a dumpster.

During this entire debacle, Demi is essentially glued to Colton literally and physically, hanging off him along the market streets like the toddler she is. At one point, during a voiceover of Colton saying he’s uncomfortable with in-your-face physicality, Demi launches herself on him and wraps her vagina around his waist.

Meanwhile, Cassie and Colton have an uncomfortable psychic reading, where they’re told they were siblings in a past life. Like Colton needs ANY more ammunition to stay celibate. 

The rest of the women stress endlessly about how Demi is hogging up all their time (or mere thoughts of Caelynn, in Hannah Alabama’s case) and refuse to actually put themselves out there, because complaining about wanting something is far more satisfying and less frightening than actually going for it. 

Once all of the cultural insulting is done, the group head off for their standard bitch and kiss ritual, all dressed in their finest Forever 21 sundress collection pieces. Tracy is ABSOLUTELY STUNNED when Hannah Alabama steals Colton right off the bat. Tracy, girl, what the fuck. Do you really not know what show you’re on? Is life really this difficult for you? Never mind, don’t answer that.

Hannah Alabama can’t help bringing up The Drama again, but because she doesn’t entirely derail the conversation with it, Colton seems to think that she has somehow matured and evolved. “I feel like today, we got the old Hannah B back,” he says dumbly, right before they make out. Ah yes, the Hannah stuttering in hot tubs, with a distinct lack of knowledge on how to perform a champagne toast. Progress. 

Cassie gets some 1:1 time with Colton next, first to laugh about being siblings, and then to promptly suck face. V.C. Andrews, eat your heart out.

Other boring shit then happens, including Sydney tying Colton up with physical therapy bands (?), and Hannah G giving a really horrible palm reading about how he’s gonna fall for the women with the First Impression Rose, and so on and so forth.

Just as I was falling asleep into my enormous glass of wine, in swoops Demi to bring the drama! She’s incredibly sweaty and glittery as she perches herself beside Colton, ready to give her own version of Trauma. She opens up about her mom being in federal prison for embezzlement, attempting to pretend like she has a soul and that this has been hard for her, but it’s difficult to believe with the constant smirking and robotic script reading. Demi, don’t try to have feelings, you’re much more exciting as a succubus. 

When Demi goes back to the group, she’s greeted by an endlessly complaining Courtney, who laments her complete and utter lack of 1:1 time with Colton, despite not even trying to get some 1:1 time with Colton in the slightest.

Demi is surprisingly nice (in her own way), telling Courtney that she really needs to stop complaining and go get some face time with our dashing virgin, because it’ll be bad if she doesn’t. And I genuinely mean that Demi is being nice—she’s brash and blunt, sure, but she actually seems to be trying to help Courtney, rather than antagonizing her (see: how she treats Tracy) or insulting her (see: how she treats Tracy) or fucking with her (see: how she treats Tracy).

Courtney decides to just complain instead, getting more and more upset with each passing moment that she literally does nothing. Exhausted by this unending blather, Demi rolls her eyes and figures she’ll go get more 1:1 time with Colton, because if Courtney isn’t going to get off her ass and do anything, then that frees up time on the Colton Calendar.

A few moments later, when someone mentions that Demi is back with Colton, Courtney proceeds to then lose her FUCKING MIND.

“HOW COULD DEMI DO THIS TO ME?” she shrieks, still sitting in the same chair she’s refused to get up from for the past two hours. You’d think that Courtney would then run off to find Colton in order to get caught up, but you would be fucking wrong—she instead runs off to find Demi and immediately confront her, ranting about how awful and unfair Demi is being by…what? I don’t get it. Demi legit tried to get Courtney up and off her ass, and when Courtney refused, Demi went to get her some man time. Remember, people, this is The Bachelor, and no one’s playing the game as well as Demi. 

Courtney is a hot damn mess, telling Demi how immature she is and how rude she is and how classless she is. Now, while all of these terms can and often do apply to Demi, it really is fucking farfetched here. And, as well all know, it’s not a good idea to attack Demi, because that rabid little chipmunk is gonna take you down.

And take Courtney down she does. Demi goes right to Colton and tells him how Courtney “verbally assaulted” her and whatever. Yes, yes, it’s hyperbole and over the top, but again this is THE BACHELOR, PEOPLE. What do you expect? Demi goes so far as to tell Colton that Courtney is “the cancer” of the house, as Colton goggles in shock at her. Whatever, Courtney, you brought this bullshit on yourself. 

Courtney eventually, FINALLY goes to find Colton, only to have the Demi debacle thrown in her face. Courtney complains endlessly about Demi, insists Demi is evil, and then promptly bursts into tears and stalks away when Colton admits that Demi called her a cancer.

Incensed, Courtney runs to the group and tattles, letting them know what happened. “Raise your hand if you think I’m the cancer of the house,” she seethes.

All of the other women blink in confusion and protest. Demi promptly waves her hand in the air as far as she can reach.

I gotta give it to Demi—even with the other women fairly shocked that she’d attack Courtney like this, Demi stands firm. She’s still overreacting, but she’s right when she calls Courtney out for sitting on her ass and doing nothing, and then only running to Colton to complain. #TeamDemi on this one. 

In a surprising—yet very, very unsurprising—conclusion, Demi gets the group date rose, thus effectively sealing Courtney’s fate. 

"Jennifer Lopez, Eat Your Heart Out"
The next morning, Caelynn sashays into the living room ahead of her 1:1 date with Colton, while Hannah Alabama has a coronary in the corner. Luckily any attempt at complaining is thwarted, as the tiniest, most adorable, most ancient chauffeur on the planet appears to produce the date card, which simply reads “Meet me downstairs.”

The women all LOSE THEIR FUCKING MINDS over this, as though the words somehow translate into “we’re leaving for Bali right this second to get legally married.” Man, these women need to learn how to react appropriately to literally anything.

Caelynn, remaining calm and smirking slightly, waltzes out the door and down to a fucking Rolls Royce, where she and Colton are whisked away to a...mall. But don’t let the visual reminder of the demise of brick-and-mortar upset you too badly, because our duo are about to drop some major dollars—that’s right, this date is a shopping spree! 

Our girl tries on an obscene amount of gorgeous shoes and clothes, looking stunning in each one. “Jennifer Lopez, eat your heart out!” one of the shop staff shrills at one point, a whopping 15 years past that statement’s prime. 

You know, just once, I’d love a man to spirit me way in a Rolls for an unlimited shopping spree in luxury boutiques. The last guy that bought me anything was a 40-something year old that bought me dinner, before promptly telling me he lives with his father and explaining his family drama in excruciating detail. He then went radio silent for a week, only to text me at like 5pm on a Tuesday to ask me if I was “down for some play time” that night.

Hard pass. 

After the shopping spree, and I’m pretty sure just to fuck with Hannah Alabama, Caelynn comes back to the hotel to show off all of her luxe loot. Some of the girls seem excited, some seem vaguely jealous, and Hannah fights off an aneurysm. 

But Caelynn’s not at the hotel for long. Emerging in a gorgeous emerald dress, she sets off to rejoin Colton for dinner and conversation. 

And here’s where we get real.

#MeToo
I’d heard about this conversation beforehand, and was admittedly dreading it. I don’t watch the Miss USA Pageant (I’d only watch if it was anything like Drop Dead Gorgeous tbh) but I was sent an article by a friend that described Caelynn using the platform to share her #MeToo story, and to raise awareness for sexual assault on college campuses. I got most of the details, but things went far deeper on the show.

Even while showing a myriad of emotion, Caelynn remained calm, pointed, and confident as she opened up to Colton and told him the extent of what happened. And it was bad. Really bad. She and three of her friends had their wine drugged at a friend’s house. Three of the four were raped and assaulted, and it went beyond physical assault—Caelynn later discovered that not only had she been raped, when she’d passed out on a couch due to the drugs, men had lifted up her dress and taken Snapchats of her, mocking her and sending them out to others.

And then? She’d been refused to be treated at a hospital when she went for a rape kit. They told her she had to file a police report first, even though she was still trying to figure out what had happened. It took her so long to get in that by the time she was seen, they couldn’t prove the drugging because it had been too long, and the drugs were out of her system. 

Her school? VCU (Virginia Commonwealth University) didn’t do jack shit. After a year of Caelynn and her mother protesting and fighting, they finally expelled one of the perpetrators. The rest were all allowed to stay. 

I wish I could say that this was a horrible, isolated incident. But it’s not. This is why women drag the mattresses they were raped on around campus. This is why women leave universities. This is why we protest and march and use our voices as a platform for change and awareness. Rape survivors are so often disbelieved, or blamed, or harassed. What were you wearing? Why did you go to that party? How could you let yourself be alone with a friend you’ve known and trusted for years? Didn’t you actually want it?

It was amazingly brave for Caelynn to come out and say all of this on national TV. Her steadfastness and dedication to bringing light to this ongoing nightmare—for her and for others—is, unfortunately, what we need more of. Especially because many rape victims are, for so many valid reasons, unable to come forward. 

And I have to say, Colton handled it amazingly. He was kind, compassionate, understanding, and open. There was no judgment on his face, or in his mannerisms, or in his actions. He let Caelynn speak, he validated her experience and her feelings, and he was thoughtful when he hugged her, waiting for her to make the move first. 

Now, some people didn’t like how Colton sort of spun all of this after. Without naming Aly Raisman, he brought up how his ex had been sexually assaulted as well (a huge FUCK YOU to Larry Nassar, once again) and sort of said that was one of the reasons he was still a virgin. Not because of Aly, but because he’d been with her when she’d been dealing with it, and he knew how difficult it was and what it did to a person. 

I don’t dislike that answer. I believe Colton when he says it’s a part of it, and I can’t blame him or fault him for that. For the partners of survivors, there’s a lot of confusion and misplaced guilt, and the idea of being physical with someone can be daunting—they don’t want to hurt their partners, or traumatize them, or bring up memories. 

In this moment, I think Colton was as open and honest as he could be, and I respect the fuck out of him for it. I respect the fuck out of both of them.

The Rose Ceremony
After a really nice scene of Colton and Caelynn wrapping up their date, I steeled myself to get jarringly thrown right back into the typical drama and ridiculousness, BUT...

…I was once again surprised. And this time, with women fucking empowerment. 

Caelynn, who had every right to just go chill before the rose ceremony, instead went and made a beeline for Hannah Alabama, asking her if they could talk. The other women freaked out, assuming one of them would come back covered in blood, and they’d hold a funeral for the other one, BUT…

…Caelynn laid it all out. She said she knew they both felt the tension, and that they didn’t need to do it anymore. That they could support each other and drop the back-and-forth beef. That they could just let it go, and enjoy the experience, and be there for each other as much or as little as they needed to. And Hannah Alabama, with a look of genuine happiness, agreed. 

What show is this? Where am I? Who am I?

You know what, I don’t care. This is fucking amazing.

Okay, enough of me showing emotions and dropping my carefully constructed front. It’s time for the ROSE CEREMONY, BABY and [insert insult about the contestants here] and [insert insult about Colton here] and [Colton’s nipples].

Oh, and before I forget, we also get a quick scene of Colton climbing on top of Hannah G to make out with her. Because no matter how much progress we make, we are still in hell. 

ONWARD.

Already safe this week with their respective roses are Tayshia the Whatever, Demi the Demon, and Miss Carolina Caelynn. Joining them are:

• Makeout Queen Hannah G

• Never-Been-Kissed Heather

• Kirpa Ugh

• Hannah Alabama

• Katie with the Open Wound 

• Elyse the Ancient Alaskan

• Sydney the Bondage Enthusiast

• Colton’s Sister Cassie

• Nicole of the Nose Job

• Onyeka the Horny

Meaning that Colton, in his infinite wisdom, sided with Demi and sent Courtney packing. Also booted unceremoniously from the house was Tracy and her unending sob fest. ADIOS, LADIES.

We were treated to a vaguely hilarious voiceover onslaught from Demi during all of this, as she waited with bated breath for Courtney’s name to not be called. “Tracy and I beef all the time, but literally Tracy deserves to be here more than Courtney,” she said, addressing her arch nemesis with far more tact than usual. “And at least I have the balls to say to Colton ‘Hey, there’s a girl here who sucks; maybe she could not suck one day, but right now? She sucks.’”

Ah, Demi. 

She of course then showed 0.0% sadness for Tracy leaving, however, and smirked so aggressively I thought she’d pull a muscle when Courtney was given the ax.

Up Next Episode
We’re off to Thailand! Where poor Never-Been-Kissed Heather is desperately awaiting her very first smooch, and we have to suffer through a montage of her blinking up at Colton with doe eyes. 

I hope he doesn’t kiss her.

In what I assume is aggressive editing by the Producers— because they ALWAYS tease this kind of shit and then it has literally nothing to do with reality—we’re then forced to bear witness to a shoddily slapped together stream of Elyse crying over a “HUGE MISTAKE,” while the other women gasp in shock over some kind of drama that the Producers want us to think has to do with our ancient Alaskan. 

“You’re mentally unstable!” Onyeka—the one who once interrupted someone’s time with Colton wearing goggles and snorkel flippers, and then did the same thing a day later while blasting an air horn and screaming about how horny she is—aggressively yells at someone off camera. Is it Elyse?? Is it Demi?? Is it Colton??

Until next week!