Temptation Island S1 E01: A Barren Wasteland
Well, kids, I hate to break it to you, but we’ve been bad. Really, really bad. So bad, in fact, that a higher power has swooped down to curse us with the mind-numbing monstrosity that is the Temptation Island reboot.
Were you expecting scandalous seaside hookups? Excessive tears and explosive arguments? Drama-filled diatribes between stunningly gorgeous singles and their equally stunning coupled counterparts? Well fuck you, and fuck you hard, because this higher power is a New Testament god, and our punishment is a bland, bumbling, buffoonish cluster fuck of nothingness.
We wash ashore on this godforsaken island with a motley crew consisting of:
Aspartame-riddled Diet Chris Harrison, aka host Mark L Walberg
Our four pathetic couples
24 of the saddest, stupidest, least-exciting singles of all time
Brimming with more cuckolds, shrews, bawdy lasses, and empty-headed villains than a Shakespeare convention, this disastrous dive into dating is so awful that it actually makes Tinder look like an appealing option.
Let’s take a look.
The Love Boat
We open with kicky tropical music and our gaggle of fucking idiots setting sail for Temptation Island aboard a yacht. Sadly, the yacht doesn’t sink, and we’re forced to interact with our four couples yet again.
First up are Shari and Javen, the ones who’ve been dating since they were teenagers. “I don’t want to think we’re rushing into marriage at 25, just because we’ve been together since we were 16,” says Shari, who’s rushing into marriage at 25 just because she’s been with Javen since they were 16.
Next up are Kady and John, and their montage is just literally endless scenes of them shooting guns into the sky, interspersed with John explaining that “Kady questions my sexuality several times a week.”
Up next are Nicole and Karl, who remind us that they met at the gym, but that Nicole had a boyfriend at the time so things didn’t “progress super fast,” which is a nice way of saying that they had an affair.
Last up are Kaci and Evan, the former looking like a bobble-headed demon, the latter explaining that his dad was murdered by his mistresses’ husband.
Uh.
Before we can begin to dive into that unexpected tidbit, we’re greeted by the arrival of Mark L. Walberg, who looks like a cotton-stuffed corpse called forth to preside over this hellish ritual. Literally, I don’t think he actually moves or breathes on his own the entire time.
Just an empty flesh suit, reporting for duty (Reality Blurred)
The producers move his lips and arms and force him to propose a toast. Somewhere, Hannah Alabama from The Bachelor just started stuttering and sweating.
“I feel like this whole experience is more of a test to see if we can handle being on our own,” Shari says, forgetting that the experience is to hook up with as many strangers as you can to see whether or not you want to dump your significant other.
The eight sad fucks are finally marched off the boat and onto the island, where they’re told that they won’t be sharing the same living quarters from here on out.
“I was worried Kaci was going to be in the same house as me!” Evan says excitedly.
“More room for muscles!” squeals Kady, reminding John once again that he’s barely a man, the sad, pathetic fuck.
I can only conclude that they found these contestants at open casting calls at their respective city's Coyote Ugly during happy hour.
Swinging Singles
Suddenly, our doomed duos are silenced as a DRAMATIC WATERFALL BEGINS ERUPTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. To their astonishment, as the water stops falling, a group of supposedly sexy singles are suddenly standing in its place, preening and posturing as only people who would willingly go on this show do.
“Ah, not too impressed. Sorry, not sorry,” says Shari, pretending like she’s not intimidated in the slightest.
“Hi, we’re fucking awful!” (USA Network)
Let’s meet these terrifying fever dreams.
All the Single Ladies:
Rachel 25, an officer in the Army reserves from Austin whose live-in boyfriend was cheating on her
Cathlene 28, who’s of course a “model and former flight attendant” and who called the cops on her last two boyfriends
Allie 26, an academic advisor from Fort Lauderdale whose romper is so short her butt cheeks flop in the wind as she sashays around
Kayla 28, a sales supervisor from Cincinnati who “likes to take control”
Morgan 27, a realtor (of course) from Arlington VA who claims she has a sassy ’tude and “knows how to close the deal"
Tara 32, a devout Christian from LA who slaps Christianity in the face by appearing on a show where she’s going to spend weeks half naked and enticing men to cheat on their significant others
Hannah 22, an e-comm “entrepreneur” from Seattle, because all 22 year olds on reality shows are entrepreneurs
Jeffri 31, a flight attendant from Scottsdale who’s showing an incredible amount of boobage
Brittney 27, a yoga teacher who of course lives in Venice Beach
Kathryn 30, a medical aesthetician from Nashville who “knows exactly what she wants”
Sheldyn 25, who, shockingly, is a “broadcast journalism student” that claims she also has strong church-going roots and yet is here to make a mockery out of fidelity and monogamy
Erica 25, a medical assistant and phlebotomist from LA whose last boyfriend cheated on her constantly for a whopping 8 years
Boys, Boys, Boys:
Roman 28, a sales rep from Lexington, KY that describes himself as a “good ol’ southern boy”
Tyler 25, a film financier (sure) from NYC that “knows how to win”
Carlos 29, a project manager from Texas who gushes on about his Cuban roots and then does a saucy little twist, almost losing his balance
Val 25, a self-proclaimed “momma’s boy and over-achieving gentleman” from Brooklyn who will inevitably be a misogynistic fucking asshole
Johnny 31, a walking Italian stereotype and chiropractor from Hoboken who warns he’s “good with his hands”
Jon 28, who—speaking of stereotypes—is a hairstylist, martial artist, painter, dancer, and musician from Orlando who whines about always being friend-zoned
James 29, a “Vice President” of what appears to be a 3-person computer design company from Wilmington, DE
Jack 26, a tile contractor and freelance writer from Plymouth, MA with a sensitive side and Harry Potter glasses
Matthew 28, a world traveler from Boston who now lives in Manhattan Beach
Justin 27, an architect from Oceanside, CA who plans to be married “within the next five years” lmao
Scott 30, a film editor and “model” from Encino, CA that hilariously describes himself as “driven and passionate”
Wynn 32, a former pro basketball player and “reformed ladies man” from Glendale, CA
They are all horrible, vacant cartoon characters.
Allie especially, who leads the pack with a string of eye-rollingly bad barbs as she attempts to shine as the season’s villainess. She scoffs endlessly at the other women, namely Shari, who’s losing her fucking shit at this sea of butts and boobs. Shari snarks and insults Javen relentlessly, picking fight after fight in front of the other couples and the singles as she tries desperately to pretend like she isn’t an empty sack of self-esteem issues.
The men seem less aggressive, although Val does butcher a rendition of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” as a way to assert himself as a sexy threat.
I hate every single person on this show with a fiery passion that none of them even remotely possess. I hate this show on an existential level. I have sunk so low that I am subterranean. Someone please save me from myself.
Let’s Get Ready to Partayyyyyyyy
After spending the night apart in their respective beachfront villas, the couples are forced together again for breakfast and big news. That’s right, the singles have planned cocktail parties!
The men are flabbergasted—just utterly flabbergasted—at the audacity of the single men, who march right on in to take their women on a pre-planned, producer-led cocktail party.
Evan is left positively aghast as a single man comes in and dares to take Kaci’s hand and lead her away right in front of him.
GUYS. YOU AUDITIONED FOR, AGREED TO GO ON, AND ARE NOW ON FUCKING TEMPTATION ISLAND. YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS AND WHAT THIS ENTAILS. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
But the men quickly forget their anger as a parade of single ladies come marching in, all wearing shades of way-too-bold red or very, very, very aggressive leather that must be making them sweat like fucking pigs in the obscene equatorial heat. Thank
“Cheers to heat exhaustion!!” (Bustle)
At the ladies’ party, all of the men are wearing blinding shades of pink, and they are all very lame. Kady canoodles with Carlos, who puts me to sleep for a few minutes. Kaci laughs a lot at everything and nothing at all. Nicole, I think, is there somewhere. Shari sulks. The only moment of actual drama is, of course, not fun making out or tears, but Dr. Johnny establishing himself as a fucking narcissistic, gaslighting, misogynistic dick weasel who seems to think he has something of substance to contribute to this world.
“Are you here to just bring yourself up, or to actually meets us?” He asks Shari nastily, forgetting that he’s supposed to be here to win women over, not to shoot himself in the dick.
Meanwhile, at the mens’ soiree, they’re acting like kids in the proverbial candy shop. Evan, who was so incensed at a man daring to take Kaci’s hand, happily holds hands with Brit the yogi as they do breathing exercises. Javen delights in Jeffri and her incredible amount of boobage. Karl flits among the ladies. John is googly eyed over Kathryn, who’s like a vaguely more attractive Kady, without all that constantly calling him a beta loser and viciously tearing his masculinity to shreds nonsense.
“Love me! Haha, no really, please, god, love me” (TV Line)
The Tribe Has Spoken
If I made the cocktail parties sound interesting, then I’ve failed, because they were fucking awful. Luckily they don’t last long, and we’re instead jarringly forced to watch the couples dragged back together for a ritualistic necklace experience.
I feel like I remember this from the original run, but then again, I remember that being exciting and fun, so who the fuck knows.
Anyway, the schtick here is that the couples get necklaces or what the fuck ever, and they’re effectively fake cock blockers. Each coupled contestant has the opportunity to bestow the necklace onto a single of their choice, thus blocking them from going on dates with their respective partner. If this sounds aggressive, it’s not in the slightest, because they can still canoodle and/or fuck each other’s brains out in the house and on the grounds, so this is effectively just a sign of deep insecurity on the part of the granter.
Of course Kady, she of the constant emasculation, decides to humiliate John by being the only one in the bunch to use her blocking powers.
“Choose wisely,” snipes Allie with the Butt Cheeks. Jesus fuck, all the single ladies are being such vicious little monsters. Were they this nasty towards the coupled women in the prior seasons? They literally are just all gigantic bitches, sniping at the women left and right. This isn’t drama, this is just really, really bad TV.
“Did someone order a gaggle of pointlessly cartoonish villains?” (E! News)
Anyway, Kady skips over Butt Cheeks and instead aggressively throws her cock blocker around Kathryn the Medical Aesthetician’s neck. Kathryn smirks and essentially promises to fuck John regardless. Ah, romance.
John, trying desperately and failing to salvage his tattered masculinity, decides to then also throw a cock block, this time to Roman the Southern Charmer, who—having no personality and having not interacted with Kady in the slightest—blinks in confusion. John says that Kady loves her a good, actual man from the South, so I guess that makes sense, if you could suspend disbelief long enough to think that Roman is actually a man or a threat to anyone or anything.
Diet Chris Harrison asks if anyone else would like to use their cock blocker.
Kaci refuses. “That’s not why we came here,” she says, shaking her head. " We came here to date people, and [Evan] wouldn’t get the full experience if I blocked him.”
Huh. I’m actually starting to like her. She may be the 0.0000001% of anything that’s okay on this show.
And thus concludes this painful nonsense. The couples are shepherded into one of the villas to eat dinner together, and of course, Diet Chris Harrison eventually, blandly crashes the party.
He warbles on about how this is The Last Time They’ll See Each Other Before the Finale (yawn) and the couples all seem utterly shocked. Again, it’s like they didn’t read the show’s premise or their contracts. Actually, that makes sense, because I’m pretty sure none of them can read.
The Notorious MLW also warns that this is the last time these couples may be a couple, given the fact that they’re about to be thrown to a pack of wild, salivating single wolves.
“I’ve explicitly kept myself out of situations like this,” Evan says, torn between wonder and terror. Apparently the man cannot control himself around booze and babes, so this should be fun.
MLW ignores him, blandly blathering on about the “element of the lightning strike,” which, I guess, is what might tear some of these couples apart. Apparently the “element of the lightning strike” is that jolt of “aha, this is my person!” that one gets when they meet their person. MLW felt it with his wife, if you can believe him capable of such a thing. This is, of course, ridiculous to even pretend to discuss here, as none of the couples have enough depth or personality to actually feel something as jolting as a true emotion or a true connection.
The couples are then given a whopping 10 minutes to say their maybe temporary, maybe permanent, goodbyes. Kady and John appear to not loathe each other for a hot second as they hug and kiss goodbye. Nicole and Karl seem cute enough, but are both looking forward to cheating just as they did when they first got together. Shari picks a fight with Javen and is a screeching hell beast as she pulls away from him and refuses to give him more than a passive aggressive squeeze.
“You’re my best friend in the whole world,” says Kaci, desperately, no less than three times, before handing Evan over to the booze and babe bevy.
AND THEN THE EPISODE ENDS. THAT’S IT. 54 minutes of fucking nothing, other than deep regret and self-loathing on my part. All we’re left with is a quick montage of the upcoming season, in which people definitely cheat on each other, the single ladies are consistently fucking awful, and we move ourselves ever closer towards conjuring up the Four Horsemen to just put an end to everything for once and for all.
Until next week!
