I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news. 

It was an unseasonably warm day in September, the last rays of summer sunlight turning the afternoon hazy and soft. It had been a quiet day until then—unassuming, unhurried, without a whisper of danger.

And then the letter came.

What cruel fates have we offended? What monstrous pursuits did we unknowingly partake in? Are we being now punished for the sins of our forefathers? ABC gods, ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??

So yeah, we’re fucked, the upcoming season is fucked, the franchise is fucked, really everyone but Colton and the unlucky ladies invited to the Fantasy Suites are fucked, and that’s a whole different story.

But how did we even get here? It all truly began last night. Let’s dive in.

Cause The More I Drink, The More I Drink
Because this nightmare of an episode was THREE FUCKING HOURS LONG, and because it was the last day of Labor Day Weekend, and also because it was a day that ended in “-y” I was already well and truly sauced by the time 8pm rolled around.

Which turned out to be a terrible idea, because the first image to flash before my eyes was Scallop Fingers. Good god, give us some fucking warning next time, ABC!

Once that particular horror had passed, we slid right on in to yet another day of trouble in Paradise, in which seemingly strong couples were falling apart at an alarming rate. So in other words, just another fucking typical day.

The Doom was heavy in the air for Team Tolton, and honestly I couldn’t wait for them to break up, yet also couldn’t bear to deal with them breaking up once again. They’d just finally been happy and gotten the fuck off screen, FFS! They did happy workouts together by the shoreline! Colton hadn’t cried in like 15 minutes!

Producers: How can we possibly drag out Arie's disastrous legacy even more, while also choosing someone unlikeable that's still hung up on two women and stunted sexually to boot??

But alas, our intrepid Romeo decided that something just “wasn’t right” AKA the producers had just swooped in and offered him the Bachelor role, so he was like “LOL I’M OUTTA HERE” and promptly broke up with Tia in the lamest fucking fashion. He sobbed, she sobbed, everyone at fucking home sobbed because it was just too much airtime for these idiots. 

Within like, 10 minutes it was over, and they’d both shot outta Paradise like really stupid bats outta hell, and you know what? They did get out of hell, we’re the ones still fucking stuck here.

May god have mercy on our souls.

The girls hear the news and immediately gather around Tia, giving her lots of hugs and sad well-wishes for her next inevitable train wreck of a relationship.

“Paradise has been SHOOKETH!” exclaims Chelsea, as the cameras show our sad former duo retreating to their separate Cars of Shame.

“Someone is gonna love me some day,” Tia says sadly, and I cry with her into my goblet of wine.

Colton, on the other hand, says stupidly: I wish I could've been the one to end up with the woman I just willingly dumped ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I fucking hate Colton.

Disclaimer: The Virgin Diaries
Look, honestly, despite my rantings, whatever someone does or doesn’t choose to do sexually is 1000000% their right. Being a virgin is not a bad thing, whether you’re 16, 26, 36, 90-fucking-6, and so on.

But Colton is stunted AF and has NO FUCKING CLUE what the fuck he wants. He’s terrified of really being with a woman (see: his meltdowns and inability to connect with Becca and Tia, both of whom he really had feelings for) and the man is ALWAYS ENDLESSLY FUCKING SOBBING AND CRYING AND THROWING SAD FITS.

(How on earth isn’t he severely hydrated? All he does is sob and chug alcohol in 90+ degree weather for days on end FFS.)

And remember, while there’s usually one virgin per at least every-other-season contestant-wise, the vast majority of Bachelor contestants are grown-ass, sex-having, going-for-the-dick-jugular women, because welcome to your twenties and thirties! Having a virgin Bachelor isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but it does add a whole new level of everything to a franchise based on Fantasy Suite bang sessions and endless puns about hard conchs. 

It also adds a whole new level to a relationship—introducing someone in their late 20s to sex is a new beast entirely, and while it’s a good topic to start discussing, unleashed it via The Bachelor probably isn’t the healthiest of forums. 

Also, Colton needs someone that will really understand and accept the situation; one that won’t push him while on a quest for fleeting fame; one that will work with his hangups and his fears and introduce him to a healthy, satisfying, and safe sex life that he’ll love.

BUT AGAIN, THIS IS HELL, AND HERE WE ARE, SO FUCK IT.

Baby Don’t Worry, About a Thing
On the other side of the beach, the men continue their Gaslight-A-Thon 2018 extravaganza, and I immediately go from feeling deep relief at the exit of Tolton to missing them immensely, because at least they were mostly just fucking stupid, rather than fucking evil.

Eric has momentarily bamboozled Cassandra, who has no clue that he was practically married to Angela the day before she arrived and swept him off for their 1:1 date.

“Eric is totally the type to be upfront and honest in a relationship!” she says happily, while all of Bachelor Nation cringes painfully. 

Speaking of cringing painfully, Angela is a hot goddamn mess, going on and on and on about how baffled she is that Eric changed his fucking mind about her precisely the moment Cassandra walked into Paradise and girl, WE GET IT. 

When Cassandra and Eric come back from their date, Eric is finally guilt tripped into talking to Angela, and promptly begins gaslighting the EVER LOVING FUCK out of her.

She calls him out for being all in with her and then immediately changing his mind and running off with Cassandra, and Eric acts as though she just accused him of murder most foul.

“You mean saying we’re all in meant we were exclusive and committed??” he demands, cementing himself as an Official Stupid Fucker.

He then pulls a Leo and tells her SHE’S THE ONE NOT COMMITTED and she was MOVING TOO SLOWLY and is saying SHE’S NOT THE ONE ALL IN WITH HIM and THAT’S WHY HE WANTS TO EXPLORE OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. 

If Eric can be a gaslighting little bitch, I think it means literally anyone can be a gaslighting little bitch. None of us are safe, y'all.

Angela, appropriately, appears to have whiplash from that onslaught of fucking bullshit. Luckily she’s having none of it, and goes to talk to Cassandra—and the two have a wonderfully uplighting conversation where they realize they’ve both been played. No, seriously, that actually happened, for once I’m not being sarcastic.

Cassandra confronts Eric, and, SHOCKINGLY, more gaslighting and bullshit happens.

Eric: We weren't serious

Cassandra: No it seems like you were, and Angela says you were

Eric: Oh I mean I changed my mind

Cassandra: Last minute, that's fucked up

Eric: NO IT'S TOTALLY FINE I DID NOTHING WRONG 

Cassandra for Queen 2018.

Meanwhile, Kamil is sensing that he’s losing the Asshole Award of the Moment and swoops in to show that it’s not just Eric that can triumph.

Shushanna, who I fucking hate, by the way, has just arrived and is trying to pump details out of Kamil in her quest to not get sent home immediately after said arrival.

“I trust Kamil with my heart,” Annaliese says dreamily in a voiceover, as Kamil promptly lies to Shushanna and says HE’S ONLY FRIENDS WITH ANNALIESE AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERY SINGLE MAN ON THIS SEASON OF PARADISE IS LITERALLY SHIT.

Except for Grocery Joe and maybe Kevin. But that’s it. That’s like, 2 out of 20. 

Speaking of men that are shit, Venmo John pops up for a moment to accept a date with Olivia right in front of Chelsea, because fuck Chelsea who just saved him from going home, yay!

To update the List of Men Left in Paradise from last week:

• Kamil: liar + player

• Eric: liar + player

• John: liar + player

• Jordan: Jordan

• Chris: sociopath

• Kevin: tbd

• Grocery Joe: God

Every Woman on Paradise: Did I make the wrong decision with him??

Me, an Intellectual: Yes. He's a man.

Stick It To Me
Because one breakup and two gaslighting sessions isn’t enough for THE FIRST HOUR OF THREE, the Producers decide to do everything they can to drive the remaining genuinely good guys insane, starting with Kevin!

Producers: Know what would be fucking hilarious?? If we brought Ashley and Jared on to get engaged RIGHT IN FRONT OF KEVIN and destroy one of the only good relationships this season!!!!

Yep, Ashley of the Giant Mouth and Jared of the Wow Did He Really Commit? are back in Paradise, baby! Papa Chris Harrison of course gathers all of the contestants over to the bar to awkwardly watch this totally not-planned-or-staged-in-the-slightest proposal, and he makes sure that Kevin has the best seat in the house for it.

Because remember: Kevin was REALLY, REALLY into Ashley, they dated after Winter Games, and then she dumped his ass without warning because Jared decided he finally wanted her. Yay, modern romance!!

Jared gets down on one knee and gives the most lackluster proposal of all times, and Ashley—a woman who supposedly wanted this with Jared MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD—gives the most lackluster “yes” of all time, and honestly, it was the worst fucking proposal I have ever fucking seen. I fell asleep momentarily, I was so fucking bored.

Kevin seems on the verge of having a breakdown, and disappears from the farce. Astrid finds him, clearly worried, but while he looks like he’s having an Annaliese-style flashback, he actually seems very open about his feelings and how it’s affecting him—and he doesn’t shy away from Astrid.

Especially when he gets the 1:1 date card a little while later. I was so afraid he was going to sabotage it all and pick someone else, but nope, he goes right to Astrid and happily takes her on the date, and THANK GOD FOR A LITTLE BIT OF GOODNESS IN THIS WORLD. 

Anyway, in slightly redemptive news, Kamil decided he’s NOT all that into Shushanna, and is instead putting all his eggs back in the Annaliese basket. Honestly, these two will breakup the second they leave Paradise, but whatever—Annaliese deserves whatever fleeting happiness she can wrangle.

Annaliese is overly delighted to see that her prince in shining Social Media Participant Status is choosing her for the moment, and she promptly invites him to spend the night with her aka bang away until the sunrise. Aw, young love.

Poking the Bear
It’s finally time for the pre-rose ceremony Cocktail Party! And it’s just one insane setback after another. 

“Anything’s possible in Paradise,” Papa Chris Harrison threatens, and our gaggle of overwhelmed women scatter as they try desperately to wrangle a rose from whatever loser they can glom onto. 

Venmo John is inexplicably nervous as well, given that he’s the only non-paired dude. 

“Why,” asks one of the idiots, “it’s your night!” And he’s basically like lmao I don’t know which of the women I’m leading on I’m gonna give it to, casual reminder that I’m the worst lmao.

UGH, JOHN.

Honestly, though, why are women fighting over John? Oh that’s right, he has nice abs and a ton of money, it doesn’t matter that he’s a skeezeball.

“John is quite the promiscuous little boy,” says Jordan sagely. “He’s just stomping around the beach making out with everyone!” God he’s so accurate and yet so ridiculous. The man truly is an enigma. 

Meanwhile, Cassandra apparently has FUCKING AMNESIA and goes off with Eric to have some kind of aura cleansing or whatever, because…I don’t fucking know, she thinks an aura cleansing is somehow going to help this fuckface not gaslight women and play them off each other? 

Women: If you call a man out for his bullshit and then IGNORE THAT AND CONDONE THE BULLSHIT BEHAVIOR guess what: THEY'RE GONNA KEEP DOING THE BULLSHIT BEHAVIOR TO YOU AND OTHER WOMEN.

Elsewhere, Shushanna is freaking the fuck out over Kamil, and being a nasty pain in the ass about Annaliese. She keeps more-aggressively-than-passively-aggressively referring to Annaliese as “the blond girl” and trying to rip Kamil away from her.

Girl, that’s bullshit behavior, and you don’t want Kamil anyway, FFS.

“How much more can I take??” a sobbing Shushanna demands, approximately 5 minutes after having an awkward pseudo date with a stranger she doesn’t actually care about (and vice versa). Cool!

The Producers, sensing that maybe they’ve gone too hard on the women—or (and this is the much more likely option) decided that they really want to fuck with them and see if they’ll start tearing each other limb-from-limb—decide to introduce hunky Kiwi Jordan from Winter Games!  

The four remaining women promptly lose their fucking minds and nearly kill each other in their stampede to get to him. First up is Scallop Fingers, who promptly butchers both a British and Australian accent, because she doesn’t know what a New Zealand accent is, and also probably can’t find New Zealand on a map.

“I’m a KIWI!!” she exclaims.

“Yeah, no,” Kiwi Jordan says, cringing. 

Chelsea runs over to go next, giving a really poorly timed statement about her son at home and how she can’t uproot and move for a man, and it’s all very sad because I love Chelsea and I can see that she’s gonna go home (despite being the only one of the remaining single ladies worthy of staying), and then of course Shushanna breaks in a second later with a Krystal-worthy “Hiiiiiii can I steal you?”

Have I mentioned that I fucking hate Shushanna?

Chelsea, desperate beyond all repair, runs off to frigging Kamil of all people to hold hands and try to instill fear and confusion about his relationship with Annaliese.

“Wait, Chelsea and Kamil are holding hands!” another idiot shouts from the darkness.

“WHAT? OH MY GOD NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!” screams Jordan. 

Annaliese rants wildly about "poking the bear," eyes rolling crazily in her skull, and I feel her. I really do. This show has destroyed us all.

The Rose Ceremony
The insanity comes to a head as Papa Chris Harrison finally calls the night to order. “People are falling in love here. Paradise is working!!” he lies maniacally.  

The sad fucks that live to see another day in Paradise are:

• Astrid (via Kevin)

• Jenna (via American Jordan)

• Krystal (via Chris)

• Kendall (via Joe)

• Cassandra (via Eric nooooooo)

• Shushanna (via Kiwi Jordan NOOOOOOO)

• Olivia (via John)

• Annaliese (via Kamil)

And the even sadder fucks that are sent packing are:

• Scallop Fingers (#RIP)

• Angela (DOUBLE #RIP)

• Chelsea (#RIP FOREVER)

I hope Cassanra drops Eric to the fucking curb tomorrow.

Scallop Fingers promptly passes out or something, they legit have to call a medic, and then Chelsea has a panic attack on camera while the Producers just sort of shrug their shoulders. Awesome.

Then, inexplicably, Rob Thomas gets on FaceTime to give his congrats to Ashley and Jared, because, again, WE ARE IN HELL.

Up Next Episode
Kamil realizes Shushanna is a Stage-Five Clinger. “There’s no spark with us, do you understand?” he asks her pointedly.

“No,” she says, laughing, murder brimming in her eyes.

Witchcraft Gate ’18 is a lurking, people! Also BABIES! Endless babies, because who the fuck doesn’t want kids scooting around sex-laden beaches with a bunch of drunk as twenty-somethings. 

Until next episode!!