Bachelor in Paradise S05 E11: Welcome to Hell
We did it.
My god, kids, we did it.
We survived another season of Bachelor in Paradise—maybe the worst one yet. We survived self-proclaimed alpha men hurling fruity drinks during catfights. We survived the heartbreaking drowning of a gigantic stuffed animal. We survived seeing Grocery Joe cry. We survived Goose Gangs and witchcraft and whatever the fuck happened to Venmo John.
God, I need a drink. A dozen drinks. A hundred billion drinks.
So, how did this disastrous excuse for a season actually end? Let’s dive in.
lol no (ABC)
Last Day in Paradise: Annaliese + Kamil
Has there ever been a more cringe-worthy couple post-Fantasy Suites? Like, we all know Kamil literally just told Annaliese whatever it took for him to get laid, so the whole thing feels so disgustingly awful.
Especially because Annaliese (bless her fucking crazy heart) is SO determined and desperate to find love. And she’s not stupid—she’s naive and, again, desperate—but she knows Kamil isn’t in it for the long run. She knows, and she just keeps pretending otherwise.
Again, we wonder why we have STAGGERING dating culture issues in this country.
Anyway, Annaliese “wakes up” in her finest bra with a face full of makeup, just like I always do, and gushes on and on about Kamil and babies and marriage and the whole nine yards. She’s buzzing about getting a proposal that afternoon, making all of Bachelor Nation avidly look anywhere but their television screen, as if not making eye contact with a pre-recorded screen entity will somehow lessen the upcoming blow.
Cut to the beach, and Kamil stands nervously, awaiting his definitely not-future-wife. Annaliese pretends like she’ll be fine regardless of the outcome, although she nearly explodes with excitement when she sees her beau. Kamil begins with what kind of sounds like a nice speech, and then says he’d rather continue dating slowly for the long term, rather than get engaged now.
“I completely agree!” insists a crestfallen Annaliese, her face crumbling. Kamil picks her up and the two stagger out of Paradise and into certain hell.
Duh (ABC)
Lasy Day in Paradise: Jenna + Jordan
HOLD THE FUCK UP, PEOPLE. Not to completely destroy the one good thing left we have in Paradise, and haters will say it’s ‘shopped, but Reality Steve spent all of Finale Day spilling tea left and right. And PEOPLE picked up the story, too.
Is it true? I hope not. But maybe. Probably. Who would’ve thought all of Bachelor Nation would be heartbroken for Jordan? And who the FUCK would’ve thought that Chris Randone would do literally even one good thing on this earth?
What a fucking time to be alive, people.
But I digress. Let’s watch the cuteness and destroy ourselves even more.
Speaking of destroying ourselves, we open with Jordan preciously saying “This is my most vulnerable moment in history. I only get engaged once, I only get married once.”
If it’s any consolation, we all know he’s gonna get married like, at least three times, so there’s a few good things coming his way eventually.
Anyhoo, Jordan shows up to propose, most unfortunately not in his two-piece hibiscus-print suit, but he does look quite fetching. Jenna shows up looking gorgeous in a blue gown, and immediately announces “I’m freaking out. I’m really freaking out.” This takes on potentially new meaning, if the rumors are true, but in the moment, goddamnit, it’s endearing.
Jordan gets down on one knee, radiating happiness and innocence, Jenna says yes, they kiss and beam at each other and march off into a nightmare none of us expected.
Next!
This is hell (ABC)
Last Day in Paradise: Krystal + Chris
You know, I think these two might actually last because they're gonna really commit to doing things to strengthen their relationship, like murdering innocent people together.
The two wake up, again perfectly coifed, makeup-ed, and lingere-d, and fret about whether or not they’re going to get engaged today, seeing as neither apparently ever thought they’d get married and both have commitment issues and are both fucking crazy.
Cut to the beach, and Chris comes out inexplicably wearing excruciatingly tight, ripped white jeans, while Krystal wears a dress I’m pretty sure I passed over in a Forever21 Final Sale bin.
Chris does a hi-larious fakeout, making poor Krystal think he’s bailing on the relationship, and then GOTCHA, BITCH! he gets down on one knee and pops the question. Such a goose, that fucking guy. Krystal vocal fry laughs and burns out all of our eardrums, says yes, and the two dance off into the bowels of hell.
WILLS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING (ABC)
Back in the Studio
My favorite part about Bachelorverse finales is how they air them live, which gives Papa Chris Harrison and the producers the delightful opportunity to force contestants to relive their worst moments while the entire world judges.
Trotted out to be humiliated once again are our sea of partial contestants:
Angela “I’m now dating Clay, fuck you, Eric” Amezcua
David “Chicken David” Ravitz
Chelsea “Fuck This Shit” Roy
Benoit “I Hate Jordan” Beauséjour-Savard
Shushanna “I’m a Witch” Mkrtchyan
Kenny “I Was Done Wrong” Layne
Leo “Living Fucking Nightmare” Dottavio
John “Surprising Asshole” Graham
Bibiana “Best Wingwoman Ever” Julian
Olivia “Has Terrible Taste in Men” Goethals
Eric “Bigger Asshole” Bigger
Jordan “Golden Underpants” Kimball
Tia “I No Longer Love Colton” Booth
WILLS WHO I FORGOT WAS ON THIS SHOW, I LOVE YOU
Kendall “Self-Sabotaging Extraordinaire” Long
Colton “God Help the Next Bachelor Contestants” Underwood
Conspicuously missing and/or already forgotten are:
Robby “Gonna Cheat” Hayes
Nysha “Who?” Norris
Nick “Leisure Suit” Spetsas
Caroline “No Thanks, Paradise” Lunny
Christen “Scallop Fingers” Whitney
Jordan “Kiwi Jordan” Mauger
Cassandra “Too Good For This BS” Ferguson
Diggy “Sad Trumpet” Moreland
Connor “Eyes Too Close Together” Obrochta
Jubilee “Wait, She Left?” Sharpe
Jacqueline “Oh That’s Right, She Was There” Trumbull
And conspicuously missing but definitely about to be dramatically trotted out are:
Kamil “I’ll Bang Anything Once” Nicalek
Grocery Joe “The Best Man in the World” Amabile
Astrid “Queen of Everything” Loch
Kevin “Dumbfuck With a Heart of Gold” Wendt
Jenna “Might Be Evil” Cooper
Krystal “Vocal Fry” Nielson
Chris “The Abusive Goose” Randone
Fuck, that’s a lot of people.
Anyway, we start with the crowd booing Leo, which is a really nice segue into the insanity.
We then check in with some of our more illustrious former couples for updates:
Colton and Tia pretend that they’re friends and “finally on the same page” or whatever. Can’t wait for Tia to explode onto Colton’s season of The Bachelor with something juicy tho.
Venmo John, SHOCKINGLY, broke up with Olivia post-Paradise. She calls him out for his bullshit, he shrugs and blithely smiles, and everyone fucking hates him.
Eric backpedals so much with Angela that he’s spinning in fucking circles. First he claims they were just friends, then he claims she was the one not invested, then he claims he tried, what the fuck ever, Eric, you’re cancelled.
Jordan and David HUG IT OUT and admit they’re pseudo friends, and honestly, I’m here for it.
Will they? Won’t they? Why are they? (ABC)
Where Are They Now: Astrid + Kevin
Getting into the biggies of the season, we first dive into the tragic love tale of Astrid and Kevin. Remember, Kevin had a self-proclaimed mental breakdown and broke up with Astrid in the first part of the finale, freaking everyone else the fuck out.
Spoiler Alert: I follow Active Escapes on Instagram, a company that does, well, active escape vacations to exotic locales like Bali and shit, and they posted well over a week ago that Astrid and Kevin would be hosting a trip to Bali. THANKS A LOT, ACTIVE ESCAPES. Also, can I go? But for free? Thanks.
Still trying to layer on the faux doom and gloom, however, Papa Chris Harrison forces Astrid on stage to rewatch the heartbreaking breakup before a live studio audience. Fun!
Pain happens, Kevin is marched out, they pretend like they haven’t already gotten back together, then announce they’re back together. Mind-blowing stuff here, people.
I want you to be happy but not like this NOT LIKE THIS (ABC)
Where Are They Now: Kendall + Grocery Store Joe
You know what, fuck Kendall. Fuck her. Fuck her weird obsession with taxidermy and wanting to be a bat, fuck her self-sabotaging, and fuck her emotional bullshit.
Yeah yeah yeah, they bring her out, she cries, she talks about projecting, the cameras follow her on a super awkward trip to Chicago to meet Joe, Joe comes out, they pretend to be sad, and then HAHA JK WE’RE DATING.
Fuck that shit.
They talk about how it’s tricky with Grocery Joe in Chicago and Annalise in LA, Papa Chris Harrison pretends to give Joe an amazing opportunity to be on Dancing With the Stars to bring them closer, Joe pretends like he didn’t sign up for that weeks ago, and FUCK ALL OF THIS.
NEXT.
“Kamil, you’re the worst” (ABC)
Where Are They Now: Annaliese + Kamil
Fuck. We knew this was gonna hurt, didn’t we
So out comes Annaliese first, and she’s mostly chipper. She says things are going well, but that there’s no imminent engagement as they’re taking it all slowly. You can see her dying right on stage as she says it, but c’est la vie.
Kamil bounds out to tell everyone how he took her home to meet his family and to see all his favorite places and it was so wonderful and they cuddle and it’s so cute and then he’s like “But I don’t want to date you so I’m dumping you on live, national TV BYE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KAMIL!
This fucking asshole claims he didn’t want to hurt her and wanted to “be a man” by breaking up with her face-to-face, so SURE WHY NOT DO IT ON LIVE, NATIONAL TV. This is like, the ONE AND ONLY TIME a breakup text is considered a good move.
Annaliese goes backstage to bawl, but to her credit does come out to call him out for being a fucking asshole, even saying she almost broke up with him in NY after he was a super fuck nugget.
“Yes, bitch, yes,” Tia says, pumping her fist in the background.
Annaliese also drops that they had an Airbnb for the week, and Kamil’s like “lmao guess not anymore, bitch.”
She peaces out again and he reluctantly goes after her, lamenting the fact that the cameras are following. "I don't want to look like a douchebag again on TV,” he says, forgetting the fact that he will look like a douchebag literally anytime he ever appears on TV, even if he’s an extra in a crowd of fucking millions.
“I live in New York,” he says, rather coldly, as though that’s clear enough reason why they’ll never work.
“I know, I was willing to move there,” Annaliese says sadly.
“I know you were,” Kamil says nastily.
FUCK YOU, KAMIL.
You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH (Entertainment Tonight)
Where Are They Now: Jenna and Jordan
I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. There’s so much going on in the real world with this nonsense that the entire segment was tainted. TAINTED, I SAY.
So to sum up the insanity:
Jenna maybe was dating someone else the entire summer, while she was engaged to Jordan
Jenna maybe can’t actually stand Jordan and was just using him for fame and money (sure)
Reality Steve supposedly did lots of verification and brought the receipts, showing text convos between her and mystery now-ex
However, the texts look somewhat photoshopped and there’s a weird moment where she supposedly calls the ex “princess” so maybe it’s SABOTAGE?
Jordan was a hot goddamn mess about all of this, regardless of the ultimate truth (see: his mom’s Facebook comments, his discussion with PEOPLE, et al)
Again, I don’t know. I want them to really be in love, because they seem so perfect together. Their segment shows Jordan visiting Jenna and they MAKE VISION BOARDS! With baby Tucker! And Golden Retrievers! And wedding cakes! And GLITTER! SO MUCH GLITTER!
Only time and true investigative reporting will tell how this will all end.
Birds of a feather (ABC)
Where Are They Now: Krystal + Chris
Still engaged, probably still murdering people together. They show Chris visiting Krystal in San Diego and meeting her dogs, there’s an admittedly funny scene where she puts a ring bearer’s pillow on one of the dogs, Chris cries crocodile tears, and Papa Chris Harrison gives them—wait for it—a goose figuring made out of crystal.
The Wrap Up
The lamest fucking blooper reel of all time is shown, though a montage of Yuki being fucking adorable takes some of the sting away. She tells Wells his face isn’t awful, and they batten down the hatches, closing up Paradise for another season.
Lessons Learned
So to sum up all of the life lessons crammed down our throat this season of Bachelor in paradise:
It’s totally okay to refer to—and treat—women like meat!
Gaslighting is fun and easy!
Even the strongest relationships break up!
Babies are fucking loud!
Grown men think it’s acceptable to call each other members of “The Goose Gang!”
Real alpha men put beta men in their place by hurling fruity cocktails rather than previously threatened fist fighting!
Love is a farce!
Things In The Bachelorverse
In case you needed something to fill the void until The Bachelor returns, get ready for these fucking disasters: Bekah M from Arie’s season is pregnant! That’s right, the one who’s mom basically slapped her on a milk carton for running off to farm weed (and the one who said herself she’s too young for any of this shit) is gonna pop out a kid. Cool!
Also, Amanda Stanton got arrested on what actually sounds like kind of a bullshit domestic violence charge. It involved a co-ed bachelorette party in Vegas (because of course it did), maybe roofies, and Amanda shoving her boyfriend to talk to a cop? Or something? IDFK.
Up Next
Colton’s season of The Bachelor is, against all odds and all laws of god, currently filming! Tune in sometime in January for what might actually be the most glorious train wreck of all time. CAN’T WAIT, KIDS!
Until next season!
