Yesterday afternoon, I got distracted at Pilates while thinking about udon noodles and fell into the machine, scraping all of the skin off my right shin.

Even as I flailed around in the springs, I was still more stable, more in control, and had a better sense of my surroundings and reality than anyone in Paradise during last night’s finale kickoff.

How could things have gotten that bad? Let’s dive in.

Runaway Bride
We begin our nightmare with American Jordan getting a 1:1 date card, much to his utter delight. I know the man’s IQ hovers somewhere around that of a rock, but I gotta give it to him—he loves him some Jenna.

The two bound off to what they hope is a relaxing day filled with fruity drinks and swapping sexy looks poolside, but instead they’re met by the most excitable photographer of all time, who announces they’re going to take their engagement photos

“I was BORN camera ready!!” Jordan exclaims, lighting up like a puppy that’s just been given the biggest, juiciest bone of all time. Jenna, meanwhile, immediately goes into DEFCON 1 while desperately trying to play off the rising panic.

It’s not that she doesn’t want to think about this with Jordan (as inexplicable as that may seem to some people) it’s that this feels Very Real and also Very Awkward. 

Especially when they then make her change into a wedding gown.

She does, reluctantly, put the very ugly wedding dress on and teeters out to see Jordan. Jordan’s head almost explodes when he sees her, and honestly, it’s cute AF.

“I never thought I’d find my Jenna,” he says dreamily.

He’s so head over heels he can barely think (which isn’t all that different than his normal state of mind, but) and she finally calms down enough to finish the photo shoot.

When Models Collide
But alas, no one can truly be happy in the Bachelorverse, and the producers are ready to shake shit up.

Enter: Robby Hayes!

Ah yes, Robby. Robby was the runner up during JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, and was on Paradise last season during which he canoodled with Amanda Stanton (and then promptly cheated on her afterwards). 

Gotta love the men the producers keep drowning us in.

American Jordan also hates him, but for very different reasons. Because, of fucking course, Robby has eyes (that definitely aren’t guided by the producers) for Jenna.

“I’m the big bad woof,” Jordan says incorrectly, “and I’ll blow his house down!”

All of Bachelor Nation waits with baited breath for their inevitable catfight which…never fucking happens. Jordan tells Robby that Jenna’s off limits, Robby shrugs and picks Shushanna because she’s the only one left and also she’s the perfect amount of crazy for him, and everyone is once again left utterly disappointed by this disaster of a show.

We do, at least, get this gem from Jordan though:

“Robby’s like a handsomer version of David. I get chicken vibes.”

He’s not wrong.

Meanwhile, the women aren’t having it.

“You know how men say you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife?” Astrid says with disdain. “Well you can’t turn a fuckboy into a husband, either.”

#AstridForPresident2020

The Witching Hour
We cut to the next morning, where a gaggle of contestants are getting their fix at the bar with Wells. A champagne bottle drops and breaks out of nowhere, and everyone looks nervously at Shu, apparently convinced she used her witchcraft skills.

Shu, girl, c’mon—blowing up bottles of champagne is a VERY BAD USE OF POWER.

Some of the ladies, including Olivia who’s apparently Shu’s BFF, try to warn her about Robby. Shu, because she is desperate and fucking insane, doesn’t give one flying fuck. The two go on a forced, awkward date, Shushanna crazily smells her hair to get more of Robby’s cologne scent, they kiss uncomfortably, and she goes on and on and on and on and ON about how she totally wants to be his girlfriend.

You know what, fine. You two deserve each other. Godspeed.

To sort of ease the pain, we finally cut to a scene of Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan being cute. They lounge about on the 3483728733th daybed on the beach, she coyly asks if he ever makes the first move, and the two make out for awhile. Things are good. For the moment.

The Cocktail Party
But they never stay good, remember? For the Rose Ceremony is looming, as Papa Chris Harrison gleefully reminds the contestants, and now is the time for the last few single men to battle to the death for their chance to live another day in Paradise. Oh and also, all you rock-solid couples, now’s the time to decide whether or not you want to completely destroy the person you’ve been saying “I sort of love you” to for the last three weeks.

Yay!

Diggy and Venmo John immediately lock horns in the lamest display of affection I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Diggy drags in the poor trumpet player that was forced with (I assume) threats of violence to PLAY, GODDAMNIT, PLAY! for Diggy and Olivia on their date last episode.

Olivia is delighted for 0.00001 seconds before Venmo John swoops in to steal her, and she’s like “BYE!” and runs off with him to…a handful of sad, dead sunflowers shoved into the sand.

“Sunflowers point towards the sun,” Venmo John says, like a fucking moron. Literally, that’s it. There’s not even a vomit-inducing ‘and you’re my sun!’ line or anything, it’s just a stupid statement for a stupid ploy. Olivia, who must be suffering from a concussion, seems googly-eyed over this.

In the distance, the trumpet blares mournfully.

Across the beach, Kendall and Grocery Joe snuggle happily. 

Just kidding, Kendall ruins everything.

She’d already been acting like a self-sabotaging maniac all day, practically screaming at Grocery Joe that his mentions of proposing to her WERE JOKES, DON’T YOU GET IT, JOKES! instead of something he actually wanted to do. While yes, he was kind of grinning when he said it, it was more because HE WANTS TO FUCKING PROPOSE, YOU MORON.

FUCK I hate Kendall.

She has a complete meltdown going on and on about how she has no idea how Grocery Joe feels (inaccurate) and how she’s not sure what’s really happening (sort of accurate, on her part and only her part) and how this is all too much for her (sadly accurate).

Grocery Joe has finally had it, and is like bitch how the fuck don’t you know how I feel. He tells her he had to watch her run off vagina-first at Leo, then make out with fucking Venmo John of all people, and stood by her while she sabotaged everything over and over and over again endlessly, all because he’s been falling in love with her since day fucking two.

Kendall continues her epic breakdown and EFFECTIVELY BREAKS THE FUCK UP WITH OUR BELOVED GROCER, thus cementing this moment as THE WORST MOMENT IN ALL OF THE BACHELORVERSE.

We should never, never have to see poor Grocery Joe so sad and hurt. Baby, if you need anything, just slide right into my DMs I’m @chelseallyn.

Grocery Joe, having had Enough (TM) says he’s doing home. He promptly gets up and leaves, sadder than a busted-out grocery bag. Goodnight, sweet prince.

American Jordan is beyond distraught, and does that weird thing he does when he gives SHOCKINGLY ACCURATE INSIGHTS into a situation you’d generally think was miles beyond his skills.

“If Kendall has feelings she needs to acknowledge them and own them,” he says sagely, once again boggling our collective mind.

Kendall, meanwhile, spends a few minutes crying about how she never realized any of this (lies) and then goes the fuck home.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

The Rose Ceremony
Reeling from the loss, the shooketh couples gather round the gazebo to hope their own partners don’t brutally dump them as well. Here’s who lives to see at least another 5 or so minutes of airtime:

• Kiwi Jordan (via Cassandra)

• Robby (via Shushanna)

• Kamil (via Annaliese)

• Kevin (via Astrid)

• Chris (via Krystal)

• American Jordan (via Jenna)

• VENMO FUCKING JOHN (via Olivia)

RIP, Diggy, you were too good for this cruel world.

Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby
The harsh light of morning finally dawns after the 349837th commercial for The Good Doctor (He’s talented beyond ALL OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!!!!!).

At least we open with Kevin getting absurdly excited about food, which is a mood I live for.

Papa Chris Harrison gathers his trembling flock to announce that they’re Shakin’ Shit UP and today is gonna be their last day in Paradise, suckas!

That’s right, the Fantasy Suite bone fest will commence this evening, so the contestants have a few hours to decide if they’re gonna go home or let all of the country know they’re about to fuck their of-the-moment partner.

Up first are Olivia and Venmo John. She blathers painfully on about how everyone she’s ever dated has hurt her, while her DGAF fuckboy nods along in agreement. They decide they want to keep dating (lmao, like that’ll happen) but don’t want to go bang, so they walk hand-in-hand out of Paradise.

Next up are Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan, and remember how cute they’d been the day before? Well forget that, pronto, because Kiwi Jordan is all “lmao I want nothing to do with you” and kicks her brutally to the curb out of fucking nowhere. 

Now we have the unending nightmare that are Robby and Shushanna! Robby blandly says sure, sure, they’ll date outside of Paradise, while Shushanna gushes about how much she can’t want to be his girlfriend. At least one of them is gonna stab the other, but alas, it doesn’t happen as they skip off the beach.

Up next are Kamil and Annaliese. Kamil has looked abso-fucking-lutely terrified the entire episode, and has made numerous comments about not being sure about this, while Annaliese has (of course) blindly babbled on about how excited she is to be his girlfriend and marry him and have his babies etc. etc. etc. Everyone assumes this is the end of them, but Kamil realizes he can get some ass if he stays, so stay he does! “I could be engaged tomorrow!” Annaliese chirps excitedly, mere hours away from completely destroying herself.

We move onto Astrid and Kevin, our rocks, the last remaining good, happy, solid couple, who PROMPTLY BREAK THE FUCK UP. “I’m having an actual mental breakdown,” Kevin says accurately, red-faced and crying, contradicting himself at every fucking turn. “You’re the brightest star in the entire world, and when I look at you I love you,” he tells her, as he ends their relationship. Astrid is devastated, Kevin is devastated for hurting her, and Bachelor Nation is devastated that we let this franchise destroy us once again.

We move onto Jenna and Jordan, who of course agree to their suite between sending sexy looks at each other.

Last up are their evil doppelgängers Krystal and Chris. “Marriage is a thing I didn’t think I’d ever want,” Krystal vocal fries, seemingly forgetting that she’s been on back-to-back reality shows where the entire premise is to get married. I hoped they would break up and save us the mental anguish of thinking about them banging, but alas, of course they decide to go for it.

So to recap, we say goodbye for now to:

• Olivia and Venmo John

• Shushanna and Robby

We say goodbye forever until at least the Tell All Episode to:

• Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan 

• Astrid and Kevin 

And we know these folks are all about to go bang each other’s brains out in the Fantasy Suites:

• Annaliese and Kamil

• Jenna and American Jordan

• Krystal and Chris 

To really make everyone in the fucking world uncomfortable, we’re then treated to a bizarre montage of all the Fantasy Suite couples dressed to the nines and slowly marching down hotel hallways en route to the Pussy Pads. 

Annaliese blathers on some more and Kamil shows us he’ll say literally anything to get laid. Chris and Krystal’s room must not have AC because they are SO FUCKING SWEATY JUST SITTING THERE. Jenna tweaks a little but Jordan comforts her. “You’re more than just a bombshell!” he tells her earnestly. 

Then there’s a WAY TOO LONG SCENE of the couples groping, rolling around on beds, making out, and making sexy eyes at each other. HONESTLY WHY IS THIS A FUCKING THING.

The only good thing we get from any of it is a scene of Kamil wandering out of the bedroom, picking up a platter of meat (?) and announcing “more sausage, coming in hot!” as he disappears back into the bedroom.

UNTIL NEXT EPISODE, KIDS.