Imagine this:

It’s the morning after a nuclear explosion. The survivors are walking around shellshocked, stumbling over bits and pieces of rubble. The sky is dark and foreboding, heavy with the threat of acid rain. From the distance comes a shout: just liking horribly racist, misogynistic, bigoted, xenophobic, anti-LGBTQ+ content and propaganda saying the child survivors of a massacre are liars is perfectly acceptable and isn’t a problem, move on! 

That’s right, Bachelor Nation, it’s the morning after Becca’s season finale, and those of us that survived aren’t sure if we’re the lucky or unlucky ones. 

A season based entirely on the mistreatment of a woman—that was then layered gleefully with abusive behavior, sexual assaulters, and other hateful bullshit—shockingly ended just as we expected it to. 

Let’s dive in. (Don’t forget the oxygen mask, you’re gonna need it.)

Madness in the Maldives
We open with the calming aquamarine waters of the Maldives, a place our final two suitors got incredibly excited about, yet probably couldn’t find on a fucking map.

Becca looks longingly out over the gentle waves, feeling warm and content over the fact that she’s about to brutally reject the man she loves and knows she should pick, in favor of the horrible asshat everyone around her is trying to get her away from. Romance, baby!

She goes on and on and on about loving both Blake and Garrett, which is rich because she also loved Arie like a week ago, and this entire thing is such a festering pile of NO that it’s making me want to hurl my TV out my 18th-story window. 

Having been hauled halfway around the world to witness this assholery, Becca’s family waits restlessly for her arrival, knowing full well how terrible her taste in men is, and that they’re going to have to put up with the fuckface she chooses for like, at least a few months. 

Becca rushes in to greet her family in the world’s teeniest, tiniest dress. “I have two of the best guys in the world!” she chirps, before immediately marching Garrett in.

Water(works)gate
Garrett, looking suspiciously like he had a facelift between episodes, promptly spends the entire time with Becca’s family sobbing big ‘ol crocodile tears in an effort to completely distract them from what a piece of shit he is. 

Look: he’s a piece of shit.

I pissed off sooooo many people on Twitter with this (including the Chicks on the Right, who were so incensed by the HYPOCRISY!!! of people pointing out this fact that they had to dedicate a blog post about us to it all—glad to see I’m in good company with Diggy from Rachel’s season, a TV critic for EW, and The Betches!) but that’s just a fact. Garrett isn’t some changed, learned man that’s embraced The Good Life—he’s a classic narcissist that can cover his spots for whatever situation arises, yet can never actually change them. 

For those of us that have been in a relationship with someone like Garrett, you get real good at spotting this shit from a mile away. The faux tears, the big song and dance, the forced smiles, the sweeping under the rug of anything and everything. It’s a pattern of behavior that’s as old as time, and good GOD is it infuriating.

But Becca is blind to it (partially because she hasn’t seen the horror that is his now-deleted Instagram feed) and we’re forced to watch this poor woman—who was just humiliated on national TV by one asshole—be humiliated on national TV by yet another asshole while we’re all helpless to stop it.

Garrett promptly makes the situation better by going on and on about how his ex-wife was the sole cause of the demise of his TWO-MONTH MARRIAGE and refuses to take any responsibility for his part in it. “She fought with my family,” he whines unconvincingly. 

Becca’s Uncle Chuck nods along so fast his head nearly detaches from his body. “You know his heart is in the right place,” he says happily, oblivious to the nightmares that Garrett has conjured outside of the Bachelorverse. 

The Abandonment of All That Is Good
Oh, Blake. 

Those of you that have (somehow) managed to read all my blogs and/or follow along with my incessant ranting on Twitter know that I first saw Blake as a sentient glop of mayo—white, bland, and nothing I wanted near my mouth. 

But as the season’s gone on, he’s grown on me. Now I know editing can do a number on a person (for better or worse) but Blake has somehow emerged into something amazing. He’s kind, thoughtful, and caring; he seems to truly be falling for Becca and putting her best interests at heart at all times; he’s fucking ripped and huge and how did I miss that??; oh and he’s a survivor of a school shooting, which if it wasn’t poignant enough on its own, stands out in a whole new light against Garrett’s gleeful attempts to discredit the survivors of other school shootings.

He’s an amazing pick, and Becca should be all in.

“Blake was the first to establish a connection and a relationship,” Becca points out, dooming him instead.

“I’ve been in love with Blake for awhile now,” she continues, something she’s come right out and said a few times now, which make this all the more infuriating and painful. Becca has been falling hard for Blake all season long, and he’s the only one she’s been really open about. She knows she should pick Blake, yet his reliability and lack-of-drama aren’t exciting enough for her. She needs the insanity that is Garrett, because Becca, like myself, is her own goddamn worst enemy.

Even just watching the way the two men look at her is painfully telling. Blake looks at Becca like he utterly adores her and is falling in love with her. Garrett looks at Becca like a conquest to fool for his deep narcissistic needs. It’s all in the eyes, guys.

“Blake would challenge you more and be more of a teammate,” her sister points out, and you can see Becca’s face fall. She wants her family to tell her to pick Garrett so that she feels better about picking the guy she knows is the wrong choice.

There’s then a particularly painful scene of Blake sitting outside with Uncle Chuck, who asks “Is there anything I should know about Garrett?” 

Blake, of course, can only pick up on the awful but doesn’t know any of the details. You can see him shift and try to decide how much he should say. “I don’t think so,” he finally says sadly, to which all of Bachelor Nation promptly bursts into tears and wishes we somehow had a time machine to make this all better. 

“I don’t feel good,” Blake admits, after clearly feeling Becca pulling away from him all day. 

That’s because you’re in hell, Blake, and this world doesn’t deserve you.

We’re then interrupted by Chris Harrison hammering this point home back in the studio. 

“Who will Becca choose,” he slavers, “and WHO WILL GO HOME UTTERLY DEVASTATED!”

Despite all my rantings, I live for Chris Harrison’s deep need for destruction and chaos in the Bachelorverse.

Family Matters
Man, how devastated is Becca’s family gonna be when they hear the news about Garrett and realize this franchise done screwed her over two times in a row?

“Garrett’s such a beautiful soul,” Uncle Chuck sighs dreamily. “He’s like a poet!”

WHAT THE FUCK, UNCLE CHUCK.

I can’t watch another second of this, so I got up to refill my wine glass until it sloshed over the rim.

When I stumbled back to my room, I caught the onslaught of her family telling her she had two great guys, and how they were so torn, and yada yada yada. Whatever.

Romper Time
We end one bad segment and roll right into another with Becca’s Last Date with Garrett. She’s wearing a romper, which is the biggest indication that she’s going to pick him, and anyone with half a brain cries into their wine glass.

A boat comes speeding up and Becca squeals in delight. “A boat! We haven’t been on a boat yet!”

Things Becca and Garrett also haven’t done:

• Been in the real world

• Discussed politics and morals

• Saw each other for what they really are

• Checked each other’s Instagrams

• 1000000000 other things because they’ve known each other for a month

But let’s ignore all that as they jump off into the watery abyss and playfully swim around the boat. 

There’s lots of canoodling and it’s all very painful and trying, and then they’re off to pretend to eat dinner and annoy us all.

“I live for the freckles on her face that come out in the sun!” Garrett says astutely. “And her soft lips!” I think he begins crying again right after that, but I tuned out because he makes my ears and brain bleed.

Becca yammers on about them both being quirky and weird, which is just not fucking true. Attractive people that are neither quirky nor weird—STOP THIS. Don’t you know that a Manic Pixie Dream Girl blinks out of existence every time you vomit this up?

Becca then painfully compares Garrett to her father and Garrett cries some more, which is actually impressive, given that he must be severely hydrated by this point with all that faux sobbing. 

And here, again, is the issue. Garrett is so full of shit. He’s the kind of guy that convinces you he’s in it for real, for the longterm, bangs you a few times, then claims he never said any of the good things he said and ghosts you a day later.

At any rate, he deserves an Emmy after this impressive display as an Actual Good Human Being, god help us all.

Blake’s Big Day Out
We kick off the heartbreaking Last Date with Blake with a healthy dose of legs-around-the-waist, lots of kissing in the ocean, and the bloodcurdling feeling of impending doom that all of Bachelor Nation is grappling with right now.

He talks about protecting himself yet loving Becca so very much, and while I don’t think he’s actually in love with her, because that’s not how this works (that’s not how any of this works), he’s definitely falling hard for her. We’re treated to an epic display of How to Actually Be a Good, Kind, Loving Person which makes the impending ending all the more disastrous. 

What does slightly help is when Blake presents Becca with WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT SHADOWBOX THING IS, which made me think for like 0.001 second he was a serial killer, but again, the Interns are getting really sloppy with the fake sentimental gifts this season, so I can overlook that. Mostly.

Seriously, this thing is fucking terrifying.

It really is just a shame. Blake knows what’s coming, because he’s actually intelligent and emotionally connected, and it’s a mess. Yet of course he stays kind, calm, and compassionate throughout, because that’s what an actual man does.

One Ring to Rule Them All
ABC then hauls out Neil Lane’s corpse for yet another season, letting Blake and Garrett hem and haw over a small collection of meaningless rings. There’s nothing more depressing than watching them choose something utterly devoid of connection, solely to help Neil Lane hawk expensive diamonds to a drooling-for-a-proposal audience. 

The two pick their baubles and then, it appears, are shuttled around on boats for a few hours while they take turns proposing. Romance, baby.

Becca wanders out onto a pier wearing a dress I’m pretty sure she glued together in her 4th-grade art class and claps her hands excitedly, looking forward to completely gutting one suitor and making a terrible decision with the other. 

After the DRAMATIC BUILDUP (TM) it’s of course…Blake off the boat first, thus confirming that this nightmare is all too real, and he’s about to be brutally rejected and sent packing. 

But first, let’s let him humiliate himself on national TV! 

Chris Harrison is foaming at the mouth with excitement as Blake approaches, knowing he and ABC are about to feed.

The Producers let Blake start his speech, which is, of course, kind, caring, compassionate, real, romantic, and insightful. He says all of the right things and means it. This is what a proposal should sound like, people.

So of course Becca stops him in his tracks and rips his heart out in only the way she can. She tells Blake—REPEATEDLY—that he’s not wrong, that they did love each other, that she thought it would be him all along, that they’re perfect for each other, that there’s no drama just deep love and affection, and that they’d really make it work.

LMAO. MY FUCKING GOD.

Blake is dumbfounded, and for good fucking reason—who wouldn’t be after this unending onslaught of how wonderful he is and how they should be together?? I know Becca though she was throwing him some kindness bone, but instead she only, cringingly, proved that she’s making an enormous mistake for all the world to see.

Blake cries but kindly tells her he wants nothing but the best for her, that he loves her and cares about her, and that all he wants is for her to be happy. He leaves without drama or anger, and disappears into the jungle.

Slide into my DMs anything on Twitter, Blake @chelseallyn.

Do You Have to Let It Linger?
The answer: FUCK YES.

We cut back to the live audience where Blake has been trotted out and forced to watch his complete evisceration all over again, because there’s nothing as delightful for ratings as completely crushing someone good into a bloody, pulpy paste of hurt and sadness. 

“I can see you’re shaking, nervous” Chris Harrison prompts feverishly, but Blake—because he’s Blake—doesn’t take the bait. He’s once again kind, compassionate, stoic, and open. He talks about how he’ll always feel love for Becca, and that he wishes her nothing but the best.

When they gleefully bring Becca out to try to bait him again, he tells her, genuinely, “I feel so lucky and fortunate that you were my Bachelorette.” 

Now it’s my turn to sob, because love is dead and fuckbois reign supreme.

The Horror, The Horror
Speaking of fuckbois, here comes Garrett! 

Let’s cut to the chase: He cries fakely, she claps her hands with glee, he proposes, and they get engaged. There’s stupid dancing and obnoxious glee, and we have to remember that she just did all of this with Arie like a month ago. 

God, I cannot WAIT for them to break up within the next three months. 

Becca’s family claps along inanely in the studio as the two come careening out, being obnoxious AF and pretending like all of this is a good idea. You can feel the regret pouring out of Becca, but too late! She’s gotta do the interview circuit and pretend she can tolerate a man that’s a fucking intolerant toolbag for at least a few months. Sucks to be her. 

They ooh and ahh over the ring that Garrett plucked from like 5 pre-chosen rings with barely a thought, because none of them were actually hand-selected for her specific taste, and the whole thing is just as fucking fake as this “love” on stage. 

“Garrett is just such a pure, genuine soul,” Becca blathers, moments before they FINALLY FUCKING ADDRESS THE INSTAGRAM DEBACLE.

And this is where you see the extent of the horror. 

Garrett shows 0.00000% remorse and doesn’t actually give a real apology or take any actual responsibility for his actions. He claims gleefully double-tapping on all the hate isn’t “really who he is” because sure, why wouldn’t we believe that a 29yo GROWN ASS MAN didn’t understand what hate was, and didn’t understand that liking it and sharing it would PERPETUATE THAT HATE AND INTOLERANCE.

ABC: STOP. PERPETUATING. HATE. AND. INTOLERANCE. Oh and violence and abusive behaviors, because you also did a LOT of that this season too.

Garrett isn’t sorry in the fucking slightest for perpetuating all that bullshit, he’s only sorry that he got caught, and he’s going to say whatever he thinks Becca and Bachelor Nation want to hear in order to avoid facing any repercussions. Garrett is no more a changed man than I am a fucking tree stump. Again: That’s not how this works. 

But none of that matters to ABC and the hellscape that is this world, because these behaviors get good ratings and good gossip, and ABC is going to milk those poisonous teats forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

FOREVER.

Quick recap of the things ABC condoned/swept under the rug/normalized this season:

• Men that sexually assault women

• Men that showcase clearly abusive behavior

• Men that are bigoted, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, intolerant

• Men that think the Parkland massacre survivors are liars and paid actors

• Men that think the world is flat

AWESOME.

Next Season, on The Bachelor
There are a lot of rumblings about either Jason or Blake being the next Bachelor, and while I support this in theory, I have to Just Say No.

We’ve already drawn out the fucking nightmare of Arie’s season for two consecutive seasons now, and clearly everything to come out of it is fucking poisoned. Put that shit to bed and find a new Bachelor untainted by this insanity.

Lmao what am I saying, it’s probably going to be Lincoln.

Until next season!