Bachelor in Paradise Season 5: Bikini Beach Party
After the complete and utter nightmare that was the two-season Arie and Becca Debacle Arc, I am SO EXCITED to finally get back to what really matters: stupid Bachelorverse castoffs frolicking about in the waters of Mexico, getting roaringly drunk before 8am, brutally eliminating contestants that haven't found someone to partner with, and sobbing incessantly over the injustices of dating fellow morons while cast off to a remote beach. Hooray!!
That's right, folks, Bachelor in Paradise is BACK, and with it comes false promises of happily ever after. Ahead of tonight's premiere, let's examine the cascade of losers, lovers, and layabouts we get to spend the next few weeks with:
Who? (ABC)
Angela Amezcua
Season: Nick Viall
Fun Fact: Eliminated in the first damn episode
I have no idea who Angela is, and I watched Nick’s season with hawk-like precision, given the inevitable train wreck I knew would explode. Apparently she’s a model from South Carolina (sure), wants to be a stay-at-home mom (of course), and would be a dolphin if she had to be an animal. Maybe that’s why she was cut so early—there was only room for one dolphin that season and goddamn if it wasn’t going to be Alexis.
"Who let the dogs out? NO GOD, SERIOUSLY" (ABC)
Annaliese Puccini
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Fun Fact: Has deep childhood bumper car trauma
An event designer from San Francisco, Annaliese is…special. Some of the best work the Bachelor Interns ever did were the Vietnam War-style reenactments around her multiple deep traumas (bumper cars, cute dogs, etc.) and man, were her ridiculously over-the-top tears each episode entertaining. Can’t wait for the inevitable onslaught of coconut trauma and deadly mini drink-umbrella flashbacks to come.
Yawn (ABC)
Astrid Loch
Season: Nick Viall
Fun Fact: Describes her height as 5’7” and a fucking half
Astrid was eliminated in the fourth episode, but not before nefariously winning the “Nickathalon” which Rachel actually won but Astrid pulled through on a technicality. While she may have splashed right into (yet another) bizarrely placed hot tub that episode, she was pushed right back out in episode 4, so eh. She also says she’d be a dolphin if she had to be an animal, and wtf is up with the dolphin obsession this season?
#JusticeForBibiana (ABC)
Bibiana Juliana
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr. + The Bachelor Winter Games
Fun Fact: Wants to be a free orca
BIBS! Love this girl, and so glad she’s coming back for more drama. She was booted far too early (same episode as Annaliese and Lauren #875955 of the season) and peaced early as well from The Bachelor Winter Games. During Arie’s season she and Tia were BFFs united against common enemy Krystal, and there was that one time she set up a daybed and telescope for a romanic rendezvous, only to have Lauren B blandly sweep it and steal it. Bibiana bucks the dolphin trend and says that if she were going to be an animal, it would be a “free orca” as opposed to a “high-priced orca” I can only assume.
Diet Villain (ABC)
Chelsea Roy
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Fun Fact: The Villainess That Wasn’t
Ah, Chelsea. They set her up to the be the Villainess of the season, but in the end it really just wasn’t her. She was nicer and saner than originally portrayed, although that was also around the time Krystal fully blossomed into a full-on psychotic monster, so maybe it was just perspective? Going back through old bios I discovered a quote from her saying she “hates it when dates display over-the-top PDA. Let me breathe!” which is fucking hilarious because Arie’s signature move was unhinging his jaw like an anaconda to devour the face of the woman he was kissing at any given moment. Totally get why Chelsea seemed less and less enthused with Arie as the season went on.
100% Villain (ABC)
Chris Randone
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Is goddamn motherfucking crazy
FUCK, ABC, REALLY? Let’s take a look:
First, we have the disaster that is Bachelor in Paradise Season 4 with the Corinne/DeMario debacle
Now we have the utter travesty of mashing Lincoln the Sexual Assaulter, Connor the Red Flag, Chris the Fucking Crazy, and Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett all together on one season
Oh and we also have that dude that made it onto The Proposal despite having been convicted of assisting with a horrifying sexual assault
WHY ARE WE NOW INVITING CHRIS BACK ONTO ANYTHING, CONSIDERING THE OVERTLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR YOU SPLASHED SUCH A SPOTLIGHT ON FOR 6 GODDAMN EPISODES. JESUS.
100% Virgin (ABC)
Colton Underwood
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Is a virgin that can’t drive (the ball)
This is when we finally get to watch Colton and Tia blissfully reunite! And I suppose get lots and lots and lots and lots of virgin daiquiri jokes all season long. Oh, what’s that, you didn’t know? Connor (a free agent tight end for the NFL that absolutely no one wants to pick up) is a virgin, a closely guarded secret he doesn’t just share with everyone despite blabbing it all over national TV to anyone that would listen. Given the buildup, we’ll probably also have to deal with Becca swooping in at some point, because this franchise just cannot let anything even remotely related to Arie’s season die.
Look at how goddamn close together those eyes are (ABC)
Connor Obrochta
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fn Fact: Is a gigantic walking red flag
OH HEY, SEE THE CHRIS NOTICE ABOVE. Connor is famous for insanely overreacting and snapping over a framed picture, using emotionally abusive coercion tactics, and having eyes set too closely together. Awesome. He’s a fitness coach (of course) from Florida (of course) and played for the Atlanta Braves (of course) so, you know, bingo.
Chicken in its natural habitat (ABC)
David Ravitz
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Chicken David!
THANKFULLY we leave abusive!crazy for fun!crazy with the gloriously welcome addition of Chicken David, the so-called 25yo “venture capitalist” who’s totally going to hook up with Jordan, because if there’s any chemistry at all during Becca’s season, it was solely between the two of them. Just make sure he’s not on a top bunk, cause he’s likely to fall off and fucking kill himself.
A true keeper--no, I'm being real for once, he's actually, blessedly awesome (ABC)
Eric Bigger
Season: Rachel Lindsay
Fun Fact: Second only to Peter in that season’s amazingness ranks (and maybe of all time)
MAH. HART. Oh, Eric. The third-runner up in Rachel’s season, Eric is just a dream. He’s kind, caring, thoughtful, patient, and mature, which obviously meant he was getting axed in favor of lesser men. Really hoping he finds something real (or as real as you can get in the Bachelorverse).
GROCER JOE (ABC)
Joe Amabile
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: GROCER JOE
JUSTICE. HAS. BEEN. SERVED. Grocery Store Joe finally triumphs! Our absolute favorite from Becca’s season (other than Leo and Wills, who were also cut down far too early) is finally redeemed. All of the championing Bachelor Nation did for this man has finally paid off, and I am SO EXCITED to see him on my television screen once again.
Shockingly adept at climbing trees (ABC)
John Graham
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: John of Venmo
John has a few tricks up his otherwise-bland sleeve, including being shockingly good at clamoring up logs, maybe having created Venmo, and rocking ridiculously ripped abs (damn, girl). John is bland (his bio cheerfully states that you can find him “making his world-famous banana bread”) but actually seems like a genuinely nice guy, so I’m hoping he joins forces with Grocer Joe and Eric to battle the darkness that are Chris and Connor.
He of the golden plum smugglers (ABC)
Jordan Kimball
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Captain Underpants
kgdfdgfjhgfasjh. Sorry, that was my brain exploding in joy, because my BB is back!! Jordan the male model, he of the golden underpants glory, bringer of the “pensive gentleman” look, arch nemesis of Chicken David, is back! Finally we’ll be blessed with more glorious one-liners, too-short shorty shorts, and beachside prancing.
Legit collects dead stuffed animal carcasses (ABC)
Kendall Long
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Fun Fact: Taxidermy Enthusiast!
Honestly I could never really be comfortable with Kendall because all I could ever think about was “man, this girl collects stuffed dead animals for fun” and with everything going on in the world right now, I just can’t add this onto my plate too. She’s shown up a few times on Becca’s season for Faux Forced Friendship Time, during which she just sort of…lurked weirdly. Kendall says she’d be a bat (which she excitedly notes is a “flying mammal!”) and adds that her sister agrees on the bat front because “she sees beauty in dark things.” Jesus fucking Christ, I hate Kendall.
Like Eric, was too good and pure for this franchise (ABC)
Kenny Layne
Season: Rachel Lindsay
Fun Fact: Wrestler!
Kenny wrestled his way into our hearts during Rachel’s season, emerging as the kind, big-hearted single dad that was genuinely looking for love. Of course he was then brutally eliminated, but hey, Rachel’s loss is our gain!
Wow, those tattoos are tragic (ABC)
Kevin Wendt
Season: The Bachelorette Canada + The Bachelor Winter Games
Fun Fact: Won the first season of The Bachelorette Canada!
Buuuut as we all know, that didn’t last, as Kevin was canoodling with Ashley Iaconetti during the delightfully terrible Bachelor Winter Games. Kevin swears he’s looking for real love, but I’m willing to bet he’s another Dean in disguise.
A plague on this earth (ABC)
Krystal Nielson
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Fun Fact: Vocal Fry Extraordinaire aka The Villainess That Was
Oh, Krystal. Where do I begin. Krystal is at once the best and worst of the Bachelorverse, emerging as such a cartoonish figure that you kind of want to keep watching to see what happens, but also want to hurriedly grab a cross and some holy water because you know you’re gonna need to exorcise this demon ASAP. Her vocal fry is legendary, and within the first two minutes she’ll A) make your teeth shatter with the sheer force of it, and B) have already sunk her claws so deeply into some poor unsuspecting man that he’ll be ripped limb from limb. Krystal says if she had to be an animal she’d be a unicorn, because “those who believe in magic will find it,” but we all know it’s because she wants a horn to easily eviscerate men and her rivals. Can’t wait!
Sexiest Tarzan cosplayer ever (ABC)
Leo Dottavio
Season: Becca Kurfin
Fun Fact: Has the most luscious hair in the history of time
LEO. I love Leo. His hair is long, perfectly curled, and without a spot of frizz (even in the most tropical of locations) and he was sent home far too soon on Becca’s utter disaster of a season. His side-eye and biceps are legendary, and he once took a kickball rubber ball to the face for true love. Kinda freaking out about whatever brief clip of him battling it out with Grocery Joe ABC showed, however—Leo, I’m rooting so hard for you, DON’T FUCK THIS UP!
Of course he's wearing a gold chain (ABC)
Nick Spetsas
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: Leisure Suit Wearer!
The most interesting things about Nick ever is that he wears leisure suits and he was one of approximately 28 men to sling an Arie barb on the first episode of Becca’s season, and really, that’s it. He’s an attorney from (you guessed it) Florida that describes himself as a “weekend warrior that loves brunches, barbecues, and the beach.”
Who? Part Two (ABC)
Nysha Norris
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Fun Fact: I have absolutely no idea who this woman is
Literally no idea whatsoever.
Our newest pseudo villainness (ABC)
Tia Booth
Season: Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Fun Fact: Likely just took Colton's virginity
TIA IS BACK, BABY! I assume she’ll devour Colton’s face within the first five minutes, and there’s gonna be some awesome *~DRAMA~* around her and Becca, and they’re going to endlessly make puns about her stealing Colton’s virginity, and it’s just going to be perfect. Tia—aka Raven’s BFF from Weiner, AR (you really can’t make this shit up)—says she’d be a leopard because they’re “sly, quick, sassy, and beautiful,” and honestly, I have to agree. Tia managed to severely rattle Krystal; completely destroy Bekah M.; and turn Becca’s season of The Bachelorette completely into her own playground, and that’s exactly what I’m here for.
The love of my life (ABC)
Wills Reid
Season: Becca Kufrin
Fun Fact: SHOULD’VE BEEN THE NEXT BACHELOR UNLESS IT’S LEO THEN FINE
YOU KNOW WHERE I STAND.
Whatever (ABC)
Wells Adams
Season: JoJo Fletcher + Bachelor in Paradise 4
Fun Fact: Got really weird with scallops over the Scallop Fingers debacle
This is gonna be an unpopular statement, but I don’t particularly like Wells. I mean he’s okay and everything, and he seems sweet enough, but his “zany antics and commentary” on the craziness going on around him felt sooooo forced and were sooooo unfunny. There were like, puppets, and said scallops on fingers, and it was just too much. Plus, the Danielle M faux relationship felt so absurdly forced, I just…meh.
YAY (ABC)
Yuki
Season: The Bachelor Japan + The Bachelor Winter Games
Fun Fact: Cutest contestant to ever exist
I’m not really sure if Yuki speaks more than 5 words of English, but this tiny little ball of delight hails all the way from Japan and is really looking for true love. I just want to cuddle her and tell her everything’s going to be okay, and honestly, I have a feeling that several contestants will end up doing just that over the course of this season.
