Well, Bachelor Nation, it finally happened. Something so stupidly fucking ridiculous happened that I ended up simultaneously declaring myself #TeamNickViall and #TeamDeanieBabies. That’s right, two of the Bachelorverse’s biggest fuckbois just stood out as shining beacons of kindness and humanity, all because of one very stupid fuck: Leo! 

That's right, our resident asshole went on a psychotic spree, threatening Amanda Stanton with bullshit, and Tanner Tolbert and Nick Viall with, what he would love us to assume, is swift and brutal physical violence. 

Let me whet your palate with Leo’s absolute Twitter meltdown, which is the perfect amuse-bouche for this crapfest of an episode. The original tweets have, of course, been deleted because Leo is a little bitch, but The Betches are our lord and savior and saved those receipts. 

Here's a little taste:

I love the smell of napalm on my Twitter feed. 

Now, let’s get into just what set off Paradise’s resident Tarzan.

All Those Pretty (Gas)lights
We open in the same goddamn clusterfuck we ended the prior episode on: Leo attempting to gaslight the ever-loving-fuck out of Kendall. He’s whinging and shouting through crocodile tears about how SHE made HIM kiss Chelsea, and how HER DARING TO BE UPSET about this has RUINED HIS DAY, and how she’s SUCH A GOOD ACTRESS and how he HONESTLY DOESN’T KNOW HOW SHE’S SINGLE and honestly, the whole thing is just one gigantic after-school special on gaslighting. 

But leaving aside DRAMA for a moment for drama, we cut over to Jenna finally officially giving Benoit the boot, to which he’s suitably upset. He doesn’t like her assertion that the breakup is best for both of them, claiming that she doesn’t get to dictate what’s best for him, and while I really do get that, really, this is the best for all of them. I have mixed feelings on Jordan these days, but I get the sense that he and Jenna will weirdly, against all odds, inexplicably work.

 “Greatest night ever!” Jenna shouts sarcastically, drunk and emotional as she storms off into the night with a margarita in hand. #SpiritAnimal

Jordan swoops in to rescue our damsel in distress, riling himself up in the process. He’s determined to Put Benoit In His Place! no matter how silly he comes across, but hey, this is the guy that pranced around in gold shorty shorts without a trace of irony, so.

He has the silliest, least dramatic interaction with Benoit ever, because everyone in Paradise—Jordan included—knows that Benoit could whoop his ass no contest, but also wouldn’t because that would be kind of like beating a kindergartner. 

Colton, being Colton, appears at some point to try to keep riling Jordan up, giving us the glorious gem that is their weirdly heated conversation about…briefcases?

“What’s in my briefcase?” he demands of Colton. “PASSION!”

Colton, understandably, gives up fighting and curiously allows the conversation to continue, and the two end up agreeing that Jordan could totally rock a Louis briefcase, and honestly, it ended up being kind of adorable. 

Welcome to Paradise, where literally nothing makes sense.

Onward!

One Tequila, Two Tequila
Benoit, licking his wounds, mopes sadly on over to Chelsea to lament their singleness. 

“You’ve got to stay as sane as you can here,” she says sagely, looking as though she’s having an Annaliese-level flashback of all the fuckery that’s gone down this season. 

“Tequila helps,” she adds.

As we cut on the scene of our saddened singles, we screech right over to Annaliese, who’s so GODDAMN EXCITED to be at least momentarily attached to someone that she’s about to literally burst.

“Let’s see,” she says thoughtfully, “there are so many happy couples this week in Paradise. There’s...ME!!” She looks away dreamily for an extended time, and then remembers that there are indeed other couples and one other person involved in her own pairing. “And Kamil!” she adds diplomatically. 

One such couple is Eric and Angela, who are definitely NOT going to make it, given the hilarious amount of “omg we’re so happy and in such a great place and so exclusive and this is PERFECT!” that we’re treated to from Angela, which makes Eric receiving the date card and whisking her away for her very first Bachelorverse 1:1 date all the more deliciously terrible.

Speaking of delicious, this date is a palatefuck. They show up at a hotel and are greeted by a silent woman carrying a gigantic basket of rose petals. Wordlessly, the begins leading them to their room, tossing rose petals as she walks, while our intrepid couple try not to trip over her because she’s literally inching down the hallway.

I was kind of hoping this was going to turn into a Hostel-type date, but it’s the next best thing—they walk into a room that’s goddamn bursting with food and beverage. We’re talking the most GIGANTIC pile of charcuterie I’ve ever seen, more bread than Olive Garden’s Endless Breadsticks could ever hope to produce, a tower of champagne-filled glass, a hot tub filled with chilling champagne bottles, and, randomly, a golden toilet that Eric gets absurdly excited over.

The two change into robes and start feeding each other from the staggeringly large smorgasbord, and then…the doorbell chimes. I breathlessly hoped it was the Hostel twist again, but instead it was the fucking hugest TABLE of cheese I’ve ever seen. They laugh nervously, knowing what that’s going to do to their stomachs, and settle down to hesitantly dig in when…that’s right, the doorbell rings again! Revealing a gargantuan pile of desserts that would honestly feed like, everyone in the area around the resort they’re in that probably need the fucking food, but c’est la vie! Shit was getting real weird and heading into feeder territory, but our fearless duo kept pushing forward.

“Eric always treats me like a princess!” Angela exclaims happily, her imminent dumping doom glistening in the future.

I gotta say, she’s at least right in the moment. Eric seems like a smitten kitten that is indeed giving her the princess treatment. 

I never get the princess treatment. I get the Joan of Arc treatment—lots of fear, lots of anger for encroaching on “man territory,” lots of panic, lots of burning me at the stake, etc. A girl just can’t win these days.

“In life, you move with the cheese,” Eric says, breaking me from my reverie. “Because if you don’t move with the cheese, you won’t have no cheese.”

Brilliance at its best, people. 

Flirting with Disaster
Back on the beach there’s a distinct lack of cheese platters but plenty of fucking insanity to go around.

First up is the walking disaster that is Chris, who decides to treat Krystal to a romantic date by making her teach him a fucking yoga class. Cool!

“Krystal is the only girl I want in Paradise,” he says, the cameras cutting to a particularly nightmarish scene of them kissing and his tongue spilling out all over the goddamn place. 

The two most toxic people (minus, of course, Leo) sitting around doing awkward yoga and smirking while they discuss clearing your auras and being a good person is just too much to fucking take, so I got up to refill my wine glass and scream into the void for a bit.

I came back hoping I’d missed the worst of it, only to be greeted by the sight of Kendall KISSING FUCKING VENMO JOHN.

NO, KENDALL. BAD. 

Jesus fucking Christ, girl, get it together! 

She teared up immediately after, knowing full fucking well that she was on a desperate race to sabotage her relationship with Grocery Joe, and look, I get it. Sometimes you meet someone and you know “Oh, fuck, this is gonna be serious” and your brain freaks the fuck out and you do really stupid things to try to run away from the Very Good But Very Serious. We’ve all been there. We just need our heroines to keep it together here, because it’s literally all we’ve got.

Luckily Kendall goes right to Grocery Joe to tell him what happened, and to tell him she’s done fucking around—he’s the only grocer for her, and that’s just how she likes it.

“I wish people would stop making out with my girl,” he blushes, simultaneously bolstering and breaking hearts around the country.

One fire put out, the cameras now turn to the group of Single Bros who are desperately trying to finagle a rose out of Chelsea, the only single lady left in Paradise.

David, who appears to be entirely uninterested in sex or women and anything that’s not annoying Jordan (honestly, why is he even on this show?) does have a moment of sincerity, laying it out on the line for Chelsea—he hasn’t met anyone he’s vibed with, and he knows Chelsea hasn’t either, but they’re friends and care about each other’s happiness, and if she lets him stay maybe they’ll end up finding their people. She appreciates the sentiment, and then anxiously makes out with Benoit, Connor, and Venmo John to see what they bring to the table. 

The Rose Ceremony
Papa Chris Harrison gathers the lambs to their slaughter, announcing the cocktail party kickoff.

In swoops Leo, flicking his long curls casually over his shoulder, eyes smoldering with homicidal insanity. “I’d like to thank Kendall for such a great first date,” he begins, before promptly INSULTING HER AGGRESSIVELY AND COLORFULLY IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CAST, again claiming she’s fake and a liar and essentially the destruction of his fragile, fragile masculinity. 

Grocery Joe has HAD ENOUGH and takes off after Leo. Leo, the man who screams about being an alpha and beating up men to avoid school shootings (?) shows he’s clearly a big, scary, manly, punch-throwing alpha male by…flinging his girly drink at Grocery Joe and promptly being physically restrained by the crew.

A fitting ending to our puckered asshole of a villain. I’ve never seen such an insecure, terrified little bitch—honestly, he even makes Chris look quasi-normal (at least in the VERY heat of the moment) and that, my friends, is a fucking accomplishment. 

Kevin is just as incensed as me and my boyfriend Grocery Joe, yet calmly—with a voice of steel—says he’ll never respect or a allow a man like Leo to speak to a woman that way, ever. No matter what it takes.

Goddamn, have I become such a stan for Kevin over these last few episodes. Kevin for Bachelor 2019!

“Get out of here, Tarzan, we don’t need your drama,” Tia adds, and god, do I love that woman. She and Colton toast to that over a…gigantic pile of hotdogs, and honestly, what the fuck is this show. How did we just go from drink slinging and physical altercations (although let me remind you, once again, that Big Scary Alpha Male Leo never actually threw a single punch, but was instead physically restrained by the crew) to hotdog cheering with a 26-year-old virgin?

What a time to be alive.

The Rose Winners
Finally, it’s time to hand out the roses, and a bevy of Bachelorverse Bros live to see another week:

• Chris (via Krystal)

• Joe (via Kendall)

• Colton (via Tia)

• Jordan (via Jenna)

• Kevin (via Astrid)

• Kamil (via Annaliese)

• Eric (via Angela)

• John (via Chelsea)

The Rose Losers
Since Chelsea chose Venmo John, alas it means our charming Canadian Prince Benoit is sent packing, along with Connor of the Concerning Eye Spacing and Chicken David. Benoit is pretty upset and goes off to cry, and we all feel it with him. (Also, Venmo John is kind of a dick, so.)

Goodnight, sweet princes of Paradise.

But Wait, There’s More!
Ugh, god, I swear this show feels like it’s on for 15 hours straight.

That’s right, kiddos, the cameras go blessedly dark and then a bright light explodes, and we’re all so excited to be finally leaving this hellhole for heaven, but ALAS, we are in hell. The bright light, rather than being an end to this pain, is instead the break of day the following morning.

Our gaggle of contestants are mostly hung over, enjoying some hair of the dog after a long night of banging each other post-Rose Ceremony.

Except for Colton. None for you, Colton.

Jordan and Jenna are being hilariously cute in the pool, Jordan asking her if she “wants to trade sexy looks” (to which she giddily agrees), Grocery Joe and Kendall are finally enjoying at least a temporary reprieve from kissing other men, and Angela is cooing on and on about her relationship with Eric, which is stronger than ever after last night.

Cue: The arrival of Olivia and Cassandra, whoever the FUCK they are.

Apparently Olivia is from Nick’s season, and was fittingly cut on the very first fucking night. I do end up feeling bad for her, this random stranger I’ve never seen in my entire fucking life before, as she gets told by almost every single man in Paradise that she’s too late to the game.

Except for Venmo John! Who doesn’t even blink about Chelsea as they run off to THE WORST DATE OF ALL TIME. They go to a fucking quinceañera where they awkwardly stumble around under a tent, while an enormous gathering of family members stare feverishly at them from their tables.

Whatever.

New Lady #2, Cassandra, I should know, but have 0.0% recollection of. She was on Juan Pablo’s season and then was in Paradise on Season 2, and because she’s a goddamn disaster, is back for yet another good heartbreak. 

Now girl is good looking, don’t get me wrong, but the men seemingly lose their minds upon her arrival, issuing in a number of inappropriate breast comments and men generally being pigs. Not that this is surprising in the slightest, and I don’t know why I hold any hope for anything otherwise, but here we are.

As Angela is excitedly talking about how committed she and Eric are to each other, still dreamily reminiscing about enormous cheese platters, Cassandra swoops in and swiftly secures a 1:1 date with Eric. 

Because of fucking course.

Eric dances over to tell Angela he’s being spirited away on a date, and when she’s like “wtf” he promptly tells her that he changed his mind about her this morning, even after being completely smitten with her yesterday, and that he’s no longer feeling the same way and is perfectly justified in going off with Cassandra.

Ladies and gentlemen, MEN! 

Watching Eric attempt to justify his pure fuckery is painful—not just because it’s tacky and shitty AF, but because Eric seemed to be one of the genuinely good guys in Paradise. It’s so fucking disappointing, but again, are we really surprised?

Coming Up Next Week
Babies! Man tears! Sobbing! Witchcraft! Russian witch hunts that for once don’t involve Trump! The humanity!

Until next week!