Watching this show after the utter nightmare that was the last Bachelor in Paradise episode is like getting stabbed in the face and then having someone with an infectious disease spit in the wound.

“Why do I do this to myself?” I lament, blood pressure skyrocketing, as I pour myself my 7th glass of wine of the night. The answer is because I’m apparently way fucking stupider than I ever thought.

Speaking of things that are fucking stupid, let’s meet tonight’s Mystery Woman! Our blob of the week is Amber Green, a 29yo mother of two from Austin who cheerfully admits to friend-zoning her now-ex-husband, declares that she “truly deserves” this, and promptly squeals that her ideal man is a mixture of “Mr. Rogers and Christian Grey.”

Let’s meet the 9 fucking losers competing for that unfortunate title! And yeah, that’s 9, because this show is so fucking awful they can’t even get 10 contestants to fill all the open slots. Yay!

THE CONTESTANTS

• Johnny (28): a Pisces and personal trainer from Newport Beach that loves ice cream and superheroes

• Shane (26): a financial analyst whose favorite foods are french fries and pizza, and favorite mealtime is brunch

• Gray (29): a recruiter from NC who loves quiet evenings at home and sensual dancing

• John (35): a sports broadcaster and former competitive swim champion whose fave stroke is, of fucking course, the breast stroke

• Scott (27): an event coordinator and former frat boy that loves hip hop and basketball

• Shad (30): a man-bunned solar energy specialist that can balance a skateboard on his chin while juggling

• Ephesian (28): a sales rep from Haiti whose blood is “flowing in his veins”

• Bryan (30): an “oil tycoon” that’s looking to find a “real woman”

• Kevin (29): a “business manager” that loves motorcycles and tattoos, and has an Instagram account dedicated solely to tacos

Mystery Only-Named-After-Colors Woman says she’s “shaking” in the pod, and we all totally get it.

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Scott the Hip Hopping Basketball Star (27) and Kevin the Taco Photographer (29) are brutally told adios, leaving:

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30)

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28)

• Gray the Sensual Dancer (29)

• Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30)

• Shane the Brunch Buff (26)

• Ephesian the Vein Haver (28)

• John the Breast Man (25)

Jesse Palmer escapes from his cage long enough to scream “Now they’re about to bare their souls and bodies!” before being forced bodily back in. 

BIKINI ROUND

• Shane the Brunch Buff (26) skitters out to say his parents have been married for 50 fucking years, but then does mention that his mom, who battled stage 4 breast cancer, is his everything
  

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28) flexes out to announce that he was on Tinder for only a month before being catfished and was cheated on by his last GF, and then Jesse Palmer swoops in to show a picture of him literally puking outside the show and something about him losing his girlfriend
  

• Gray the Sensual Dancer (29) swings his pelvis out to a voiceover saying that he went from dud to stud after hitting the gym, then went on a dating spree after becoming a bonafide “ladies’ man” but now that he knows what weights can do, he’s ready to show what his heart can do
  

• John the Breast Man (25) almost drowns as he comes out in WAY TOO SMALL swim bottoms and goggles, and says he self-identifies as “a dolphin”
  

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30) slides out to say that he was a wise guy growing up, but then does drop that he lost his mom at 25 and it taught him that family and love are what’s important
  

• Ephesian the Vein Haver (28) comes out kicking to a voiceover calling him a “spiritual soccer-lover” and self-proclaimed mama’s boy that has NO deal-breakers (god bless him) but does give a nice shoutout to his parents who adopted him at 16
  

• Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30) bursts out to say he’s been cheated on, lied to, and dated women who cared more about selfies than themselves. He then says he feels like he’s “supposed to be here” and has lived a #blessed life

“So I promised my daughter I wouldn’t cuss when I came on the show, but this is *&$&^# hard!” Amber says, giggling insanely. “I have never been in a room with such good looking, smart men!” she adds, lying through her fucking teeth. 

Who will she put out of their misery? Let’s see.

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Shane the Brunch Buff (26), John the Breast Man (25), and Ephesian the Vein Haver (28) are left to bleed out, leaving:

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28)

• Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30)

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30)

• Gray the Sensual Dancer (29)

DEALBREAKER QUESTION ROUND
Now it’s time for the Dealbreaker Question Round, my favorite round ever—and Jesse Palmer’s, as he excitedly sprints on stage to breathlessly announce that the questions can “be about religion, politics, past relationships, even SEXXXXX!”

• Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30) gets So there’s something incredibly im-port-tant about me that I need you all to know; I do have two incredible, amazing children that are the light of my life and I want to know how you feel about being with somebody that DOES have two kids already? Jesus, this woman emphasizes words so obnoxiously. “That’s a great question,” he hems and haws. “Um, I have an older sister and I was raised by a single mother, and the biggest blessing in my entire life is my stepdad, he taught me to be man.”
  

• Gray the Sensual Dancer (29) gets Gray, I would like to know how spirituality plays a role in your life, if any role at all? “Okay, that’s a great question. I grew up in a church in a military background, my family is marines, so rules and structure, but dad wanted to keep us grounded, so went to church almost every Sunday, part of an embracing something,” he babbles crazily.
  

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30) gets I was in a 7-year relationship and things can grow stale in the bedroom, how will you keep things fresh. “Ahhh I like that, I like that,” he says, doing his best Matthew McConaughey impression. “I like to keep things fun and exciting, I’d introduce maybe some…new things, likes to try new things, maybe some role playing, maybe some fun stuff like that, not picky, embrace anything, I’m an open guy, I’m open for you,” he adds, disgusting us all, as Amber giggles incessantly.
  

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28) gets Johnny you said that you lost the love of your life, can you explain a little bit more about that and how that could effect our relationship? “The fact that I never gave up is plain and simple; I may have lost her but it didn’t paralyze me in anyway. My parents have been married for over 31 years, and my pastor for 45 years, and that shows the world what true love is all about.” Since that made absolutely no sense, Jesse Palmer asks him to clarify, and Johnny adds that HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND DIED AFTER DRVING DRUNK AND BEING EJECTED FROM THE CAR WTF

Jesus, I need a minute. 

Okay, I’m good.

Okay, no, I'm not, but fuck it, let's see which idiot is sent packing.

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Goodbye to Gray the Sensual Dancer (29), the only black man left! This leaves:

• Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30)

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30)

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28)

Someone is SCREAMING for Johnny in the damn crowd, while Jesse fights over the noise to tell Gray that there’s “nothing to be ashamed of” for getting booted off this fucking disaster.

I fucking hate this show.

FAMILY QUESTION ROUND
Amber’s best friend Danielle—who’s going for Sad Accountant Chic in black office flood pants and a cut-out long-sleeve top with awkward glitter patches—is dragged on stage to destroy her self-esteem and self-worth. 

“We already heard about Bryan’s response to kids, so I want to hear it from the other two,” she says rigidly.

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28) babbles about an aunt (maybe his aunt? Maybe his sister being an aunt? What?) taking care of kids by herself, and how he was like their father, and helped teach his nephew or “the” nephew to kiss a girl???
  

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30) gives Amber props for raising two kids on her own, and goes on and on about how family is so important
  

• Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30) gets You know that movie, There’s Something themselves Mary? My friend is Mary and guys are always throwing themselves at her; I want to know, what makes you special and stand out from the crowd? “I don’t play the jealousy card, I just work on love and trust,” he says coldly, sounding like a super fucking asshole.

Which idiots stay, and which idiot goes?

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Bryan the Oil Tycoon (30) doesn’t strike gold and is thrown off the rig, leaving:

• Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28)

• Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30)

Now it’s time to open the pod! Amber is surprisingly QT and unsurprisingly kinda dull and vapid. Yay!

Now it’s time for one brutal elimination and one ill-advised proposal!

ELIMINATION ROUND 5
Shad the Skateboard Balancer (30) goes first, saying something about love. I was so fucking bored that I went on Instagram and judged my ex for looking kinda fat in a video instead of watching. 

Johnny the Superhero Enthusiast (28) goes next and she literally just makes out with him and accepts his proposal, which was so fast and so confusing that both Shad and Jesse Palmer stood there and looked super confused for like 30 seconds straight. The crowd literally begins chanting Johnny’s name, and I realize I’ve gone through all the circles of hell and am now officially doomed forever. 

Oh, and they've already broken up. YAY.

Until next week! God help us all.