Welcome to the latest episode of Bachelor in Paradise, where everything is a fucking abomination. 

If I had to pick a theme for this episode of Bachelor in Paradise it would be “Men are Fucking Toxic and Everything is Terrible” which is fitting, because if I had to pick a theme for this season of Bachelor in Paradise it would be “Men are Fucking Toxic and Everything is Terrible” which is also also fitting, because if I had to pick a theme for this entire year of Bachelorvese shows it would be “Men are Fucking Toxic and Everything is Terrible.”

This episode we’re beaten over the fucking head with it with the arrival of Connor and Kamil, any and all appearances by Chris, Jordan’s incessant whinging and low-level xenophobia, and Leo losing his ever-loving goddamn mind.

Let’s dive in!

The Boys are Back in Town
Apparently we’re just bringing the entire cast of Becca’s season onto the show, because we can’t let sleeping rabid dogs lie. 

Connor, whose eyes are closer together than grapes literally clustered right on top of each other, swaggers into Paradise as suavely as a man that can’t see properly does. 

Remember that time that Connor flipped the fuck out over Lincoln's picture and hurled the glass frame off the balcony, where it shattered everywhere and then fell in the pool? That was cool. 

Anyway, because the men are SO fucking toxic this season, any glimpse of new flesh is immediately pounced upon, and Connor enjoys the one time in his life that women will throw themselves at him.

Namely Krystal, who at least shows better judgment here than she did with Chris. Who of course she’s still sucking plenty of face with, but whatever. 

Krystal assures Chris that she’s all in with him and told Connor she’s not gonna go on the 1:1 date with him, and then promptly agrees to go on the 1:1 date with him.

“Byyyyyyyyeeeeee,” she vocal fries to Chris as she sashays away, and honestly, this is the ONLY time that horrific voice of hers hasn’t made me absolutely homicidal. 

Chris, because he’s a controlling, narcissistic, aggressive, emotionally abusive, goose-monikered asshole, of courses loses his goddamn mind when Connor dares to infringe on his “relationship” with Krystal.

“Commitment is not a game!” insists the guy that a week ago told both Tia and Krystal he’s only dating them, used aggressive gaslighting tactics on both of them, threw Tia under the bus and tried to fuck with her head, lied outright to both of them, and has spent the remaining time manipulating Krystal like crazy.

He also says "expecially" instead of “especially” and honestly, I don’t know why we haven’t sent him on the very first Space Force mission to catapult him off this planet for fucking ever. 

Grocery Joe and Kendall are the couple we want to deserve. Chris and Krystal are the couple we actually deserve.

Elsewhere in crazy land, Jordan is licking his wounds and sulkingly muttering vaguely xenophobic slurs about Canadians because Benoit is currently playing frisbee with Jenna.

“What’s the greater power here? I don’t have to say it,” says the man currently saying it. “I am.”

Classic Jordan. 

Welcome to the Jungle
Up next is the utter disaster that is Connor and Krystal’s 1:1 date, layered beautifully over scenes of Chris freaking the fuck out that the woman he sees solely as a possession and his claim to limited fame is canoodling with another dude.

The two scamper off to…a mystic moment or what the fuck ever in the middle of the jungle, in which they meet someone holding some kind of ceremony in the woods, are slapped with palm fronds across the face, and sweat profusely in front of a fire. Krystal coos incessantly over the “mysticism” of it all, Connor struggles not to look himself in the eye, and all of Bachelor Nation laments the fact that our mystic guru is not, in fact, Jorge. 

#BringBackJorge

“No habla Ingles!” Connor happily says to the Mexican man currently performing the ceremony, because he’s dumb as a fucking rock.

The two then somehow end up on a beach somewhere, where Krystal exclaims “I feel incredibly close to Connor!” This is appropriate because it’s just an endless scene of them sucking face and awkwardly clinging to each other in the ocean that miraculously emerged in the middle of the jungle.

Back at basecamp, the men are more than making up for the fact that they’re not deep in the jungle by reverting to nothing more than animals.

Okay fine, Jordan is like Animal Lite right now, but he may as well be beating on his own chest as he tries, awkwardly, to steal Jenna back from Benoit. 

His Canadian insults aside, he’s actually quite cute as he fangirls over Jenna’s giggles and hand movements and little noises. Like Jordan is problematic, but when Chris and Leo are running around, they can make anyone look better.

“Sometimes I think there’s love at sight,” Jordan says stupidly, mixing up his phrases yet again, but by golly if he doesn’t look like he’s about to burst with whatever his Malibu Ken Doll version of love is for Jenna. 

He finally grabs Jenna and pours his heart out to her, and it actually looks like Jenna is going to ditch Benoit. She looks genuinely touched by Jordan’s declarations and says she needs to go talk to Benoit and tell him what’s what, buuuuuuut then goes to talk to him and just ends up making out with him. Oops.

Jordan is devastated, barely managing to spit out “Because words are not meaning! Words and actions are not meaning!” whatever the fuck that means.

Shifting now into Steroid-Laden Animal comes everyone’s now-least-favorite romance novel cover model, Leo! If there’s one thing Paradise has taught us this season, it’s that Leo duped us all hardcore on The Bachelorette and is actually an aggressive, gaslighting, nasty, spiteful set of bitch tits that needs to get the fuck out of Paradise and the fuck off my television screen, pronto.

We finally see Kendall being told about Leo’s makeout sesh with Chelsea—

(Reminder: Leo swore up and down to Kendall that he was absolutely all in with her, that he wanted to be with her and only her for the entire duration of the season, that they were exclusive, and then promptly ran to Chelsea to tell her he wasn’t dating anyone, that he had nothing with Kendall, ask her if she was naked under her outfit, and then makeout with her in a hot tub)

—by Kevin, who gained lots of points with me for genuinely wanting Kendall to know what a fucking asshole Leo was, so as not to get completely crushed or humiliated. 

Cue: the horror, the horror.

Word gets out that Kendall heard about the Chelsea Interlude, and Leo loses. his. goddamn. ever-loving. fucking. mind. He starts screaming about someone snitching on him, and how horrific it is for someone to have told Kendall about the fact that he sucked face with Chelsea right after all the bullshit he told Kendall, and you’d have thought someone murdered his entire family.

To recap: Leo just had the FUCKING AUDACITY to get pissed about someone “SNITCHING ON HIM” FOR PLAYING KENDALL AND CHELSEA, rather than feeling bad about PLAYING KENDALL AND CHELSEA.

Ladies and gentlemen, narcissism and toxic masculinity at their fucking finest. 

But oh, it gets worse. It gets so much worse.

Leo is still legit screaming about the torrid tattling, shouting “It wasn’t really making out with Chelsea, it was more like a peck!”

Okay bitch, 

1. You kissed another woman after manipulating the fuck out of both of them, and

2. You full-on made the fuck out, fuck you

He continues, loudly ranting “Kendall and I have an amazing connection but now it’s RUINED because someone SNITCHED!” 

Bitch, are you fucking kidding me? I had to stop drinking for a few minutes and rub my eyes, because I wasn’t sure if I was watching Leo or Chris pull all this bullshit, because these gaslighting assholes are two peas in a fucking abusive pod.

I also had to legit wonder if Leo was having a nervous breakdown. I know I’m prone to hyperbole, but Leo was seriously losing it. Screaming, shouting, freaking the fuck out, the whole nine yards. It was actually super unnerving, and I was really glad he didn’t start throwing punches. (Yet.)

“A snitch needs to be put in his place,” Leo threatens, stalking around the bar area like a fucking psychopath. 

Let me correct that for you, bro: “A gaslighting, lying, cheating, aggressive fucking asshole needs to be put in his place, LEO.” There you go.

Kevin, watching this fucking insanity go down and wanting to attempt to put a stop to it, (rather bravely, might I say) goes to talk to Leo and tell him what happened. He says he’d heard about the Chelsea spit-swap sesh from multiple people, and genuinely thought Kendall knew. I was surprised Leo didn’t literally rip his face off right then and there.

Leo lies through his fucking teeth, whining about how he was going to tell Kendall all about kissing Chelsea, which ranks up there on the believability scale somewhere around Trump actually admitting that he fathered that child with his housekeeper and actually taking financial and familial responsibility for it.

He finally ends up talking to Kendall, where he unleashes the single most fucking disgusting, vile, and gaslighting diatribe I’ve ever seen. He literally BLAMES KENDALL FOR HIM KISSING CHELSEA. Fully ranting again, he freaks the fuck out, saying Kendall RUINED HIS DAY BY THIS COMING OUT AND HER BEING UPSET BY IT. He blames her for EVERYTHING telling her she’s a PHENOMENAL ACTRESS THAT FOOLED HIM (????????) and ripping her to sheds FOR NO FUCKING REASON OTHER THAN HIS FRAGILE MASCULINITY IS THREATENED SO THIS LITTLE BITCH IS GOING TO LASH OUT THE ONLY WAY HE CAN.

Leo: Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You. Spineless. Pathetic. Fuck.

If you’ve heard the term “gaslighting” and not understood what it was or looked like, simply watch this scene once and you’ll MORE than get it.

Kendall, who shows a spine of steel, refuses to let Leo lie and bullshit and steamroll her, calling him out for his fucking AWFULNESS and refusing to take the blame for any of his fucking bullshit. 

I was honestly so angry I wanted to pick up my TV, fly across the country with it, find Leo, and smash him over the face with it.

But Hold On, Better Days Are Coming
Okay no, they’re really not, but at least there were a few other pseudo nice and satisfying things that happened at the end of the episode to sort of kind of maybe distract from the fact that Leo is a Fucking Monster.

First up was Annaliese, who we thought was totally going home because she was going all in with Kenny to find love (and immunity) but Kenny claimed he needed to be home for his daughter’s dance recital (??) and had to leave Paradise (????). 

Okay look, I know Kenny has a daughter and that he loves her, but that’s a huge fucking lie and we all know it. Kenny knew the exact dates he had to be in Paradise, and damn, was that an excuse if I ever saw one. 

But whatever, because Kamil—yeah, that dude who was kinda misogynistic to Becca during The Bachelorette and proved he had the IQ of a stump by calling himself a “Social Media Participant” (not even a “Social Media Influencer” for fuck’s sake)—has arrived in Paradise!

WAIT, QUICK ASIDE: In the Most Rushed Scene of All Time, ABC basically vomits out the fact that oh, John said he only likes Jubilee as a friend (cut to an incredibly short scene of him basically saying the word "friend") and that Jubes decided to go home (cut to an incredibly short scene of literally just her back flashing on screen with a suitcase behind her) AND THAT'S IT.

Okay, moving on.

Annaliese promptly loses her mind, going on and on about how much she likes him and wants the date, despite questioning whether his name is pronounced “Ka-meal” or “Ka-mill” or whatever. God, I love this crazy woman.

The other women throw themselves at him because most of the other men in Paradise are legit FUCKING NIGHTMARES and while I can’t stand Kamil, he does pick Annaliese for the 1:1 and this girl needs SOME iota of happiness in her life before she goes and drowns herself in the ocean, so.

The two go cliff diving and almost die four-wheeling over some insane bridge, and Annaliese gushes about how they’re “in such a good place!” and how they’re “one of the strongest couples here!” despite just meeting him like an hour ago, but again, whatever! 

Back on the beach, Kevin seems to undo all of the points he’s gained by sensing that maybe Chelsea would be interested in him (after she’s feeling really down about being rejected by Kamil and seeing the bevy of fucking losers left to choose from) and promptly runs off to Astrid to tell her he doesn’t really want to be exclusive. After just asking her to be exclusive.

Astrid, accordingly, is PISSED and excuses herself. Kevin seems to suddenly regain his brain and runs off to talk to her, telling her that he’s terrified of being rejected again after not finding love during The Bachelorette (he won the first season of the Canadian version, and then was dumped) and Winter Games (he dated Ashley Iaconetti for awhile and seemed really into her, but she left him for Jared, and they’re totally going to get engaged right in front of Kevin shortly in Paradise SO).

He says this franchise has pushed him into twice-a-week therapy, and I really feel for him. But also wonder why the fuck he’s here. Damn, do I have WAY more in common with Kevin than I realized?

Up Next Episode
Maybe the Leo and Grocery Joe Showdown of 2018 will happen, maybe it won’t, because they keep teasing it in the “next week!” clip but it’s been like 3838434 weeks since they started doing that, so whatever. 

Also, maybe Ashley and Jared get engaged? I don’t fucking know. I don’t fucking know anything anymore.

Until next episode!