There’s a lot of stupid shit in the Bachelorverse—dates where contestants have to dance to shitty country music nobodies while in a crowd of strangers, hot tubs inexplicably placed in deserts and forests, makeout sessions on top of tractors, Chris Randone—but for once we opened with one of those stupid cliches and I have to admit, we fucking needed it.

That’s right, we opened with Krystal leading a sage ceremony, and if we ignore the staggering irony of Krystal of all people being the one to cleanse fucking anything, I think it was the right move.

Not that it works, because this episode was a FUCKING DISASTER, but hey, it could’ve been much worse if they hadn’t purged the demons of Monday night’s debacles.

Let’s dive in.

Hurricane Leo
Yes, yes, we all saw the previews and we know that Paradise is turning into Hairidise, but let’s back up a few minutes before all hell broke loose.

First we zoom in on Wells—who is blessedly far less annoying this season than last season—who’s enjoying a quiet, early morning chat with Colton about last night’s insanity. “Jordan murdered a dog in cold blood in front of everyone,” he clarifies sadly.

RIP, Brownie, we hardly knew ye.

He then explains to a perplexed Yuki what happened, and in describing David’s part, refers to him as “Pollo” to Yuki’s utter delight. God bless these two.

But of course nothing good can last in the Bachelorverse, as evidenced by the slow-but-steady buildup of—wait for it—rattlesnake rattling that marks the arrival of a new man in Paradise.

That’s right, ladies and gentleman, Leo with the Good Hair is back! Now the bros seemed to like him on the Bachelorette, but now they’re all acting like he’s some kind of Pheromone-Dripping Extreme Alpha Male (TM), one that should be kept at bay with a 100000-foot pole. 

Look, Leo is manly and all, there’s no denying that, but he only looks like a God Among Men because most of the men in Paradise are spineless, whiny shitbags without an iota of self-confidence.

Speaking of spineless, whiny shitbags without an iota of self-confidence, we cut to a scene of Chris holding court with Jordan (ugh) and Grocery Joe (oh no bb, what is you doing??) poolside. Chris is telling Jordan he supports the waterboarding of Brownie (because of fucking course) and telling Grocery Joe that he has no reason to worry about Leo swooping in to steal Kendall away from him. 

Jordan blathers on about dirty laundry, although it’s actually quite a fitting analogy. You know, sometimes I can’t tell if Jordan is actually smart, or if he just has enormous luck with his free association babbling somehow coalescing into surprisingly accurate insights.

On the other side of the beach, Leo pingpongs around to a voiceover explaining how much he likes blonds, which is evidenced by him bouncing between Jenna, Krystal, Chelsea, and…oh no.

As the cameras ricochet between the pool-side boys and the beachside bonanza, Grocery Joe frets about losing Kendall, while Leo goes in for the kill.

I know this is Paradise, and the entire plot is a fucking joke, and Kendall is Kendall, and she loves taxidermy and wants to be a bat and grills people on cemeteries upon meeting them, BUT. Kendall and Grocery Joe seemed to genuinely really like each other, and to show that maybe—just maybe—this entire franchise wasn’t a complete lost cause. 

But alas, it all falls apart as Leo asks Kendall on the date, and she immediately agrees.

COME FUCKING ON, KENDALL!

Grocery Joe is clearly hurt and really sad, and Kendall just tries to brush it all off. It’s like the girl took a hit of something strong, because no fucks were given in the slightest.

“I hope you have a terrible time,” Grocery Joe says, only partially kidding, unable to make eye contact. 

I have dated so many meatheads, assholes, narcissists, little bitches, and dickwads--if I had a Grocery Joe I would never let him go. You hear me? You would have to pry him from my cold. dead. hands.

Kendall and Leo hold hands and giggle as they run off down the beach, and honestly, it’s just so fucking cringeworthy. This whole 

Grocery Joe/Kendall/Leo love triangle is like when the nerdy girl is with her super sweet, super in love high school boyfriend, and then the leather jacket-clad college guy swoops in to steal her for the summer before dropping her ass.

Welcome to the Black Parade
Just when we think things can’t get worse, they fucking do. The Producers try to lull us into false sense of security by bringing out Jorge (JORGE!!!!!) to lead Kendall and Leo in a hilarious photoshoot date in which they pose for the cover of a romance novel that features several love triangles. Mmmmm, meta.

BUT OF COURSE this is promptly fucking ruined by the appearance of WHO THE FUCK ELSE but Arie and Lauren, who enact out this forbidden love affair with Ben fucking Higgins and Amanda fucking Stanton. In the worst dose of judgment in the entire world, the Producers have Lauren be the one on the outskirts of the love triangle, and she gets to slap Amanda in the face for kissing Arie, although I can only assume she’s trying desperately to save Amanda from Arie’s toxic spit, because no one in this cold, cruel world will help her.

Thank fucking god, this only goes on for a few minutes (even if it feels like a lifetime) and then those idiots are blessedly offscreen, at least just for the remainder of this episode. 

We then cut back to the Goose Gang and Grocery Joe. Jordan, being the inexplicable nutbag we both love and loathe, shows that He Cares by supporting Grocery Joe’s love life. “I’m not being delicious here,” he insists, “I’m hydrated, I’m well fed. Grocery Joe deserves true love!”

I hate Kendall.

(I realize this is quasi irrational, but fuck it.)

During all of this, Leo is earnestly insisting that he’s all about Kendall, saying “I could date just Kendall this entire time. We have something real—I just want to be with her,” which is fucking hilarious because:

1. You just showed the fuck up and you’ve known her for like 2 seconds, and

2. You’re full of shit, Leo

We cut back to Grocery Joe sadly saying, “I would hate to have Kendall choose Leo over me,” just in time for Kendall to show up and LITERALLY GUSH ABOUT HER DATE WITH LEO TO GROCERY JOE.

She then has the AUDACITY to try to justify this bullshit by claiming Grocery Joe isn’t “opening himself up to other things,” which is RICH given that she was 100% in with him and only him until Leo showed up and she wanted to suddenly buck love and get buck wild instead. Girl, don’t take a page out of Chris’ book, you’re not helping anyone.

Grocery Joe gives glorious (if devastated) side eye, and we all collectively die a little inside with him. 

The Gaslight Anthem
Remember how Leo was JUST gushing about how much he wanted to be with Kendall and only Kendall? How they had something real? How he was all in?

LOL GUYS did you really fall for that shit?? Remember, since Arie’s season the overarching theme has been “Men Are The Fucking Worst,” and now is no different.

Leo LITERALLY turns around and starts macking on other women the second he gets back from his date with Kendall, LEGIT running off with Chelsea to ask her if she’s naked under her matching set outfit, tell her "I like Kendall. I’m in like with Kendall.” (Side note: Fuck you, Leo.) “But it doesn’t mean there’s not a lot more out there, and that I can’t have fun,” and then promptly make out with her. 

If you're playing the Drink Every Time a Guy Gaslights Multiple Women and Promises to Just Be With One of Them Then Runs Off to Makeout with Someone Else and Tell Her He's Not Dating Anyone, then you've died of alcohol poisoning, RIP. 

Welcome to modern dating, folks, courtesy of the Bachelorverse and Tinder. We’re all so fucking screwed.

Let’s do a quick recap of the bros in Paradise, just to remind ourselves of where we stand:

• Chris: Sociopath

• Jordan: Asshole

• David: Asshole

• Leo: Asshole

• John: Asshole

• Kenny: Player

• Nick: Dumb AF

• Kevin: Canadian

• Colton: Cry Baby

• Wills: Eliminated

• Eric: Never Shown

Cool.

We then cut to a scene of Leo TELLING KENDALL HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER, and then I blacked out for a few seconds, likely due to my rage and being a bottle of wine deep already.

Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore” 
Luckily we get away from Leo and his hair and gaslighting tendencies for awhile, because it’s Date Card time, and guess who gets it?? That’s right, it’s—

Oh. Colton. Ugh.

So Colton whisks Tia off on a date and we get to want to kill ourselves for awhile while they dance in a town square and what the fuck ever. Just when we’re all about to die of extreme boredom, who comes cavorting around the corner to join #Tolton—is that fucking Jorge up there on the stage??—but Raven and that guy that had a creepy doll version of himself!! 

That’s right, everyone’s favorite No Orgasm Haver and former Paradise It Girl is back!! 

“I’m back in Paradise,” she needlessly points out, “where I had my first orgasm!”

Okay:

1. Hahahaha, fuck Nick, and

I love me some Raven, even if she immediately swoops in to badger Tia incessantly on whether or not Colton is In It For The Right Reasons. 

UGHHH PLEASE GOD, NO. JUST LET THIS END.

Again, I’m still super confused about the deep amount of hate thrown at Colton this season. Like yeah, the dude’s a fucking crybaby with some deep-seeded issues, but like, he’s fairly harmless. I spend 99.99999% of my time blogging about the Bachelorverse pointing out all the horrifically damaging and abusive behavior the men show, but Colton just isn’t there.

Remember: 

• He met Tia when he’d already applied to be on The Bachelorette and was waiting to hear back about where it would go

• They dated briefly

• He got the head’s up that he was in for the show

• He told Tia, and asked her what he should do, because while he’s a dope, he didn’t want to hurt Tia OR Becca

• Tia gave him her blessing to go on the show

• The broke up at that time so as to not hurt anyone

• Colton goes on the The Bachelorette and starts falling for Becca

• Tia makes a guest appearance on The Bachelorette and strongly claims that she’s over Colton and that their time together wasn’t anything serious

• In the last stretch of The Bachelorette, Tia swoops in to say she was wrong, she actually really likes Colton and wants to be with him (or at least have that option)

• Becca does massively take this into account, and it’s a big part of the reason she ultimately sends Colton home that episode

Now, I don’t blame Tia—yeah, she could’ve done that a lot better, and yeah, a SHIT TON OF IT was probably cooked up by the Producers, but let’s be real: this isn’t Colton running around playing the two women and being an asshole (see: Leo, Kenny, Venmo John, Chris, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.), this was a sea of poor timing.

Anyway, finally moving the fuck on.

I was afraid Tia was going to cave and we were going to have yet another pointless fucking pseudo breakup, but luckily she ended up talking Raven off the edge, telling her that she wasn’t making a bad decision this time (ehhhhh, maybe not in the way she intends, but) and that Colton was a good guy.

Raven seems to believe and support her BFF, but, given Girl Code, adds, “If Colton hurts you I’m gonna cut his penis off, and then he’ll never lose that virginity.”

Fuck, I love and miss Raven. 

She and that Dude That Had a Doll Version of Himself scamper off as quickly as they’d arrived, leaving Tia and Colton to awkwardly ask each other to be boyfriend and girlfriend, because apparently they’re in the third grade, and then there’s lots of tears, and whatever. 

Benoit, Ooh La La
Back on the beach, we tune in to Jenna, who’s sadly asking the cameras “Who do I trust to, like, protect my heart forever?”

Easy there, the answer is “No man in Paradise, ever,” but at least this little segue does open up Jenna to more time with someone that blessedly isn’t Jordan, so we’ll take it.

That’s right, everyone’s favorite French Canadian, Benoît Beauséjour-Savard, is back in the Bachelorverse to have his heart brutally ripped out a third time! 

I think Benoit is a bit of a stale baguette, honestly, but he’s so much sweeter and saner than Jordan, so get it, Jenna. This is really hammered home by his sweet conversation with you, while Jordan goes off the fucking deep end.

“Why is everyone here giving me a hard time? I’m SUCH a nice guy!” he shrieks, off in the distance. 

Legit question: Is there an Asshole Guy Manifesto? Is it in their DNA? How do they all know to declare themselves a "Good Guy" all. the. fucking. time??

The women of Paradise are seem excited for Benoit’s arrival, likely because they’re lamenting the horrific state of American men, and hoping that Benoit (even though he’s Canadian, not French) is European enough to be the gentleman they deserve.

Luckily, Astrid—who I’ve really come to like—keeps it real. 

Tia: "Benoit seemed like a good guy in Winter Games."

Astrid: "They all seem like good guys until they're not. That's the problem, that's why we're all in Paradise."

PREACH IT, ASTRID.

There’s an absolutely adorable scene of Yuki getting SO EXCITED to see Benoit, that for a brief, shining moment I’m sure there’s the hope for good in this universe.

This is promptly ruined by the cameras cutting to Chris and Jordan. 

“I’ve got all my goose eggs in the Krystal basket,” Chris says desperately, fearful of being shipped home to a world that doesn’t champion his fucking awfulness. 

Jordan, not listening to a word Chris says, is full-on panicking about Benoit while AVIDLY claiming he’s doing anything but. 

Jordan: "I'm not going to sit here and think that Benoit is a threat to me"

Also Jordan: *sits here and thinks that Benoit is a threat to him*

“Benoit isn’t a guy that would come up to me in the real world and take my girl, he's can only do this because we're in Paradise!” he squawks, before rolling out a litany of xenophobic bullshit ripping Benoit apart for being French-ish.

ABC, please, for the love of fucking god, stop showing Chris and Jordan on camera. No one gives a fuck about them anymore, their heyday has come and gone. Stop perpetuating this bullshit.

Coming Up Next Week
Leo with the Good Hair rapidly becomes Leo with the Bad Attitude as he battles it out with Grocery Joe. There’s drinks thrown at each other! There are Producers bodily separating people! There are blond women reduced to nothing more than empty blond-haired vessels! Hooray

Until next week!