Just when you think The Proposal can’t possibly get any worse, they skipped scraping the bottom of the barrel and went right into scraping the bottom of the fucking port-a-potty shithole, proving that there is no limit to the horrifying humiliation they’re willing to endure.

That’s right, tonight’s Mystery Suitor was A FUCKING CONTESTANT FROM A FEW WEEKS AGO. And not only that, but Mystery Suitor is Michael Fucking Neely, who was on LaToya’s episode. He’s a 28yo goddamn package delivery manager, and he introduced himself by promptly listing out all the ways he hasn’t had luck in dating. 

While this show is fucking hell, at least the prior episodes’ contestants fought to steal the money of movie stars, high-profile plastic surgeons, successful attorneys, and the like; this week’s parade of desperate losers only got marched in to compete for some dude that unironically shows up at your door and asks if he can give you his package. 

Fuck this shit, and fuck this show.

Let’s get this nightmare over with and meet our stupid contestants.

THE CONTESTANTS

• Jamie (25): a snowboarder that loves partying, hot chocolate and laughing at things

• Michelle (33): a champion figure skater (sure) that named her cat after herself

• Toya (33): an account manager that likes prayers and boats

• Jasmyn (29): a teacher who loves cats and ice cream despite being lactose intolerant!!!

• Heather (36): a beauty queen (sure) who likes floppy hats and fire

• Casandra (23): a sales rep who says her party days are over, but that she goes out every single weekend and loves attention

• Ashley H (27): a teacher that loves bright colors, makeup, and the sky

• Inessa (32): a bartender from Ukraine that speaks 4 languages and can bake a cake from scratch

• Sierra (30): an NBA Cheerleader that’s “jumping for joy” as a paralegal

• Ashley J (27): a kickboxing instructor, poet, and juggler

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Heather the Floppy Hat Fan (36), Jamie the Laughing at Things Lover (25), and Michelle the Doomed Cat Lady (33) are bodily ejected from the litter box, leaving:

• Ashley J the Poetic Juggler (27)

• Ashley H the Sky Admirer (27)

• Inessa the Cake Baker (32)

• Sierra the Cheerleader (30)

• Casandra the Former Partier (23)

• Toya the Prayer and Boat Enthusiast (33)

• Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29)

Jesse Palmer sprints out from his lair beneath the stage to scream “Now they’re about to bare their souls and bodies!” while his eyes roll madly around in their sockets. 

BIKINI ROUND

• Casandra the Former Partier (23) slithers out to say that she’s failed in love 3 times (which, given her age, I assume she means her elementary school boyfriend, her middle school boyfriend, and her high school boyfriend) and that she’s super nervous, as evidenced by the fact that she keeps laughing hysterically and stuttering every single word
  

• Toya the Prayer and Boat Enthusiast (33) rolls out to one-up Casandra by announcing that HER heart has been broken NINE FUCKING TIMES, and that she’s prayed every night of her life to be lead to the love of her life. She also wrote a poem and sobs while reading it, thus cementing her as the most pathetic candidate to ever appear on this show, until at least next week
  

• Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29) dances out to a voiceover saying she’s “three years away from being a lonely cat lady,” announces she used to be over 300 pounds, and, when asked how she’s doing by Sir Jesse Palmer, says blandly “I’m doing okay.”
  

• Ashley H the Sky Admirer (27) sprints out to the titillating news that she used to be a former track star and has lots of trophies, but now wants one in the shape of a Neil Lane diamond, because that is solely what this show is about—getting an expensive fucking bauble and that’s fucking it.
  

• Inessa the Cake Baker (32) sashays out saying she’s a Gemini that, reminder, likes to bake pies. She also then promptly blurts out that she thinks something’s wrong with her, because all of her friends are married and she isn’t. Spoiler alert: she’s right.
  

• Sierra the Cheerleader (30) cartwheels out to say she’s on the picky side but believes in love at first sight, and that she knows internally who she wants to be with, which clearly makes sense because she’s TALKING TO A STRANGER SHE’S NEVER FUCKING SEEN BEFORE. She also then does the world’s worst cheer, and misspells “Mike” as “Mic”
  

• Ashley J the Poetic Juggler (27) springs out to add that she also writes songs, and then promptly breaks out into a horrible fucking rap song, because why the fuck not

Mystery Mike reminds us for the 384727658th time that he was a contestant on the show, and that’s about that.

Who will he put out of their misery? Let’s see.

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Ashley H the Sky Admirer (27), Sierra the Cheerleader (30), and Inessa the Cake Baker (32) are all given a nasty case of food poisoning, leaving:

• Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29)

• Ashley J the Poetic Juggler (27)

• Casandra the Former Partier (23)

• Toya the Prayer and Boat Enthusiast (33)

DEALBREAKER QUESTION ROUND
Now it’s time for the Dealbreaker Question Round, my favorite round ever—and Jesse Palmer’s, as he excitedly sprints on stage to breathlessly announce that the questions can “be about religion, politics, past relationships, even SEXXXXX!”

Mystery Mike reminds us for the 7324876562th time that he was a contestant on the show, and then we get right into the deep humiliation.

• Casandra (23) gets: When is it okay to have a one-night stand? She giggles and blanks completely, giggles some more, then says: “I guess this is a no-judgment question, right? I guess if you’re at a bar or somewhere and you meet someone and you hit it off really well?”
  

• Jasmyn (29) gets: Kids…how many do you want? She pauses for 2 hours straight and then rambles on about how she wants 2 kids, because she’s one of 2, and she would like 2, because again she’s one of 2, and she’d like 2
  

• Ashley J (27) gets: Tell me about the last time you hurt someone in a relationship. “Ooh that’s tough,” she says nervously. “The last time I hurt someone in a relationship was with my ex, um, and we had ‘a break’ due to his actions, and during that break I had to be very honest with him about speaking with someone I had regretted speaking to, and that really hurt his heart.” Girl I call BS, but whatever.
  

• Toya (33) gets: Every woman knows they have their dream wedding, so tell me about your dream wedding. UM NO THEY FUCKING DON’T, MIKE. Anyway, she says: “So I would want my dream wedding to be very intimate, I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding and having a whole bunch of people you don’t know very well, so I want 20 people max with family and loved ones (and they’re expensive!)” etc. etc. etc.

Which idiot is sent packing? Let’s see.

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Toya the Prayer and Boat Enthusiast (33) is brutally pushed overboard, leaving:  

• Ashley J the Poetic Juggler (27)

• Casandra the Former Partier (23)

• Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29)

Because of course the 23yo who’s screeching and giggling incessantly about one-night stands is chosen over the 33yo who at least has some degree of her shit together. 

FAMILY QUESTION ROUND
Now it’s time to ruin things even further by hauling Mystery Mike’s idiot of a cousin up on stage, where he gets to subject the women to stupid questions and gets to look stupid in the process.

God, I hate this show.

• Ashley J the Poetic Juggler (27) gets: Obviously Michael’s here for a reason. Do you believe in fate, destiny? “Yes, definitely,” she says, stuttering. “I’m a big firm believer in love, attraction, and I believe everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen.”
  

• Casandra the Former Partier (23) gets: We have a huge family and we’re loud; you know, you come home to meet the rest of the family and see how loud we are. Might be that you come home and Mike leaves you on the couch—you in the lion’s den. Will that be intimidating to you? “No,” she titters, giggling incessantly into the mic. “I feel like I get along with everyone, I can literally talk to a brick wall, so I feel like I can make my way in and settle just right in!” Her laughter is like nails on the chalkboard of the preschool classroom she just graduated from FFS.
  

• Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29) gets: Me and Mike, we go out of our way to make each other laugh. Just this year, on my birthday, he called and left a message on my voicemail—he actually played every character from the barbershop from Coming to America. He’s all about the jokes and laughter, so If I’m not around and his spirits are down, what would you do to lift his spirits up? “I would easily!” she says, mangling the English language. “I do a little impressions too, including Jay Z,” she exclaims, before launching into the worst fucking impression of Jay Z I have ever fucking heard.

Which idiots stay, and which idiot goes?

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Shockingly—no, legit, shockingly—Casandra the Former Partier (23) is finally thrown out the door of the club, leaving: 

• Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29)

• Ashley J the Poetic Juggler (27)

Now it’s time to open the pod! And I can confidently say I’ve never seen Mystery Mike once in my entire fucking life. Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

“You’re both so amazing, ayeee!!!” He literally exclaims.

“I’m at a loss for words because, like I said, the last time I was a contestant, things didn’t work out, but love brought me back here, so I do believe that love finds away,” he adds, babbling as he feasts his eyes on the sad fucks in front of him.  

Now it’s time for one brutal elimination and one ill-advised proposal!

ELIMINATION ROUND 5
Ashley the Poetic Juggler (27) begs for his love first, thanking him for having faith in her. She then rambles on to say that finding someone that’s genuine to her, that lets her be her, that lets her keep her heart open, is so important, and that she constantly asked “why not me?” when everyone else found love, but that a big reason has got to be today, thus wrapping up one of the saddest pleas of all time.

Jasmyn the Lactose Intolerant Cat Lover (29) spills her damn guts next, saying once again how nervous she is (while Mystery Mike stupidly reminds us for the 9384893437674658495749857485th time that he knows, because he’s been there, because he’s been on the show, hur hur). Jasmyn then shades Ashley beautifully by saying “unfortunately, I don’t have a cheer or a rap,” but that the one thing she can propose to this loser is that she has all the faith in this process (because why the fuck not) and the fact that this schmuck is even there right now shows that “there’s some purpose here, that His divine order works, that there’s some kind of teachable moment, that there’s something in this whole thing that can be divine and truly momentous.”

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WOMAN, NO THERE ISN’T. And she’s immediately proven wrong by crushingly being rejected and sent home, and giving the most glorious side-eye while it happens.

That’s right, Ashley J the Poetic Juggler wins!! AND THEY'VE ALREADY BROKEN UP PER THE SHOW, proving once again that we’re all in hell, and there is no reprieve, ever.

Until next week! God help us all.