If you’ve ever felt like you’re stuck in a time warp, then buckle up, bitches, because that’s exactly how tonight’s episode is gonna go. Tia and Colton still steamrolling everyone with their on-again/off-again romance? Check. Chris gaslighting the fuck out of every woman he encounters? Check. Jordan having a meltdown because David is creepily infringing on his personal life and space, and also because he has the emotional maturity of a particularly dimwitted gnat? Check. Men that are fucking clearly not “nice guys” insisting that they’re “nice guys” while they torture the women that care about them? Check.

Are we in the first episode of Paradise of the fourth? Are we in the fifth season or Paradise or the second? God only knows, because they’re all the goddamn same.

Let’s dive in.

“Nice Guys” Finish First
The theme of this episode is “I’m a nice guy, so clearly I can do whatever the fuck I want when it comes to women and their emotions!” 

Welcome to America, the home of men swearing that women are crazy, clingy, and desperate while they run around gaslighting said women and flaunting other relationships directly in their faces. Yay!

We open with Chris gaslighting Tia, per fucking usual. He claims kissing Krystal was no big deal, and that Tia should just get over it because he still likes her and this is a non-issue, yet when Tia is like “bye, bitch” he pretends like he bowed out first, because, once again, Chris is a spineless little fucking shit that’s brimming with misogynistic, abusive, and manipulative behaviors. Stop calling this bitch “the goose” and send his ass home FOR FUCKING EVER, ABC.

We’re then treated to a surreal scene of Tia and Krystal chatting in the water, while Krystal sips a margarita and either completely misses the gaslighting insanity that Chris is radiating, or is embracing it because she herself is fucking crazy. Either way, I want none of it.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline from Arie’s season, whoever the fuck that is, comes flouncing into Paradise and promptly asks Colton on a date, under the direction of the producers I assume. He says nah, cause he needs to work things out with Tia, yet the two then commence crying needlessly while Tia laments wanting to hug him but also not hug him, so there you go. 

Jacqueline, perhaps sensing that she’s avoided a time bomb, flounces over to Kenny and asks him on a date instead.

“It’s fine that someone asked someone else out on a date before me!” He exclaims, which is uncanny because that is also my life motto. 

This is yet another twist of the knife for poor Annaliese, who had just put all of her eggs in the Kenny basket (after having put them in the Jordan basket, and the Colton basket, and the—). She watches the two prance off sadly, fretting to the camera that she’s totally going to get sent home, despite her frantic efforts to find a lasting soulmate. 

Man, I feel for Annaliese. She’s crazy and all, but girl means so well.  

Back in the newly forming Kenny Show, he goes off with Jacqueline (I stopped paying attention on the date because it was boring as fuck) and they end up making out, and then they come back to the beach where he ends up making out with Annaliese, and honestly, this is just the newest trend. Kenny is a one-man makeout wrecking ball this season, and while I want the man to have some fun, it’s kind of fucking ridiculous that he’s sucking face with a bevy of women who are all essentially sitting on the sidelines watching this shit go down.

Speaking of one-man wrecking balls, inexplicably Venmo John is becoming a bit of an ass. I could maybe excuse his behavior with Caroline and Jubilee last episode, given the fact that he basically just had his “take down my ponytail and take off my glasses to become the newest high school hottie” moment, but this shit is getting old fast.

First he spends time canoodling with Caroline and going on and on about how much he likes her and the great connection they have, and then promptly sprints off to go fucking makeout with Jubilee on a daybed.

“I love smart people,” Jubilee says stupidly to the cameras, as she sinks her claws deeper into Sir Venmo’s pockets, I mean supple skin. She also claims she doesn’t want to get involved in a love triangle, and yet here the fuck we are, Jubes.

Caroline is rather gobsmacked, considering the circumstances. “I’m not spying, you’re spying,” she says, spying avidly on the Jon/Jubilee train wreck. Shaking her head reluctantly, she shrugs and finally says “Sink or swim, bitch.”

I feel this on an existential level.

Crazy (in Love)
Back in fucking Crazy Town, Chris and Krystal up the insanity ante simply by being close to each other. 

“I have a relaxation surprise for you,” he tells her, which I can only assume means he’s going to either murder her or kill someone for her, but alas, it’s just more lounging on another goddamn daybed. 

“I thought you’d be different, like you were on the show” he tells her, murder glinting in his eyes.

“How so?” she coos, lips curling into a frightful smirk.

“Like, I thought you’d be crazy.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris. 

Krystal, of course, takes this as a compliment and breaks out a hint of that famed vocal fry for a deep laugh. God, they make my skin crawl.

Chris continues to gaslight Krystal, who probably eats gaslight for breakfast, telling her that he’s all about her 100% and Tia doesn’t matter and whatever whatever whatever. Look, forget Tia, forget Krystal, forget lackey Jordan, forgot everyone on this show but Chris, because the only person Chris is 100% there for is himself. 

Sensing that perhaps we’ve had enough Chris for the moment, the Bachelor Gods decide to give us a few brief moments of good. 

First we bear witness to a sun-kissed, charmingly disheveled, sleeping Grocery Joe, which gives me the most fleeting sense that maybe—just maybe—there is hope again in this cold, cold world.

Then we pan over to Bibiana, who is the hero we need, not the hero we deserve. After talking to Tia about Colton’s ongoing inability to commit or make up his fucking mind in the slightest, Bibs decides to take matters into her own hands, proving once again that she is The Greatest Wing Woman in the World. Honestly, she needs to be put in the history books, she’s that good.

She marches over to Colton to beat some sense into his thick skull, laying out the facts that he has someone fucking crazy over him right in front of him, and they’re on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world for fuck’s sake, and why is he being such a goddamn little bitch?

BIBIANA FOR BACHELORETTE 2019!

Colton finally finds his way back to Tia (for now), which isn’t hard because she’s like 2 feet away on yet another fucking daybed. They cry, they kiss, and they get back together, and all is sort of good in the world, I guess. 

Until Chris opens his fucking mouth again, whining about and railing on Colton and Tia, because FOR SOME REASON HE THINKS THIS AFFECTS HIM IN THE SLIGHTEST. 

“I’m gonna be a bitch right now,” Bibiana tells him firmly, sick of this shit, “but Chris this is NOT about you right now.”

Going Off the Deep End
It’s finally—FINALLY—time for the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Is it just me, or has it been approximately 150 years since the last one?

As the men awkwardly scramble across the sands, we’re treated to a montage of Jordan wearing the most horrific, eyeball-assaulting, soul-crushing outfit of all time: a two-piece, bright red, Hawaiian-print suit that consists solely of a pair of pants and a vest. 

“What’s that monkey from Aladdin?” Chelsea asks, both horrified and gleeful. “He’s just missing the little hat.”

Papa Chris Harrison gleefully tells the crowd that three women will be going the fuck home tonight, and then he unleashes the Last-Minute Scramble for Love Madness. 

Speaking of the scramble for love, it’s time for the other man romantic drama this season: the Jordan and David Show.

Whether it’s editing or just the horror of reality, David has literally spent this entire season doing nothing but creeping the fuck all over Jordan’s life, body, and ladies. He’s a one-trick pony of a man, doomed to tag along at Jordan’s heels, lapping crazily at whatever taste of Malibu Ken he can get.

Eurgh, give me a second, I need to take several shots of straight vodka to burn that vision out of my brain forever.

Okay, much better.

So we’re treated first to a brief Jordan and Jenna quality-time session, during which Jordan happily shows off his nightmare of an outfit. He claims it’s a prototype, and that it also comes with a shirt and tie, and that he inexplicably has the same set in blue, but didn’t bring it because having both in Paradise, now THAT would be too much.

He then gifts Jenna—and really, the universe—with the most awkward modeling scene of all times, in which he crawls around on the ground, sits on his knees and claims he’s naked, and prowls around throwing Pensive Gentleman stares without abandon. 

He also then declares that Jenna is “the most stacked girl in Paradise,” to which I want to punch his stupid little face in. 

The minute that living nightmare is over, David creeps out of the shadows, schlepping a gigantic stuffed dog to give to Jenna as a belated birthday gift or what the fuck ever.

Forgetting that Jordan hurled the last birthday gift David tried to give Jenna, he leaves the poor, helpless stuffed animal within our intrepid model’s reach.

You already know what’s coming, right? Jordan, throwing an absolute temper tantrum, hefts up the gigantic plus toy and drags it down the beach, hurling it as best he can into the dark waters. 

The women are all protesting in the background, but Jordan doesn’t care, goddamnit, because anything that David has touched shall not touch Jenna.

Jordan then marches back up the beach and throws himself dramatically on the couches, while the couples look at him with a mixture of pity, disgust, sadness, and, in Krystal’s case, admiration.

“I think the gesture was sweet,” she says, because of fucking course she does.

Jordan maintains that all of this is completely normal. 

“I’m a pretty cool cat,” insists the man wearing an ill-fitting, Hawaiian-print, 2-piece monstrosity that just hurled a giant teddy bear into the ocean during a hissy fit.

“I’ll bring the thunder!” he continues, completely unhinged. “You’re a brand new set of tires,” he declares at David, “and I’m a Ferrari!”

Sure.

The women aren’t so sure, to which Jordan loses his goddamn mind. 

He claims he doesn’t know who Chelsea is, and gets fucking nasty about her to David, implying that David is only able to sit next to someone that’s clearly so pathetic she’s going home.

Chelsea and Jubilee are pissed but calm, and tell Jordan to calm down. To which he snaps “shut the fuck up,” and has a meltdown. 

And it’s official: I’m off the Team Jordan boat. I gave him lots of chances, that little bitch, but it’s time he gets his shit together. After spending all of last episode egging on Chris’ misogynistic bullshit, telling women to fuck off, throwing temper tantrums and gifts into the ocean, making fun of when, and flipping his shit over David, it’s game over for me.

Annaliese, unwilling to let Jordan get away with this assholery, marches off down the beach to him and puts him swiftly and firmly in his place.

“I’m a good guy,” he insists immediately after all of this, BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE. “Even the nicest neighborhoods have speed bumps,” he adds, whining profusely. 

Jordan, shut the fuck up.

It’s the Final Countdown
Meanwhile, the rest of our plucky gang of idiots are in a mad dash to stay in Paradise for at least on more episode. Here’s a quick recap:

Astrid and Kevin have a Lady and the Tramp scene with a gigantic Italian sausage, which was part of a pile randomly arranged on the coffee tables. Well played, interns, well played.

Speaking of things being played, over in the daybed area, John is just delighted to learn the Jubilee wants to give him a Very Innocent Back Massage.

“Hee hee how lovely, ha ha Jubes, you just to casually giving me a friendly back massaged, isn’t this such a surprise,” he pretty much coos, hurriedly whipping his shirt off. 

 JOHN STOP PLAYING THESE WOMEN FFS, you ain't been popular long enough for this.

On the couches, David is trying to entice Bibiana into putting all of her eggs also in the Kenny basket, which is just a death sentence, honestly. This of course doesn’t stop Bibs from sprinting over to to Kenny, nor Kenny from making out with his third (fourth?) woman of the day, but c’est la vie. 

Elsewhere, Jacqueline laments the fact that she’s old as fuck. “Haha, I’m 27 that’s fucking ancient I'm almost 30 which is fucking decrepit haha I'm about to die because I am old as fuck haha” she screams to no one in particular.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, JACQUELINE.

The Rose Winners
Finally, finally, FINALLY we reach the Rose Ceremony, which is just as much of a dumpster fire as you’d expect. Our abysmal set of suitors give roses to the women they’ve spent the last two hours beating into emotionally bloody pulps, leaving:

• Jenna (via Jordan)

• Chelsea (via David)

• Astrid (via Kevin)

• Krystal (via Chris)

• FUCKING JUBILEE (via FUCKING JOHN)

• Kendall (via Grocery Joe)

• Tia (via Colton)

• Angela (via Eric)

And in the dramatic final moments, we have…Annaliese saved, via Kenny.

Which is wonderful, because god bless Annaliese, but also devastating because goodbye, Queen Bibs. Also, goodbye Caroline and Nysha, who were done so goddamn wrong this season. This franchise. This lifetime.

Next week, it looks like Hurricane Leo is coming to DESTROY ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD (aka Kendall and Grocery Joe) and I assume Jordan and David will finally pledge their undying love to each other and put the rest of us out of our misery. Also, the fucking losers from all the last seasons will be on, so get fucking ready for Arie and dead-behind-the-eyes Lauren. 

Until next week!