Alright, kids, buckle up because tonight’s episode was EVERYTHING. We have blurred out butts, ruthless date stealing, hurled birthday cakes, psychotic geese, aliens in human suits, and so. much. more.

Whenever I get really down on this nightmare of a show, it comes right back to show me why I love it so much. Or that could be the mental illness creeping in, but c’est la vie!

Let’s dive in.

A Sea of Tears
We open, of course, with Colton sobbing incessantly, and I had to struggle to remember if there was any particular reason or if he was just enjoying his regular morning routine. 

Oh, that’s right, it’s because Becca is inexplicably in Paradise and on a quest to help Colton find inner peace. Which—and let me hammer this point home once again—is FUCKING RICH because she just picked a nightmare of a man to spend however-long-the-engagement-will-be with over a much better option, and also brutally rejected Colton right before that.

I know that when I’m sad and vulnerable, I always need a swift kick in the ass from someone that just ripped my heart out and chose someone infinitely more terrible than I am.

Becca and Colton ramble on uselessly for awhile, vaguely agreeing that Colton needs to figure out wtf he wants, and sure, why wouldn’t Paradise with his pseudo-ex girlfriend be a super great place to do it in. The convo then ended abruptly with absolutely nothing of interest or substance happening.

“I’ll tell Garrett you say hi!” Becca chirps, twisting the knife aggressively as she skips out of Paradise and into her own personal hell. 

Back on the beach, Chris still can’t let the Colton and Tia Show go, ranting to the cameras that Colton is emotionally unstable. So just to recap, the dangerously unstable asshole that has The Goose alter ego is describing SOMEONE ELSE as EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.

Awesome.

EET: The Extra Extraterrestrial
Sensing the need for less tears and more excitement, the Producers rip the cameras away from Colton’s red, bloated face and instead shine a spotlight on…someone!

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, someone I sort of recognize comes bounding down the stairs and instantly declares that she’s an alien and can unzip her skin suit into…I don’t know what she can unzip it into, but she shakes her boobs a lot, so sure! 

Ah yes, it’s Jenna! She was on Arie’s season, during which she gave him a foot massage and talked about drinking her own urine. Aw I actually kind of liked Jenna, but like anything good in Arie’s season, she was sent home far too early. 

Back on this planet (for the moment at least), Jenna announces it’s her birthday and then bounces onto the beach, where Jordan swiftly, promptly falls head over heels in love with her. Annaliese who, amirite? 

The two chit-chat and compare blond hair, and then Jenna literally climbs on his back and they go galloping down the beach for their 1:1 date. Said date includes horseback riding, aggressive beachside kissing, and Jordan shockingly talking about something other than himself for perhaps the first time in his entire life. 

When they come back, Jordan is excitedly gushing about Jenna and their date to anyone and anything that will listen, and Colton sums it up nicely: “he looks like the heart-eyes emoji.” I gotta say, Jordan’s reaction to Jenna was almost EXACTLY how my dog reacted the first time I gave her a toy: instant fascination and undying, absurdly dedicated love for no good reason, but awwwww.

Of course all of this gushing is deviously layered with a barrage of Annaliese scenes, in which she happily prattles on to everyone about how wonderful Jordan is, and how strong their connection is, and how they’re falling in love with each other, etc. It’s very Tia 2.0 with the whole Colton/Chris debacle, but this time we actually feel bad for our poor sort-of heroine. 

Although I have to say, Jordan does, to his credit…well, he does go talk to Annaliese and actually explain the situation, although “tactful” might not be the best way to describe it. Basically he tells Annaliese that he likes her and had a great time with her, but Jenna is THE greatest thing in the world and he has NEVER felt like this about anyone and she is THE best and they had THE best time and Jenna is THE greatest thing in the world, and so on and so on and so on, as Annaliese withers and dies right on that massive Sunbrella-cushioned daybed. 

#RIP, Annaliese, you deserved better. Mostly.

Of course this IS Jordan that we’re dealing with now, so what could possibly be going on while he talks with Annaliese?

That’s right! David—who, if he can’t have Jordan, has to have the next closest thing—runs right to Jenna with a bare chest and a birthday cake. Welcome to Paradise, motherfuckers!

David flirts and goes on about how things change in Paradise and how he’s looking forward to it all, or whatever the fuck, and Jenna sort of entertains him. I mean, I’m not gonna turn down someone that comes and brings me cake either. 

Captain Underpants senses tingling, Jordan leaves the now-dead Annaliese and prowls over to yet another gigantic daybed, where he promptly…sits on the side of it and huffs, arms crossed over his chest. It’s hilariously, endearingly awkward. You can tell he wants to throttle David, but weirdly just sort of sits there.

Until David leaves, of course, and then the huffing and puffing begin. “If there’s one thing Jordans don’t do, it’s sweat Davids,” says the Shakespeare of our time, before promptly sweating David so hard he picks up the remaining birthday cake and hurls the plate off into the sand, smashing it.

“This has chicken feathers all over it! It smells like chicken in here!” he exclaims, making his exit. 

For those of us keeping count, especially as concerned as we all seem to be in this country with women being too emotional and hormonal and quick to freak out in this country to be in positions of power:

Glass items hurled and subsequently smashed by men between Becca’s season and BiP: 2

Glass items hurled and subsequently smashed by women between Becca’s season and BiP: 0

Cool!

A Little Girl Time
Now that David and Jordan are no longer on camera, the producers need good girl gossip, so we swing wildly back over to the other side of the beach, where the goings are most definitely getting crazy.

First we catch up with Annaliese, who, showing she’s absolutely lost her mind over her pseudo breakup with Jordan, runs right to Colton to attempt to find someone that will commit to her and only her (at least through the upcoming rose ceremony). Colton, who may as well have a giant “I Love Tia” tattoo stamped right on his forehead, sort of shrugs at her, and a little more light goes out of Annaliese’s eyes.

He scampers off to the bar, where we’re treated to a magical moment with Yuki, who tells him he’s so handsome and that he must have had lots of girls. “How many girls??” She demands to know, while Colton smiles and shrugs and says “All the girls here!” Which is hilarious because the real answer is “Not one single girl, ever.”

Next up is a brief shot of Angela, who has the audacity to announce that she has deep conversations. Luckily for all of us on this planet, she’s interrupted by the arrival of another lady newcomer.

That’s right, it’s Caroline from Arie’s season! aka one of the Becca’s Besties Brigade who shared her wisdom across Becca’s season, only for Becca to promptly ignore her and run off to PICK FUCKING GARRETT.

Ahem.

Anyway, Caroline is nervous AF (and at one point hilariously leaves Joe puzzled on a daybed as she sprints off to pee) but still manages to sweep John off his surprisingly chiseled abs.

“She’s like a celebrity to me,” he says dumbly, turning into a heart-eyes emoji of his own. He gets the 1:1 date and they scamper off to eat dinner and dance to a mariachi band (was it a mariachi band? I was like 6 glasses of wine deep by this point, idk).

Back on the beach, things are ramping up even more with the addition of the 385364783th woman of the season! Seriously, the women seem to outnumber the men 873436:1 at this point, but whatever.

“There’s no love without war,” declares this person I’ve never fucking seen before.

Turns out our aggressive stranger is Jubilee, who’s a bizarre mixture of an army vet and…whatever Jubilee is. She marches up to Kevin, who always looks like he was just hit with a brick, and demands to know if he has a connection with anyone in Paradise yet. Here’s how the conversation goes:

Kevin: “Yeah, with Astrid,.”

Jubilee: “Ashley?

Kevin: “Astrid.”

Jubilee: “Ass…Assy?”

Kevin: “Astrid.”

Jubilee: “Ashley!”

Kevin: “Astrid.”

Jubilee: “Astley?

Kevin: “Astrid.”

Jubilee: “Ashy?”

Kevin: “Astrid.”

Jubilee: “Ooh, Astrid!”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Scintillating television, people. 

Disappointed that she can’t sink her claws into Kevin, Jubilee then sets her sights on…John of Venmo! Who’s currently snuggling with Caroline, but why would that stop Jubilee?

Jubes saunters over, flirts, and then ask John on the 1:1 date…to which he savagely agrees while still cuddling with Caroline. Jesus fuck, dude, I know BiP has been the equivalent of you taking off your glasses and letting down your ponytail to become a hot, popular teenage girl, but dayum. 

“What’s John packing down there to get all these dates??” Kevin asks wondrously, watching the two hightail it off.

Good question, Kevin. Good damn question. 

Jubes and John do have a rather insightful (and timely) conversation about being one of such few minorities in the Bachelorverse, although Jubilee keeps mucking it up with things like “OMG I HAVE THAT APP!” when John says he built the app for Venmo.

Yeah, you and EVERYONE ELSE on this fucking planet, girl.

It’s the Cheese, Man
While Jubes and John are hitting it off on their date, seemingly everyone else in Paradise is falling apart.

Caroline is despondent over John scampering off with Jubilee, and girl, I get it. I swear, if John turns into a Diet Dean I’m going to stop using Venmo forever. #TeamApplePayIfIAbsolutelyHaveTo

Kenny tries to take his connection with Krystal to the next level, only to have her brutally friend zone him and then flounce off to go find someone else to prey on. 

Kenny, feeling sad and philosophical, sets up camp with Eric and the two have a deep discussion about mice and cheese and how that strategy can be applied to surviving Paradise, which makes abso-fucking-lutely no sense in the goddamn slightest.

Kenny: it’s the cheese, man

Eric: yeah like sometimes it’s in the same place and sometimes it’s not

Kenny: that’s the thing with cheese, bro!

Eric: go with the cheese, man

Kenny: see? The cheese.

Eric: goddamn, the cheese, bro

Kenny: goddamn.

Am I just drunk or did I drug my own drink? Who the fuck knows.

Off in the distance, Chris the Abusive and Insane Goose butters up Tia, yammering on and on about their connection and how he won’t treat her like Colton did etc. etc. etc.

Which is a load of FUCKING SHIT because it’s Chris. He proves this to be true immediately by applying, apparently, the cheese strategy and sprinting off to find Krystal. He tells her he’s “absolutely not with anyone” and then plies her with the line “I’ve never kissed a blond before!” 

BECAUSE CHRIS IS FUCKING TRASH AND SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED ON FUCKING TV AGAIN.

To this Krystal delightedly laughs, because she loves nothing more than eating men alive and destroying the women around her. They commence sucking face, while Kenny and Eric shake their heads, agreeing that it’s all cheese strategy, man.

The next morning, Colton “I Love Tia” Underwood gets the second chance he was anxiously waiting for when Kenny and Eric rush over to tell him all about the Chris and Krystal Face Sucking Extravaganza. 

Colton, seemingly just GOBSMACKED, confronts Chris. Now, folks, this is important:

Chris, who formed the FUCKING GOOSE GANG in order to berate, shame, and aggressively confront Colton about macking on other women while keeping Tia on the table, then pompously says to Colton that he’s LEGIT KEEPING TIA ON THE TABLE WHILE HE MACKS ON OTHER WOMEN. 

ABC: Chris is a fucking abusive asshole. STOP. GIVING. HIM. AIR TIME.

Colton then transforms into The Flash and sprints off across the beach, running right to Tia like the good boy he is. To his credit, Colton doesn’t smash this in Tia’s face, but tells her what happened and then appropriate hides once her anger explodes. If there’s anyone that could take down Chris (and Krystal) it would be Tia. "It's time to roast this goose," she roars, and I CANNOT WAIT.

Of course we do have to wait because we’re then treated to a disgusting scene of Chris and pseudo lackey Jordan comparing women to buffets and bragging about how they’re going to aggressively conquer them all and then toss them aside like fucking garbage. Jordan then asks what the goose mating call is, to which Chris begins honking psychotically. 

LET ME SAY THIS AGAIN. CHRIS IS FUCKING TRASH. HE IS ABUSIVE AND AGGRESSIVE. HE IS INCREDIBLY DAMAGING TO ANY WOMAN HE COMES ACROSS, AND SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE GIVEN ATTENTION OF TIME. ABC, GET HIM THE FUCK OFF YOUR FUCKING NETWORK!

UGH. 

At the very least, we’re left with a wonderful cliffhanger moment, where Tia bursts into the bar area and basically says she’s going to rip Chris’ fucking head off.

“Uh oh,” says Chris, and I really hope we start the next episode with her murdering him messily.

Until next week!