The Proposal S01 E08: Acrobats, Awkward Haikus, and Eggplant Hotdogs
Why do I do this to myself? Every single Monday I watch this insidiously stupid show and work myself up into a rage, spilling wine everywhere and frantically live Tweeting every single second of its utter fucking horror. I know ABC has me in its deadly talons, and yet I am helpless to stop it.
Anyway, let’s get this fucking disaster started.
Tonight we meet Mystery Lady—sorry, Dr. Mystery Lady—Celine Thum, a 30yo attending physician living in New York City who’s a classically trained violinist and seems wonderfully sweet. Clearly she’s single, because she’s far more nuanced and successful than 99% of men, so they’ll likely pass her over for one of the stupid women that come on the show as contestants themselves.
Speaking of stupid fucks coming on the show, let’s meet tonight’s contestants!
THE CONTESTANTS
Steve (31): a crossfit fanatic who’s equally as picky about food as he is about women. He’s also widely considered a pioneer in the art of food prep, because why the fuck not
Tommy Taylor Jr (35): a computer engineer whose passions include bacon and video games—but raising awareness about the importance of trees comes above all else
Nicholas (27): a “business development” (just “business development”) who makes a mean eggplant hotdog, whatever the fuck that is
Billy (25): a concierge from NYC who, of fucking course, is looking for a real-life Disney princess. He hates fluorescent lighting and his favorite nut is the cashew, despite the cashew actually being a seed from a fruit
Wendall (24): a PhD candidate from Georgia who wants to live up to his nickname “Dr. Love” (that real, live people definitely gave to him)
Wai (26): a ponytail-ed acrobat and aerialist from Vegas, whose hobbies are inspiring people and making banana pancakes
Jay (34): a server from Jersey who loves being goofy and speaking in fucking haikus
Michael (35): a real estate agent who’s favorite insect is the Bulgarian caterpillar
Edward Blair IV (24): a lawyer that describes himself as “a Leo from the South”
Na’eem (26): a personal trainer from Jersey that’s passionate about pizza, working out, and church
ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Nicholas the Eggplant Hotdog Entrepreneur (27), Jay the Haiku Enthusiast (34) and Michael the Bulgarian Caterpillar Devotee (35) are brutally doused with bug spray, leaving:
Na’eem the Passion of the Personal Trainer (26)
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31)
Wendall the Doctor of Love (24)
Billy the Fluorescent Light Hater (25)
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35)
Wai the Inspiring Acrobat (26)
Edward the Southern Leo (24)
Jesse Palmer then skitters out from the shadows to scream “Now they’re about to bare their souls and bodies!”
Casual reminder: he screams this every. single. goddamn. episode.
BIKINI ROUND
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35), who Dr. Celine insists on addressing every time by his full goddamn name, prances out in shorty shorts to announce he draws the line at women that smoke and he’s here because he’s a hopeless romantic at heart
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31) sashays out and announces he’s afraid of clingy women, then starts reciting a fucking poem about his inability to grow a beard
Billy the Fluorescent Light Hater (25) dances out saying that if Dr. Celine puts her trust in him he’ll never let her down, and then promptly announces he’s looking for more than just a peck on the cheek tonight
Wendall the Doctor of Love (24) staggers out and says he’s recently out of a 5-year relationship after being cheated on, and while he has a degree in biology, he’s putting all his faith in chemistry
Wai the Inspiring Acrobat (26) catapults out in a speedo and promptly begins does splits and acrobatics on a chair, while breathlessly announcing that he wants passion, sensuality, and frivolity
Edward the Southern Leo (24) tap dances out to a voiceover calling him the “spiritual legal assistant” and says his greatest desire is to find a spiritual partner. He then says “if you chose me, I’ll treat you well, I have no doubt about it” but REALLY it’s Dr. Celine who should be having some VERY SERIOUS doubts right about now
Na’eem the Passion of the Personal Trainer (26) ups the god ante by shimmying out to a voiceover calling him a “man of faith looking for a deep, organic connection with a woman rather than random hookups,” and yet it’s then promptly announced that he has two fucking kids from two fucking relationships
“As a medical provider, I’ve seen a lot of bodies, but not like this before” Dr. Celine screams crazily, having come completely untethered from all reality.
Who will she send home? Let’s see the results of her insanity.
ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Billy the Fluorescent Light Hater (25), Edward the Southern Leo (24), and Wai the Inspiring Acrobat (26) are all deemed horrifically uninspiring and sent packing, leaving:
Na’eem the Passion of the Personal Trainer (26)
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31)
Wendall the Doctor of Love (24)
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35)
DEALBREAKER QUESTION ROUND
Now it’s time for the Dealbreaker Question Round, my favorite round ever—and Jesse Palmer’s, as he excitedly sprints on stage to breathlessly announce that the questions can “be about religion, politics, past relationships, even SEXXXXX!”
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31) gets: We’ve all had some bad relationships and we’ve all been hurt. Can you tell me about the last time you were hurt and what you learned from it? He says his last relationship was a little over a year ago and he thought it would last “for awhile,” so there you go, ladies and gentlemen. Then he claims he wants the connection and feels it already with Celine, despite not having seen her in any way, shape, or form.
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35) gets: So even though I have some family members in the audience: What is the most experimental you’ve gotten in the bedroom? To which he announces he’s kind of old fashioned and “is waiting until he’s married to have intercourse” and starts promptly doing splits to show off the fact that it totally won’t be weird to take the virginity of a man pushing 40 because he is LIMBER, because we are ALL IN HELL
Wendall the Doctor of Love (24) gets: Congrats, first of all, for making it almost through med school! I never actually dated a doctor cause I found they can’t really deal with the stress very well. Do you think you’ll have time to be in a committed relationship, and how to you deal with stress? He lies and claims he rarely feels stress, and that you make the time for the things you want, which is going to be fucking hilarious once he hits puberty and actually becomes a doctor
Na’eem the Passion of the Personal Trainer (26) gets: I think it’s amazing that you have 2 beautiful daughters…but I am a little concerned that they’re from 2 different women. Can you explain why I shouldn’t be concerned? Mr. “Super Spiritual” hems and haws as he tries to think of an excuse, then blames his first child on “just being a kid” because he had her at 18 and because his dad wasn’t around. Then he says sometimes relationships just don’t work out for “whatever reason” but hopes this one lasts, and my fucking god
Which godly men will make it out, and which will be hurled out of the heavens? Let’s see!
ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Na’eem the Passion of the Personal Trainer (26) is kicked out of the pearly gates for his un-religious sowing of seed, leaving:
Wendall the Doctor of Love (24)
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35)
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31)
FAMILY QUESTION ROUND
Now it’s time to (further) utterly humiliate Dr. Celine’s family by marching her father up on stage to meet his potential son-in-laws. “Are you hopeful one of these gentlemen you can one day call son?” Jesse Palmer demands to know, shoving the mic into the poor man’s face.
“They’d…be acceptable,” he says unconvincingly, cringing as he looks at the three fucking losers.
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35) gets: Education is really important to our family— and it actually means not just the belief to work on different problems, but also means the ability to pass through a cacophony of noises out there. The latest is fake news: how do you work thru that jungle? Damn this guy is good. Tommy Taylor Junior attempts to think this through, but words like “cacophony” are a bit above his pay grade. He finally says something about working with kids and how it’s important to educate them for positive and truthful education or some other gobbledygook
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31) gets: Celine is very accomplished; for some men it is very hard to deal with women who have a lot more success than you. How do you propose to get a relations started and maintain it in an enviro like this? #Accurate. Steve blathers on about how as long as there’s a connection between them then something can grow from that; and that whatever problem that she or he may have, they can lean on each other to make things work. Sure, whatever.
Wendall the Doctor of Love (24) gets: What are your views on religion, and how much does it matter to your future family? “I don’t go to church as much as I’d like to,” he sweats, “but I realize there are lot so other relations and cultures out there, lots of other viewpoints; my family just basically would focus on what makes us better humans, what makes us have better relationship with each other and spread that?” Okay fine, that’s a really good answer.
Will Celine make good good choices, or ruin everything? Let’s see.
ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Despite uttering something actually smart, Wendall the Doctor of Love (24) miserably fails his final exam, leaving:
Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35)
Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31)
Now it’s time to open the pod! Aaaand pretty sure Dr. Celine is Tia Tequila’s MUCH healthier twin sister.
Now it’s time for one brutal elimination and one ill-advised proposal!
ELIMINATION ROUND 5
Jesse Palmer forces the men to sheepishly crawl off stage and ask Dr. Celine’s father for permission to marry his daughter, which goes just as well as you’d expect it to go.
“You certainly have permission to ask,” he says, and LOL.
Celine goes for Tommy Taylor Jr the Tree Guru (35) first, who strongly reminds her he’s saving himself when it comes to intercourse, IN CASE YOU FORGOT. He say he’d “like to be that security for you, and feed you some bacon,” and then proposes.
I fucking hate him.
Next up is Steve the Food Prep Pioneer (31) who says “Wow, I just wanna say, you look absolutely amazing tonight!” And then rambles on about their connection and wanting to grow it. He says he has a ton of weddings and no date (OF COURSE) and that traveling with him will be the best way to get to know each other. He then proposes, and is so nervous his face is shaking so hard it appears to be trying to run off his skull.
“I can tell you both have very warm hearts which is very important to me, and you’re both very caring,” Dr. Celine says robotically.
And our Lady Doctor picks…Tommy the NON-INTERCOURSE HAVER! Good luck to her 30yo self and his 35yo self attempting that for the first time.
Well this is gonna totally end well! (ABC)
Until next week! God help us all.
