Look, when it comes to Bachelor in Paradise it’s easy to make fun of it all—the endless and needless drama, the really stupid contestants, the hilariously damaged outlook on love, the stupidly pointless setups, the overly contrived dates, the absurdly staged surprises, the—

Wait, where was I again?

Oh yeah, Bachelor in Paradise is gloriously easy to make fun of. That’s all. There’s no other point, because this show is 100% pointless. Although Yuki IS back this episode, so that’s something.

Let’s dive in!

The Sand Snakes
We open with the ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING scene of Chris being exactly who he portrays himself to be—a full-on abusive, manipulative asshole who won’t let something like ‘kindness’ or ‘common sense’ stop him in the way of completely destroying his intended victim(s). He’s running around with the Goose Gang screaming about how “it’s time to cut the serpent’s head off now” which I can only assume means he’s ready to murder Colton.

Sadly we didn’t get any actual bloodshed (there were no shivs that I could see, and David wasn’t anywhere near a bunkbed) but we did get to watch Chris rile up his merry band of fucking morons in order to stir up the drama and demand to know Colton’s intentions with Tia.

Which is rich, because Colton is probably the last person who knows what his intentions with Tia are. This means we’re then treated to what was only a few minutes but felt like a few hours of roundabout insanity, in which Chris—who, as we’ve already seen from previews, is going to go mack on as many women as he can—angrily tells Colton that he cannot attempt to date or flirt with multiple women at the same time.

But of course, despite the deep drama and terror something called “The Goose Gang” may inspire, we end the scene on a flat, boring note in which pretty much nothing happens outside of Chris riling himself up and looking like an asshole.

Otherwise, a normal moment in time for Chris.

Speaking of normal moments for Chris, we’re then treated to a particularly painful scene of him tying a scarf around his head, announcing “The goose is one of a kind, he is I, and I am him. The goose is here, baby,” and promptly unleashing a few white belt-level karate moves as the sun sets. Behind him, Wells chokes in a combination of hilarity and horror.

Side note: I assume “the goose” is the alter ego Chris transforms into when he murders someone. 

Back at The Lady Camp, Astrid pumps Tia for info on her pseudo-date with Colton, and asks her if her “vagina was dancing” during their smooching. After Bibiana’s lamenting about her uterus not getting action, any comment like this still makes me vaguely wonder if anyone in the Bachelorverse actually knows what sex is.

Rumble in the Jungle
Outside of the mess that is The Goose Gang/The Colton and Tia Show, there are a sea of other messes happening in Paradise as the Rose Ceremony looms in the distance. 

Things are amped up to Unbearable when Kenny is given the episode’s date card, which reads Kenny goes ring shopping, because this franchise wants to beat you to death with the knowledge that Kenny is a professional wrestler (and wants to also destroy Kenny’s purity, because we can’t have something like that running around in Paradise!). 

Everyone immediately freaks the fuck out, for no good reason. Here’s a quick recap:

Kevin, who apparently is now deeply in love with Krystal, positively panics because Kenny talks to her and he can see his one shot at true love disappearing rapidly. “If I want Krystal’s rose, I’m going to have some competition,” he laments. 

Yeah, from fucking Satan.

Nick attempts to hit on Chelsea again while remaining painfully, obliviously stupid, and is once again brutally rejected

Jordan and David—shockingly—decide they both like the same woman, and go head-to-head over it. Still not sure why they’re bothering to drag poor Annaliese into their bullshit rather than just take each other on a date, but whatever. 

Here’s pretty much how David’s conversation with Annaliese goes:

I know you've been hanging out with Jordan, and I don't mean to dwell on him, but I'm literally going to spend our entire time alone talking incessantly about Jordan because I am legitimately fucking obsessed with him.

Cool.

He then rants to the camera, haughtily saying “I think Jordan's had fun talking to the girl, but he's not here to find love,” and by negating Annaliese to the girl really says all he needs to say. 

Jordan then swoops in for the Annaliese steal, whisking her off for a stroll and smooches along the seashore. Annaliese says there’s more to Jordan than just being a model, but remember, Annaliese is the one with deep bumper car trauma, so.

Kenny does ultimately choose Krystal (now sans-vocal fry) for the date, and they go off to watch and engage in some wrestling. It’s all dreadfully boring.

Devastated by his loss, Kevin mopes around the beach, badgering every single woman he comes across with his deep sadness over Kenny taking his lady.

God, these contestants are boring as FUCK. Guys, you’re rolling around on a beach with endless free booze and a sea of hot people. I would’ve already banged 10 dudes and 2 chicks and drowned while chugging my 15th margarita of the afternoon. Let’s see some ACTION FFS!

The Tia and Colton Show
Things are coming to a head (but not that kind of head, because Colton) as Tia confidently says she’s invested in him.  She blathers on and on for awhile, despite Colton having just told the Goose Gang he was “keeping her on the table but also going to check out other women,” and it would be funny if it wasn’t so stupid.

Following through on his words, he appears to remember who Angela is again, and goes off to play fetch with her or what the fuck ever. Tia fumes but says to the cameras, frustrated, “I should say that I deserve better, but…”

Lmao girl, me too, me too. 

The Rose Ceremony
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, we’re closing in our very first Rose Ceremony of the season! We’re greeted by the overly dolled-up women who attempt to traverse the deep sands in 6” stilettos (10/10 would watch a season devoted solely to blooper reels of this) as they descend on the men, gleefully slavering over sending two poor bros home

But first there's the Pre-Ceremony Cocktail Party! If you’re confused as to what the cocktail party is, it’s just literally what every other scene is, but in formal dresses. Everyone is hurriedly trying to pair up and not be the fucking losers sent home the first night. Nice try, suckas, but everyone on Paradise is automatically a fucking loser.

Quick recap:

• Chelsea now brutally turns down both Nick and David #TeamChelsea

• Annaliese announces she’ll keep my bb Jordan around for at least one more day of modeling and mayhem

• Grocery Joe somehow turns “here” into a three-syllable word

• Several men fight over Kendall (who, gentle reminder, collects dead animals and finds cemeteries romantic and would be a bat, if she could)

• Chris declares he is “A Really Good Guy”

Oh and Tia and Colton have an endlessly hilarious, stupid conversation about what the fuck they are. Colton declares he doesn’t care if Tia goes off and suck face with other men, Tia tells him that no one else wants to give him a damn rose, and it’s all savage as hell. 

Now this is what we watch Paradise for, people. 

Tia finally stalks off and runs right to Chris, of course, who is overly fucking excited to see that he has some modicum of control over her, because that is an abusive asshole’s M.O.

“It’s so surreal to find a man that knows what he wants,” Tia trills, while Chris grows stronger from the positive energy he’s destroying. “I always make bad decisions, until now!” she adds, before sucking face with him.

It’s horrifying on every single goddamn level.

Meanwhile, Colton scrambles to stay in Paradise, sprinting over to Angela to attempt to find an ally. She seems wary, however, and Colton realizes that the Goose Gang got to her. “I’m going to get my legs chopped off from underneath me,” he wrongly laments. 

The Rose Winners
Our bevy of stupid women give a bevy of stupid roses to a bevy of stupid suitors, ensuring the safety of:

• Kenny (via Krystal)

• Kevin (via Astrid)

• Chris (via Tia)

• Joe (via Kendall)

• Jordan (via Annaliese)

• Eric (via Nysha)

• David (via Chelsea)

• John (via Angela)

Yes, that’s right, Angela gave John her rose, not Colton! Is this the end of our intrepid virgin? Will the Tia and Colton Show finally close its curtains for good? Will we all get a fucking break?

NO, OF COURSE NOT! Although the way this all goes down, I ain’t mad.

Who swoops in to gleefully prolong the drama but Bibiana, who’s smirk nearly jumps off her face in its excitement. 

“Hopefully you’ll be able to figure out what you want,” she manically laughs, slapping the rose on Colton. 

Tia gasps dramatically, Chris shakes his goose fists at the sky, Colton blinks dumbly, and everyone else want so fucking kill themselves. 

BUT WAIT, this means…

The Rose Losers
NOOOOOOOO Wills is sent home! And also Nick but that’s a YAAAAY!!! 

Wills was suspiciously absent all episode, probably because he’s way way way way WAY too fucking good for this franchise, and realized he needed to GTFO before (more) irreparable damage was done. 

The Twist
You KNEW we couldn’t just end on a quiet goodbye to Wills, did you? Of fucking course not, because it’s time for BECCA to SWOOP IN to give DATING ADVICE to this group of morons, which is FUCKING RICH considering she just CHOSE GARRETT OVER BLAKE.

Jesus fucking Christ, I cannot take any more of anything even remotely associated to the Arie/Becca Bullshit Arc, and yet I know it’s just the beginning. 

Tia does too, as she gleefully embraces Becca, proving once and for all the entire Colton bullshit was entirely planned months ago.

Away on a way-too-small bunk bed, Colton sobs. And sobs. And sobs. And sobs.

Until next week!