I’m fresh off The Bachelorette’s Men Tell All episode and I am too. fucking. drunk. for the horror that is The Proposal, and yet here I am, blogging about this putrid pus-filled abscess of a show.

Clearly I did something very, very bad in a prior life and am still being punished for it. Especially because these contestants are like fucking cockroaches and infiltrate my Twitter the moment I mention them. Anyway, let’s get this fucking nightmare over with.

Tonight we meet our Mystery Suitor, Winston, a 31yo chunky milk blob from England that likes to run on the beach and owns, inexplicably, both a fashion and construction company. The only vaguely redeeming thing about him is that he fucking loves his dog, and that’s about it.

Now let’s meet our swathe of sad, desperate singles:

THE CONTESTANTS

• Lauren: a 23yo beauty blogger who’s dreamt about visiting Costa Rica and sashays around like a moron

• Claire: a 24yo account manager who once entered a karaoke contest on a whim and won $100! 100 whole dollars!

• Kathleen: a 24yo marketing manager from NY who loves to paddle board and thinks she’s ready to risk it and see what happens here

• Shelby: a 24yo makeup artist who’s also an entrepreneur of apparently nothing and spends her free time playing video games

• Landy: a 28yo “luxury” real estate agent from Texas and a former cheerleader that can still do the splits. “I’m the perfect woman, you would want to have me with you for the rest of your life, ask any of my exes,” she threatens.

• Caitlin: a 28 yo paralegal who has a passion for baking

• Bridget: a 39yo volleyball coach that’s obsessed with caves

• Dominique: a 23yo server from Austin that loves being the life of the party yet collects watches for fun

• Casey: a 28yo dancer with a lifelong obsession with Disney princesses that loves decorating cakes and has a 19yo cat named Mittens (for the love of FUCKING GOD you cannot make this shit up)

• Abby: a 26yo Vegas showgirl who was a waitress serving chicken wings in Buffalo before “making it”

“Jesse, this round has been so hard. I don’t even know what the other rounds are going to be like.” Winston says, sounding like he’s gargling a mouthful of marbles. 

Honestly, this guy sounds like he’s in his late 60s, what the fuck? Shoutout to @AtlRealtyTV for pointing out that he sounds exactly like Rumpole of Bailey, and my god, do I hope he looks like him too.

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Caitlin the Passionate Baker (28), Dominique the Watch Collector (23), and Casey the Saddest Woman in the World (28) are brutally kicked off this planet, leaving: 

• Shelby the Fauxpreneur (24)

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23)

• Bridget the Cave Lover (39)

• Claire the Karaoke Queen (24)

• Kathleen the Maybe Ready for This (24)

• Landy the “Luxury” Realtor (28)

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26)

Awesome. 

Jesse Palmer then army crawls out from under the stage to announce the Swimsuit Round, screaming “Now they bare their souls and bodies!”

BIKINI ROUND

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23) sprints out legit vibrating with excitement, saying she can’t find a man brave enough to let his guard down and then screams “I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH YOU, WINSTON PICK ME!!!!”
  

• Claire the Karaoke Queen (24) has her entire entrance garbled (seriously, what the fuck with is the sound quality on this show?) and all I can make out, maybe, is that she loves tampons?
  

• Kathleen the Maybe Ready for This (24) tentatively puts a toe out to [insert comment about being a risk taker] because she [insert comment about that’s why she’s here] and announces that she dated a dude for a year who never told her he loved her
  

• Shelby the Fauxpreneur (24) toddles out to say she’s a “former nerdy girl” who needs a guy that likes an ambitious girl etc. etc. etc.
  

• Landy the “Luxury” Realtor (28) dances out and then promptly stutters her way through some kind of admission of having a child
  

• Bridget the Cave Lover (39) clomps out to announce that she’s 6’2” and has FIVE FUCKING KIDS with two baby daddies
  

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26) highkicks out and makes a Tinder joke because she’s 20-fucking-6

“I’m confident my future fiancé is up there,” Marble Mouth Winston laments sadly, gazing over this sisterhood cesspool. 

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Bridget the Cave Lover (39), Claire the Karaoke Queen (24), and Landy the “Luxury” Realtor (28) are all thrown out of the house, leaving: 

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23)

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26)

• Shelby the Fauxpreneur (24)

• Kathleen the Maybe Ready for This (24)

Quick Reminder: Marble Mouth Winston is 31 YEARS OLD and has eliminated his horde down to a bunch women WHO ARE 23, 24, 24, and 26 FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Now it’s time for the Dealbreaker Question Round, at once the best and worst example of life on this planet, as evidenced by Jesse Palmer excitedly sprinting on stage to scream that the questions can “be about religion, politics, past relationships, even SEXXXXX!”

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23) gets: I understand you lost a friend to gun violence; I had a similar tragedy himself. What are your stance on gun rules? Surprisingly, it’s a poignant question; and even more surprisingly, Lauren has an amazing answer: "We need to do a better job of controlling gun policy. So many people are dying on a day-to-day basis and nothing’s going to be fixed; too many innocent lives are being lost."
  

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26) gets: So I’m very very close to my mum and sisters who I love very much. How is your relationship with your family? She warbles on about loving them so much and how it’s hard to be away from them and so on and so forth blah blah blah
  

• Kathleen the Maybe Ready for This (24) gets: I know you live on the East Coast there in New York, so how would you go about a long-distance engagement? She prattles on about taking it day by day, and how she loves traveling and adventures, and would totally go to the West Coast or “wherever.”
  

• Shelby the Fauxpreneur (24) gets: I Love your name Shelby, by the way. So I’m very interested to find out what out what qualities you look for in man and therefore a relationship? She says the biggest thing she looks for/finds the most attractive is ambition, because she’s super ambitious running her own nameless, entity-less, product-less business, and she wants to travel too, and so she needs a Jay Z to her Beyonce, fucking kill me

REMINDER: Jay Z spent the better part of two decades screwing everything that wasn’t his wife, stop making them #RelationshipGoals.

With those mind-melting questions behind us, Marble Mouth Winston makes his next selections: 

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Kathleen the Maybe Ready for This (24) is definitely not ready for this and is sent packing, leaving: 

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23)

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26)

• Shelby the Fauxpreneur (24)

Now it’s time for Marble Mouth Winston’s poor fucking mother to be frog-marched on stage and forced to answer questions. “I’d be happy to have any of you as my Daughter-In-Law!” she lies boldly, panicked sweat running down her brow.

Oh, and they drop that Marble Mouth is a millionaire, and you can see all the ladies start freaking out with excitement. Yay!

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26) gets: What traits are you looking for in a soulmate? To which she wheezes out the usual (someone selfless, ambitious, intelligent, with a sense of humor, someone you’re supposed to be with forever someone that lifts you up, etc. etc. etc.)
  

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23) gets: Do you have any aspirations or goals that you want to achieve with your own life in the future? So one LOL and two LOL NO. She starts bleating out “We both need to have our own vision; my goal is to help him see his own vision and be a better person by my side; I want just the best for the best of us” aka “I’m just here for the money”
  

• Shelby the Fauxpreneur (24) gets: Winston is very free spirited with a huge network of guy friends, and they take yearly holidays together and such. How do you feel about letting him be independent o do those things? Yeah, Saturdays are for the boys! Shelby nods like a puppet on strings and says she totally gets it, and she wants to do VEGAS, BABY with her ladies, too, whatever.

Marble Mouth Winston’s mom claps delightedly at all of this, showing the world she’s finally fucking lost it. Will ol’ Marble Mouth redeem them both?

Nah.

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Shockingly but not shockingly, Shelby the Fauxpreneur is sent home to find a real job. Did this 31yo dude just pick the screaming, stuttering, aspiration-less 23yo gold digger over an ambitious entrepreneur?

OF COURSE HE DID! This is The Proposal and we are all in hell. This leaves:

• Abby the Elizabeth Berkley Wannabe (26)

• Lauren the Beauty Blogger (23)

in a duel to the death. 

But first! We reveal good sir Winston, who—SURPRISE!—is a hilarious pile of pathetic shit salad. Turns out Marble Mouth was on FUCKING BIG BROTHER UK. Just look at this fucking guy:

According to his IMDB page (because of fucking course he has an IMDB page) he’s also been in Roads (some bullshit action movie) and Girlfri3nds which is SHOCKINGLY a dating show in the UK, showing that Marble Mouth is completely fucking unable to land a woman in any fucking way possible. 

Also, just for pure glee, let’s look at the trivia he rattled off about himself for Big Brother (and mind you, this bitch was 27 when he did this):

• He is a real lad’s lad and spends all his money 'on the lads and chasing the ladies'.

• Winston currently lives in Essex with his mate in his 'bachelor pad' but admits to being quite messy.

• Winston dreams of one day being a famous racing car driver.

• If he had to choose between love and money, he'd choose love as it lasts forever. "I'm a secret romantic at heart but sometimes I pretend not to be".

• Winston classes himself as 'the local superman' as he's very 'thoughtful and kind' who is always there to help others.

• He likes that he's very loyal, strong-minded and determined. He says, "I always speak my mind".

• His life motto is: You don’t score till you score.

• Although he attends his local gym daily, the only team sport he now plays is 'who can pull the most girls in one night'.

• He says his friends would describe him as 'a bit dippy, unintentionally hilarious, loyal and a party man who's always up for fun'.

• He's currently single but is always on the lookout for a girlfriend.

• Winston's quite picky when it comes to the ladies. "I tend to go for brunettes with nice breasts and a fit body, but they also have to be quick-witted and can laugh at themselves".

• He's looking for love in the House and believes 'it could happen' if someone catches his eye.

• He would hate any tasks involving horses as he's 'petrified' of them and he also detests insects.

• He truly believes he'd make the best housemate ever. "I'm charming, fun, charismatic, the list goes on...".

FUCK THIS GUY AND FUCK THIS SHOW AND FUCK THIS PLANET.

At least now it’s time for one brutal elimination and one ill-advised proposal!

ELIMINATION ROUND 5
Abby’s up first and blathers on about how each step of the night gets more real, and then gives a breathtaking blow-by-blow of the night:

• I came out

• I heard your voice

• I did a round

• You said more things

• I wore a bikini

• We had more rounds

• Now I see your face

• I can’t explain the feeling, it was like a punch in the stomach, it could be love

IT’S NOT FUCKING LOVE, ABBY, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You just saw his stupid face for the first time, and you’ve never met him before, and you talked to him for like 2 seconds all night long while competing for his bullshit proposal with a gaggle of other sad, sad girls. 

Then it’s Lauren’s turn, and she just rambles on about ladies in her life without making an iota of sense, because this is Lauren.

All right, Marble Mouth Winston, who will you choose? 

• Winston: Abby, marry me!

• Also Winston: LOL JK

• Also Also Winston: Okay JK AGAIN LOL but kiss me first in front of Lauren who's super pissed + thought she was gonna get a surprise proposal + also in front of my mom who the camera just cut to + zoomed dangerously in on

PURE LOVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

Until next week! God help us all.