Alright, baby, it’s time! No, not for the inevitable dumpster fire of a season finale—it’s time for the Men Tell All! These are always some of my favorite episodes because the producers pull out all the tricks to satisfy the audience’s bloodlust: bad edits, secret camera confessionals, graphic videos of fights, wonderful prompts to rip their former roommates apart, and so on and so on for a full two hours of insanity. 

I also particularly love the Men’s version of this because it’s just such a poignant look at where we currently stand with men’s take on women these days. I’ve made this point a hundred times, and I’ll make it a hundred billion more:

Men: "Women can't be in positions of power because they're too touchy and gossipy and emotional."

Also Men: *show up on #TheBachelorette Tell All to scream at each other, hurl insults, virgin shame, squeal over highwater pants, fight over golden underwear, and cry over a woman*

God, I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning. Now let’s get to it!

In Case You’ve Forgotten: Arie Dumped Becca on Camera
Just a friendly reminder in case you’ve had your eyes and ears destroyed since March 5, 2017, but Arie dumped Becca on camera without a shred of emotion or…well, anything, because he’s a sentient ballsac that’s actually perfectly suited for the empty husk of a human that is Lauren. 

Chris Harrison opens the evening by announcing next week’s finale. “Will it end in true love,” he quakes, “or another heartbreak?” I can see the fever dream of heartbreak dancing in his eyes like the flames of hell, and honestly, I am so here for it.

I’ve Got Two Tickets to Paradise
Of course we can’t get right into the epic catfight awaiting us, because the Tell All is ABC’s official spotlight on Bachelor in Paradise! If you don’t know what Bachelor in Paradise is, let me put this in perspective for you:

• Anything on HBO circa 1990-2013

• The Office (either version)

• The X-Files

• Limbo

• Lust

• The Bachelor

• Gluttony

• Greed

• Heresy

• Violence

• Bachelor in Paradise

• Fraud

• Treachery

• The fucking Proposal

Whatever, I’ve had like a bottle of wine already and it’s barely 8pm.

So we get our first true glimpse into Paradise, and oh, is it fucking lost. We see Leo losing his fucking mind while fighting with Grocery Joe (A FUCKING TRAVESTY IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE), Jordan trilling about having a pair of testicles and the prettiest girl in paradise on his side, a particularly mind-boggling montage of the cast accusing someone of being a Russian spy and also a sorceress, Tia kissing Chris the Fucking Crazy, Raven gushing about having fresh orgasms, Arie and Lauren posing lifelessly by the ocean, and way too many fucking babies. No, for once I don’t mean the men, I mean there are literally a bunch of babies crawling around Paradise, because the producers wanted to punish us all by bringing back a bunch of so-called Bachelorverse favorites.

Goody.

The Boys Are Back in Town
Finally, blessedly, it’s time to bring out the boys! The camera pans over a sea of mostly forgettable faces, showing us:

• Jake, he of the melting face that pretended he hadn’t met Becca before and got booted even before the very first Rose Ceremony

• Christian, whoever the fuck that is

• Kamil, that dude who described himself as a “social media participant”

• Christon the former Harlem Globetrotter

• John of Venmo

• The fucking Colognisseur

• GROCERY JOE!!!!!!!!!!

• Nick, that dude who wore tracksuits

• Connor with his too-close-together eyes

• Jason the Greaser who, okay, fine, fine, has made progress with me

• Jordan of the Golden Underpants

• Colton “I Love Tia” Underwood

• Wills the Amazing

• Leo with the Good Hair

• Chicken David

• Chris the Fucking Crazy

The Trials and Tribulations of Captain Underpants
We kickoff the men’s extravaganza just as god intended: with nearly an hour of Jordan time.

Look, let me just put it out there: I fucking love Jordan. I love Jordan with the fire of a thousand suns. I love Jordan so much he makes me squeal just like I do when I see a particularly wonky looking puppy. I love Jordan as much as Jordan loves Jordan, and that should tell you all you need to know.

He’s a poet. Nay, a full Shakespeare. His one-liners should be etched in stone and displayed for all the world to see. He’s so obtusely delighted by life and his own amazingness that it makes me feel giddy and childlike in a way I haven’t before. He’s also super hot, which really makes me feel weird, but whatever. 

He’s also the one everyone loves to hate, and I get it. He gets it.

Colton in particular seems overly upset about Jordan’s existence on this earth, honing in once again on Golden Underpants Gate ’18. LOOK, COLTON. JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T GET A PAIR OF GOLDEN UNDERPANTS FROM BECCA, AND THUS COULDN’T PARADE AROUND IN THEM FOR HER BENEFIT, DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN TAKE YOUR FRUSTRATIONS OUT ON THE GUY WHO DID, OKAY?

But it’s about “the seriousness of the situation,” Colton whines.

David nods his head down the row so vigorously that it almost falls off. “Yeah, you just didn’t take it seriously,” says the man who showed up in a chicken suit.

Kamil, that guy who could only muster “social media participant” to describe himself, and who was sent home on the first night after trying to tell Becca that women needed to make more of an effort for him vs. him trying for them, attempts to butt in at one point.

"Kamil, what's up. Fuck you,” Jordan tells him poetically. 

Christian, whoever the fuck that is, also flails onstage to try to become relevant for a blip on the pop culture radar, but I didn’t even listen to what he said because, like Jordan, I was way too fucking distracted by his horrific outfit.

“Highwaters, really?” Jordan gasps, personally affronted. Seriously, Christian, those pants are a full foot too short, what the fuck.

“Fuck you,” Jordan continues, pointing to each of the men on stage. “Fuck you, fuck you, Grocery Store Joe what’s up!, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.”

“I got Grocery Store Joe to laugh!” Jordan then says, delighted, and it’s just the purest thing ever. I’d watch endless hours of Jordan and Grocery Joe, tbh. They’d make an amazing detective duo, or a superhero team, or anything. Literally anything. 

Justice for Grocery Joe
SPEAKING OF WHICH, WELCOME BACK, GROCERY JOE! The man that captured the collective heart of Bachelor Nation is finally back for our viewing pleasure. 

(If he turns into a Dean on Paradise, I’m giving up on men forever, just letting you all know that now.)

Chris Harrison plays a montage of GJ’s time on the show, which goes like this:

• Gets out of the car and looks hot

• Meets Becca and says “I’m Joe, and I forgot everything I was going to say”

• Gets kicked off the show

• Looks sad

Fin.

He’s still a man of few words, I’m pleased to see, but does manage to hold his own with Papa Harrison. They banter slightly, GJ is adorable, and the world is better for a brief, bright moment. 

Wills for a Better World
Oh, Wills. We get some 1:1 time with our favorite fashionista, and once again lament the fact that Becca is probably going to pick a dude that thinks the Parkland Shooting was a hoax and that also hates women over someone as wonderful as Wills. 

Also, Wills is the only man on this planet that can rock a romphim, and it’s such a sight to behold. We’re treated to a montage of his time on the show as well, which at least was blessedly longer than poor Grocery Joe’s. I forgot that Wills had an Expectro Patronum tattoo, which makes me love him all the more, and I kind of forgot that he got out of the car to cry after Becca dumped him, but luckily the camera crew jumped right out with him to broadcast his pain for all the world to see. 

Wills for The Bachelor, amirite??

Colton and the Waterworks
God, did Colton annoy the fuck out of me tonight. His rabid attack on Jordan was ridiculous (get OVER the underpants FFS), his claims of thinking Tia wasn’t going to be The Bachelorette are laughable at best, and his waterworks with the virginity just felt too fucking forced.

LOOK: if Colton really is a virgin, then I support it 100%. No one should have sex until they’re ready, or until they find the person they want to have sex with. 

But I think Colton is full of shit. He’s too calculated, too rehearsed, too everything. He’s like Paul the Wine Guy from the Friends pilot: the one who claims his giggle stick hasn’t been played with in two years since The Divorce, and then uses this line to slay all of the women in the restaurant. 

“It’s just so hurtful,” Colton sobs at one point, “being called a pussy because I haven’t seen one.”

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

Okay first things first, if he hasn’t even seen one then this is a deeper issue than anticipated. And second, GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS, COLTON. You are twenty-six fucking years old, either embrace that goddamn virginity or get off NATIONAL FUCKING TV, what are you expecting?

God I hate Colton.

Jason Almost Gets the Summer Lovin’
UGH JASON.

Guys, I don’t even know what to do here. Jason does absolutely nothing for me. He’s like…so whatever. Bland, boring, greasy. Even with all the lauding re: his kissing skills, he still excites me less than a boxed set of Gilmore Girls. 

But he’s still awesome. He’s so genuine and so caring and seems so honestly invested in Becca finding happiness, even if it isn’t with him. He’s kind and compassionate the entire show, remaining steadfast in his positive take on the whole situation (even with Chris Harrison repeatedly asking him about his kissing skills, and Becca parading around on stage later on).

I need to be able to look at a man like Jason and say, “wow, here’s a man that loves me; that wants what’s best for me; that truly cares and will follow through on what he says in order to make me happy.”

Instead I look at him and roll my eyes, and remain attracted to men in their 40s that text “WYD” at 2am and men that cancel Tinder dates an hour before because they’re still hungover from Brewskis with the Broskis the night before. 

So to anyone reading my rantings on this blog, just remember that I have aggressively horrific taste in men, and I cannot get out of my own fucking way when it comes to relationships. Just like Becca! #MeForBachelorette2019

Becca Comes Back
Speaking of our pain-in-the-ass heroine, Becca is welcomed back on stage to behold the bevy of bros she banished! Hooray! 

“You guys all look so good!” she exclaims. “Dang!”

I fucking hate Becca.

We’re treated to an onslaught of Stockholm Syndrome at its finest, as all of the men profess their undying love and admiration for our darling Bachelorette. Becca smiles, giggles, and waves away the praise with a flick of her wrist, choosing instead to give her love to a man that thinks the LGBTQ+ community should be stripped of all rights, and that women are fucking beneath him. Dang! 

She does have a cute moment with Jordan and a cuter moment with Wills (“I love you,” he says softly, to which she giggles and ignores him) and then ABC shows once again that abusive monsters > rights of women and wraps up Becca’s time with THE CHRIS SHOW. 

That’s right, Chris gives a half-fucking-assed at best apology. “Yeah, yeah, I lost my fucking mind,” he basically shrugs, and then ABC allows him to parade out the choir he brought in the premiere. 

Oh, yay! A choir! Because nothing screams FUCKING ABUSIVE ASSHOLE like a man orchestrating a massive faux apology with something as absurd as a choir to show just how deeply abusive he really is. #ChrisForTheGutter2019

Bloopers Will Redeem Us All
Lmao no they won’t, we’re all doomed to hell for perpetuating this series, but that’s okay because BLOOPERS ARE WONDERFUL. We’re treated to a reel of absurdity, including:

• Jason falling on his ass down icy stairs

• Leo getting smashed in the face with a giant rubber ball

• Blake biting it in Thailand

• Wills dropping Becca on top of what appears to be a glacier (?)

• Leo and Clay sharing a romantic bubblebath

• David high on painkillers and playing with blown-up gloves in the hospital after breaking his own face

• Wills accidentally hitting Becca in the face while standing up

• Garrett gushing about how much he loves Becca’s balls

And the ultimate scene during the Beccelection 2018 episode, where Chris Harrison talks to a 12yo before the debate and tells her “You’re not going to learn anything today. The world is not flat.” Lmaoooo.

Because remember, Lincoln the Sexual Abuser thought the earth was flat. WHAT A SEASON, PEOPLE.

The Rose Ceremony
There is no rose ceremony, because it’s the Men’s Tell All, and because we collectively haven’t been good enough to earn even a crumb of satisfaction this episode.

The Rose Winners
There are no winners in the Bachelorverse.

The Rose Losers
All of us, forever and ever and ever.

Until next week!