It’s raining men, but instead of singing hallelujah we’re screaming god help us all because we’re once again watching an episode of The Proposal. 

On tonight’s epic shitfest of an episode, we meet Mystery Lady Latoya—a 33yo successful attorney from Dallas that lost a past love to a car accident—and a harem of stupidly pointless men that ruin the emotional sentiment entirely as they vie to get down on one knee and pledge themselves to momentary marriage promises for the sake of fleeting fame. 

Ah, the American dream! Let’s meet tonight’s fucking losers:

THE CONTESTANTS

• Tyler: a 25yo solar energy specialist from Boston that hates face tattoos and loves being sarcastic

• Anthony: a 24yo fashion industry insider from the DR that gives a mean lap dance and loves doing calisthenics and wearing loafers

• Kenneth: a 35yo real estate agent from Texas that's "handy with tools"

• Jacky: a 24yo dancer and choreography from Atlanta that loves getting lit

• Michael: a 28yo package delivery manager from Chicago who lists out all the ways he hasn't had luck with dating

• Brennan: a 33yo LA fashion designer from New Orleans that loves seafood and "getting lost in thought while looking at art"

• Shaun: a 26yo security officer from New Jersey that loves the beach, books, poetry, and volleyball

• Spencer: a 28yo from southern Florida that works "in architecture" and says his #1 priority is meeting a woman with manners despite then bragging that he can flip a beer cap further than anyone he’s ever met (Red Flag Alert: 1)

• Shawn Don: a 28yo entrepreneur from SoCal who's a rapper in his spare time

• Garland: a 26yo healthcare worker from St Louis who says his true passion is modeling

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Brennan the Existential Art Experiencer (33), Shaun the Volleyball Fan (26), and Spencer the Definitely Abusive Asshole (28) are blessedly sent packing, leaving:

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25)

• Michael the Risk Taker (28)

• Kenneth the Handyman (35)

• Jacky the Getting Lit Enthusiast (24)

• Anthony the Loafer Lover (24)

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26)

• Shawn Don the Rapper (28)

to duke it out over a woman significantly older and more successful than any of them could ever hope to be. Jesse Palmer rushes onstage to make the pain worse by announcing the Swimsuit Round, squealing “Now they’re about to bare their souls and bodies!” 

BIKINI ROUND

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25) dances out saying his parents just celebrated their 24th anniversary and he wants their kind of relationship, then announces he used to be obese before getting in shape
  

• Anthony the Loafer Lover (24) prowls out to a voiceover saying “It’s the stylish Dominican!” and announces that his ideal woman isn’t afraid of a suave Caribbean man...however he does redeem himself by saying that he's a DACA dreamer that was brought to NYC when he was 4, and has had a front-row seat to true selfishness and sacrifice from his parents
  

• Kenneth the Handyman (35) totters out to say he's “left his dating life up to the internet” but wants a woman to put her smartphone down and look at the "smart man" in front of her (Red Flag Alert: 2)
  

• Jacky the Getting Lit Enthusiast (24) sashays out and says he’s the life of every party, but is still looking for his plus one. This 25yo then goes on to say "a lot of people don’t try anymore with relationships, but I’m old school; you won’t find anyone who tries as hard as me" which everyone on this planet finds staggeringly hard to believe
  

• Michael the Risk Taker (28) glides out to a voiceover screaming, “did someone order a package??” and laments his failed 7yr relationship to his high school sweetheart
  

• Shawn Don the Rapper (28) flomps out to the announcement that his favorite fashion accessory is "a backward baseball cap," admits he's obsessed with Martha Stewart, and then starts rapping, because we're in hell and this is what happens in hell
  

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26) teeters out to announce he's "looking for an emotionally healthy woman who can ditch her baggage unless it matches his" and then has the audacity to say he’s a proud and great father (Red Flag Alert: 3)

“Thank you for your emotional and physical vulnerability," Latoya says unenthusiastically, looking over the sea of single male carcasses. 

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Anthony the Loafer Lover, Shawn Don the Rapper, and Jacky the Getting Lit Enthusiast are all bodily thrown out of the party, leaving:

• Kenneth the Handyman (35

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26)

• Michael the Risk Taker (28)

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25)

Now it’s time for the Dealbreaker Question Round, which is Jesse Palmer's most favorite thing in the entire world, as evidenced by his breathless announcement that the questions can be about “religion, politics, past relationships, even SEXXXXX!”

• Michael the Risk Taker (28) gets: “Amongst many other things I’m a practicing attorney; have you ever dated a woman that’s had a white-collar job” He says no, but explains that his mother works for the city of Chicago and was right under the mayor. He adds that he respects a working woman and would encourage her to go for her dreams, and that he's all about women’s rights and wouldn’t hold her back, making him perhaps the greatest male contestant on reality TV of all time, after Peter Kraus
  

• Kenneth the Handyman (35) gets: “I want to know if you’ve ever dated a woman outside of your race, and would you be willing to marry and have a family with a black woman?” Ugh god, I don't even want to type this out. He says he's never dated a woman outside of his race for a long period of time, but that he's gone on dates that didn’t pan out. He then starts to panic and adds that the doesn’t have a problem with that at all, and that—matter of fact!—he worked with kids in inner-city Dallas and it brought a new perspective and gave him new insights. So this asshat just got up on national TV and told a black woman that dating a black woman was like working with inner-city kids, and I don't even know why I'm remotely flabbergasted by this.
  

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25) gets: “First of all I want to thank you for being so open in sharing your physical transformation and how you were bullied for it; how has that physical transformation affected your life—and that includes your sex life?” It certainly enhanced it, he says, much to the delight of the audience, and adds that "it opened the word of girls for me"
  

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26) gets: “I love children and my goddaughter’s in the audience, but what I want to know is: What is your relationship with your son’s mother like?” And he responds with a hilariously long stretch of dead silence and lip biting. "To be honest," he finally attempts, "we’ve very cordial, we both believe in raising our son right. There are no problems in that area at all, we’re good."(Red Flag Alert: 4)

You can feel Latoya's internal struggle between booting the racist and the asshat. Who will she choose? Let's see:

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Kenneth the Handyman (35) is sent back to school to get educated on how not to be fucking racist, leaving: 

• Michael the Risk Taker (28)

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25)

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26)

Now it’s time for our attorney’s poor mother, who’s been forced to come on national TV to be humiliated in every way possible, to come clambering up on stage. 

“What was your reaction when Latoya told you she was coming on this show?” Jesse Palmer asks.

“I was like WHAT?” she says piteously, as she reluctantly eyes the suitors. 

• Michael the Risk Taker (28) gets: “How would you take care of my daughter and treat her like the queen she is?” To which he smoothly says: "A man once told me I was a man pushing a wall, and he asked for help, and the man said the wall ain’t goin’ nowhere; then two men help push, and the man said why are you pushing if the wall isn't moving, and I said that’s my leader, if the wall moves or if it don’t, have faith in him; so I’ll have faith in your daughter, I’ll help her push the way." Which lead all of us watching to immediately lose significant brain function and gray matter.
  

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25) gets: “Latoya and I are best friends, she means the world to me. I want to know how your relationship is with the people that you love.” My mom is one of my BFFs too, he says, noting that she's in New Hampshire so it's important to talk to his family every day. Then he adds something inane about wanting to be in their family someday, but honestly, he's kinda adorable especially compared to everyone else, so I'll allow it.
  

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26) gets: “We know that you have a son; and you said the relationship between your son’s mother and you was good; but it seems like your face was saying a little something different—would you like to elaborate on that a little more?” Lmaooooo and he gives that face again, knowing full well he's been called out but knowing he can't tell the world how bad his relationship with his ex is. "I want to let you know that we’ve grown apart, but we’re great parents to our son and we’re doing that to the best of our abilities," he whines out. (Red Flag Alert: 5)

Will Latoya make good choices, or ruin everything? Let’s see.

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Michael the Risk Taker (28) has run out of luck, leaving:

• Tyler the Face Tattoo Hater (25)

• Garland the Hopeful Model (26)

Get. it. girl. For Tyler, not Garland, obviously. But first! We reveal Latoya, who’s goddamn gorgeous and has NO PLACE being on this horrible train wreck of a social experiment. 

Now it’s time for one brutal elimination and one ill-advised proposal!

ELIMINATION ROUND 5
Latoya goes for Tyler first. He says he’s blown away by her beauty, apologizes for being very nervous, and says that her being gorgeous is the least interesting thing about her. He loves that she’s friends with her mom, and that that's what he’s looking for. After an actually genuine bit, he gets down on one knee and pops that question, saying he wants to take her to Cape Cod to meet the fam. I...actually kind of like him. 

Next up is Garland. He takes her hand and does more lip biting, which really seems a beacon to his horribleness. He says he’s a guy that believes in patience and learned that from his last relationship (yeah, right). He says he looks into her eyes and sees she’s the woman that has all these great qualities, that he wants to get to know her emotionally, mentally, physically, and that he wants her to meet his son. Then he gets on down and proposes. Sort of. Jesse Palmer has to double check, because that rambling was, unsurprisingly, nonsensical. 

We cut to dramatic scenes from the audience throughout, showing them leaning forward in their seats gasping, cheering for, and seemingly being gobsmacked by these proposals. They better get fucking paid for all that hard acting.

Latoya then gets her “moment” to really think about this. All 0.01 second of it. She wells up and says how hard it is, then does some praying, maybe for her soul IDK. She says Tyler is so great; but Garland has the potential and we could be "that couple" (could you? fucking could you??); but that with Tyler, she loves his honesty and how present he’s been. Says she’s gonna have to go to Cape Cod!

It's insane that the 33yo grown ass woman chose the 25yo Face Tattoo Hater...but at the same time, Tyler seems like a solid guy and might actually be the only good decision this season.

Can't wait for them to ruin it next episode.

Until next week! God help us all.